Thanks, Tja, Jilly Beth, Cog, Jrb, Spit, steve, and Libra. Pheww did I leave anyone out?
Well I dont know whats going on with the court and neither do they it seems. I guess one of two things is gonna happen., either Im gonna get re-served with the new and improved papers or they are not gonna set date and let it expire maybe? Or her attorney still could file a motion to dismiss . Who knows?
I was gonna attempt to discuss this with stbx last night after soccer practice. While I watched my S at practice her and soccer dad played at the playground with thier kids and talked I guess. Then when we left she mentioned that they were gonna go to mickey d's playland and that they could drop me off on the way if I didnt want to go. We ended up stopping at her house for a potty break as it was on the way. She was told that she was supposed to cut her grass that day and said she would give me half of the twenty I gave her the other day if I would do it. I said "you can get me to do it for free, heh, heh". She said " thats true". So I went next door and borrowed a lawn mower. She came out and said they were gonna go and that they would only be gone a half hour. I guess I didnt think of the time cuz I was still planning on going but it was late I guess so I said ok. I cut the grass and then grabbed a bite to eat while I waited. After about 40 minutes I left cuz I had locked myself out. I drove to where they were and sat and smoked a bit. After 10 more minutes I finally left and went to a friends house. i have no idea what time they got home. The next morning on my way to work she called and said she wanted to apoligise becuase she felt that that had been rude. I said " well I agree and it really hurt my feelings too. But I thanked her for calling and said I appreciated it. Then she had to run to get the kids off to school. I called her later and left a message to call when it was conveniant for her which she did. I again thanked her for her courtesy in calling me and said "I know it hard for you to talk about things so I reall do appreciate when you do those things. I just wanted you to understand I wasnt trying to be rude but i just wanted to make sure you understood what i meant by what I said. She said she understood and thanked me. i told her "I think that you and me are a lot more alike then you might think and that one of those things is talking about our feelings. Its still a little hard and uncomfortable for me but I push my self becuase I know I have to". I also said that I would really like to have a talk with her sometime and that she could even call me if she wanted to. She asked if I was working both jobs tonight and I said "yes". I really dont think she will call as she dosnt like talking serious over the phone at all.
Well thats about it for now. The drama continues. Thank you all again for stopping in and I hope all is well with you!
Rest in the good hands of Jesus. Your M is in turmoil no doubt. That is the perfect place to find God. Try to stand back like an disinterested third party and see how God is working here. You have to look though, His works just may not jump out at you.
I find it very interesting how your D just keeps getting put off. I wonder why? Is it just chance, or is a higher power at work here.
I suggest you keep on going with the flow. Don't sweat it if she does'nt invite you to Mickey D's, or if she's late. Contrary to what someone else advised you, try to keep your feelings out of this. Try to think logically, not emotionally. Don't let on about your hurt feelings, it's not very attractive. You had better things to do anyway, right? You have a life. A little intrigue will be attractive to her.
This is not all about YOU Jim! Your W has to learn a few things and regain some of the power in positive ways. She gained control in a negative way with the D. Allow her power over her life and your R. Like the soccer dad. Let that be. Stay calm and reserved. Soccer season will be over soon and you won't have to deal with it anymore. Trust her. If she burns you, then deal with that when and if it happens. Until then, let go of the fear and anxiety, walk with courage, trust, and faith. Smile more, laugh more, and be you.
It may take a few more YEARS to fix your R. So what? My W and I just celebrated 3 years of separation, but we also celebrated the beautiful friendship that we've made over the 3 years. She calls us best friends. Two years ago we were barely "just friends". It's baby steps brother, one day at a time. I'm glad I've stuck it out this long. I'm a much better man because of it.
It may be the 4th quarter, but there's still more time on the clock. Run the right plays, you win, run the wrong ones, you loose.
Trust your coach, JC!
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Ok James - here's the ground rules and I know you've gotten to know me enough to know it's not ego - just facts so there's no BS to get in the way.
When I get to know enough about someone's sitch I tend to do a stream of conciousness thing and it's one of those - if it works take it and if it doesn't leave it things. It's just one person's opinion right?
Ok - so here goes.
You two have always thrived on drama. You're a late bloomer. She's substantially younger. She may be a late bloomer too. What's it worth to you?
Don't say anything is bad DB. Bad DB is just continuing to do that which does not work. Period. That's it. DB WORKS! What the seasoned among us learned is the real question is - is it really worth it to us? Well James - is it?
I think you are totally doing the right thing - your instincts are very very good! But I would also see what happens tomorrow (tomorrow right?) and then - dependent on what happens - get you an attorney! STAT! You can explain to her that you are still where you are but that you realize your need to protect yourself legally since she can't get her atty to respect her wishes. I understand that may be a basic tennant on your DBing stragegy, and it may serve you well. But - I'll also say that I've been learning that atty's here are just basically our own amplified voices. Almost makes me want to get a degree of my own! Sometimes I think my atty is working for the opposition. And I'M the woman/mother/abandoned one.
Remember - Love is love and DB is DB. And you have GOT keep them separated! If it's meant and it's real - then anything you do isn't going to matter. And if it's not, nothing will.
I don't know what Michigan law is so I can't say if that stuff sounds fishy or not. I am still learning what Indiana law is and man - I for one say, let's get rid of the no-fault divorce! Cause there are things I just thought were that I've learned aren't. And according to Beau, I've got a cakewalk.
A thought - do you think your wife is DBing you unawares? Playing to the old you? So this og she's developing a R with (and yes, she is) is maybe something she's using to draw you back? Think like you WERE here. It's hard, I know, but do it.
I'll tell you from extreme experience: If you're done you're just done. And you do everything in your power to make sure EVERYONE knows that. If you're not, you make sure there's always a ball in play.
Or is she one of those who doesn't want to be alone at all costs type? You know. But with all the time invested with you - she loves you man. You know it. She knows it. Everyone knows it. The real question is - is she willing to grow and become the woman you need? Is she ready to settle down yet? Cause I think she settled down before she was ready. Yeah, us chicks are guilty of that too.
I'd go for the first scenerio myself. I think she really loves you. But that she's really still stuck where she was. Which kindof plays in with what I was saying in the second. Please keep remembering what that was like and think about weather that's what you want out of life or if it's worth waiting a little longer.
I can't tell you where to go there. It's all different. I guess I can only say to err on the side of caution. As you know, I still remember why I married that guy. But I also know why it's imparative that I never have anything to do with him again. Ever. And that's after 25 years...and I'm only 37...And that math doesn't add up to show that I was younger than that when I decided he was "the one".
So I guess I summarize - You're older and more advanced than I am. What is your gut telling you? Honestly? You have absolutely nothing to lose here. You can even always decide to change your stance.
I'll tell you what I think. I think she still loves you. But that you'd better play this smart or lose big. You can do that. Don't let her bully you. Be the MAN. You can still make it after the D. Just you may find that it's not in your best interest. Or maybe it is. For yours and the kids sake - what's it worth?
You are a big hit amongst the ladies who know from experience what a real cad is. But you also have guy friends here. That says a lot for you. Plus, you're my friend and I'm the hybrid girl/guy type . I guess what I'm saying is - don't stop growing. But understand that you have some serious worth to you. Don't sell out to the lowest bidder.
I'll keep praying for you and your situation. Keep going. I've been really learning that God does have good plans for us that love Him - even in these messy situaitions. He knows it all. Take care and many Godly wishes for tomorrow. I'll keep checking in when I can for now cause I really want to know how things are for you.
Im at my second job so I need to make this quick. One question which has been coming up consistently has been, "is it worth it"?
I would have to say yes. First, to be able to keep my family intact and second becuase if I could bring my M back to the point were it was good again and in some case's even bettor it would all be worth it.
No it will not be easy no matter what. And yes the idea of trying and failing again is scary. But I believe I have to try.The best of my M is worth it and I believe so is my W. I have been in other R's that have failed and have learned little. But this is different. I am tired of allowing things to happen to me. From now on I my must try to make things happen. I just cant sit by and watch my M drift away. And I beleive that I also have good reasons not to want to.
I am not perfect (news flash), and niether is my W. But there is enough good in us both and our R that somebody has to make a stand and try to DO SOMETHING!
I hope you can understand. Gotta run. But I thank you all again for your time and input. Gonna try and respond to some posts tonight when I get home. Some interesting comments have been made and thoughts provoked. It will be late as I work till midnight tonight.
Seeing I don't know your wife, and really only worrying about your feelings, I gave the advice that I did. If you feel this strongly than go for it. You're a smart guy and you love her, hopefully she will realize that she can never do better than that.
You are so right. We owe our children a family. When the time comes for people to give up they know it. Something just clicks. I know that you feel that there is still something there to salvage.
When you need to talk, you have so many good friends here that are more than happy to listen. Ask and you shall receive! Hey I'm never doing anything.
We would love nothing better than to see someone (especially someone as cool as you) have a happy ending!
We love you man..............
Bethie
Pssssst keep this on the QT, Please don't leave me alone with qoe!
Cog; I must admit my faith is still not strong. I have been as far from that as you can go for a great part of my life. I try not to see Gods hand in everything becuase I worry about creating my own reality, yah know? However I must also admit that some things that have happened in my life have made me finally stop and wonder and that is why I am where I am today. I have to know now and that is why I will continue to seek as long as I must.
"I suggest you keep on going with the flow. Don't sweat it if she does'nt invite you to Mickey D's, or if she's late. Contrary to what someone else advised you, try to keep your feelings out of this. Try to think logically, not emotionally. Don't let on about your hurt feelings, it's not very attractive. You had better things to do anyway, right? You have a life. A little intrigue will be attractive to her."
Perhaps so, but knowing and doing are two different things. Im not making excuses just being honest. And the fact that she seems more interested in spending time with Mr.SD more then me do's hurt. I want to be the one she feels playfull with. I didnt tell her this of course but its there.
"This is not all about YOU Jim! Your W has to learn a few things and regain some of the power in positive ways. She gained control in a negative way with the D. Allow her power over her life and your R."
Well now here is where I must disagree somewhat. Obviously this IS about me, partially and only to a point of course. I helped to create this situation so it will always be about me to an extant. We all have our parts to play in our own personal drama. However I must agree that right now it is all about her. Im sure she is having fun. Right now its all about freedom. The freedom to do what you want and see who you want with nobody to answer to. So as I see it she allready has complete power over her life. And just becuase the season has ended dosnt mean the season ends, yah know?
Yes you are right. I know in my heart that it will take some years to fix this if it can be done. And yes somehow I must become the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, loving, funny , witty, confident, supportive, understanding, and dependable man that I can. Boy did I miss anything? But Im willing to try. And I hope I manage. But at the same time I have to find a way to to lift my W up and bring her to the same understanding that I think I have. And I think that is my biggest problem. So this is going to be an incredible challenge. But I need to try. I cant walk away and just give up.
I know that we can all "move on" with our lives and eventually find someone else to share it with. I have no doubt. It just means we have managed to cope and perhaps have learned something along the way. I guess what I am trying to say is I wish I had been a lot bettor and a lot smarter before. It dosnt mean we always win. Its just that I would like the odds stacked more in our favor. For all of us, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Amen
Phoe; Thank you for now. Its gotta be nighty nite for me. Will get back to U soonest. (((((( hugs))))))
Quote: Yes you are right. I know in my heart that it will take some years to fix this if it can be done. And yes somehow I must become the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, loving, funny , witty, confident, supportive, understanding, and dependable man that I can. Boy did I miss anything?
Yes, you missed "sexy"!!! Just kidding. You really are most of the things you mentioned above.
Your W is a very lucky woman. Hope she figures that out soon. Good luck, JamesLuscious!!!!
I know how difficult it is to ignore your feelings. There were hundreds of times when I wanted to tell my W how much it hurt. I did tell her many times, but through DBing I learned to hold back, paint a smile on my face and act like I was good with everything. My experience has been that the DBing worked far better than the whining. It's not easy to swallow your pride, let go of emotional needs, and wait in confidence. It's dam difficult, but the rewards are wonderful. Number one sin on the list of the seven deadly sins is pride. Not murder or rape or stealing, but pride.
My R started improving when I realized I was the one that needed fixing, so I stopped trying to fix her. When I finally stopped, admitted my imperfection, accepted her as she is, for who she is, and where she is right now did things start to improve. I asked forgiveness a hundred times for the things she said I did to hurt her. Even if I did'nt agree with her, I stopped defending myself, just let go and agreed to accept the reality that it hurt her.
Unfortunately, your reality is that she would rather socialize with Mr. SD at the soccer game than you. I'm sorry you have to face that, I know it hurts. I've been there. My W has a lot of male friends, single and married. For a long time she did'nt want to stand or sit by me at our kids events. She usually did it anyway, but she was'nt comfortable. She would rather have sat with just about anyone but me. Guess what? Now she likes sitting by me and she even saves a seat for me. We have nice convo's just like two good friends would. The pressure is off. She knows I won't judge her on ANYTHING!
It's not a job for the meek Jim. To lay down one's life for a friend. Your W needs you. She's struggling, probably more than you are. She is a beautiful radiant woman that needs a strong man. When you are blessed to be with her then support her, adore her, respect her, serve her, get to know her. Ask her what she likes and does'nt like. Don't judge her, correct her, critisize or argue with her even if it means agreeing for D. Then, when you get the chance, take good care of YOU.
I took that chance with my W. I gave until it hurt and nothing came back for a very long time but it's coming back in buckets now. It came on very gradually over two years. She is starting to give back the respect, adoration, and support that I have been showering her with for 18 months now.
That does'nt mean I have'nt taken care of ME. I've gone on trips by myself, spend my single time with joy, and I bought a motorcycle. I did 180's on things like saying ILY, your beautiful, physical touching, etc. but then reached a point that it was right to do a 180 on the 180's. It's like a game. Now we hug and feel and touch each other comfortably. We comfortably lock eyes and tell each other how much we love, and appreciate each other. Two years ago we struggled to even make eye contact.
One thing is for sure. People change, and feelings change. If your W fell out of love, what's to say she won't fall back IL. You've done great so far and I admire your will to see things through. You're a good man.
When Jesus was betrayed and executed he did'nt whine, and beg for mercy, he prayed for his executioners. He did'nt try to change who they were, but he accepted and forgave them. Keep carrying your cross with dignity and courage. Don't condemn, forgive. Let go of your worldly needs, they will only weigh you down. Have faith that God loves you, and has a purpose and a reason for your struggle.
God Bless You,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
. I guess what I'm saying is - don't stop growing. But understand that you have some serious worth to you. Don't sell out to the lowest bidder. 
Pssssst keep this on the QT, Please don't leave me alone with qoe!