Now - as to strategizing - I know you probably want to throw him out on his behind today! Still - from a strictly financial point - are there some things you should be doing to protect yourself first, before you blow your cover? Like taking half of all the liquid financial assets (cash, savings, stocks) and putting them in a new account in your name only? Like making sure you have a credit card in your name only? Like making sure you have all the financial info you need?
Once you've done all that - then I'm not sure how best to handle it. Make him leave - now - and make him feel like he's losing something seems like a better strategy at this point than letting him waffle any longer.
Or you could try the trick that seems so popular with skanky oW, and "accidentally" dial her number on the cell phone while you and H are having loud and enthusiastic sex together
I hate to say it but we've got about 2 nickels between us at this point. I have 2 credit cards but frankly theyre pretty maxed out at the moment. I don't know if it's good or bad.
I think our poor finances may have been one reason he hasnt left.
check out the website wife.org and start making some financial plans. Check and make sure H isn't hiding money in some secret account somewhere. Be proactive, not reactive. Think creatively. Could you get a roommate to help with the bills? Sell the house and move to a less expensive home? Go home to fanily for a while? Change careers or ask for a raise?
Maybe you should wait until the next set of paychecks come in, then move that cash before you bust H? Or start saving a secret stash of cash from the grocery money? Or just start stocking up on canned foods? Figure out a way to get some small buffer for yourself.
I agree with Ellie. Get your financial ducks in a row. I wish I would have before I filed and I have had a fight ever since. You can legally close any joint accounts. I personally would take half of any bank accounts and open my own account. Close any joint credit card acounts (my H tried to run up the credit card the week after I filed for divorce. Luckily the Judge made him pay it). Open your own credit card account. Get the account numbers for all of the utilities. Keep all of your financial papers on you at all times. I carried my stuff around in a big bag so he could never get at it.) Take pictures of the content of the house.
You cannot legally kick him out of the house. If the house is jointly owned you have to let him live there. The only way you can have him removed is if you get a restraining order and in most states you have to have substantial proof that you are in danger. (This is something I am dealing with. I moved out because he was harassing me. I can move back in any time I want but I can't kick him out because he has never threatened me in front of anyone.)
And whatever you do, don't move out. You don't want to end up climbing through bathroom windows like I have.
I can start getting food, etc. together. I've thought off moving to a less expensive place, even been looking at rental ads int he paper. I hate to move S before Jr. high starts, but I may have to.
I have seriously considered going back to school in another town. I really don't like the town we're in, I'm bored with this job and about maxed out salary wise any way.
Is it possible for me to get utilities on the house we're in in my name only?????guess I never thought of that.
I could possibly borrow some money from my family, but that is a difficult situation. we don't have any family within 50 miles to move in with for a while.
deb, first i think the best thing to do would be to stop and breath. forget about the financials and kicking him out and confronting him with proof and him completely.
you are going through he|| and the last few days have been murder on you. what can you do right now, for you to stabalize your emotions? get selfish right now and think only about YOU.
another poster suggested you leave for a few days, and i have to completely agree. when we are so emotional about everything it is extremely hard to make decisions and see what is really going on. and you up and leaving for a few days without a word or call may go a long way in giving him the jolt he needs to get.
right now you need to find a way to get your life back under your control. he is controling everything. when was your last smile? your last laugh? dont give him the power to take away your happiness. get away and take back your life.
i dont mean minimize the pain or the problem. but right now you are so wrapped up in everything that physically you are ill. turn your focus back to you and only you.
stay with a friend or family, or heck come on and stay with me for a few days, i could use the company!
if nothing else, stop and breath. no matter what you are gonna make it.
opps, guys i swear i am not arguing with you all. i started that post BEFORE you all gave advice about financials, and by the time i posted it, all your posts were there .
i dont mean in anyway that you should forget about protecting yourself just like they all suggested! absolutly make sure you are covered.
i am just concerned about your state of mind. you would be surprised at how creative you can get financially when you are in a happier place mentally.
I am SOOOOO sorry this happened. Personally, I think the only way to have it over between him and her is to let him COMPLETELY have her. Right now, she's probably just cheap sex and romantic feelings - not reality.
Maybe going to another town and having a fresh start isn't such a bad idea. Sign up for school, get a roommate, etc. Life is much less expensive when you have one. Although if you could kick H's but out the door, you could start adding a roommate or two now.
I am glad to see you pissed - instead of wavering anymore. He has been lying to you in a big way, and I'm so sorry that he has been. I can't imagine that you will be staying in your job, since you have to see both of them?
There is a lot to think about. Maybe you should bring all of your evidence to a lawyer this week.
I don't know if anyone has ever watched Cheaters - it is our guilty pleasure. I have to say that in most cases, those who try to come back after cheating have been kicked to the curb and found out things the hard way. I wish I'd been strong enough a few years ago to just go live my life myself, but I know that in the same situation, I would be now.
Deb - I am glad you snooped. I know that it is probably humiliating, and difficult, and painful beyond belief - but at least you know. You sound like a different person now.
I think sometimes the fact that H asked where you were and such - that way he could control where you'd be, and when he could be out or on the phone, etc. If he has no idea where you are or when you would be home - it puts a crimp in his style.
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