We watched a little of the DVD last night. This part was about gender differences and how they affect the marriage. Michele prefaces her comments by saying these are generalities and may work the opposite way in some marriages. The basic points are: Women want to connect verbally and talk about feelings; men are more action oriented and avoid "feelings talk." Women work with both sides of the brain simultaneously, while men tend to focus on one thing at a time and find it hard to be interrupted. Women want to have a good EC going before having sex, while men want the physical connection first which leads to the EC, and how this dynamic alone has brought down many marriages.
The tape is slanted towards the HDH/ LDW POV as Michele discusses her H's strong priority for sex...in a few places she discusses her H's physicality and his red-blooded Amercian male behavior. Part of me was concerned that my H would feel inadequte hearing how typical men behave, and part of me wanted him to hear it ( be a typical man and ravish me).
Anyway, the point Michele makes is that the problem isn't the differences, it's the blaming and lack of problem solving that go along with the differences, and I think that's true no matter what the issues are.
Next, she was going to discuss solutions, but the first DVD ended so we stopped there. We did end up ML last nite which was nice.
keeping this thread updated...watched a half hr of the DVD last nite...my H actually was the one to suggest it, which helps me to see he is trying.
Michele has a list of tips for mean and women to help bridge the gender gap. I'll just list them here, but on the tape she goes through each one in detail.
Tips for Men 1. Spend time together 2. Talk to her 3. Remember the little things
Tips for Women 1. Don't judge him 2. Talk to women friends 3. Be brief and to the point 4. Focus on your sexual relationship
Again, the DVD is slanted towards HDM and LDW, with Michele emphasizing that men's need for sex is not just about phsyical release, that it's about feeling loved and connected, and for women to try to go along because of the many benefits and because they will likely enjoy it once they get started. She did mention at the end that it could work in reverse in some marriages.
In my sich, my H wants sex, but there are times when he has difficulty with arousal, and he puts pressure on himself, or feels pressure from me. We have calmed down from last weeks sex marathon and have decided to go back to the schedule.
The DVD's sound interesting. All of the information seems to be right in line with everything else that I have read. Although I do have a question. Under the tips for women, what is the importance and the relevance of "talk to women friends?" In what context is it used? -Bananas
"Talk with women friends" refers to a woman's need to connect in a verbal way that men may not understand. Michele points out that women often want to talk about feelings, have a tendency to move quickly from one topic to the next ( and back again) and are sometimes dissatisfied with men's topics which may seem boring or trivial. So instead of expecting our spouses to engage in a certain type of talk, she suggests getting this need filled with your women friends, preventing further disappointment in the marriage.
BTW... I saw on your thread you didn't feel a need for MC now that things are better... I think that doing what I am doing, watching a tape with H, is a nice way to get some marital pointers without feeling you need serious "treatment." My H and I were remarking that we should have done something like this yrs ago. I like the marriage encounter suggestion, and that UL seminar Lillieperl is signed up for with her b/f sounds interesting, too.
We watched a little more of the DVD( getting there, HP).
You all here on the BB are already experts on this part...how just one person can change the dynamics of the relationship by changing your own actions. Michele says, " Tip over the first domino" and make the first move towards change; don't whine about being the one to have to go first...if you start, you will get in return. Learn to push your partner's buttons in a positive way...be aware of his/her responses to what you do.
She then goes through a discussion of "cheeseless tunnels"...expecting to have good results because it may have worked before or because you think you are right. Avoid doing " more of the same" in which the thing you do to solve a problem becomes the problem. Do what works...if it's not working, then change.
She has the couples do an exercise, and then one couple discusses an issue and she has the group come up with new ideas to help solve the problem. H and I could have paused the tape and worked on our own stuff but we just passively watched,lol. We are getting along well but not feeling particularly passionate, so we will wait for Sat to ML ( the schedule takes over...such a good idea, ty Nop). We went to bed in cuddle mode.
No DVD update...kids are home from school this week and we are leaving on our trip on Wed ( coming home Sun). H and I have both been working on the marriage, catching each other when we mess up, and moving on. I still have a tendency to sabotage the progress because of old resentements and fear of being close. My goal right now is to have a loving marriage and nice family life...I have lowered my expectations for a real passionate marriage and keep working on "good." So I am passionate about having a good sex life.
My H is coming through and initiating on our planned nites, and then some. He asked me yesterday when I would like to do something again because he wants to save something for the trip...I liked this because he is thinking about my needs and how I would like our SL to play out.
I will get back to the tape after the break...hope I can put the knowledge to the test and not sabotage my vacation.
watched a bit more of the DVD...here are some pointers:
1. Do more of what works---figure out what works and take action. For me, that's acting chipper and enthusiastic with and about H even when I don't exactly feel that way. For my H, it would mean being accountable to me even when he really doesn't think it's necessary.
2. Focus on strengths--- Michele talks about how we find the one thing wrong and tell our partners about it. I think I hold back on positive comments because I am waiting to hear something positive from him, or because I know he looks for praise so much, so I don't give it because then I feel like his mother, but if he really that needy for it, I should do it.
3. Pay attention to how you make up--- figure out the way your arguments come to an end ( she calls this identifying truce triggers) and how your spouse signals to you that it's time to make up. I know that when H and I argue, I really try to push him away, but if I see he is holding on and not heading for the door, I begin to back down. There will always be fights...the idea is to catch yourself sooner. Michele shares some anecdotes about her own marriage...how she and her H resolve the tension( not necesarily the argument) quicker.
The DVD is really about communication skills, but the HDM/LDW part is there, so I wanted to give fair warning. There's a story about Michele and her H driving to a hotel and how he couldn't handle being distracted by her desire to make a detour...she then jokes how he might have wanted to race to the hotel for other reasons, as if to introduce the idea that it's okay to indulge your high drive man. Well, my H has not raced to a hotel with me for yrs ( maybe he doesn't want to see my jiggly breasts, lol). I did feel bad for H during these parts because I know he still struggles with his manliness ( our favorite word, huh). For instance, he will overstate the amount of sex we're having, and he recently made a comment about how I couldn't handle it if his sex drive were higher...hahahaha. It's not a big part of the tape...I am probably extra sensitive to it, and felt the need to point it out here on the SSM board.
I think a good idea is to preview the sections before watching with your H---that is, if I ever finish it,lol.
Still working hard at all of this. H and I will try to watch more of the DVD tonite or tomorrow nite.
I am paying closer attention to this dynamic where H provokes abandonment fears in me and then I get all angry and he acts like he did nothing wrong. Slowly we are working our way out of this...H is more aware of how he stirs me up, and I am ditching the anger and we are feeling closer.
Last nite was a bit tricky...H went out with a friend, but it was also a ML schedule nite, so I asked him if he wanted to let it go, and he said no. He came home later than expected, but made sure to call me and let me know. So something is getting through.
Since it was late, I asked again if he wanted to rescehdule, but he said "absolutely not" and got started on things. I felt tense and it took me a long time to loosen up...H was also struggling just a bit...there were a bunch of starts and stops til we got into a good groove and both " got there." I am writing all this down to show that although I would like the fantasy of the two of us really connecting and being blown away by each other, the reality is that because of our history and such, it does take work and patience on both our parts. We have so much baggage...my insecurities that he isn't turned on by me, his resentment over my rejection of him in the past, performance issues, pressure, overcoming shyness/awkwardness etc...it's all there.
One nice thing was that since it took me a long while to heat up, I thought he would make some comment about the time...instead, he said he had a lot of fun. This morning he was very affectionate and mentioned he wants to give me a message tonite( non-sexual) with one of the bath products he got me for Mother's Day. Also, I asked him his thoughts about the schedule, if it added too much pressure, and he said no, that he thought it's a good idea.
So we're trying to get through all the muck...patience, patience, patience.
