thanks whatisis, and nys, thanks alot for your input. funny, but i didnt even bother to read my thread, and was surprised to see that someone wrote something, that is why i took time to respond. ill vent now. now i finally understand why i have a tough time moving on. well, the way i am, maybe the way i was brought up, culture, environment, etc. is that when i committed to getting married, i really committed. meaning that i believe through ups and downs, boredom, or sickness, or whatever i decided to get married and start a family. that is why i decided to get my W pregnant, to start a family. for me that means, that you make a decision , a daily decision to make it work. we all know life isnt perfect, but we fight. so, here comes the part that we dont match, she studied psychotherapy, for her, life is supposed to be natural, happy, so if you dont like something, you change it, you follow your inside. the risk of this is that you will not find happiness doing different or trying different relationships, or people. how do i know this? well im 40 now, and throughout my life i had experiences that showed me this, for example living in different cities, or trying different jobs, the point is that you take yourself to all these different places or jobs or relationships, so if you dont have it, by it i mean happiness, spontaneity, or attitude, well that is the problem, it is you, the challenge is to find that inner special you and flourish it. how? that brings me to my next topic, which is if i start from the theory that happiness is within you, then all you should do is just follow your inner voice. problem, we have been raised to not follow your inner voice, we have been raised to seek approval, conformity, this is why i really have trouble with just being open. for example, i would really like to move to the city where my W and Ds live, participate in my Ds life, and maybe even be friends with W and OM. however, my ego tells me, how the hell are your gonna earn as much money if you move, then it tells me that i will beat the crap out of OM, and it tells me to consider how people will perceive that i am such a whuzz that i give in to any of Ws wishes (i know people dont give a damn, but unconsciously, and consciously i found out i care what parents, family, and friends will say or think or whatever i make up in my mind what they will say) so now i am trying to do what my inner voice wants, but i cant seem to follow through, my ego is too damn strong, it is too powerful. i , however, am planning, drawing up a plan to follow through not being radical, but compromising, being patient. for example, i believe i should be a writer, so with all this D bull****, i was thinking of quitting my job, and just become a writer. with planning, i have decided to write in my spare time and write a novel. so maybe now, i plan to negotiate for a transfer to move to the city and earn the same or more. the difference now, is that i learned to have patience. patience, patience. on friday i received an e mail, she tells me that she wants papers to start the D process, this after me telling her that we should start legally so that she can have a life with OM, so that Ds have no problem sharing life with their new father. in 2 months or so i will probably move to the survivng D forum. keep love alive, and take care everybody. p.s. ny i am flattered you answered, you being a sort of celebrity around here.
hello everyone, welcome to my life, my story, funny how everything turns out......... well, i am writing from the airport, just spent 3 wondrful days with my precious daughters..... oh i feel great.. i feel great because comparing to what i felt a year ago, i feel im in heaven. october 17 of this year , marked the 2nd anniversary of the B, and i have actually lived for a year and a half in pure hell..... by hell, i mean the feeling of sadness, clinical depression. im not a psycho guy, or anything, but that is what i guess i pretty much lived. the feeling of doom, every second of every hour. well, good news everyone........ this does really pass. i guess you need time to process, accept, digest, meditate, acknowledge, absorb, suffer, etc. to get to a point, a natural point.......... a time of serenity, or something close to it. us LBSs deserve this moment and more. i salute everyone who takes the high road, who does not childishly react, or is negative, violent, or who takes immediate action with another R, or any case scenario, that does not take time to process the pain and hurt.... i say this because people who take the high road, who aspire to make this dreadful moment, a lesson to learn, who perhaps doubt in their hearts that they are weak, or slow, who by external opinions doubt theri own,............ i congratulate your strength, your analysis, your kindness, elegance, and the love that you show....... believe me, there will come a time that you will become strong again, you will recover your emotional kryptonite, your security, spontaneity, and everything with it..... oh well, i just feel good again, said bye to me Ds, and did not cry or anything. saw XW, and saw her as another human being, no problem..... thank you lord for this beautiful day.
hello everyone, time for an update since october 2006. first, happy new year. well, not much really. we still dont communicate, and she sent me her papers, i am so lazy to go to a lawyer. unbelievable, because it just drains to think about legal stuff. however, i have to. so there, all the pain and suffering to reach a point in which you realize that you are born by yourself, and that is the way you will die, by yourself. dont have someone in my life, and am pretty content learning to cope and live with myself. i have moments of joy and sadness, and i have learned to live with them. i have this gut instinct that tells that i will find someone or her again, i dont know, but pretty much dont care. my Ds are doing fine, and they are ok, of course it wasnt easy, but they cope just fine. hmmmmmmm, i actually have no advice, however, i read often, and can relate to all the pain, and impatience of all the messes of ruined relationships. when the spouse does not want you anymore, and you have this desperate need to fix things, in weeks, which to you are eternal ages, is sort of innocent and cute, when i read them. i try to send mental warmth to thos hearts, but that is all i can do actually, for all this journey is God teaching in silence. in eternal silence. actually, one does grow up, and becomes definitely better i believe, IF one goes through the bridge of pain and reflects upon what occured.
