It is never easy to do something that we know is gonna hurt even if it can be justified by the knowledge that it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
It kind of makes me sick that after all of this especially all the recent stuff, he is going to spend her birthday with her. But there is nothing you can do to prevent it. You set the date of June 1 and that will be what you have to stick to now.
$150.00 is a fine start for your account. Even if all you can do is add tiny amounts it while you wait until June 1, that is still all for the good. YOu may be surprised were you can find $20.00 here and $20.00 there. No I do not find it odd at all that you are driving around with your "valuables" in your mini van. When you look back on that you will see it is almost good enough for a movie.
I had a thought today. Since you are so comfortable with the priest, have you thought about asking your H to go with you at some point? If your H does stick to what he has said and ends it by June 1, the priest could also help act as an intermediary with OW as she attends same church. Knowing he is involved could give you some peace. Just a thought.
I know this is hard, but stop letting H bully you with his comments. You know what is what and that is really all that matters.
I am concerned that once the deadline draws nearer, he is going to waffle. We know he is not going to tell her this weekend and ruin her birthday. Have you thought about what that will mean to you?
Regarding this Friday, you are going to have to go with your gut. Do you feel up to spending all that time in the car with him? It may be a good opportunity to talk as you say, just don't expect that the talk and the day together will result in him not seeing her on Saturday. I am afraid you will be hurt.
Maybe if you do go, you can talk with H about all three of you moving out of the town you live in. He hasnt been happy with his job in a long time so he can start fresh somewhere else and she wont be around. It might be just what you all need.
Keep up the good work my friend. You are at a crossroads now and you get to chose which fork to take, no one else. I know it is scary but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
The decisions your H makes at this point will impact you all. All you can do is face them head on with the honestly and love you have shown throughout this entire journey. You will win in the end. What that may mean has yet to be made clear. You deserve a happy life and that is your goal now.
Deb, I know some on your thread don't agree with me, but I just want to note some things from your post that I would not do--doesn't mean it is the right or only way, but...I would not mention the journal or the "I'm working on letting go". These are things that he doesn't need to know. If I said that to my H it would be because I was trying to get a reaction from him--and it probably would not be the one I wanted. Don't talk to him about what you are doing. It just reminds him of his guilt and makes him want to avoid you.
If you do go with him Friday--and it is a positive that he asked you--please try not to R talk. Just spend time with him like friends and don't bring up OW b-day, your M, nothing but two friends spending time together. No analyzing, assuming, picking at him. Look good, smile your butt off and validate. Some here will say he doesn't deserve it, but what would the opposite get you?
I believe one of the things that got my H back to me was to forgive and move on. I don't talk about the past and even though it was a hurtful time, I don't need to go over it and remind him what an A$$ he was. I know he appreciates it.
I agree with your priest that he is trying to breakup without being the bad guy. He has guilt coming from all sides and I imagine he feels pretty horrible about himself right now.
And as the DR book says, he will need time to grieve and may not be the nicest guy in the world for a while.
And, this is a biggie for me, my H never apologized except when I first found out about OW. He never showed remorse or even talked about it. But I could tell from his actions how he felt. And I know even without him saying so, that he appreciates me for letting him deal with his stuff in his own way. DBing helped me to read between the lines with him. He can't talk about things. So, that may or may not happen in your sitch.
Anyway, keep trying to let go, have more patience, and keep working on what you need to do to help you feel financially protected. I believe this is all going to work out for you!
Deb - 1) I DO think finding the rings was a good omen
2)
Quote: "I'm working on letting go"
He probably thought you meant you were letting go of HIM instead of letting go of the need to control the sitch.
3) DO go with him Friday. No ifs, ands, or buts. He needs your time and attention, more than you might realize. Go and ACT AS IF and be darned good company (and wear some Victoria's Secret).
4) DON'T bring up the OW's birthday or her present again. If HE brings it up, just say "look, I'm sorry I brought that up, I really don't think we should talk about it now. I KNOW you are ending things with her and I trust you to get it done without hurting me any more". (Wording here is VERY important - you KNOW he is ENDING things (ACT AS IF) and you TRUST him to get it DONE without HURTING YOU MORE (which reminds him that OW's feelings are not the only ones that have been hurt)).
Be SURE he can't find out you've been calling lawyers (I would not call from the home phone).
Oh - and why don't you send him an email to clarify what your "journal" was about - that it wasn't about you cataloguing his transgressions - but that you have written, almost every single day since the bomb, in an attempt to become a better person, and to learn more about R's, an in an attempt to keep you strong and sane and focused on saving your marriage during the most painful experience of your life.
I had a late day but wanted to check in and let you know that I am thinking of you. I am glad that the priest was helpful. He sounds like a good person to keep turning to.
Get yourself to the doctor, if you haven't already and get on some meds for that bladder infection. I have a history of kideny stones and I know that even without the pain, the annoying feeling of having to "go" all the time is nerve wracking!
I was so happy to read that you are going to start your own account. The amount does not matter! I think that it will make you feel empowered! Makes me want to go get my own! (Although, I must admit that I have been hording cash since this whole thing began...lol. It does begin to accumulate nicely!
And, Yep, you pissed him off with the comment about letting go. I think (humbly) that if you continue to verbally bait him, he may begin to disregard what you are saying after a while and think it's all game-playing and crying wolf. So careful, careful, careful with your words. Your actions will carry you farther.
I think that you are doing great! I can tell that this "path" is not natural for you. But hang in there, Deb.
Finally I have a little time to post. I need to ask you all to please offer prayers BIG TIME for H. I'll respond in a bit to all of your wonderful thoughts from yesterday, but right now there really is I think a prayer emergency.
to try to quickly sum up what's going on: If you pray, please pray that H will have strength and courage and peace. I know that a huge break up happened yesterday, and I am so afraid that he will get sucked back in with her, and/or that she is going to make his life such a living hell that he will be made to feel like he has to go back. I know that other times she throws a fit and threatens suicide and gives him such a dramatic "poor me" story that she sucks him back in.
Things are kind of swirling right now, I hope for the better. H came home about 8:15 last night. He walked in the door and said "have you been praying?" I told him yes, I pray all the time, and he said "well I think things are being worked on"....and hugged and held me. I didnt ask him anything, just told him about my ring. this morning I told him I couldnt resist asking what he meant by his comment the night before. he told me in about 2 minutes before he left for work. I sent him an email yesterday. actually I've sent him 3 in the last 2 days. I was pretty down about stuff, and I just told him how I felt about him, life without him, etc.. I never ever ever do this. ever.
This morning he told me that she stormed into his office yesterday when he was typing an answer to me and demanded to see all his emails. That she got really angry and upset, especially because some of them (mine) referred to her...nothing at all bad, just that I knew he probably planned to be with her Saturday and that there was nothing I could say that he hadnt already heard from her....he said she started crying and left, that he thought she finally realized she was interfering and that "things were'nt that bad" (meaning as bad as she wanted to believe) between us.THAT in itself is big, for him to say such a thing is incredible.
About 9 this morning i got this email from him:
Quote: Good morning love: I made it to A with the kids. Thanks for all your love and support. It makes a huge difference!! I hope you have a good day!! You certainly have nothing to worry about now! D
(he calls his out-of-town co-workers "the kids" because they're not much older than our D and SIL) this makes me think that maybe she pitched another fit again this morning. I wonder also if she won't try to make trouble for him here at work. Frankly, I have enough of the goods on her and the boss knows enough I think she'd be slitting her own throat, but I don't know.
I got an email after lunch saying he'd gone for a walk with co-workers, and how nice it was to do that, (I'm guessing she required him to hang by the phone) and how much he needs my prayers and support. so I am terrified he is perhaps wavering, no way to know.
Thanks, dfb, I so appreciate it. sometimes if I stop and think too much about it she scares me, and I only hope she is not a much of a fruit loop as I think she is/can be. H is very much afraid of what will happen to her/worries about her. he told me that last weekend.
speaking of fruit loops, did i tell you about her shoe boxes? I cant remember what all I even posted about in the last week or so...
Deb - now is the time for you to just stick to the high road, be happy and Act As If. It will contrast mightily with OW's antics (imagine - insisting on seeing his emails to his WIFE, as if YOU were the OW!!!! Of course, though, remember - your H like most WAHs probably fed her the lines that his M was over, you were a witch or didn't love him, whatever.) Just let her push him away - her crazy, selfish behavior will start to make a stark contrast to your steady, loving, calm behavior.
I think this is all good so far, so keep your insecurities at bay, buy some new Victoria's Secret undies, and play upbeat music every day before H comes home. (Ooohh - and borrow a page from stores like Pier One, and make your home smell great and have some jazz music playing softly in the background. Heck, it works to get people to buy things! )
Hi Dawn, I thought I'd just respond here individually to every one. you have all been so helpful and so supportive, I am forever indebted to you, no matter how this comes out.
The LLBean stuff: last week I think I posted that I'd seen him taking an llbean womens wear catalog out of the house to work with him....kind of got my eyre up, since I've not gotten anything out of it, and I've known her bday is this coming weekend. h is a big LLBean fan, so she'd probably act ga-ga over something like that, even if she wasnt.
I'm still driving around with my "good stuff" in the van, and have started sorting boxes of stuff at home.THAT needs to be done no matter what.
I was also surprised at teh priests reactions...the OLDER one, the one our parents age, said "I sometimes think people give up way to quickly when they should at least try, but this is way beyond what anyone could be expected to endure" and that "it's about more than just him and his happiness and it's way past time for him to grow up and get over it"....the younger preist, who's about our age, smiled and said monsignour "gets into the parent mode" and he thought maybe I was right to kind of lay back and not play every hand at once, that it would perhaps, as I've thought, just bring out more of H's rebellious adolescent mode since he tends to see his folks as being overbearing. But, he's the one who gave me the attorneys names and some insight into what he believes is going on under H's skin...actually it was pretty helpful, as he was able to share it from the perspective of an oldest male child growing up in a large Catholic family....they were both incredibly patient and supportive. so helpful.
I am still opening my checking acct and talking with the attorneys to get info. I just need to have this done so I wont be quite so vulnerable--or have so much to think of all at once- if I do need to make good on my promise.
Both priests emphasized the importance of following through on my promise. I hope I don't have to, but I am still prepared and determined to. Of course, it's hard for me to keep my expectations low when things happen like they did last night and this morning.
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