Quote: but he is just tight lipped and grumpy, which is not the kind of response that eases my anxiety.
Deb,
If you put yourself in his place, he is facing something that is going to be very difficult for him and even though he loves you and doesn't want to lose you he quit possibly has some sort of feelings for OW and is hating to hurt her.
So he is stressed, probably is sick. I know when D got really stressed he always ended up making lots of trips to the bathroom and not feeling well.
He probably also feels you are clinging a bit and needing reassurances when he has nothing left to give at the moment to either you or ow, as it is taking all he has to just get himself through this mess he created. I wonder if it could also be driving the guilt home to him when you ask for reassurances and he is feeling resentful, not really angry at you but at himself for creating the mess he is in now and it comes out as rather resentful to you.
I would guess there is a part of him that just wishes he could run and hide and everything be cleared up. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way and he is going to have to face this difficult situation and then begin the work of rebuilding his marriage.
Just some guesses on what he might be feeling at this point in time. Hope trying to look at the other side a bit helps you stand back a little and see your sitch with more distance.
I really think if he isn't pushed too hard you have a good chance of rebuilding a wonderful R.
I hope you and H have a wonderful day tomorrow. Do your best, 'Act as if'
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Deb}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi Pam, thanks so much, it does help a lot. I know he does still have a lot of feelings for ow, and I'm guessing you're right on target with the other stuff. I wasnt able to get to the point of being able to see that, I have to admit.
I'm caught off guard by how hard this has become for me. i guess what he told me yesterday and Tuesday night really had a big backlash with me. of course, I am more than gun-shy because I've heard it all before...and back he goes. However, I don't recall that he's told me as often that there is nothing to worry about. However, I do recall after their big breakup last fall him saying in an email that I had nothing to fret about and "I love you so much"...so I AM scared to death of going back through all that again.
However, if what he said is true, and from the way he looked when he came home Tuesday nite i'm guessing it is, and she saw our emails for the first time ever, maybe she is pitching such a royally hellacious fit that it will be over.
I don't know what he is doing on Saturday, her b-day....but it will probably have a bit of a cloud over it if she knows I'm with him tomorrow, which I'd guess she will know .
I'm anxious about leaving S at home for 2 hours to get on the bus. he's stayed at home when he's sick before though, so I guess maybe he can manage.
trying to focus on a glimmer of light here, H did send an email today in response to one of mine that said he was actually doing better than he had thought he would, that it helped when the co-workers are there and he has people around to talk to, and that he doesnt mind being very busy right now, as it helps him keep his mind off of things. I don't recall him ever saying those things before.
maybe it's normal for them to pull back, I just don't know what's normal in a sitch like this, and before that has meant he was back with her in a flash.
Sending you positive energy!I read in one of my many books and on this BB that when the A ends that there is a grieving period and that you have to give your H room to grieve.
I know this sucks and may be hard to accept. But remember in such a sitch that your H has chosen to stay with you and loves you. So if you could try to see it from his POV. and accept that althought he has agreed to do this that it may not be easy for him.
I know he created this but there it is.
I know about this because it was something I thought of as being possible in my own sitch. It was hard to deal with but helped me in dealing with H.
I pray this works out for you. I think you did the right thing by setting some boundaries. God Bless.
Hi all, thanks so much for your support. I wouldnt make it with out it. guess I'll try to update, it was a big weekend, and I'm afraid I'll forget stuff if I don't get it down. I am still terrified that H will go back to ow, as he has in the past, this will make bbu (big break up) #4 that I know of. I think that makes it all harder. Especially in light of the looming June 1 date. terror is almost the word for the way I feel right now.
so, to try to recap.... When I got home Thursday night, S told me he thought maybe H had been on the phone w/ow, that he'd come downstairs from our bedroom with a funny look on his face, but kind of a look like he'd "done something he knew needed to be done"?????? beats me, I just know that S is keenly observant. I had worn that snug pink sweater to work, and H noticed, as I was getting undressed, H actually told me I looked good in it...I said "I do?" and he said "yeah it makes your boobs look really big" and intiated ml....enthusiastically. Friday, I went with H to his out of town workshop. S got himself on the school bus like a trooper, bless his heart. H got up at 3:30 am that day, I got up at 4, it was a very tiring day...H was pretty quiet and subdued on the drive up, almost irritable and I thought kind of "angry" under the surface. H asked me to pick him up something for lunch and to bring it to the workshop, so I did that, and had located a park close by that I sat in and read that morning, so I took him there for an outdoor lunch. H seemed I thought distant the whole time....I decided to not worry about it, to be "as if" ....so I stayed pleasant and cheerful, but not "giddy". When we got home that evening, we were both "pooped"...at one point H asked if I was going to watch tv with him, I was so tired I wanted to go to bed, but I told him "sure, sounds great" and sat down with him in the family room. at one point, he said he appreciated me going with him, that he'd enjoyed my company and having lunch in the park...which was nice to hear considering how distant he'd been. then, as tired as he was, he intiated sex again....I think I might have hit on something with that pink sweater, I wore the darn thing that day also. Saturday was a shock to me. I worked to prepare myself all the last 1/2 of the week, because i knew it was ow's birthday, and I expected he would be with her no matter what. I was so anxious about it, that evidently i was swearing in my sleep, H asked me what I'd been cussing about early in the morning...I have no recollection of it at all, but evidently I started swearing when his alarm went off. He said his thought had been "well ok, if you want to be all pissed off"... He didnt go to see her for her birthday, he was home all day. this is the first time he has been home on a Saturday morning since the first of November, which I now know after finding the emails is when he got back together with her the last time. He lifted weights, talked about that he was having a tough time and that it would take him some time to get back to himself. We went to church, watched a movie in the evening...no ml Saturday. I braced myself for him to be gone on Sunday since he wasnt on Saturday, but he wasnt. he commented that he wished we were going on vacation this year at our regular time, so he would have it to look forward to...(it would usually be in 2 or 3 weeks). I told him I thought we needed to plan some fun things to do between now and then. He didnt go to ow's yesterday, he was home again all day. in the morning he started to initiate sex, but couldnt perform, and was angry and upset. I decided to be a little adventureous and take matters into my own hands, and it worked...he even told me "thank you" later. H took 2 walks yesterday, and lifted weights. When he came upstairs from lifting, I was in the kitchen fixing desert. He came up behind me, put his arms around me and his hands in a place that used to aggravate me, then just rubbed them up and down my sides, and pulled me backwards against him, kissed my neck, and said "I love you so much"....and held me for a minute pulled back against him. I almost started crying. He suggested on his own that he grill steaks for lunch. I took him out a beer and sat to talk while he did it. We talked about screening in part of the porch, and h asked "what shall we do with the floor, should we paint or stain it"...so it struck me that he seemed more interested in "home"...in the evening we watched another movie, went to bed a little early and snuggled...no sex, just nice snuggles. This morning before he left, he was kissing me goodbye, and again said "I love you so much"....
I hadnt heard from him at 10, so i sent him an email telling him I was thinking of him, and I got this back:
Quote: Thanks for the e-mail, it is nice to see. I'm sorry that I'm kind of out there these days. I am having a hard time with the grief thing. However, you can rest assured that the other relationship has been dealt with and that it is over for good. It would seem God's hand was in that. Funny, D (ow) had even prayed about this deal looking for a sign, seems that the answer was definitive for all of us. Any way, in a while when I'm back up to par, we can focus on a really good relationship and I'm looking forward to that. We'll have to make sure we plan some fun things. Maybe even fix the 5th wheel up? We could look at doing some tent camping other wise, maybe at CG Lake? Well, I'd better get back to work. Later D
So, I'm hoping and praying that this is IT. I truly don't know how much more I have in me to deal with them getting back together again, even if H and I would seperate.
H is different somehow this time than he has been before though. I dont know how to explain or describe it, but something is different.
I'm praying that I will have God's guidance in putting this back together, (and of course that now we can truely do that ). I know I'm going to have to find the strength to really let go of all of this. That feels big, but I also know that if H is truly committed and working with me, it will help a lot.
Quote: Please be assured that you are doing fine. I do need some alone time, I enjoy walking alone sometimes so I can sort out and let go of the previous relationship thing. Funny, but I think we both just arrived at a point where we finally could let go, it just took a long time to get there. I believe we are both relieved as nobody cared for the situation as it was. Yep, now I can care for you as it suppose to be and you are right maybe we can have the kind of marriage we both perhaps just dreamed of. I appreciate your attention, if it's too much I'll let you know. I'm sure sorry for all the pain I caused, I just pray we can all heal now. Later D
I had asked him to help me to know how to help him...thus his "you are doing fine" comment. It occured to me that the thing that is different this time is his future-orientation, and particularly a future focused on "us"...before, he was almost exclusively focused on the pain and anger around the ending of the A...there wasnt any talk of them both being able to "let go" and relief, either. MAYBE this truly is it.
. 
