Wow, you guys are wonderful. I have had e-mails and people chatting, checking on me all evening.
Most are people who remember and know how I reacted in the past.
I did not get through without an emotional reaction. I sent D a one line e-mail right after J's two posts. That is what I was thinking of on the drive home.
So I know I'm still not ready for SC's Nekkid Dance. I'm still more into emotional knee jerk reactions than thinking.
Thought I would post it so you all see how NOT to react! I will say D and I's communication sucked.
Subject: I gave you more credit
I thought you were really trying to help TWM, but it appears you and J just needed more entertainment.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
At least it wasn't a book like D used to get in the past. Course I think back then he made a half way gesture of reading them and I doubt he does now days since he isn't speaking to me.
Tonight I am wiped out, hope I feel better tomorrow physically. This being sick just wears and drags you down.
I am going to bed to sleep on thoughts of a positive day tomorrow with no D or J in it!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I am actually not trying to rush through processing the feelings from this divorce as I feel stuffing feelings from my first divorce down inside me contributed a great deal to my depression, the horse dying was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I look back at yesterday, still from this oh such fun sick haze and realize it was a challenge to the me I'm working on and in the end if I am never challenged I would never grow.
I didn't really meet it well. I slipped back into *expectations* mode. Because I always thought so highly of D I always looked to him to be right. This may sound silly but it is a very fundamental realization I needed to know to realize why even now after everything that went down, I still have *expectations* that he would be posting to genuinely try and help rather than stir stuff up.
I can't have expectations of other people, only the ones I set for myself. No matter how much I look up too or respect them, I can't *expect* of them.
I can't look back with a clear conscious on my first marriage. I tried everything I could think of and knew to try. BUT, I handled the situation very badly in the end and carried guilt and scars from that well into my second marriage. I finally am at peace with it, but it took a long hard look and a lot of misery before I achieved that peace.
My second marriage I am guilty of thinking too highly of my H and by doing that put unrealistic *expectations* on him that even when he opted for an affair and a divorce I STILL had these *expectations* of the person I thought so highly of behaving honorably. I realize the *expectations* that I couldn't let go of are a part of the reason it has taken me so long to move forward and yesterday showed me I STILL have them. I was surprised by J's posting mostly because I wouldn't have thought this is a place she would want to hang around other than to read my thread and get some kicks. But she didn't really bother me. That in itself is some progress.
What I realized this morning after some rest is what bothered me is I STILL have *expectations* that David is this kind, benevolent person and that he was posting to help rather than stir up. When that appeared to possibly not be the case I was hurt and that prompted the emotional knee jerk reaction.
I still do not understand why I put D on such a pedestal. Maybe because he came along at such a crazy, hurting time in my life and applied some of that analytical logic that he has exhibited here on the BB. He also seems to have a knack for picking up women in hurting marriages. I wonder what part of him can't enter an R in a normal manner, but in some way seems to need some different situations to be present for him to enter an R. Not my problem but something I never looked at previously.
I never looked at him as having his own agenda, or being a selfish person. I'm not saying he is in particular, everyone is selfish in some way. I didn't allow for that in my expectations of D. I believe that is why I wasn't too concerned when I married him that he would cheat on me. I never looked at his past actions as being selfish, self serving or an agenda to meet his needs at the expense of other people's pain.
He was always held up to this ideal that I had of him, which hurt both of us in the end. Yesterday it hurt me again, not badly and not anything that stayed with me. But it was still there which means I STILL have not totally released the *expectations* that D would only be doing a good thing. I know I have no clue as to why when he obviously showed me a whole other side to him that he is still rather on that pedestal I created. Maybe because it never hit me so in the face that a big part of my problem is the *expectations* that I have of D.
One thing I am grateful for, I wasn't very good at dbing but this marriage I tried like H*LL to save, even when I knew it was J he had turned to and J he had always blindly followed. I didn't give up. This time I can look back with a clear conscious and THAT means a great deal to me, having gone through what I did with my first marriage.
So letting go of *expectations* in others, in particular David will be a big Goal for me now that I have discovered that it is an area still in need of work.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Imagine trying to paint with just two contrasting colours, to cook with just two flavours, communicate with just two words... or to think with just two ideas?
We'd soon get pretty bored. Strangely, though, we accept the notion that everything in this world is either 'good' or 'bad'.
We judge, we label... and we limit. There are wider issues to take into account now as you assess a sensitive situation. Don't try to reduce it to some over-simplistic assessment.
The more sides to a story you can manage to see, the more opportunity you'll encounter.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: What I realized this morning after some rest is what bothered me is I STILL have *expectations* that David is this kind, benevolent person and that he was posting to help rather than stir up. When that appeared to possibly not be the case I was hurt and that prompted the emotional knee jerk reaction.
See, I think this is where the horoscope comes in. We don't really know what D was doing. I don't think it's really necessary to see it in black or white terms. Sure, it was insensitive of him to post here, given what he put you through. But it also probably wasn't a deliberate attempt to goad you - if it had been, he probably would have posted differently.
No, I suspect he was just reading around (although one has to wonder why, the day after Valentine's Day, his thoughts would turn to the DB bb?) and something in TMWs thread resonated with him.
Pam, he's not the man you thought he was, in either direction - he's not the good man you thought he was, but he's not the evil person either. He's just - well - an imperfect human being. Confused and muddling through, like most people.
Quote: Pam, he's not the man you thought he was, in either direction - he's not the good man you thought he was, but he's not the evil person either. He's just - well - an imperfect human being. Confused and muddling through, like most people.
Ellie
Yes, I think this morning when I was thinking and the expectations thing sort of smacked me in the face I realized what several of you have tried to tell me in the past but I had this *ideal* too firmly fixed in place to see D in a different light. People are Gray not Black or White. Even J I suppose must have something good about her.
Today I'm working on seeing if I do that as strongly with others as I did D.
Thank you tons Ellie!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I will say D and I's communication sucked.
