If I had thought that my marriage was savable, I would not have signed up in Surviving. We come here because we've faced our demons - the inevitable.
We vent about our Exes/STBX's here. We're allowed to do that. We do that so we can face the world without venting to them - because they usually don't deserve our attention, our thoughts, etc. All we're doing is venting. We're allowed that here. We're not in piecing, we're not in D'd But Not Done, we're not anywhere but surviving. We don't like what our exes or STBX's have done, are doing, and we say so. That's our perogative here in surviving.
As far as flirting goes, I'm not much of a flirt. But if someone else does, it's their right. After all, they were LEFT by their spouse. It's harmless too. It gives those of us here a feeling of being a living, breathing human maybe. It lightens us up. I like reading the flirtatious posts. I know they don't mean any harm, they do too. If anyone takes offense at that, they should not be reading the survivors threads.
Lighten up already. We've already had enough drama.
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It's so easy to play judge yet there is only one judge who is right and perfect. Take a good look at yourself Jim and be honest. Unless your perfect, please don't judge your W. Accept her for who she is, where she is, what she says and what she does. Accept her, support her, agree with her, love her (check out 1 Corintians:13). You are not perfect, you are not without sin, you are not the chosen one. But you have been given the opportunity to serve, to make someone elses life better. Lay down your ego, your pride, your neediness. SERVE AND SUPPORT YOUR WIFE! If you can't handle that, or can't live with her the way she is right now, then take the easy out. Finish the D and move on to the next struggle.
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Ya know COG, if you want to be door mat to someone who lies to you, cheats on you, disrespects you, is slovenly, etc. I say "go for it". The rest of us think we deserve better. And FYI, most of the time D is not the answer, but occasionally it is forced upon us. What about making our lives and our children's lives better? Staying in an abusive R is not reasonable. Or do you think we should just turn the other cheek?
I missed COG saying "Take the easy way out, finish the D".
That is the hardest way out. That is when we give them the ultimatum and stick to it. That is when we tell them to either straighten up or get out. In my life, it's the day I let my children know that what their father was doing was unacceptable. I had to do that for everyone's sanity. Yet, even though I did that, I still left the door open for H to come to his senses. I didn't move to surviving until later, when H wanted his girlfriend, and his family and was using everyone involved. It's the hardest thing we've ever done. If you think that's easy, you have absolutely no idea what all of us here have been through. And in the same vein, you have no right to pass judgment on us.
Happy, I've had two very horrible experiences in my life. One was watching my son die of leukemia at age 7 and the other was my D after 23 yrs of marriage. It was not easy, but it was necessary to preserve my sanity. Sometimes, it's the bravest thing you can do. I didn't think I wanted to live after either of these events.
The best part....I'm proud of me and my family, friends and daughter are too!!!!
Quote: it's the bravest thing you can do. I didn't think I wanted to live after either of these events
Queenie,
It took everything I had in me to tell H he could either stay with his family or go to his girlfriend. It would have been easier to have pretended the problem didn't exist.
My son was 7 when the doctors told me he wouldn't live. Some, like me, are lucky. I am so sorry about your baby. To have had that loss, and then lose your family, well, I can't even imagine.
But those who know you know that you did the right thing. So do you. I know I did the right thing too Quo.
For anyone following this....Jim has called me a couple of times tonight and all is "not" well with he and W at the moment. He will update us when he returns late tomorrow night.
Ya'll think this is a great debate? Har! And all the details and opinions - I love it! This ain't nothin guys. Wait, I take that back. This is a HUGE growth experience for anyone who would choose to grow.
COG - I think it's always important to speak up when you see something, especially when you stir things up. That's incredibly important here! That helps spark more good DB/DR stuff and keeps us from deteriorating into some kumbaya you're ok/I'm ok pansy circle. If that's true, none of us would have ever come here because everything would be perfect. I have a long history of doing just that. Not just here but in real life. It used to really get my stomach bunched up. Fact is, people who actually care do that. And I have been soundly cussed. But if you're doing it with good intent...you gain respect because people know you're a straight shooter. I believe you have a very good intent .
quo - I can't tell you how much you sound like me over the years. It's not a bad thing. I think you're heart's in the right place. I like how you try to direct things back to the original flow.
Something that caught my eye: something about how things aren't looking good for Jim at the moment. All I have to say on that is - SO WHAT!?!?! That's why we have to take our hearts out of this and do what works and what's right - regardless of the whims and ups and downs. That's life kiddies. In a couple of days it could be up again and there's all that energy lost for no good reason.
Some of you (not just here on this thread) - I would LOVE to see you try to hang with my life just this last year and a half. Really. Actually I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I know that I have it easy compared to many others. It's like not exercising and complaining about your gut as you chow on another piece of cake. I say that since I've recently been really embracing pilates...not as young as I was and I'm getting a gut. Would like to not have it when the time's right with Beau .
But I digress. If you went to the hospital because you almost cut your hand off, would you want the doctors and nurses to come around and comiserate on how much pain you're in and nuzzle you and quibble with each other over what shade of blood you're spurting or do you want them to do whatever it takes to reattach what's off and make it as good as new as they can - and as soon as possible! - that folks, is SBT (Solution Based Therapy) in a nutshell.
The other thing is people saying what forum is what. I chose to post in hopefulness when no one else would and everything in my life was not hopeful in the least. Fact is, Michele and her administrators are the only ones here who make rules and if ya'll haven't noticed - she doesn't jump in much. Honestly, half of us are here in our pjs drinking a rolling rock (if we're smart). This is not real life. This is one of the things we do in the meantime.
It's really important for us to not get caught up in details that ultimately aren't important. Do we care if there are even curtains, much less what color they are if there's a fire on the coffee table? Don't explain - don't defend.
I am quite happy to stay away from this website and live this great life God gave me. In fact, if I hadn't promised Jim I'd come and keep checking in at the moment I'd certainly be doing that . I'm at that part of the tunnel where there's lots of light and despite some really difficult circumstances - LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL and I'm happy and my worst day is a thousand times better than my best one when I first came here. And I truly want anyone who is willing to do what it takes to have that as well - whatever their circumstances or outcomes. Really.
So - as I said in the first post here. Here is my opinion. Take it or leave it. It's just one person's opinion.
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I think you're heart's in the right place. I like how you try to direct things back to the original flow. 
. I'm at that part of the tunnel where there's lots of light and despite some really difficult circumstances - LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL and I'm happy and my worst day is a thousand times better than my best one when I first came here. And I truly want anyone who is willing to do what it takes to have that as well - whatever their circumstances or outcomes. Really.