Question for us poor souls finding ourselves in this situation we didn't ask for . . .
Men - is it more difficult for you to psychologically and emotionally move on to another relationship if you are not the one that left the marriage?
In conversations and readings I am finding that it might be easier for women to move on to new relationships/marriage than it may be for men. Anyone one to shed some light on this both male and female?
I am not sure I can answer the question very well except to give you a bit of how I feel around it. I found it very hard initially. I had some pretty intense feelings that I was betraying myself, my walk away wife, and my in laws. Even though she was the one having the affair I still felt that I was betraying my beliefs when I first started dating. Even now there are some issues running around inside me. I find that I don't want stbx to find out about me seeing other people. I am not sure where that comes from because I really do not want her back. It may be that I am afraid of whatever repurcussions may fly my way once we get down to the real meat of the separation and divorce paperwork. I am not sure.
So - yes, I have found it difficult to move on to another relationship. The one I was in just happened and was really good for me but it was a difficult thing to 1) stop thinking that I was being unfaithful, 2) imagine I could be attractive to someone else, and 3) realize that I had to REALLY move on ond start enjoying this part of my life. How this compares to a woman's experience I have no idea.
Missy, I have found it very difficult to move on. Even though I've dated a lot, I don't feel a connection for the most part. When I do, I'm now discovering I run away. Trust is a huge issue for me and I automatically distrust everyone to a certain extent.
It does seem to me that men, for the most part, are able to connect with someone more quickly. I'm not sure why. I wonder if it's because they have a larger field to choose from or because they just can't function alone.
Wow, I find myself having the total opposite feelings then HC. Hmmmmm, makes you think since he's a man and I'm a women.
During my separation and after my divorce I dated. I had no feelings of guilt, never ever felt I was cheating. I think the feeling I had the most was "Is this relationship a rebound" and in the beginning it was.
Now my biggest fears are 1. meeting someone and them not being truly over their past relationship 2. allowing my heart to truly allow someone in.
I didn't do the cheating, I'm not the one that left. I wonder why some feel guilty dating when this is what happened to them.
Interesting subject Missy, I do wish you all the luck with your new relationship, I'm sure there will always be rough spots...................but with good communication, I think things can get worked out.
I also have to agree with Quo, number 3, lol, trust, I have a real problem with that one too. I'm sure that's real normal after what has happened to us all.
HC: Thank you very much for your input. For the first 3 years I felt the exact same way you did - I didn't want my X to know who I was dating and to what degree. I didn't want him to know that I moved on and to me that was sending the message that I was shutting the door to him ever coming back. He has been gone 6 years now and my view on life has totally changed for which I am thankful for. He lives out of state so our interactions are few and far between. However, when I do see him - I often ask myself how we ever married - he is more of a "me" person and I am a very giving person - probably more than I should - I tend to put others first before me.
I was dating someone who also was divorced for a long time but can't get past his prior family life. I feel for him - I really loved him but am trying to understand how he still feels for this loss. Either she was a very special lady or perhaps more of a family committment issue that he made that he can't let go of? Not sure.
Friend: Thanks for your input. Maybe the guilt part comes in to the committment that was made to each other. Even though one party broke that committment some of us can't get past the loyalty (and not saying that because you didn't feel guilt that you are a bad person as you did nothing wrong!).
I ended my relationship over the weekend. I love him to death but I can't compete with his past. It feels like there is three of us in the relationship - his children I can accept but her still in his heart I cannot. I feel for him. He is a wonderful man with a lot of love to give.
Thanks Q: Yes trust is huge issue and I'm cautious with that. Fortunatley the person I was dating we go back 18 years so that wasn't as huge a concern as if he was a newbie.
