Chapter 21 - Condo to close next week

[2ndChances5]

OK, not 95 different dreams, but several different directions.

I lived and worked in Florida for a few years, and just looked up current statistics. "Steady job growth" is relative to where you start.... and in Florida's case, perhaps its gotten less worse, rather than better? Unemployment shows up at only 5.6% (putting it about smack in the middle for the entire country). However, because of the demographics, it's a little misleading. Only about 55% of adults over 18 years of age are employed. This is because of the high representation from retired persons. This means that a disproportionate amount of the available jobs are somewhat service related. Retail, food service, medical, etc. And, then there is the tourist destination factor, which gives a double whammy in terms of the jobs being disproportionately service related.

When I lived there, the unemployment rate was about the same....and it seemed to show up more than you'd think in crime. Depending on the area of Florida, there is now the hurricane devastation to consider. The Gulf coast was hurt by this, and lots of places have not yet come back. I'd check pretty carefully and have a job in hand, personally. Unless I had a 6-9 months of expense money in hand when I headed South....

But I stand corrected, it is no where near 95 seperate and distinct dreams. It is, however, several different directions, and sometimes it's easier to make one come true if you can get focused on the "one". I dreamed of going to Tahiti since I was young, but have never done anything to make it happen... so it's not really a serious dream. Instead, I focused on my career, some educational goals. Now I am focused on my horse breeding and showing; and have a couple sidelines to bring in the money to make that possible. The other "dreams" are really random musings, that maybe one day will come off the shelf and become a real goal. Somewhere I read that a goal is a dream with a deadline. That makes sense. You can have a bunch of dreams. But only once you put some thought and deadlines and a realistic plan together does it become a goal. Once you get serious and pick one of those dreams, and make it a goal, you can apply your energy and talent to it, and making it happen is just incredible! That's what I want for you-- a goal you've acheived, rather than a bunch of dreams and "if onlys".

[Toomanywords]

I personally think it's great to have dreams that can realistically come true.
I don't have major goals - I have small ones, like paying off my debts. Getting a place of my own. Saving money for Europe & emergencies.

I've always been a person going in a million different directions. High school I was involved in Band (marching and concert), Choir, Show Choir, Drama, cheerleading, pep club, newspaper, yearbook, prom committee, DARE role model, Teen Institute, Student Counsil, Spanish Club, YMCA camp counselor.

Oddly I only changed my major once or twice in college. I thought about teaching and journalism and ended up in psychology and sociology/criminology.


The area where BF's brother and cousin are currently is right outside of Orlando. That is where he wants to live at least to start.

The jobs I have been looking at have been in the northern part of Florida and a bit central. Not too close to either coast.

[Underdog]

TMW,

I've never posted to you, and I'm just hoping to goodness that you can see my intent through a post that I'm going to find difficult to write. I have been reading your thread for quite some time, though I do admit that I haven't been on in several weeks and had to catch up here today... I don't know why, because your thread has always made me sad.

Not because of what has happened to you, but because of the poor choices you seem to make that keep you stuck in a sea of negativity and one where you don glasses that allow you to see yourself as someone unworthy of more in life.

Dreams are no different than wishes, dear. They are wish lists for losers as long as there is no action that turn them into goals. So what are you going to do about turning ONE of these into goals?

You call them different directions, but I see a very lonely woman who is desperately throwing herself out there hoping someone else will find value in her... and throwing opportunities her way. The problem with this approach is twofold: 1) There are way too many opportunities for distractions; and 2) They don't represent your passion.

Um, what passion? Let's talk about that for a moment.

TMW, let's talk about this dream of working with dolphins. I have a few marine biologists in my family, so I can understand this desire. My own D12 has always had the same dream. The difference between you and her is that she's already researched the universities that offer degrees and career paths to marine biologists (in addition to those who will also offer her volleyball scholarships), and she also is VERY aware that it will require an advanced degree or doctorate to get the dream job she wants. Know that to become a trainer, the requirements are equally as competitive and stiff. So my dear, if you really want to turn this dream into a goal, you're going to have to identify the steps you need to take to get you there. This is going to require a drastic change in how you think and see yourself.

If you were my daughter--and you're young enough to be mine--I would offer you a hug and some really hard nudges. Barbie, 2ndchances, qoe and the rest of the moms here have been saying to you all along that you deserve better--and I haven't had to post to you because they've all said what I'd be saying.

So why is it that you refuse to see yourself in that light? I see only one big glaring problem here TMW. You act and think in a fashion that keeps you stuck and unhappy. You choose the path of least resistance... and not because I think you want that path. But you feel you don't deserve better.

You're moving on from a D that you didn't want. Heck, that alone makes me sad for you because I know what that looks like. But for 99% of us here (and 100% of the women who have posted to you and this now includes me), it's like being given a second chance to do things better. I can finally list at least 10 things that make me extremely grateful I'm exactly where I am. No, I'm not in a post-D R, so please know that I am not rosy because I have a guy in my life.

I'm choosing not to, TMW. For the first time in my single life (and I'm 44), I feel free to do the things I want without consulting anyone. I'm able to make good decisions for myself and KNOW that they will bear fruit... if not immediately, then down the road. I'm a whole lot more patient than I was at 24. And that's just stuff I learned because I've been on the planet longer than you have. You'll get there too.

HOWEVER, I can't ever remember thinking the depressing thoughts you did. I may not have wanted to believe good stuff about me, but I always had a career direction. Even when I derailed my train to med school, I took the downtime necessary to rethink where I wanted to be. And then I made it happen.

What bothers me the most about your half-empty approach is that you seem to be living your life by default. By just waiting to see what others do or offer you before you act. I'd love to ask why you would choose something so desolate and demeaning, but I honestly don't think you can see your sitch from that POV. That's why I'm pointing it out to you now.

You're a young woman, and from all accounts here, you have so much potential and opportunity to achieve something for yourself. The big question is, will you leave these leeching attachments behind so you can see yourself as a half-full person with gifts and talents just waiting to emerge if given half a chance?

STOP SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE AND DISAPPOINTMENT! You're allowing that infernal loser BF to drag you down and keep you there. He's not adding to your life, TMW. Every single post that you've made (ever since I can remember) has identified some misgiving you have about this person. Get rid of him! He's not allowing you to be the best you that you can be. So clean house.

If you were my daughter, I'd sit down with you and literally force you to list 3 things that you want from life--without considering all the reasons why you might not be able to have them. (That's such a fatalistic approach!) Then we'd go over what steps are necessary to reach those goals. Note I did not say dreams. I said goals. Goals are wishes/dreams with action tied to them.

I'd ask you to research what it will take to achieve those goals and we'd break the actions into digestible chunks.

For example, if paying down debt is high on your list, what are the things you can do to help reach that goal AND stay realistic? That is, don't eliminate your goals or delay them because you have a pickle that you need to work through. Find a way to do both. And I can promise you that when you start making progress on them, you're going to feel a whole lot better about yourself.

I'd also ask you to find a female mentor. Someone who can help you stay accountable to your list and to help you rework goals that change.

Have you ever heard of Cheryl Richardson? She has a website, and she has a button to link you to local groups of women who can do just this. Find one! Find a group of supportive women who can be your true friend... to help you rework your confidence and esteem issues and help you turn your life around.

Quit allowing other people to tell you how you should live.

BTW, I have to agree with 2ndchances about your admonishment at work a few weeks ago. Pay attention to her post, because as a female executive (I'm #2 in my company), she's dead on. Use this knowledge and put it to work for you, TMW. This woman may be all the bad you say and more, but as an outsider, I'm here to say that she's your gift with a silver lining.

Her message is this: It's obvious that this isn't your passion and it's time to start thinking about who and what you want to be when you grow up.

So... what do you think? Do you want to stay here and posting all your troubles and never changing your story? Or do you want to use your support here as a spring board and coaching opportunity to find good in this life?

If you choose the former, I'm going to be very disappointed. I don't even know you, and I feel a well of compassion for you because you don't seem to see all this icky stuff as the wake up call you need to go somewhere in life. You DO deserve more, TMW. But in order to get more, you have to believe it.

What do you think?

Betsey

[qoe100]

Betsy,
That was a wonderful post. Thank you!!!!

TMW, most of us that post to you are old enough to be your mom. Listen to your mom's!!!! Sweetie, I wish I could go back to the age of 24 and rework some areas of my life. You get that chance. Make the most of it.

[Toomanywords]

Well obviously many people who read this post don't know the real me.

Don't feel sorry for me.

I have not encountered 1 person on this board or anywhere for that matter who is even around my age and has gone through what I have. On a second note, I have not encountered 1 person on this board or anywhere that it happened so fast too.

I admit that when I got married, I felt that everything about it was right. I was his wife. I put him before me. That was wrong. My identity was, largely, being his wife.

Now, in 7 months time I think I am a much stronger person who is trying hard to figure things out in life. I don't have anyone in my life who has ever taught me to set goals or anything of the sort.
I sent myself to Europe in High School, I got a job, I joined activities, I saved my money. I put myself through college. I got my own first car. I put myself in the Army.
Xh and I took ourselves to Hawaii and got married and we bought a house without any help, support or advice.

He has been in my life since I was 17. He was always my bouncing board for ideas and thoughts and everything.

So don't feel sorry for me because I've had a dark cloud following me around, or because I don't have direction or for any other reason.

I came here to being with to try to save my marriage. Then I started to get a life. Not the choice that I thought I would have made or anyone in my life thought I would have made.
I continued coming here for support and because this became an outlet for me.

I acknowledge that BF may not be the best thing in my life - but he is someone who loves me and supports me. Yes, he drains me of energy and money. Yes he needs to get a job. Yes, he has had some hard times of life that he is trying to turn around.

Think whatever you want.

[Underdog]

Ah TMW, you're pissed off. Good. That means my post hit a nerve with you.

No, I don't know you. I never claimed to make that remark either. But I've read enough in your journaling to see someone who needs mentoring and assistance in becoming the woman she desperately wants to be.

You're right... I don't know anyone as young as you are who has been dealt such a difficult hand of cards. Honestly, friend, I admire your willingness to muddle through stuff. And I mean that. But I want you to stop seeing this as a reason to not dream big AND achieve things from life.

So as Qoe so eloquently said, I'd give anything to have had the opportunity to learn and master the stuff at your age but that I had to do the hard way and learn after 40. I have kids and encumbrances who were hurt by the choices their dad made... and there's nothing I can do about it.

Hey, and let me tell you this... I don't EVER feel sorry for anyone, TMW. That's pity. I'll let Barbie chime in here, because we both know what it's like to be on the receiving end of pity... because we both have disabled children. TMW, my disabled daughter was single handedly the biggest wake up call I ever received, and she is my biggest blessing and grace from God. I'm living the life I want and love because she taught me how to do it just by being her.

Compassion is different than pity. And I never said I pity you. I said I can honestly see that you don't have the type of belief system to support your endeavors. These wonderful group of moms have been trying to tell you as much over the past 6 months. Ride their coattails. See the advice as good and something to consider, if not follow. Examine your options. Be open minded. And most of all, be fair to yourself.

Let's be brutally honest about that BF, TMW. If you can list a minimum of 10 ways that he's encouraging you to dream big and have the life you want for yourself, I'll back off and let the rest of the gang hammer this into your head. Otherwise, I'm going to have to agree.

What part of your R is bringing out the very best in you?

I'm not talking about judging you for those choices. Hell, girl, I've made some awful choices in men. It's why I'm choosing to float for awhile. Let's face it: the available pool of men who don't come with hideous baggage is far greater in your age group than mine. I honestly need time to consider how crappy their baggage really is. I may be a slow learner, but I'm not stupid.

I work at not being judgmental, TMW. Please know you have a friend in your corner. Friends in your corner. See the silver lining in your "black cloud". Embrace it. If you were my D12, I'd just keep hammering to you what I spew to her on a daily basis: Life is about choices.

You don't have a black cloud following you, friend. You've just donned dark glasses to support that belief system--and that is a choice. I see sunny clear skies over you.

Your past isn't wrong. It is what it is. You can do everything your heart desires if you take the steps necessary to get there. You've got mentoring support here. And even if your goal is no longer to save your M, it doesn't matter. You've got a lot of life ahead of you, TMW. Put all this knowledge and understanding to work for you.

Fill your life with people who want to see you succeed and achieve fulfillment.

So I'm glad you're a little annoyed with me. I know you're listening. And that's something all us mom's know from experience.

Take care. AND BE NICE TO YOURSELF!

Betsey

[HappyToday]

Well TMW, I guess it's my turn. I too am old enough to be your mom. I stopped posting to you because it appeared to me that you didn't want to change. Yet everything is working out for you really to do just that. It's totally up to you.

Believe me, I was once just like you. I thought I could figure everything out by myself. I thought I had lived so much at such a young age that nobody had anything on me. But in reality TMW, I knew very little. I still don't know everything and I never will. But I do know more now than I did 20 years ago, or even 5 for that matter. Hell, let's make that 2!

I'm from Youngstown, so I know what kind of girls we breed in northeast Ohio. I have myself, my sisters, cousins, neices to look to for that answer. We tend to get 'er done. We're self-starting, dependable girls. I've had no problem climbing the ladder and I live in the south where the good ole boy mindset usually rules. TMW, the good ole boys call me for answers. Cause I'm a product of a catholic-schooled, northeast Ohio mindset - so I know exactly where you are coming from. I also know that you can do whatever you wish if YOU do something about it. We can't depend on others to do it for us.

You have so much going for you. The path you choose to take now can be the most important thing you do in your life. THAT is why we are all posting to you now. We know.

As far as others living what you've lived, believe me, others have - and more. I have. I've been D'd twice. I was very young the first time. The 2nd time threw me for a loop. One thing you know nothing about is being threatened with someone trying to take your kids away. I have to say that you should count your lucky stars that you don't have babies on your hips to take care of. Most people in your position do, and believe me that will change a dream into a nightmare real fast. Lots of people have been through lots of bad things. Think about having a sick or disabled child to take care of. You're healthy TMW - some people are not. You have much, much, in your favor.

Some people go on forever blaming. Some change their circumstances. How you choose to respond to that makes what happens in your life - good or bad.

The way I see it you have two choices:

You can keep on the track you're on and follow BF down to Florida knowing that you supported him in Cleveland. You can continue to wonder why everything doesn't turn out the way you wish and keep wondering what's in other people's heads. You can continue to try to make your happiness through other people, stay at jobs you don't love, stay in debt, and tread water forever. You'd be surprised to find how time does really fly and ten years will be gone. You can turn into your mother.

OR - you can make a plan to change. You can say adios to BF and let him grow up or not. That is his choice to make. You can move in with your stepdad, pay everything you make down on your debt, get out of it, and then the world can be your oyster. Without that debt, you will be freed from having to work where you don't want to and your dream can actually be something you can achieve. But please, take one dream at a time. Dream to get out of debt and you can. Dream to work with dolphins, and as long as that is something more important than anything else, you may. But I will caution you here - I have a firend who is a marine biologist and can't find a job. He now makes custom furniture. Go figure.

Nothing worth having is achieved without some pain TMW. I went back to night school with two babies at home. I don't know how I did it, but I knew I had to in order to achieve my goal. I had a full-time job and an H who golfed all weekend. I slept 5 hours a night and weighed 105 pounds. At 5'6" - that was skinny. But I had a goal and I did it. Thank God. Because now I'm self-supporting.

In the end, we have to happy with ourselves before we can ever be happy with someone else. Dreams are good, as long as they're achievable. Anything is achievable as long as we're willing to sacrifice to get there. Take one at a time. It's all up to you.

Please listen to these women TMW. They have your best interests at heart. It's so easy to get angry and discount whatever they say. It's harder to really listen and take something away from it. The reason we post to you is we do understand. We were once you.

TMW, me and my boys will be in Cleveland one day during the 3rd week of June to see the Indians play a game. I would love to meet you and have a talk if I can.

[qoe100]

TMW,
Your list of accomplishments at your age is very impressive. You should be proud of your strenth, intelligence and perseverence to have done all of this.

However, your BF "is" dragging you down. First of all, I've noticed that whenever something goes wrong in his life, it's always someone else's fault. You've proven that you have the drive and ambition to get things done in the past, but that drive seems to be absent now.

You say BF loves you, but if that's the case, why is he even "thinking" of moving to FL without you? You say he supports you. In what way? Not only have you financially supported him, but you've mothered him to within an inch of his life. For crying out loud, he can't even remember "important" conversations he's had with you!!!

I've seen pics of you and you are gorgeous. You could have most anyone you want. Choose someone that deserves you. Not only make a list of what you want/need to accomplish, but what you want/need in a man. How many of those items would BF fulfill????

I think the reason we're all so frustrated is that you never (except for the above post) say anything positive about BF. You've complained constantly about him for numerous reasons. So.....we're all at a loss as to why you can't cut him out of your life. What would you really lose, except the constant aggravation of his inadequacy?

TMW, you are capable of wonderful things, but you are taking on the attitude of BF. As Betsy said, you wait for things to happen, rather than making them happen. You have no power over your own life.

I'm so sorry if this sounds harsh and maybe it's too much to expect from someone so young to "get it", but I do hope you know that we really are trying to help you out of this indecisive, pity party, blaming others, mode you're in.

Think of selling the condo as a wonderful beginning to get out of debt and do magical things with your life from now.

[whitelight]

TMW,

Your strength shows through in your post. You stand up amazingly well to opposition.

THat's amazing the things that you've accomplished for yourself.

A black cloud, 7 months out of what just happened to you is not weird to me at all.

Actually, I didn't really think you had a black cloud hanging around.

The fact that you are going through such hard times at such a young age is a good thing, because you can figure all this stuff out now and build a solid foundation for the rest of your life.

Other people your age may not have a "black cloud," but everyone goes through their hard time, they may have their's later, unfortunately when they have children already etc.

Or maybe they will never go through a big crisis, but then they will be old and still naive, not tasting all the flavors of life.

Oprah said your 20's are for figuring out what you want to do.

I think your job sucks, living with your step dad would be depressing. I think your BF is not good for you, you have a bit of debt, Your ex-husband has gone temporarily insane.

Soooo...in response to all this and in addition to your interest in dolphins, I want to tell you that when I was in Hawaii, there were many many young people employed by these tour boats that would go out specifically looking for dolphins and/or taking people snorkeling!!!!

How about it? Forget FL, who needs it? Hawaii it is. You can store your stuff at your step dads and go off to Hawaii. Work on the boats for 6 months, save some dough, chill, have some fun with some other young people and figure out what you want to do next.

THis is not an intangible dream. Your ex is going to have to take care of the dog. Period.

[whitelight]

Please cast your vote here for TMW going to Hawaii working on the tourist dolphin search boats.