Quote: I'm very resolved now. I am going to be the best friend she could imagine, but that's all. No pressure if possible. I will go through with the sale of the house and the divorce if that's what it takes. It's not like divorce is the end all.
From what I read, here and elsewhere, friendship has to come first after a split, S or D, if you will get back together. FWIW.
It does sound like you have good reason for hope, especially if you're already on friendly terms. Keep on keepin' on!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I'm going back to the beginning of when things were good and got ugly. Try to figure out what worked or didn't and get some insight/help in turning things around for me.
Good: One week after wife moved out....started talking about being confused, considering just a two month break, "not exactly separated", "I'm thinking things about you I shouldn't be...maybe I'm just horny", etc. -this was preceded by me helping her with the move -still interacting friendly (but not physically) with her/ -starting some of GAL -appearing happy -having family night out....together with all of us
Things worse: Suggesting strongly getting a divorce, trying to work through details of divorce, interacting less. She was less friendly. Preceded by: -too physical or suggesting physical stuff -too much effort at GAL...too many changes to house -FF -Very little interaction, especially after a more emotionally charged interaction. -Forcing her to tell me her feelings -Reading my thread and getting the sense I'm "hanging on to slim hope" and it's just hurting me.
So my feelings what to do: 1) Show through action only that I love her (no forcing any kind of R talk) 2) Avoid letting her know I'm holding out hope...I just want to be around her as her friend 3) Not too much distance....no humungous changes (or did that help???) Get her opinion on big things??? 4) Previously had good interactions at informal "dates"...ie spur of the moment dinner or brunch. No advance planning of dates...or formally asking out. 5) Joking around even about touchy subjects seems to go over pretty well.
HOPE
Journaling: Nothing new. Wife is off to parents for Easter. Gave me a hug before leaving. I asked her to call to let me know they all arrived okay. No word since (but they aren't there yet...so we'll see).
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
The thing that leaps out at me in your list is FF. That's the kind of GAL item that might set W's crazymaker in action. I don't know the details of how things turned bad, but I think the presence of FF and W's imagination made for a bad turn in your sitch.
It's that patience thing again. Keep the faith!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Hi Hope - just wanted to let you know that I found your thread. I hope you find enough patience to get you through this. You're getting really good advice and being her friend is key. Big Mouth suggested an excellent approach for how to act with her.
Hi Hope, Take it from someone who doesn't seem to make any progress, do your best follow the counsel you read here and from michelle have high hope and low expectations and get ready to move on. That's what I 'm doing today not that I want to. God Bless
I think it's great that you're looking at what was working and what seemed to put the brakes on. I agree that FF was probably a big factor and also the house stuff. Your w said herself that your actions were suggesting to her that you had given up on the M, right?
Maybe her point was something like this...you're doing a great job validating with WORDS that you're ok with her taking time, finding out what she wants, etc, but you're actions are saying "hey, look at me, I'm moving on!". DB suggests non-pursuit which makes absolute sense...but I don't think it necessarily suggests pulling away hard...particularly right off the bat (yes, I know, it FEELS like a LONG time since you've been DB'ing so perhaps "right off the bat" isn't fair but perhaps more time would have been suggested?). Sometimes I think that "standing still" or "doing nothing" isn't given enough credit..I don't mean not doing ANYTHING with your life, because that doesn't make sense, but I do mean, work on yourself, hone some new interests, work on fixing the stuff that bugged wife about you and the M, but don't pull away from her.
Know what I mean?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
And thanks for stopping by the old thread under that previous name (PD) to wish me well. I appreciate it. It seems like forever ago that you would visit the old me and give great advice that I kept chucking out the window with my impatience. Actually it's amazing how much better I feel about myself and my situation from several months ago when my wife dropped the bomb about OP and ILYBNILWY and I had the terrible sense of desperation. Of course back then I thought this was a sprint...and as BM says...it's more a marathon. I'm sure everyone posting on this thread can attest to that.
Somewhere along the line of DBing I did as Sage suggested and got the cart before the horse or behind the horse or beside the horse...or whatever. The point being, I didn't look or listen for signs and I failed to stop doing the things that were moving me away from the goals. Anyway, now I'm focused.
Nothing much new to report. My wife did call this am to say they arrived safely. It was nice talking with her. I've got some organizing/home plans this weekend that I think will pretty much carry me through the weekend. Anyone know anything about scrapbooking? I want to start cateloging memories. I'll start with one son I think. I did pick up a second scrapbook for my wife while I was there, but I suppose I better wait for a real occasion to give it. I thought it would be fun to do the project together.
Anyway, that's all I know. In case I post no more or don't return for awhile I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter.
La_esperanza (HOPE)
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: you're doing a great job validating with WORDS that you're ok with her taking time, finding out what she wants, etc, but you're actions are saying "hey, look at me, I'm moving on!". DB suggests non-pursuit which makes absolute sense...but I don't think it necessarily suggests pulling away hard...particularly right off the bat (yes, I know, it FEELS like a LONG time since you've been DB'ing so perhaps "right off the bat" isn't fair but perhaps more time would have been suggested?). Sometimes I think that "standing still" or "doing nothing" isn't given enough credit
You are 100% correct in everything you said Sage. That is exactly what happened. I was a little too anxious to show physical proof of moving on as a wake up or something. That was interspersed with working on myself. I've done a ton of that...and I like it. Unfortunately I think you are right that I should have stood in place on the other things. She would be more likely to notice the changes in me if she didn't have to pay attention to the most glaringly obvious changes elsewhere. It was interesting that when she talked about how I was moving on that she also listed "took off my wedding ring" and "got your own bank accounts" among the list of moving on things. Things she did also (guess I was supposed to leave that stuff the same). I guess she noticed when I put the ring back on and when I took the ring back off. She was paying attention.
I think part of the problem was I was too withdrawn emotionally from her during part of this. I didn't intend to be but I was rebuffed so many times that I backed too far away.
But have no fear. I have a pretty good feel for our R now and as Geneva points out I have to be patient. And as you point out...standing in place is okay. So that's my primary plan...be a friendly person with a life who isn't making it too outwardly obvious that he's moving on (or making too obvious I'm holding on either). Tough line to walk. Thanks again for the input.
La_esperanza (HOPE)
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
