OK....so you've been good emotionally, a little detached, doing positive things for yourself, really involved in your own life, making improvements, you've got a KILLER 180......and a great resolve and plan to not start an OR talk.
This 180 is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO gooood......that your spouse is off guard. He/She notices SOMETHING different. And it's uncomfortable. You are being cool enough, that he/she feels pretty free to test you, push your buttons, flirt....even get you in bed....you played it REALLY WELL........and THEN.....
(jaws background music)
"So, didya miss me..." "It's ok, how do you really feel"
yada yada yada
You're determined but SCARED NOT TO BE HONEST.....THIS COULD BE YOUR CHANCE.....a solidation of the fact you're meant to be together......a commitment burning.....
AND yet.....you have a little birdie in your head saying....DON'T DO IT.....It's like the angel on one shoulder and devil on the other.....
You KNOW D(&*)&* WELL IT'S MORE OF THE SAME.....LOGICALLY, but ..................WHADDYA DO?
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BEEN THERE???? DONE THAT??????
HOW did you survive?
WHAT did you do differently? (when, where?)
Tell us YOUR solutions................or.........get help HERE!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Well, I wasn't gonna go there to begin with but, we had other issues to clear up and somehow it just happened. I was honest about my feelings. I told him I wasn't looking for someone else to fall in my bed at this point. I said I missed him too. I also told him if he came up to me tommorrow and said "I want to come back" that I would really have to think about it. I also told him that we would have to get to know each other again. He seems to be really confused. I also told him I would be there as a friend and always want him as a friend. He hasn't retreated to his cave yet so I guess I didn't scare him away again. He also commented that he wished he was at the point were I am. With my inner peace, knowing what I want etc. He also commented on my changes. I see a guy who really is lost. As much as I want to help him as a wife, I know that would push him farther away. That, and I told him somethings he needs to figure out for himself and not let people tell him what is good for him. I don't know if that was DBing per se but, it made me feel better. LOL! Yep we ended up in bed together a couple of days after this conversation but it was good. I have learned to let go. ML didn't change my outlook or make me feel used or weird. I think he is still on the fence which, to me is a good thing. Our friendship has really grown over the last few days but, while I am cautiously optimistic about our future together, I know that we will be friends to the end. Sorry for rambling.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
-Philo
P.S. He also asked me if I believed in soulmates. LOL. That threw me for a loop. And he seemed really intrested in my meditation. He knew about the chakras and trying to open them. It was weird because it was like he was trying to be intrested in something I was doing.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
-Philo
Been there, done that, and bought the T shirt. You realize you are human. These are new behaviors not yet hardwired, you will make mistakes and may lose. The question I ask myself is have I tried my best not if I'm perfect. It's a refreshing outlook for us here to for control artists.
Hi, I did get baited, hook, line and sinker just a couple days ago... H: Do you miss me, I miss you. I said "sometimes..." What was I thinking Tonight when H pushed the R topic I tried honesty. I told H this wasn't a good topic since we were both tired and I wasn't ready to discuss it. Amazingly H wasn't mad or anything. A quick subject change helped save the evening.
Are there other things? This will come up again...3 times this week already.
Okay, so this is what happened this morning. I never thought I would ever hear this.
Quote: W calls this morning to make plans w/ K's. She is thinking about taking D6 w/ her to the mall to return some bedding and than go to the school carnival. I say I will also go to the carnival and meet her there w/ S2. She says well maybe you should take them both and I will meet you. We talk for a while and can't really come to an agreement so I say let me get bfast for K's and we will figure it out later.
W calls back again and talks to D6. She says how about if Daddy takes you to carnival and I take S2 with me shopping. D6 of course says no and wants M to go. W talks to me and says it doesn't make any sense to take 2 cars. I will come there at 1:30 and we will go together. Then...."So, do you miss me? You have got to be kidding. I pause think and I am just honest. "Of course I miss you, you were a part of my life for 12 years, I will never forget that. W says nothing, I say, "hello". W says, "I am here". I could not really hear her, I thought it was a bad connection but in retrospect I think W turned away and may have been tearing up. I am sure OM was not at the house for her to be talking about these things. That pause gave me a chance to change the subject. W started in again and asked if an old GF would be at S2's Godfather's D's 1st Bday next weekend. I said I doubt it. S2's Godfather's SIL is cousin of ex GF. That is how I met him. W always believed she came in 2nd to ex GF and I settled for her. I guess I was never very good at validating her feelings on this. I had kept a children's book GF gave to me for years. Not because it meant something emotionally, but from a practical standpoint it was a very nice book that I felt shouldn't just be thrown away. I tried to convince W of the "practicality" instead of validating her feelings and understanding. This caused her much pain and resentment through the years. She brought this up again on the phone today. I told her I was wrong and did not respect her feelings. I would never make that mistake in future R's.
Hopefully, we will be too busy w/ K's today to have any more discussions. Driving 8 hours back from Rochester last night must have given her plenty of time to think.
No R talk for the rest of the day. We had a great time w/ the K's at the school carnival. I think W kind of enjoyed people thinking we still were together.
I tried to be honest but in an upbeat way. I did not sound pleading or remorseful. I sounded (and I think I am) like it was a fact but something that is not consuming me. I also made sure that when I validated her feelings about ex that I did not talk about "our future" just future R's. In my mind any R whether w/ W or not will be a new one. My old R is dead and I have to think that way.
I am the man who is loving my kids and will keep them from continuing this cycle of destruction.
DERaven - can I ask a question? If you're DB'ing, and wife sounds like she may regret her decision, why is it bad to talk about your R? Sorry, but I'm just confused on this, and I don't know why it's a bad thing if your S comes around and wants to talk @ the R, then we're not supposed to talk @ it? How do you know when it is ok to talk @ R?
I don't know if that was DBing per se but, it made me feel better. LOL! Yep we ended up in bed together a couple of days after this conversation but it was good. I have learned to let go. ML didn't change my outlook or make me feel used or weird. I think he is still on the fence which, to me is a good thing. Our friendship has really grown over the last few days but, while I am cautiously optimistic about our future together, I know that we will be friends to the end. Sorry for rambling. 