The quote has no particular special meaning for me. I just liked it. I like quotes so I just find ones that appeal to me. I usually switch up quotes a little more frequently but I guess I felt like staying with this for a bit more. Do you like it?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
My wife called yesterday afternoon from vacation. We just talked about what was going on there and here, so it was mainly shooting the breeze. So I'd call that a positive. I did get the feeling that she had stuff on her mind. I didn't push it though and ask her. I was a little concerned after hanging up that I should have given her the opportunity to speak her mind. But then again that could lead to R talk which would probably not be good.
Anyway, she'll be coming back today. I would really like for her to contact me and want to go out to eat or something tonight, but I'll just see how it goes. Plus I want to see the kids. I guess nothing to do but see how it goes. Write more later.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I feel really good today. Let me give you a quick recap of all of my pursuing behaviors.
My wife got home yesterday afternoon. She was dog tired. I went over to bring the kids their easter presents and see if my S-D wanted to walk the dog with me. My wife went also. We made some uncomfortable small talk, skirting around the R. Anyway, at one point: She said "You're mad at me aren't you?" I said "No.", and laughed She said something about hating her I took her arms and looked at her and said "I'm not mad at you and I don't hate you" She then said something about not loving. After that I reached out my hand to see if she'd hold it and obviously she didn't. I must have had a little frustration on my face because she said "I give up. I was just trying to be nice"
So I said "Let's sit down." and then I proceeded to say "This isn't easy for me either. I don't know what you want from me. I'm okay with being friends, but as friends you can't keep trying to figure out where I'm at with us. It's not fair to me."
Then as we walked she said she cared about me very much and got all teary about it. She also said, but that wasn't enough. I told her it was enough (of course invalidating her feelings).
I told her I was okay with whatever. That my head and heart were in a good place and I would be okay whatever happened. She wondered why and I said because I feel I've made changes to me that make me happy. I wasn't a good person and I've been working to be better. I said I hoped someday I'd find someone that would see the good in me.
She said "so am I". And I said "what? happy with your head and heart?" and she said "No, wishing someday someone sees the good in me"
That took me back a step. I felt like crap. I said "Listen. You already have someone that sees the good in you. Me. I'm sorry if by my attitude and words that I made you feel unimportant and less than you are. I regret that I didn't let you know how special you are." She cried to that. Then she hugged me and we said see you later.
She came by later to drop off some suitcases. I gave her the scrapbook stuff. Then she gave me a quick hug and off she went.
Anyway, more R talk. This morning I woke up and really felt like I had dropped the rope. I didn't care what impact the day before might have had. I don't care if it's a setback or not. The words needed speaking. I also felt that she is holding my past faults against me...understandable...but that it would stand in the way of getting back together. Maybe wrongly, I sent a note that reconfirmed I'm sorry, but also talked about selling the house in the spring (which is now) so we can each get a place. I said I realize that words are cheap, but I was sorry, I've changed, but I understand that we probably won't be man and wife anymore. I haven't seen a reply. Nor do I expect one. It wasn't a cruel note or anything. I just wanted to clear the air some. I really feel today that I'm good either way. When I think about never being man and wife again (in the usual sense) I don't get palpatations.
Well, that's all. Let me know what you think.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
OK, so you made a few clangers but she was pushing you to - she's interested in you but terrified that you will do whatever drove her away in the first place.
She WANTS you to compliment her and tell her you love her but at the same time, it terrifies her.
I am a woman myself and I know hinting when I see it.
Another common reason for this type of behaviour is ownership, you were HER H so she's checking up on you to see if you are still HER H.
I remember my H asking if I had a bf when I first started DB'ing (first night I'd ever DB'ed and he asked if I had a bf!) and he also asked if I still found him attractive and kept trying to hold my hand. Of course, at that point he'd have run a mile if I'd suggested he was interested in me, it was pure OWNERSHIP ('I can't recognise this new person, she WAS mine, is she still mine? I want to brand her as mine!').
Slightly unfair of the WAS but quite predictable, esp. when they think they are so close to losing you.
I think if you carry on showing her what a positive new person you are and that you still find her interesting to talk to, you might have a good chance there.
I like your comments. They are quite positive. I hope this is a step in the right direction, but I do agree with the ownership thing. It always seems like "just checking" and then back to her hidey hole.
I believe that she does need time to get used to the idea that the negative things are gone. She said before "we've been there, done that." about the marriage and then said "what would be different". So she is questioning whether it will be more of the same. I just have to be myself...the new better me...and if that doesn't attract her to me then I guess that's the way it will have to be.
Anyway, just a little followup. I talked to my wife about a story we've both been following. She did say "thanks for the e-mail. It was touching." So I guess it wasn't too terrible. Well better get back to work. I need to get done with this stuff then check up on some threads.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thursday my wife asked if I wanted to go to parent teacher conference with her. I said I did. The kids were doing pretty good. I had a nice time with them, but felt uncomfortable, like the teacher was thinking what's this guy doing here. I've went before but I think the teacher knows we're separated. I told my W I was uncomfortable because of it, but she was encouraging so that's good.
We then went to dinner. Pretty nice time, just talked and hung out with the kids. At one point I said we gotta bust it and she asked what's the hurry. I said because her son wanted to get back to his game before bedtime. No pressure evening. She didn't bring up my e-mail again.
Friday I had to fly out so saw nothing of her until later. She left a message asking if I wanted to use the van to go out of town to yet another swim meet. It was nice of her to ask and I called and left a message saying I didn't need it but thanks for asking. It happened that I saw her right before leaving town. She was friendly.
Wasn't sure what to do when I got to Wyoming. I guess no pursuing so I didn't call. I did write a quick e-mail to say we got here. She wrote back and told me a little about her day. So I wasn't dark. I did return her e-mail to tell her how the boys swam.
Well that's it for journaling. I'm still in the good place. Just going with the flow and hoping things turn out for the best.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I picked the rope back up and feel not as well today. Okay, my own fault for getting nosey and also pursuing. I called a couple times yesterday just for the heck of it. Mainly from sleepiness and boredom as I drove.
She had went out the night before...apparently with her sister to hear some band. She danced and danced...according to her. The thought has got me all jealous. I'm sitting here trying to tell myself what does it matter. The thinking part of me actually says it doesn't really matter. She needs to come after me anyway...not visa-versa.
Actually yesterday and today I've spent a fair amount of time asking myself what would be different should she come back. I haven't even had a chance yet to see if we could work out the problems that led us to this point. I know I feel better about myself and how I think I would handle myself, but that doesn't mean that she won't be unreasonable and unwilling to give me a fair shake. Besides should I really trust someone that would walk away so easily?
But the rope is picked back up. I'm back to wondering what's in her head and heart. I think I know the answer because she hardly ever initiates contact. I think I need to really quit with any form of pursuing. I just wonder where my excellent willpower went.
Anyway, that's all. Nothing new to post. I did notice that of all my mail that my wife brought in the house the only piece she opened was MY cell phone bill. Guess she's curious.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I picked the rope back up and feel not as well today. Okay, my own fault for getting nosey and also pursuing. I called a couple times yesterday just for the heck of it. Mainly from sleepiness and boredom as I drove.
She had went out the night before...apparently with her sister to hear some band. She danced and danced...according to her. The thought has got me all jealous. I'm sitting here trying to tell myself what does it matter. The thinking part of me actually says it doesn't really matter. She needs to come after me anyway...not visa-versa.
Actually yesterday and today I've spent a fair amount of time asking myself what would be different should she come back. I haven't even had a chance yet to see if we could work out the problems that led us to this point. I know I feel better about myself and how I think I would handle myself, but that doesn't mean that she won't be unreasonable and unwilling to give me a fair shake. Besides should I really trust someone that would walk away so easily?
But the rope is picked back up. I'm back to wondering what's in her head and heart. I think I know the answer because she hardly ever initiates contact. I think I need to really quit with any form of pursuing. I just wonder where my excellent willpower went.
Anyway, that's all. Nothing new to post. I did notice that of all my mail that my wife brought in the house the only piece she opened was MY cell phone bill. Guess she's curious.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
