Okay, another thread locked. Here's my usual recap for any newcomers:
My story: I'm 48, H 44, married 20 yrs. together 22, 3 kids S18 D14 S13. Backstory - night before our wedding old girlfriend seduces H. He spends next six months mooning over her and wondering if he made right choice. I know nothing until I find his journals six months into the marriage. Try to throw him out but he pleads. Eventually after I move to another city to continue my education he decides to recommit to marriage. We are happy, start family, life is good.
8 years ago I develop overactive thyroid, become spacy, loss of athletic capabilities, fatigue, gain 20 lbs.,etc. For various reasons pursue somewhat ineffective course of treatment until 3 years ago, disease flares up and am too fatigued and confused to continue working. Give up and take drugs for it (which have small risk of fatal disease). Numbers look normal but I never feel normal. After two years on drugs, make decision to kill off thyroid with radioactive iodine, become severely low thyroid after, takes 6 months to get thyroid replacement dose adjusted to proper level. Start feeling normal Nov. 2002.
H initiates MC 2 years ago. We go weekly but sessions seem focused on all his dissatisfactions with me and our mutual childhood abandonment issues (my father died, his mother left family in MLC). Things get worse.
Nov. 2002 - I'm finally starting to feel better. I find Michele's book. 2 days later H drops the bomb, ILYBINILWY. Spend November and December DBing madly. Because of improvement in thyroid condition am now able to work out and lose 20 lbs.H gradually warms up to me sexually, still no ILY's.
Dec. 29 - H wakes up early to "journal" then go surfing. Actually says ILY for first time as he leaves. Then I find his journal writings on the computer and discover: he started an affair one week after saying ILYBINILWY with a girl he had just met a couple weeks before. While we were on ski vacation before Christmas and having a great time together, he was still getting up and writing fantasies about happy second marriage with OW. H is planning separation. Kids find out, H comes home to tears and devastation all around. H tells me affair ended Thanksgiving weekend and OW moved out of town 2 weeks ago.
Dec. 30 - I announce to the board my intention to climb Mt. Whitney - to give me a goal to focus on outside the marriage and to celebrate my return to physical health.
January 2003 - H becomes very depressed after affair is discovered and seeks immediate psych visit - started on Prozac and individual counseling. Spends first three weeks of January very depressed - my concern for him overrides all else.
Last week in January, H still plans to move out Feb. 15, but starts to argue with me about child custody arrangements. I offer extremely generous visitation and buy myself a new bed because I don't want to sleep in old one with his memories when he's gone. Arrange for Feb 13th delivery.
Last weekend in January I go out of town on business trip with him for 2 days - seems a little better. H has insight with counselor about "longing", about how keeping one toe out the door in our marriage in case that "perfect" woman came along was a defense mechanism against the possibility of me abandoning him.
Next weekend - H actually feels happy! Is prozac kicking in or are insights from individual therapy kicking in? Unbeknownst to me, OW has been calling and emailing him throughout this past month. He is still drawn to the fantasy but starting to recognize her manipulative and self-centered side.
Second week of February - H informs apartment manager he is not moving in. Buys me red roses for Valentine's day and writes me a beautiful poem. Tells me ILY for Valentine's Day. We sleep together in my new bed. We go camping that weekend with kids and have a marvelous time.
Rest of Feb. - OW is still contacting H although he has asked her (not very forcefully) to stop. H finally tells me all this. Things between us are improving. He decides to write her a definitive "Don't contact me anymore" email but dawdles over it for over a week. I finally lose my patience just as he's coming to peace with the whole thing and letting go. We work it out. Go away on business trip together and ride hot air balloon over the desert.
March - I get my permits to climb Mt. Whitney. H is going to be my guide. We're both excited. I love him and he loves me. R is better than ever. He appreciates my strength and unconditional love when he was so confused. I know I wouldn't be here if not for Michele's books and the love and support of everyone here on the board.
June – we climb Mt. Whitney together! Our love is strong, although there are still issues to work through, but we are learning how to be more productive in how we deal with them.
Well -that's it. Unfortunately my original postings all got erased one day by accident, so I had to start using a different account, but I used to post as toughenoughforlove. I think most of February is in the Valentine’s Day – is it a massacre? thread.
Post Game Analysis What I did right: Act As IF - glass of wine, dancing in the kitchen to Tom Petty with beautiful meal prepared every night when H returned home - tried to stop reacting to his moods and just be in good mood myself.
Notes - kept index card with note in pocket - 180, act as if, do something different
Beginner's mind - let go of preconceived notions and tried to approach everything with a "why not?" attitude. This was also a 180 for me.
Validate, validate, validate - thank you Soup. Tried not to present my side but just validate what H was saying. Hardest thing I did but one of the most important.
Worked on myself - appearance, fitness, conscious living - at least other people were saying I was beautiful even when H wasn't yet! Didn't do it for H, but athletic companionship very important to him, my willingness to try new sports was something he really liked.
Loving detachment - got out of my defensive posture and let H's problems be HIS problems, not mine. Quit believing it was all about my flaws. Realized I could not control what he did, could only control my actions.
Act, don't react - tried to break cycle of reacting without conscious thinking first.
Emotional aikido - when I finally stopped fighting H on the separation is when he started to rethink it.
Sex - in this situation I refused to let our sex life die. May not work in every sitch but was important factor in ours.
Focused on baby steps.
WHAT I DID WRONG: Too much pursuing in the beginning. Fought the separation in the beginning - didn't respect H's need for space. Started to get into a little competitive space last week about the OW when I was getting impatient about the email; H really needs to see me as better than her and she is not worth my energy. Worried too much about things that never ended up happening - don't borrow trouble.
BOOKS THAT HELPED DR The Five Love Languages by Chapman A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks
ADVANTAGES I HAD Coincidental return to physical health at just the right time. H willing to see psych finally for his depression and start Prozac. H finally having insight into his own issues and able to see it wasn't about my imperfections. This board and its incredible support. Affair was already "theoretically" over when I discovered it. OW had moved out of town before I discovered A. H is basically a good guy whose needs weren't being met and had a crisis because of it. H's friends supported me and pushed H in right direction. I found Michele's book right before the bomb dropped. H lucked in to a pro-marriage individual counselor.
I mention these last things only so that those of you whose situations are not turning around as quickly will see that I had a lot of fortunate coincidences on my side. Patience and Discipline needs to be your motto.
Good luck to everyone!
Ellie
Postscript - Jan 2004 discover D13 has developed anorexia and bulimia. Applying all my DB skills to dealing with her illness.
PPS - September 2004 - D13 has started high school and is in recovery from her eating disorder, doing very well.
PPS - January 2005 - D continues well in recovery, despite a few bumps in the road. H and I continuing to do well.
And now for a real post - Have a close friend who is related to one of the Go-Go's, he got us some free tickets to see them in concert last night (great seats). It was a blast! For a bunch of forty-something women (only 3 or 4 years younger than I am), these women still ROCK. If they are coming to your town on this tour, splurge on a ticket for yourself - you won't regret it. If they aren't coming to your town - pull out that old copy of Beauty and the Beat (I know you have one!) and crank it up.
I'm so glad you had fun at the concert! It's great when over-40 somethings like ourselves can get out and still "shake it up" a bit, eh?
I would like to ask you a favor, since you are one of the most respected DR's around here.
I've been getting some frustrating feedback on my thread the past couple of days. I was wondering if you would please drop by, read my posts from the past few days, and share some of your insight.
Essentially it boils down to my T (non-SBT) and posters on my thread advising me to go dark when what I'm seeing working really well is being open and available to SO (sticking with "doing what works" philosophy of DR).
Any input/insights you might have would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks!
P.S. Am I technically "#1" since you are the only other one who's posted to your own thread???
Hi Ellie- You've stopped by my thread over in MLC forum and this is the first that I've actually seen your whole summary. I have to say that I am jealous with how quickly your H moved through the OW phase.
Question for you- did you just let your H initiate any R or OW talk? I've been dealing with the on-again, off-again OW situation since Nov 2003 and have not brought up the topic since March of 2004. H did confess in July 2004 that he had been seeing her "casually" after his confession in February 2004. And then he seemed to stop but I had suspicions until November 2004. I've seen some questionable behaviour in the last two months that worries me that there is something up again. (you are right, my sitch is a lot like Deb's and I wonder whether I need to lay down the law also)
I really think that at some point we need to talk about our R (I don't need to hear much about OW) in order to progress forward. He is a chronic confrontation avoider so I worry that waiting for him will never happen.
Thanks for continuing to post and offer guidance. It really helps!
Whoaaa... now there's a group from the past I haven't heard about in a long time. The Stones are coming to the area in September. It's been 15 years since I last saw their "Big Steel Wheel Tour"... think I'll try and see them one last time.
You're an amazing DBer Ellie and a great person. ...Soup
I am posting to you from my laptop with its newly-installed wireless card!
I have this old laptop that used to be H's (Windows 98!) and someone gave us a wireless card that they no longer needed, so H thought he'd bring me into the 21st century by installing it on my laptop. When I left the house tonight I had been having trouble getting the downloaded drivers to work, but while I was out this evening, H got it working for me Now I don't have to fight with the kids for the main computer when I want to check the bb!
ellie: debcb and I have a question for you because you are so full of info and have done so well in your sitch. Do you know why (other than medications because it does not apply) our H's cannot "finish the Job" so to speak when ML? My H and I have been having this problem since he came home over 3 years ago and Deb's has been having it recently. My counselor seems to think it is anger. What do you think.
I apologize for hijacking your thread but we both could use and thoughts you might have here.
The Stones are coming to the area in September. It's been 15 years since I last saw their "Big Steel Wheel Tour"... think I'll try and see them one last time. 