I have scanned the topics here and have not seen this mentioned, and wonder if anyone else has experienced it?
My H and I have been separated about 16 months (married 22 years), though we were back together for about 6 weeks this fall. He had a PA which lasted about 18 months, and I'm sure sex was the biggest attraction for him. We've never had a great sex life, and for a long time it was nearly non-existent (mostly my doing, though I think he had a lot to do w/getting us started on the wrong foot, so to speak, early on in our relationship). Whenever we did have sex, though, he has always been a fairly patient and gentle lover.
Since his A ended, we were having sex 1-2 x/wk until he moved back out, and last Friday was the first he's touched me since that time (about 2 months). What I'm wondering about, though, is his change in "technique." He is very, very rough these days, to the point where I'm usually sore for 2-3 days afterword. Our whole relationship is on much too shaky ground for me to ask him about it right now, but I'm wondering if this is what he's really wanted all along, or he's just trying to push me to see how far I will go along w/him, or he's learned new things from "her," or what. He is also having performance problems, related (I think) to his age (49), prostatitis, and non-Insulin dependent Diabetes. He has told me he sometimes had this problem w/OW.
Does anyone have any insight as to what may be going on here? And advice on how I should handle it, if it becomes an issue in the future (that is, if we even have a future!).
Deb this is just a guess, but it seems to me that he is trying to relieve guilt by disassociating sex with love. Like he still feels bad about all he has done to you so he won't allow himself to "love" you by being gental and loving. Or maybe he is still confused about his feelings for the OW and he is trying to get you to react to him. Yuck, either way it doens't sound like a good thing. I know it seems like the wrong time to approach it, but maybe you should ask him if he is angry with you about anything? I had a lover who was always rough and I didn't like it. It seemed like it was all about him and it turned me off. Best of luck in getting back on track with all of this.
Thanks, cvg. I don't really know how far he is in getting over OW. I did have the impression for months while the A was going on that whenever he was physical w/me, he felt like he was cheating on her! He's never confirmed it, but the couple of times I asked, didn't deny it either. Hard to say where he is w/his guilt; he was suffering from massive amounts of it when he first moved back out in early Nov. I think I probably need to give the situation time. I don't feel like this is the time to bring it up to talk about--since he's filed for D but is not actively moving to get it accomplished, I think I need to wait and see what happens on that front. And also maybe see how he continues to act if we're intimate again over the next few weeks or months. I'm not aware of anything that he is angry w/me about, he's not acting angry in any other way--unless it's just that being w/me makes him feel guilty for all the hurt he knows he's caused. And I am not initiating sex at all these days, since he supposedly has no "passion" for me (which is why he says he wants the D).
Mostly, should I just give up trying to figure all this out???
I know how confused you are because I have been in same situation. My H of 23 yrs. moved in Oct. (he's 45) claiming that he didn't love me and wasn't attracted to me. We had not been intimate for over a year! The last few times we were, he also had performance problems and was very rough as well. I could sense his inability to perform but said nothing, and as time went by, we just stopped because sex became a shore, argumentative and just no pleasurable.
I have no evidence of A/W and now that he can play the field, it doesn't seem like he is. I don't know whether his feeling of not being attracted to me has to do with his inability to perform and he's confused one thing with the other.
Your situation seems very similar to mine, and like you I don't have the answer. At least you have him there and can talk about it and keep trying. I don't have that opportunity and don't know what goes on in his mind.
You can e-mail me at IzziBee@aol.com if you want to talk about it further. I just think these men who hit their MLC years are very difficult to diagnose and just drive us crazier every day.
Mary, I wish he were here and that we could talk about it, but he's not and we can't. He spent 3 nights at my house in the past week, but since he's expressed no change in his lack of desire or "passion" for me, I feel it would be premature to try to talk about it. Besides, I blew things in a major other way last night, and now he's back to pursuing D, so I have bigger problems at the moment... I'll email you, Deb
Wow.. your post hit a nerve with me. My H and I separated almost 6years ago.... after a 6 month separation we reconciled. I too felt that the way he made love had changed.. some of the time he was rougher..some of it was attitude. I too thought that it may have been anger/guilt issues combined with new techniques and perhaps that he had discovered that he liked it this way...We stayed together for 5 years and are again separated and I do not think we will put it back together again...but I found it very interesting that you had a similar experience. I never really did ask him why it was different. Since he has been my only lover I have no point of comparison....I thought the comments made about guilt and anger and dissaciation of love with the act were all good. I suspect that the trust is a combination of all of the above! I hope you work out your problems and can get back on track with him again. If you do, than maybe you can ask him what is going on...It could be he is not even awar of what is going on and that there is a change....If you do talk about it.. make sure you do so away from the bedroom.. so that he won't feel attacked.. and try to present it as a problem you want help on solving so he doesn't feel attacked... good luck and happy new year!
Please don't blame yourself. I stopped doing that because it's not fair to take full blame for our H's behaviors. Let's take the new year in strides. Let's hope that whatever is in store for us will be for the best, whether it's with our mates or not.
We tend to lose our self-respect and lose our self-esteem. I think that I realized that it's not my fault, it's a 50%-50%. I'm waiting for my H to slap me with D papers any day after the new year. He said that was what he wanted when he said he wanted to leave and his track record shows that when he has his mind made up, he does it.
I don't plan to change his mind when that day comes. I have my two great kids, a wonderful family which includes my in-laws and sister-in-law which have taken my side throughout this entire nightmare.
This year has been rough for so many of us as I read the posts and see how many tears are being shed for people who have told us they don't love us. I only pray that most of us will find the peace and tranquility to move on and make our lives more joyous in the coming year.
Thanks for your advice. I don't know if I'll ever feel the ground is stable enough that I can bring this topic up w/him, but if I do, I'll make sure it's in a neutral place.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this for the second time. How disheartening! Were things really better for you when you reconciled the first time, or did you just sort of piece things back together? My H had an A about 9-10 years ago that we never really "processed" after it ended, he told me, etc. At the time there was so much other stuff going on in our lives that I really didn't think it was that significant, but now I really how "sweeping it under the carpet" contributed to it happening again 2 years ago... To a certain extent, that's one factor that has kept us from getting back together now, I think: he doesn't want to risk failing at this marriage again. Anyway, my heart goes out to you, I hope you are doing okay.
Mary, thanks for your words, too. I had started an email to you last week but accidentally deleted it... will get back to it!
