(((TMW))): Breakups always hurt. I know that you are really down. But you deserve so much better. Now its time to accept that its over and move on. As for BF's mom - well of course she will continue to encourage you to be with him - you are what she wants for her son!
If BF's greatest outing of the week is to the bar without you - I think that speaks volumes. If he makes no effort at all - I think that says a lot too. Who would want to be part of that????
NOPE< TMW - it is time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Take a look in the mirror. You are beautiful. You deserve better. You have already taken steps in the right direction to your new future. Don't step back now.
If it were me, I would give him the birthday gifts then cool it. Go for the cake alone, just as you decided. Don't get sucked in by his mom. Remember - he learned his behaviour somewhere. After that - let him do the contacting. Get out there. Join a group or start a new hobby. Look for new friends (male or female) there, not at the bar. Cultivate the kind of people you would like in your life and figure out where to find them. What have you always wanted to try???
There have been some excellent suggestions made here with respect to making plans and setting goals. Go back and read them today. I hope they give you the encouragement you need to pull you out of this slump. Start those lists.
And start living the first day of the rest of your life. As a DIVA!!!!
wow, he does not act like much of a BF does he? It seems like he just goes with the flow, based on whoever is nearby? When he lived with you, he hung out with you. Now he lives at home, and follows his brothers lead?
I do think you are making a mistake to continue to send him text messages, and say things about why not break up. You continue to try to put the decision on him, rather than just take a stand for yourself. You say/text him these things, and he does not answer or does not remember the conversation. He does not change his behavior, then you are disappointed. It's almost like you are trying to get him to break things off? To tell you, yeah, you're right, we're done.
Why do you want HIM to call things off? Why is it so important that this be HIS decision? He clearly is not the leader, he can barely follow.... yet it looks like you are attempting to goad him into dumping you, based on your saying that things are not working. If you know they are not working, why not just make the decision yourself, for yourself? Why not own it rather than trying to get him to make the call? These statements, and text messages are clearly your attempt to try to get him to react-- but over time it's also very clear that it's not working. It's a cheeseless tunnel.
I also doubt there is much good in your trying to confide in his mom, in hopes that she will intervene on your behalf. I think you are trying to make chicken salad out of chicken sh!t. It won't work.
Tears just keep coming out and I can't stop them. I'm trying so hard.
I was weak and called BF, just to ask if he had gotten my message. He said yeah. I asked if he was talking to me. He said yeah. I asked what he was doing, he was getting scrap with his brother. I told him he doesn't respond, he doesn't say anything.
There were several moments of silence and I told him I'd let him go.
I sent him a text - I keep reaching out & getting nothing. I'm sick of crying and your silence. We need to talk in person, face to face. Tell me when is good & where. i'll pay for the texts (he doesn't have text messaging) i won't send more. it's just killing me you not saying anything. i don't know what's going on with u, what u want to do, how u feel
I'm sick of hurting and crying and being weak.
I wish I didn't care about him and this relationship so much. I wish I didn't love him.
I've tried all I could, I've said all I could, I did all I could. I gave him so much time and I hoped and hoped so much.
Sorry, I'm just down. Very down. I know how disappointed everyone in my life is with me - how disappointed I am in myself.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Aw TMW, I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. Good for you, telling him y'all need to talk in person.
Now you need a plan for what you will actually say during that conversation.
Don't be disappointed in yourself, and don't wish you did not care about him. No sense in either of those. You can't help that you care about him-- but you must realize that he/the relationship is not good for you, not what you need or want, not what you deserve. Don't be mad at him, don't try to change him-- he is what he is, and there is no way you can make him something else. Don't be mad, just realize that it's not right for you. Do what must be done for YOU, without anger, without remorse. Just do it because it must be done.
Sometimes after a divorce, the damndest things make us sadder than they should. I remember being desolate over a post D relationship, and even at the time, part of me know that it was not worth being that upset over. Looking back, it was leftover greiving for the divorce, it had to flow out somewhere.
Be patient with yourself. It's a long road to recovery. Take your time, there's no "fast forward" option. Just be true to yourself. Things will hurt for a while, but not forever. A year from now, there will be SUCH a difference in your life, as long as you stay on track and do the right things.
Thanks 2nd. I just keep wishing he cared, maybe not as much - but just showing he cared a little would help, would be an improvement.
I kept hoping for the best, hoping for some change - for him to open up a little, anything.
I hate doing this - with his birthday tomorrow. I hate being a wreck like this. Feeling so unneeded, unwanted - again.
As for the conversation - not sure what to say. I've said it all, I've done it all and I'm just done. I can't do it anymore. This past week I gave up calling and making plans - and the relationship seems to have died. It kills me because I do love BF and I care a great deal about him and his family. I just can't keep putting myself through this.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
I had a post D BF. For a while it was good. It was so nice to have someone there, to care, to do things with. At some point, I got this funny feeling that I was doing too much of the work in the R. Not nearly as extreme as in your case, but it was not the balance I thought was right. So I backed off, to observe. And guess what? He did not take up the slack. So I was done. Not mad or anything, it was what it was, and if I did not keep things going, well... they did not go.
I was done. It was not reasonable for me to want him to be something other than what he was, to act somewhat other than what can naturally to him. Most men are pretty attentive when they are courting-- he was too. But once they "have you" they stop courting and take things for granted. I figure that's most of what happened-- that and the fact that we'd helped each other weather some of the horrible post divorce lonliness, needing to have someone to be with.
If you don't want to have an official break up, then don't. Just stop calling. Stop thinking of him and referring to him as your BF (since he really isn't).
Mine was a live in, and at first I just moved him to another room before he actually moved out of the house.
This guy came into your life for a reason, a purpose. Probably to get you through a rough time post D. He did his job. Nothing more, nothing less. People come into our lives for reasons, but when that reason is gone, then they usually fade away. You are not losing a great R... that's not what this was. You are losing your hope that this was going to turn into a great R-- but that was not a reasonable hope, it was pretty much what you wanted but there was little to suggest it was realistic.
It's all a process. You will likely have at least 2-3 more "transistional" men before you are ready to really be comfortable on your own. Only then are you actually ready for a real R, that could go the distance.
Quote: I sent him a text - I keep reaching out & getting nothing.
QUIT PURSUING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Either he's completely not worth it, or he'll pursue you - but he won't pursue you while you're doing all this.
Be polite, show up for his birthday, then drop off the face of the earth for 2 weeks. let him do all the contacting. Do not suggest getting together unless he brings it up. And fill up your off time with activities with friends, or activities that will help you make friends, so that you are no so dependent on him for your amusement.
I know you have these feelings - but I ask you to consider how much they may be due to the bonding hormone oxytocin that is released in the brain during sex, versus how much is true admiration and desire for him as a person? He doesn't sound like much of a catch to ANY of us here, and frankly, you DESERVE a man who pursues you, desires you, treats you like gold.
Either he's completely not worth it, or he'll pursue you - but he won't pursue you while you're doing all this.
I agree. Plus, it really sucks that TMW blatently pursues and he does not even respond... that's the worst possible option, totally unacceptable.
Oxytocin=bonding hormone... ROTFLMAO. I always figured it was the "make her think she loves him so she does not have to admit to loose or inprudent behavior" hormone. But bonding hormone is so much easier!
No more pursuing, I promise. No more calls or texts.
I guess it was my belief that he had the potential to be a better man. The moments that the potential shined through - that gave me the hope.
I guess a large part of me hanging on this long was that I don't want another failed relationship. But I know I've done more than my part.
It all just hurts.
Still no response from him. I'm sure he's upset, but he just won't talk about it or write about it or let it out any way.
I'm eating my lunch for the mere fact that I know I have to eat. My stomach is all in knots.
The only 2 men I've loved in my life - seem to just give up the relationship, give up on me. Well, there was a time that XH faught for the relationship - when he had a fear that he might "loose" me.
In the begining of the R with BF he tried, he called, we went out. Now that we are back to living seperately - I don't know, we just couldn't survive as a couple. He made plans for the day after we moved back in with out parents, but nothing after that.
I just don't know. I don't know why my heart is so attached.
Last edited by Toomanywords; 04/24/0604:37 PM.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
Quote: No more pursuing, I promise. No more calls or texts. I guess a large part of me hanging on this long was that I don't want another failed relationship. But I know I've done more than my part.
Everyone has failed relationships. It's just part of life. The best way to avoid a real failure, is to be very careful about getting involved in the first place. It's fine to date, fine to "test the waters". But you really need to be cautious before fully vesting in a relationship. I would say that no one can make a wise decision in less than 90 days-- and it's totally possible to still misjudge.
Getting too involved, too fast is the surest way to risk either being in a bad R, or having it fail. And, newly divorced people are the most susceptable to this, we are very prone to rebound because we want to fill that gaping hole in our heart, our life.
My personal beleif is that when you think you need someone, you're headed for trouble. When you are sure you don't need someone, but you might want someone... then you are in a better place.
Next time you are at the bookstore, check out "He's Just Not that into You". It's a quick, easy read with a lot of good common sense.
