IHJ, which DVD is it: "The Marriage Breakthrough® Interactive Seminar on DVD" (6 hours on 2 DVDs) or "Getting Unstuck" (is this sort of a condensed version of the 6 hour one?) The Divorce Busting online store mentions both. Thanks, Doglover
There are many wise, empathetic and funny people here: you are my buddies - I'm grateful for your support.
As you see, I am pretty entrenched in the program here. For a very long time, I have ignored and put on a shelf the problems in my marriage, distracting myself and just living in a general state of dissatisfaction. Maybe I was thinking that one day I would just escape all this and just move on with my life.
I'm at a different place now. There are times I get discouraged, frustrated and want to escape, but I am feeling a sense of pride that I am working through my problems and becoming a better person. I'm facing up to the damage and rehabilitating the marriage. Using an analogy ( where are you, JJ?), it's like being in an accident and having to relearn how to walk...you may never have the natural grace you once had, but once you get past the anger you start to appreciate each new step.
I am becoming a calmer and happier person. I was at my son's school yesterday and a mother there commented that I must be on drugs...I felt impervious to the sea of complaints around me. My perspective is changing...I am finding that this program is helping me " do the right thing" in several aspects of my life, rather than just go by my feelings.
Doglover, in answer to your question, I am doing the Marriage Breakthrough with H ( to clue him in on what I'm about these days)and Lostgal, I am going to do the 2005 KLA group here on the BB for myself.
H and I watched a little more of the DVD last nite...it really is a nice " together" thing to do...one point Michele made was that marriage is like a seesaw, the more you do in one area the less your spouse will do there. At times I will need to take a break in leading the way with the relationship improvement stuff...pull back and see where he is at. Right now I need to do this not just for the marriage, but for me. I have been a pro at distracting myself from myself.
Didn't watch the DVD this weekend, but we did connect sexually and had some interesting convos. H told me that he feels more frisky when he feels I am being friendly and non-critical...that he needs to feel that kind of feeling from me in order to feel sexual. I know I am working on being less angry and more chipper, but I have to balance this with being true to myself and not some Barbie Doll for him. I pointed out to H that he provokes me in a way to bring out the negativity, and to his credit he said he realized this and that it was all part of the puzzle.
In another convo, I mentioned my concern that our sex life would revert back to nothingness if I start having issues with my sex drive again, and he replied that he felt the thing he needed to do was concentrate on his sex drive and that would help us along. I like this answer becasue it showed a level of differentiation and H not just relying on my moods.
One area that bothers me is that I can't capitalize on my own randiness when it hits me...I mean, I can be aggressive and have him 'take care of me" but this won't lead to him feeling up for IC, and this makes me feel unattractive/rejected, although I know somewhere that it's his issue. I have to get back into that space of feeling my own sexual confidence and having patience for where he's at. The schedule really helps me because it's a way of my having some control in the initiations.
I have been more responsible to myself during the scheduled encounters, making sure I feel satisfied, instead of playing the martyr ( which I did yrs ago). Again, to my H's credit, he is coming forward to ask me how I am feeling and showing more interest/concern, which is nice.
Quote: one point Michele made was that marriage is like a seesaw, the more you do in one area the less your spouse will do there.
You have that right IHJ. It happens to me. The more I cook or do R work, the more BB just seems happy to coast along. I quit cooking almost all the meals and BB picked up the slack and seems to be happier she is making things her way.
Quote: I have been more responsible to myself during the scheduled encounters, making sure I feel satisfied, instead of playing the martyr ( which I did yrs ago). Again, to my H's credit, he is coming forward to ask me how I am feeling and showing more interest/concern, which is nice.
InherJourney, That statement sounded like some of the progress we all want or wanted at one time. Congratulations to "both" of you for the win, win position you have reached to date.
Lou, thank you for the comments. I have been trying to remove or get around the obstacles, and while we don't have that free, natural, spontaneous love life I remember from my youth, we are starting to have a consistent and satisfying sex life, which is of course just one aspect of a good marriage, but an important one.
H and I finished watching the DVD last nite. The last part talks about how to have a constructive conversation. She asks the audience to chime in on ways to have a bad convo ( things like having a bad attitude, eye rolling, criticizing, same-calling, etc. were mentioned) and then she goes over tips for better communication. A few things that stuck out for me were: be specific and stick to the point, leave the past in the past, ignore "zingers", remember that he/she has heard you, and take a time out if things escalate.
She lists her 4 golden rules of love: 1. Do real giving 2. People need hugs the most when they deserve them the least 3. Don't forget to laugh 4. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself
She ends the seminar by repeating the message of having an open heart, and then has the group do a relaxation exercise, closing their eyes and visualizing the early, happy days of their relationship. When the DVD ended my H and I were very quiet with each other...I felt touched by it and drained at the same time...we made a few comments and went to sleep. This am he made tea for us and lit a candle and had some superficial talk. I think we're trying to absorb how to be nicer and better to each other...hopefully we'll figure out a way to make it last and it will become easier.
So HP...the DVD is all yours...let me know how to get in touch with you to send it off.
Oh Journey, you are such a wonderful person. Reading your message this am made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm so happy that your story is turning out the way it is.
I am anxious to watch them and see what H thinks of it. Everything you've written sounds like it will appeal to him in a common sense kind of way. You can reach me at roostergalc@yahoo.com.
Would you mind if I sent you something via your e-mail that you just provided? Since we both have kids I have a picture I'm proud of that I think you'd appreciate
