I enjoyed that. It seems very reasonable. But I wonder where I'm at. We know from previous that I screwed up stage 2, it went back to stage 1 and she became more determined. Then she read the thread and went back to stage 1, but more determined. I do not feel she's left stage 1. Because of dragging stage 1 and 2 out so long she's gotten really close to divorce. I'm really not sure it can be derailed.
Remember how I said I would do nothing? Well I did do something. I called a realtor. I also asked my wife if she wanted to be part of sale of house. Then I called back and said...that was really insensitive at this time...I'm sorry. I just wanted to get the realtor's impression.
Was that all? Hell no. I stopped over there after work to pick up s-son. I said...I'm sorry for how I acted. Being friends with you is better than not having any contact. I did a few things for her at the apartment then before I left I initiated a hug. It was okay I suppose. I saw her again after that briefly. Short sweet interactions. She did drop off the dog without saying anything, but that's okay.
So Sage, what stage does that put me at? I promise I will be patient through stage 2 if it ever comes again. I will not bring up D until I'm served with papers. I guess you should have been quicker. THanks for your comments though. I appreciate it.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
hey Hope Whatever you do - do NOT follow what another DBer did - her sitch and the way things have gone are truly MIRACULOUS. Her thread is entitled 'But even if he doesn't...' in Staying Solution Focussed. Even though it seems to have worked, it's not something to try unless you're willing to risk it all.
Mind you I don't think she intended it to be part of her DBing EVER!
I've followed Sage around the BB and wow are you in good hands or what? Quit being so impatient *slaps your wrists*
Take care and g'bless Ruby*
...and they lived happily ever after. Or did they?
It's funny -- I read this post yesterday, and voila, after 3 weeks of no contact with my SO, poof! I get an email from him last night! I think I'm in stage 2.
Now I just have to figure out how to respond.
Anyway, this is very helpful. Thank you for your thoughtfulness on this.
Quote: So Sage, what stage does that put me at? I promise I will be patient through stage 2 if it ever comes again. I will not bring up D until I'm served with papers. I guess you should have been quicker. THanks for your comments though. I appreciate it.
I think you're between stage 1 and stage 2 but dude, you gotta stop trying to drag her back into stage 1!! Your w seems confused some of the time so work with that! Create really positive interactions between the two of you and cut down (ok, eliminate!) the bad stuff!
Are you going away this weekend? I think the break will be good for you both! If so, I hope you have a good time.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I am going away, just for basically one day. A really quick trip, but I'm going to spend the weekend catching up on stuff. Yesterday was way to much pressure,etc. I am not trying to push her back to stage 1 and I think (as I often do) that this time I have control of what I want to do and goals firmly in mind.
Unfortunately, there is this ugly little demon in my head that is playing a different tune every once in awhile. It's called pros and cons of life with my wife. This little demon starts throwing out things that made life difficult with her, the things I disliked about her, etc and says..."is it really worth it? You might handle things differently when you are back together but will you wife? Can you trust her not to just run again even if you had her back?" I'm going to spend this weekend sending that little demon back to hell so I can think.
I'm not going to say I won't slip up, but I will say that I'm going to see this thing through stage 2 onto 3. I just hope I get to do that when I'm still married.
As always, thanks for comments.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: Is that stupid or what? I also asked her what's her hurry...she says this isn't a hurry...and why delay?...and I essentially said I didn't think I could be her friend to the extent we currently were...she criend said she had to go....I didn't leave it at that...I called back and essentially did more of the same...said I needed a couple weeks to come to grips with things and I didn't want any contact with her....then I later took it back. Td ahe conversation was completely insane....at least I was.
I wasn't mad, I didn't raise my voice, I didn't cry, I didn't rant and rave...I just didn't have any kind of rationale thinking going on. I didn't know what I wanted. It was mainly just rambling...saying something...taking it back...saying something else....I just basically said...I'm confused about what I want and how I'll feel after divorce. At one point I did want to give an ultimatum but fortunately didn't. I do have serious doubts that I can just hang out with her like I would with a male friend for months on end. I can only do that if I don't love her or want anything else from her. I've never had a long term female friend and I really don't know if I want one, especially not one I love that doesn't love me back. That sounds insane.
Hi HOPE,
I lost track of your thread and just stumbled across you here and caught up.
I know how you feel about not knowing what kind of R you want after a potential D. I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel that I need to explain that to my W, because she seems so comfortable thinking that we will be friends and there for each other after a D. Then I remind myself that I don't know what I really want. That I so often in the past would make strong statements or give an ultimatum that I didn't really mean. Until I figure it out, I'm going to try to continue to say nothing.
Quote: Unfortunately, there is this ugly little demon in my head that is playing a different tune every once in awhile. It's called pros and cons of life with my wife. This little demon starts throwing out things that made life difficult with her, the things I disliked about her, etc and says..."is it really worth it? You might handle things differently when you are back together but will you wife? Can you trust her not to just run again even if you had her back?" I'm going to spend this weekend sending that little demon back to hell so I can think.
Right, the Demon of Doubt. But insisting on erasing doubt makes the problem just too hard. It's too early to give up.
JRB, "I know how you feel about not knowing what kind of R you want after a potential D. I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel that I need to explain that to my W, because she seems so comfortable thinking that we will be friends and there for each other after a D. Then I remind myself that I don't know what I really want. That I so often in the past would make strong statements or give an ultimatum that I didn't really mean. Until I figure it out, I'm going to try to continue to say nothing." Ditto for me. I don't think I've ever just idled this long and let W push all the paper work to D. Regardless of what I do it's "control." I think I'm beginning to learn what putting it in God's hands means. It sure takes faith!
Been a few days since I posted. I did take the weekend off. It was fun. Anyway...here's what has happened since last post. When I landed in Denver I noticed I had a voice message from W. It said.."I forgot to tell you to have a good time. Let me know when you'll be back." I did call my wife 3 or 4 hours after getting to Denver. I don't know...I just couldn't help myself, but the conversation was good, mainly just discussing the little I had done so far with my friend and how he was doing. The rest of the time my friend and I were off doing various things...nothing a married man shouldn't do.
If anyone was watching the news you will note that I was unlikely to get out of Denver on Sunday (and I didn't). Snowed in. I let my wife know and she asked what she could do. I told her just take care of the animals. We talked back and forth a few times during the day since I was trying to figure out if I could catch a different flight that day and trying to get through to United.
Anyway, the only other notable contact was she called to say one of our neighbors down the street would be interested in buying our house. The interaction after that wasn't great. I asked "do you want me to sell?" and she said she didn't care one way or the other. So that ended the day's convo.
Monday she called in the afternoon to see if i had gotten home. I didn't know I had the voice mail but I did call anyway and tell her I had arrived. Some talk about the airport etc. I did go by after work and pick up S-son. I had to wait an hour at her house while he ate. We talked about the Denver trip, my friend, and some movies we had both seen. It was a nice convo. So now today....no interaction at all. Which drives me crazy after we interact good. I'm still not sure whether I should contact her or let her contact me. I really don't have a reason to call other than to say Hi. This is the part that is hard.
One thing I do note as this goes along. When I abandon thinking about my wife physically or wanting some form of physical contact and I don't have reconciliation in mind when I talk to her that the conversation is good. More like just friends and I do tend to leave without expectations or hopes. This is turning into a friendship that I enjoy, I just wish we had more contact.
Well that's it for now. I'll keep you posted. I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate stage 1-2.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
