Not for the faint of heart

[caverna]

prego, I believe in signs. Read my post under caverna's thread IV, titled "HOLLY SH*&!"

I actually have a book called "When God Winks." Here is how I found this book: I went to a bookstore to get some R books and this one was misplaced in that session, kinda thrown over all the books. I started going through it and wondered if that was true... if God does winks. Then I said a prayer and closed my eyes and asked for a sign. I have this thing w/ the number 9. I see it everywhere before something good happens (I know, I am crazy), but when I openned my eyes this girl was standing right in front of me with her back turned to me. She was wearing a soccer shirt with a big 9 on it. So I had to buy the book.

What were your signs?

About the dream w/ OW. I had that dream when H came back home. I woke up so furious that I punched him Not a good move.

I think it's a process. It's like what some people experienced after September, 11. It's an after shock effect: you have nightmares about a trauma. Maybe you should read about post-traumatic disorder and learn how you can get out of this rut. You are traumatized, but, then again, it's really recent, so it would be abnormal if you weren't affected by it.

[bigAl]

Hey preggo. I have had those wake ups before. They suck and ruin your day. What signs have you had? It would be interesting to hear them. Hang in there girl, we are pulling for you.

[pregnant&DBing]

Hey, guys. So good to hear from all of you. Thanks for posting, and making me feel, well, normal. .

Andrea
Your encouragement is priceless. I've always been really good at putting myself in others' shoes. I'm trying like he!! to do that with my H, to figure out if he has any remorse, guilt, anything for what he's done. I know how it is, though, to "fall" for somebody while I love somebody else. I did that a lot when I was younger. And I know my thoughts weren't with my partner -- really, at all -- during that time. I felt no remorse. I felt entitled to do what made me happy. But the funny thing is, I would break up with my boyfriend, have my little fling with the other guy, and as soon as it was over, go right back to my boyfriend. That's something that tends to happen. I try to remember what my boyfriend did that always beckoned me back to him. He cried and begged and wrote letters, all to no avail. Then, he simply backed away, carried forward with his life. And I guess at the moment I saw him "moving on" -- he even started dating someone else -- I moved right back in. Sound familiar?? Granted, I ended up losing him for good that way, and it's something I'll always regret. He was my first true love.

Anyway, enough reminiscing, but it is a good lesson to ponder. Hurts right now, that I can't do much to make H "jealous," or to even show him I'm "moving on." And ya know what? I don't need to do those things. The only reason I'm contemplating all that is to make him jealous. And it's not because I want him back. I mean, that would be great in some ideal world, but I don't think I'd want him once I got him. Not after all he's done. So right now, it's the "thrill of the chase." It's the challenge. Awful, ain't it?

But my point is: I don't know how the WASs felt at Christmas. There's that part of my brain that says, "Of course they were thinking about us." But the more rational side -- the one that understands that human beings are not what I've always wanted to believe they are, but instead can become dark monsters in no time flat -- says, "Heh. Yeah, right. He wasn't thinking of you. He was thinking of J. That's who has his heart and his mind right now."

So I dunno.

caverna

So good to hear from you again. And here's a sign for you: I have that same book! My friend/spiritual mentor was in Barnes & Noble not too long ago, and had a similar experience as you. In other words, she was "led" to that book. It's very powerful. She called me from the bookstore, totally freakin' out! Of course, she bought me a copy. And I love it.

I often share my signs with her. It's been butterflies for so long now. They pop up at the strangest moments, but right when I need them. In fact, after about a year of having butterflies "lead" me to different things -- yes, I know it sounds weird, but I seriously broke award-winning news stories with the help of the ol' butterfly -- I was sitting on my back patio in August, and I had a conversation with God that went kinda like this: "Okay, God, I think I might be preggo. That's not the best news, considering for the past year I have lived off of coffee, water, cigarettes and beer. Very little food. I kinda need to know if I'm preggo, but none of the tests are coming out positive. Why don't you send me one of your cute little fluttery butterflies to let me know, since it would be too early for a test to pick it up?"

No butterflies. The next day, I left work to go pick up a few more preggo tests. Got home, put the key in my back door, and as pretty as you please, a beautiful butterfly landed in the branch of a tree that stretches to my back door. It sat there long enough for me to get my camera and take several pictures, then it floated away.

The preggo test came out negative. That was a Monday.

On Wednesday, I went to the doctor for a blood test, was seated in a room wherein pictures on the wall featured -- you guessed it -- butterflies. I've come to know that that room is the only one with butterflies. As I'm waiting on the results of some tests (that ended up coming back negative, too), I was looking out of a huge gazing window in the doctor's office, over a vast field, and would you guess that two butterflies danced their way toward me -- one literally tapped the window I was looking out -- and they both floated away??!!

I didn't need a test anymore. It was official. I was preggo. Sure enough, my blood work results came back a day later. I was 3/4 of a week to 2 weeks along.

And those butterflies have given me such a sense of peace ever since. It was like God, the Universe, Fate, whatever, was telling me that his/her/its hand was on this sitch from the beginning. When my H left, I rememebered the butterflies, and I felt more at peace, because I know a Higher Power is at work here. I have no choice but to believe that.

bigAl
Hi! Sorry this post is so long. I smile everytime I hear from you. . To be honest, I didn't write down all the signs, so I know I'm going to forget some here, but here are the ones I remember:

Last Monday, I was sitting in the parking lot at work, talking on my cell. That's not weird. At just that time, though, H pulls up in the parking lot in the next block, where the DMV is located. That's weird. He pulled his car in, facing my work. I left. Here's why it's strange: Think of the timing. It's a Monday morning. We're both supposed to be working. What is the probability that I would be outside, on my cell phone, at the same time he pulls up at a business in the next block? My job is way across town from his, BTW. Okay, so that's not a really significant one.

Well Monday, someone rang my cell. It's a weird number I would have never recognized if I didn't know how to search it. So I did. It was a pretzel company that's about 30 miles away from my home. It was obviously a wrong number. Strange. However, H's brother and his partner live in PA, and have started three or four franchises of that same company up north. So I automatically thought of them, even though there was no way one of them would be calling me.

Then yesterday (the day after that phone call), I get a gift certificate from H's bro and partner to that pretzel company, and another one to Barnes & Noble. It's the first contact they had made since H left.

Sounds to me like maybe I need to go eat a pretzel.

Isn't that weird?? I don't believe in "coincidences" anymore -- I believe there's something much more behind them than just being a coincidence (have you ever watched the movie "What the Bleep..?") -- but I don't know what it all means. Between those coupla things that have happened recently, and seeing my H packing or unloading his car at home every time I drive by -- which hasn't happened until recently -- then the dreams and everything else, it just seems like Life is keeping H right in my face. And I don't know why. Seems to me *he* is the one who needs visual reminders.

Why does Fate/God/the Universe seem destined to keep him at the forefront of my mind? I can assure you that my eyes are *always* open to "signs," or "coincidences," what have you. So it's not like I'm just starting to notice. I wish it were that simple.

My midwife told me this morning, even after hearing the story of H, not to "close any doors permanently." What, if anything, is Life trying to say?? Argh.

Cynics need not respond.

[bigAl]

Well preggo, I am a cynic in everything in life except love. No sh^t. You answered you're own question...

My midwife told me this morning, even after hearing the story of H, not to "close any doors permanently." color]

I know you are hard-nosed woman. Hell, I like that about you, one of my weaknesses, but I think you should keep a little place in your heart sort of free of that and make sure it stays there. Let it be around if you need it. You may not, but what the heck? You may.

My sign awhile back was "The Count of Monte Cristo" which came up in numerous places in the course of a week. He took it on the chin, became a great and rich man, started to wreak his powerful revenge and came to a screeching hault when he finally faced the women he had loved and lost (and as BB pointed, he found he was actually in love with his slave girl. Which by the way, I can totally see. They're just so darn hard to find nowadays). But since I had started the signs by saying to someone "I can be just like the Count of Monte Cristo", I guess I'll take it that way.

Keep in touch.

[pregnant&DBing]

Yep. I remember your signs, bigAl. I remember.

And I'm gonna try my damndest to keep a place in my heart open, but I'm trying to close it on H. He's making it easy. Do you know how humilating it is to have to undergo tests for freakin' STDs when you're married and pregnant? It's really quite humiliating. Had to do it today. That bastard. My midwife asked if I could call H and ask, in all seriousness, if OW had ever been exposed to Hepatitis B. I swallowed my pride and did it. He responded ever so matter-of-factly, saying, "I've already checked everything with her, and she told me she got tested for everything in October, so everything's fine."

I almost wanted to vomit. Why?

This same thing happened with XH, and I feel today exactly the way I felt then. That he and his GF were handling this sh!t together, and here I am -- out in left field all by myself. Nobody said life was fair, bigAl, but nobody said it had to be this f*cked up. I don't know when I'll have good things coming to me. I thought I had found my place when I met H. But I was wrong. And I'm afraid to trust myself again. That's why it's going to be very, very difficult to keep my heart -- even a little place inside of it -- open. But I'm trying like hell to do it. I really am. I just don't know how. And I don't want to go through this anymore. I'm just tired. Just plain tired.

[bigAl]

Oh preggo. That really sucks and you have the right to be pissed.

But I'm trying like hell to do it. I really am. I just don't know how. And I don't want to go through this anymore. I'm just tired. Just plain tired.


I'm going to help all I can. I have a single ingredient recipe for this sh^t which works wonders when you can choke it down - fun!. I know it seems like fun is a long way off, but it comes in a lot of forms. Now I have suggested ways for you to have it before, but apparently even you are not as big a nut case as I am, so I'll be more vague - the most fun you can have without getting drunk or laid (which as you have mentioned are not really options for you right now) MAY be to pretend like your drunk and flirt like your going to get laid. Just a suggestion. Oh, and you are little to good at this already, but an occasional f'ing with your husband's mind won't hurt either. I suggest this for entertainment purposes only and don't do it, but think about how fun it would be to call him back and say "FYI. I talked to the three sailors from last weekend and they say they're clean too although they weren't so sure about the marines that were banging OW."

Now, I really hope you are laughing.

[Becca1975]

OMG BigAl! I'm laughing so frickin hard.

P&DB, so it sounds like to me he didn't even use protection with her? WHat's he gonna do when she gets pregnant too? Run off on her as well? Ugh.

You have guy friends, you can certainley give the appearance of having someone else! Contrary to your thinking, there are guys out there who would be ok with it, and I'm talking good guys, not just jerks who would sleep with just anyone. Invite a guy friend over and have him there late so H can see his car parked there.

[pregnant&DBing]

You guys are too much, and I love you for it. These are the days that I'm happy to have joined the boards.

Yeah, Becca, there's no doubt in my mind that H has been with her unprotected, especially now. Maybe she's smart enough to be on birth control so she doesn't end up in the same boat as me. Ha. Obviously she's not that bright, though, so who knows?

I'm sure she's romanced by the "sacrifices" he's making for her. I mean, he's willing to give up his W, her two daughters and his own unborn son. Bastard. It's funny how OW and I will look at things from two totally opposite sides of the coin. She loves him for it. I hate him for it.

Thanks for checkin' in, guys. I'm going to my sister's and will be there until Sunday, but I'll check in.

[kml]

My midwife asked if I could call H and ask, in all seriousness, if OW had ever been exposed to Hepatitis B. I swallowed my pride and did it. He responded ever so matter-of-factly, saying, "I've already checked everything with her, and she told me she got tested for everything in October, so everything's fine."

Tell your H the midwife needs to see a copy of OW's lab results. I'd love for OW to have to go to her doctor and ask for a copy of her STD tests to be sent to her lover's pregnant wife's midwife!!! Plus, odds are fairly good that she never got tested for anything, certainly not Hepatitis B. Insist on it. AND an HIV test. Make them sweat a little.

Ellie

[petiteflower]

P&DBing-

So sorry that you had to call H and ask. I can only imagine how that felt for you. (((((hugs)))))

My H too had unprotected sex with OW. Since she's on BC and won't get pregnant, no big deal to him. Seems his only concern was not to father another child. When I asked him if I should be worried for my health and get tested for STD's, he just laughed at me and said no.

What, our H's expect us to trust that some woman who is so base that she is willing to have unprotected sex with a married man with children has not contracted a disease elsewhere through other bad choices?

I'm glad to hear you are surrounding yourself with family.
Give the tummy a rub for me... I'm thinking the best for you and your baby.

PF