thank you hopefloats. hello everyone, may 2006 be the best year of our entire lives. update. today , my Ds have been with me for an entire month. it has been great, and i have had a great time with them. i am pretty much recovered from the depressive bouts, i have been accepting and assuming my situation, and have been really GALing. i have stopped smoking for 3 weeks now, not really needing it. my frame of mind and emotional life is what dictates all of these changes. i actually have accepted the situation, i dont hate my ex W , but do not care for her anymore. this doesnt mean that i dont love her or would go back with her.... but for that to happen, she would have to establish major communication efforts from her part, she would have to conquer me back, if not, well that is life...... i have pretty much accepted the situation, meaning that i dont care (i have actually shot her in my mind), so i am just hanging out, preocuppied on planning my Ds activities, work, and my personal life. i laugh, because sometimes i feel that ¨life begins at 40¨ makes much sense to me. its a feeling of experience, maturity, financial stability, peace, serenity, well i dont want to give an arrogant sensation, but i am much better than 10 years ago, when i got married. Ds are going to stay till the end of january, and then will go back with their M. i am pretty sure they will want to live with me eventually, one of the reasons i feel happy is that i know i will always be for them and they will be for me. it is so weird to read things and not understand them before, of course DB helped to cope intellectually but nothing could help the pain i felt inside. only time made it better, i dont know, life is pretty amazing, time to heal, recuperate, go back to normality. one thing i have learned, is that i really truly enjoy waking up and doing things. much better doing something than being depressed in your bed all day. difference is that now i can do things, before i just wanted to die. again, best wishes for the new year.
update. Ds are still with me but i am feeling a little down sometimes because they have to go back with their M next week. i would really love to have custody of them, i could actually fight for them. however, Ts and a child psychologist told me that it is better for kids to stay with their mother, and more so if they are female. but, i feel 75% complete when i am around them, its like life makes sense again feeling, that i sort of loose when i am not around them. anyone, has comments, feelings, or has lived this situation before? i would greatly appreciate input. again, the question is, are they better off with mother or me (she is a good person and mother, apart from the fact that she is with OP), in a way i dont want to make that a huge factor, because what if i fall in love in the near future, what would i say then.
i see that people read my thread, but no opinions, could it be that i write too general, that i dont write about the details of my situation? oh well. my Ds left an hour ago, i cried all the way back, but feel more serene than before. i know and feel loved by them, i gave them my all, presence, and quality time. lately, ive been reading the surviving divorce forum, and i will eventually soon, move there. i am definitely seeing more of my situation there, the frame of mind of moving on, and the sense that everything will be alright. however, there is always that tiny hope of fixing everything. in this forum, we are still really working on something that the WASs do not give a damn, because they have acted according to their perspectives which the common denominator is their own relationships. to me they are so short sighted, they value i dont know, sexual pleasure, the feeling of love, etc. and throw away the things that really count. i am sure that eventually they all crash. i know because i have cheated before, and it was really a drunken short sighted experience. i know i am a better person for my situation. i am more conscious of who i am, what i want, and am aware of how my actions affect others. i am deeply more humble now. payed a high cost internally to be where i am today. i just wish i didnt have to learn this way, but i guess that is how God or the principle behing the universe, teaches us mere mortals. i pray for every person who as i write have to live with the shock of being betrayed by the closest person one chooses to love. may white light surround them and protect them, and to anyone who is suffering right now, i send you a hug of love and support. bye for now.
I am very sorry for your pain. I understand how you feel, and I agree that we all are better people for what has happened to us. I know that this happening to me has taught me a lot. You said you were going to move over to the divorced section; does that mean you are filing? If so, I am very sorry to hear this. Just wanted to reach out and say hello. I don't know what advice I can give, except do what is best for you and remember that this isn't about you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Man, that hurts. I am not looking forward to the day that I can't see my boys. If that day comes, I will not be a whole person. I can totally understand how you feel. Really, I just wanted to pop in and offer you comfort. This is a really hard time for you and you deserve to know you're not alone. I will follow and post to your thread whenever I get the chance. Don't give in to the dispair. Your D's still need you and you need to be ready for them when the time comes. Stay strong.
thnx grsshpper,hopeflts, kind words...... i am definitely getting used to living single, in that i consciously try to live MY life. i must admit however, that i am not complete yet. before, i used to have this feeling of void and emptiness that quickly turned into a sensation in my stomach of pain, sort of translating the feeling of emptiness to the physical part, i felt a pain that felt like i had a hole in my stomach, also felt anxiety, pure anxiety, a nervousness that calmed down when i smoked a cigarrette. ugly days. today i feel sad, the moments i remember DDs, or when flashbacks occur, geeeezzz, i lived almost 10 yrs with that woman and my precious daughters. but i pray, or think positive, and those moments fade away. the reason i write today is that XWs bday is tomorrow. every year, i would buy 3 gifts, and give them to her, am, pm, and later on. usually i would plan the whole day with little surprises, and usually dinner or lunch or a party, mixed with things i would conider romantic. tomorrow none of that will be. the great silence will be my voice of protest, desbelief, anger, towards what her actions are. for all she cares, she wont give a flying S*** because she has moved on. well, silence is my friend. i think and believe, that if you persuit, you show interest, if you fight, also, but if you are silent, indifference kills. just venting...........
hello. update. blew it on my Ws bday, my plan was to have no contact whatsoever. on the day, (i gave my D a cell phone), at 6 in the morning my D calls and tells me that ¨its moms bday, dad¨ i didnt know how to respond. if i acknowledged as if nothing happened, i guess it would send her bad vibes. so i told her to pass the phone to W, so i said good morning and happy bday. cold and to the point. that was that, but it wasnt what i had planned. reason i write today, is because i learned something interesting reading a book. i had this idea that i had to kill my W in my mind, that silence was the best, and so i would not even talk to her at all, to me she was dead, and mentally i had to accept that fact. however, it just did not feel right. the progress of a relationship is as follows: contact ,like a business relationship, it then can grow to friendship, and then to intimacy. when intimacy is broken, there is no way you can go back to friendship unless there is a neutral period, this is according to me. i cannot or will not be a friend to her for now. the best way to relate to her now, is back to a business relationship. accepting her existence and being formal, serious, courteous. this gives me a structure from which i now know how to act, not indifferent and not being a pseudo friend. eventually, this business relationship can really grow into a new friendship. to me this is process is natural, and comfortable because i now have a standard. before i would move from trying to be a friend, which does not correspond, to being indifferent, to being sometimes angry. the book says that it is also a great example for children, that during all this their parents can relate civilized because and for their happiness. so now i really feel more comfortable, in how to deal with the situation. just thought to share my opinions.................
hello. came back from seeing my Ds, spent 4 days with them. its a real heart breaker, to leave them, but it gets better each time, i guess i have more experience dealing with the sadness that comes with leaving them. they are happy, and ok, apparently. i did not speak with W, just hello and logistics of my stay. i didnt see her well, sort of skinny. the 3 rd of march, marked my 8th month separated. its funny but now i spend time reading the separated forum, the divorced but not done, and surviving the big D forums. i am still single, work hard, i live with my parents until i sell my house, and my melancholy moments are fewer although i still have them. it is really a time of growing up, in silence i can see and feel what i did wrong, what my weaknesses were, and it is tough to change paradigms, although the situation forces me to change. i now see, that i label many things, i also put in a box many visions and perspectives of what life should be, in terms or relationships, achievements, and life in general. this is wrong. i am trying to change, but its not easy. i have to admit, that i still love my W, although i dont talk to her since december 9. i am angry and very hurt, i no longer want to be soft or nice or want to get close to her. so im in a catch 22 sort of phase, i love her, but i dont do anything to let her know that, i guess i left it to destiny, if she wants me, she will have to show me, if not, tough luck for me, but im prepared, better expressed, i am ready for the true divorce. i will go to a L the 3rd of july, my 1 year anniversary, to research and see how i draw the terms of the big D. meanwhile, i pray to God, that he makes something happen, that is all i do for now. im too hurt to talk to her for now............... hugs to everyone who reads these lines, and best of luck.
update, came back from seeing my Ds. spoke to W only about Ds. cold otherwise, but she made real efforts to be nice. weird, and last night we talked, she sort of explained in psychologic terms something, trying to apologize, sort of, i dont know, she is very very subtle, but i see that she wanted to say something nice. i guess its the first baby step, her attitude changed. i did not want o dont want to ask her or talk as friends yet, but i got illusioned last night, i felt good. i dont know how to react, i feel like being friends ritht away, tell her i miss her, love her, but i know i cant. i thing the 4 months silence really made her think ( she said she is learning and reading.....) ill keep on praying and GALing. some advice please.
your last two posts have been very encouraging. I'm glad you get to spend quality time with your daughters and you should be proud of how you've grown and learned about yourself during this awful 8 or 9 months.
You are seeing "baby steps" and her explaining to you in psychological terms what she thought happened to her during the time the family split is a big step, she's cares enough to ask you to understand what she was going through and in a way it's an apology - like I presumeshe's identified she had problems that contributed to the break up of your marriage. That's huge.
You are also right that you need to take it slowly. Remember the skills in the DB book. Validate her when she talks to you, treat her with loving detatchment, be kind and patient.
Great work, keep it up.
(((hugs))))
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
