Looking backward but only to move forward FIVE

[Phoenix_spark]

Hey Sage, I need some input. Could you hope over to my thread and throw out some ideas.

[sage]

Hey SP1! Thanks for the bump! Made me feel remembered!

phoenix, I'll come by as soon as I can, ok?

Things here are pretty good. our house has been in shambles 'cause we're having it painted and we've both been out of sorts about that. Also, h is having a rough week due to a variety of factors (school, some residual stuff for work, not feeling well, the weather, etc) so frankly he has been in a real pissy mood. I got home last night and he was fit to be tied about everything -- it's quite scary, actually, because it reminds me of THAT time when he was freaking mad at the world. BUT, I'm doing my best not to overreact or run away or personalize (all tempting possibilities) and he's been open and expressive about his feelings and eventually DOES let me know that he's not irked at me, too.

I think a night out -- a date of some sort -- is called for.

I still haven't worked out a way to have more time on the bb. I come by on the weekends and get completely overwhelmed with not knowing where to start... I AM reading, though!!!

Sage

[slowly]

so frankly he has been in a real pissy mood. I got home last night and he was fit to be tied about everything -- it's quite scary, actually, because it reminds me of THAT time when he was freaking mad at the world.

Same here, him indoors has not said a word in the past 24 hours, just sullen and silent. I keep thinking of you and Ellie, and the now infamous itchy butt, and get on with my stuff. Darned hard tho, I hear ya about just how difficult it is not to personalise these swings

Slowly

[rottzilla]

Oh boy, must be in the water! My H is also pissy, and it is such a fight to not personalize. And to stop myself from asking "what's wrong" questions. (I'm guilty a few times) Does bring back the old "bad" doesn't it???

Date night sounds really good. Hope yours works out.

[debcb]

Huh, wow, it must be the water! "pissy" and mournful pretty aptly describes my H, after things were going so well before vacation.

I have to remember the "Itchy Butt"! I am so bad about personalizing every thing still, and H and I have even discussed it (that I do and I shouldnt, according to him) but it is still SO HARD because all the crappy stuff comes flooding back.

Sage, I know you don't have much time on the bb, but if you had time to check out my thread and give me your thoughts and suggestions, I'd sure appreciate it.

[SP1]

Hi Sage - I hope your H's "itchy butt" has cleared up and you guys have been able to spend some time together.

I know you aren't on much right now but if you see this could you please stop by my thread? I have a FF issue with H and $$$ issue crop up one on top of the other and would love your sage insight.

Thanks Sage & hope all is well

[amd]

Sage, I also asked you to come by my thread, but I think I replied in an old thread and now I can't remember what/where it was! I'm pretty new to this. Anyway, this seems to be the most current thread, and since you probably didn't see my other request, here it is. I am inspired by your DBing and would like your input. My thread is "when to separate" in the Newcomers forum. Anyone else is welcome as well--I can use all the advice I can get! Thanks!

[sage]

Hi everyone,

Whew, lots of visits! I will try to honor the requests for thread stoppovers today -- I'm posting in the middle of the day because I'm home from work listening to the plumber break through our kitchen ceiling to get at our upstairs bathroom pipes! egads!

Things here are good but extremely stressful for a variety of reasons (some individual for each of us and some together). What's amazing and delightful and suprising and scary is how much goodwill we've built up over the last few years and how having those reserves are so useful and save us during these times!!!

I did step in it a bit last night, though...I'd had a long day at work and stopped at the grocery store for dinner stuff on the way home...by the time I got there I was tired and hungry and irked that a) I was doing the shopping and b) that h had been home for hours and I hadn't heard from him. I had spun myself up pretty well.

I walked in with the bags and the first thing I said (very sweetly but still oozing control) was "I wish that you had called or e-mailed me when you got home". He was apologetic and seemed fine with it, etc. But then it turns out that h had gone to school and then found out that something he had done for work over the summer didn't go so well and he'd have to spend today and lots of time this weekend making changes -- now that's on top of it being the first week of school + a presentation he's making on Tuesday + all kinds of law review stuff

I felt like a gnat. (really!)

Now, in my gnatlike defense, in the course of telling me about his work thing, he was ALSO telling me that he couldn't be home today to be here when the plumber was going to be here so that meant that I'd have to drive to work this AM and then BACK again in order to be here -- PLUS telling my 2 month old job yet AGAIN that I needed to work from home.

So much going on!!!

But, we really did fine. We made an awesome (and awesomely simple dinner), caught up with each other, joked around a bit, etc. I told him that I'd surround him with a "cocoon of love" (which he's said to me before) this weekend but at first it may feel like the "cocoon of judgement and irritation" (referring to my initial response). I think he liked the joke.

I started listening to my meditation tapes again (after a few week hiatus -- though I've still been meditating) and they just help me get grounded and calm and open again. Last week h told me that he cannot believe how calm and relaxed I am about things now -- everything just has much less of an edge thanks to Jack Kornfield and meditation!!!

Anyway, I'm going to go grab lunch and run some errands but I'll be back.

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Ms. Sage,

Just dropping by to see how things are going in piecing.

[sage]

Pam! Thanks for the visit!!!!

Well, things at our humble home are a bit stressed right now and we've been struggling a bit with each other. It's scary as heck, actually, because I see a regression of bad behaviors on my part and all the stuff that doesn't work for me...ASSumptions, personalization, etc. I really need to regroup and focus on positives and making the most of the good and shedding the bad.

We've each been in big time stress mode...h has had an overwhelming amount of work and school stuff to do and for the most part, he's done amazingly well handling it without letting it spill over negatively into our lives (unlike me when I'm stressed and I get all tense and irked). What it has impacted, though, is that he's been (IMHO) less likely to do stuff around the house or come up with a plan for us etc. That has unfortunately coincided with....

a very stressful and tiring time for me. I've traveled just the smallest amount for work and it wipes me out and I'm still not feeling quite adept at the new job. I also have some other major stuff going on (more on that in a later post) that's very positive but also very stressful that's weighing on my mind and making me grumpy at times and overwhelmed in a million different ways. So, I've been trying to do a lot of stuff for h to ease his load but then feeling resentful when I have to do "just one more thing". Add to it that I've been feeling someone neglected in the romance/pi department and you've got a whopper of an attitude.

Case in point last night...I stopped by the grocery store on the way home (willingly, I offered to do it but then resented that h had been home for FOUR hours and could have gone...) It was only a 15 minute errand but I got home irked. Then the first thing I did was ask him if he had fed the cats, which he hadn't, which just put me over the top...I calmly said "maybe we could share that responsibility" to my deer-in-headlights husband and then said (stomping away) "I'm going to relax...are you coming" (a real appealing offer I'm sure). Within 15 minutes he told me that he was bummed and irked by my approach (who could blame him) which I countered with "Lately I feel like I'm doing way more than my share". He took the silent route, I took the teary one. BLECH.

BUT, oh my, DB'ing and 2.5 years of hard work has helped us so much....I went down to make some food for dinner and h came down and said "let me make you a delicious sandwich" which he proceeded to do. He returned back to his homework (due this AM at 9) after apologizing and telling me how much he loves me and listening to my apology and blubbering and "I feel so badly that I put that additional pressure on you". We were both tripping over each other to address the other persons concerns.

What a trooper h is.

So...for the first time in a long time I was thinking "goals" last night...the simple truth is that we're still doing so many things that work...we spend time together which is a big key for us, despite the above tirade, I DO cut him major slack (and he, me), I listen so much better, make more time, etc. I just need to get back to where I'm not irked by stuff he doesn't even know about...

1. Focus on creating some physical intimacy/romance in a way that is lowkey and non-pressuring but still fills the need. Take a few minutes each day to relax together, create more opportunities for physical interaction (offer him a massage, etc)

2. Get a handle on my "I'm so overburdened" resentment. Get much more clear on what I can do and what I can't. If I agree or offer to do something, I need to do it without resentment or anger. But, consider that maybe I need to offer to do less and ask h to do more. Remember that this area was a KEY factor in making the M go into the crapper. Be more organized in the work I am doing around the house. Take time each day. Cut myself some slack. Look for small ways to make things look better so I feel better.

3. Continuing focusing on h's needs. I've been doing a good job with this I think but maybe go out of my way to do one or two extra things a week to show him I'm really thinking of him. They don't have to be grand gestures...he's remarkably easy to please.

4. Focus on my needs. I think I need a massage or a manicure/pedicure. $ has been tight since I took the new job but I definitely need some regular breaks...look for a way to do this cheaply. Also, take some time for myself. it's a wonderful way to lessen feeling overburdened if I give myself the OK to sit and read with a cup of coffee for a bit.

Sage