Hey Geneva! thankx for stopping by and yes I hope we can all get together again sometime. Mancys was awsome!
Well Jilly you allready know whats going on and I just wanted to say thank you for being there. Now your gonna have to add "heart of gold" to your allready long list of good qualitys. You are such a treasure and your X is the biggest idiot I'v never met.Thank you, thank you ,thank you! And I'll eat pizza with you at two a.m. anytime!
In case anybody is interested after missing yet another chance to talk I finally caught up with STBX tuesday night after my sons soccer practice. After we got the kids to bed we finally had our talk. I told her about not being able to accept the change in the decree about custody. She claimed to be unaware that it had been changed. I told her that I had no choice in the matter but to hire an attorney and go to court to fight this. I said that I had never wanted to be in this position and that I had always thought that we would be able to iron this out ourselves. She agreed that the custody change wasnt fair and that she would contact her lawyer and have that changed. I also brought up our difficulty's in communicating and she agreed that that was harder for her to do then me. I told her the reason I never brought up our sitch during the early times of our seperation was becuase I felt she needed the time to relax and lose some of her anger towards me. I also said that I knew if I tried to hard to approach her about it she would probably just resist and I would push her farther away. I also said that I knew that I could never look myself in the mirror and know that I had done my best for my marriage becuase it wasnt true. She agreed that that was true for her also and that she should have done bettor a long time ago and not clammed up so much. I also told her that I had hoped that over time that we would be able to start over again and begin a new R by taking the best of what we had and leaving the rest behind. She said that she felt that we needed to start from square one, from being friends again. I agreed but she said yes but you would like to do it without the divorce. I said yes. Boy there was a lot of other things too but Im having a hard time remembering it all. I remember now she said something about not being sure if we could live together.She also brought up a couple of very painful moments for her that I was stupidly ignorant of and I apoligised. And that I said something about wanting to keep doing what we are doing and going slow, that I wasnt interested in moving back in becuase I believed that that wouldnt work right now. Boy I wish I had one of those photographic memory's. Anyway at the end of the conversation I asked her if she would/could/ had? at least consider the possibility of postponing the D.Not canceling but just postponing. Sorry I dont remember exactly. She said yes. So she said she is going to try and contact her attorney the next day and talk to him. I asked her to call me when she did.
I work till 4 that afternoon. By three I hear nothing so I call her. She says I called him twice but he has not returned my calls. I said ok and I thanked her again for opening up to me and that I really appreciated it. She said something about we need to do it more often and I agreed. Just before I left from work she called and wanted to let me know before I did leave that she had still not heard anything from him. I thanked her for calling me and told her I appreciated it. Went to STBX's place after work and spent time with kids. Decided not to go to my last class of the semester and just hang for a bit. We had dinner and played a game together with the kids. I sat down and wrote out two questions for her on a sheet of paper.
1.What things or change's would he have to do to make you trust or feel safe around him again? 2.What things or changes would have to occur before you would consider being open to the idea of having feelings torwards your husband again?
I told her before I left that I would like her to look at it and whenever and if she might feel comfortable talking about that I would wait and she could let me know. I told her I was gonna take off and let her relax. I also made a comment about how I appreciated the fact that she shared that painful moment with me and that I knew she wasnt trying to hurt me she was just being honest with me and letting me know something I needed to hear. She made some comment about it figures the day I dont have to work late the next day you dont spend the night. I believe thats whats she said. I thought that was odd. I asked her just before I left if she was serious about talking to her SCUMSUCKING lawyer (sorry) about a postponing of the D and she said yes.
Ok now its thursday night. Im at work, of course, and I have heard nothing from her. So I call and talk to her that night. I told her I just wanted to say hi and ask about her day. I also said that I wanted to mention a couple of things becuase sometimes if I dont say them when I think of them I might forget and then they might go unsaid.I mentioned that she made this comment about me spending the night. I told her that I had talked to a few women and they explained the being home at night thing to me. That it was more a comfort thing for them and that it was the feeling of "somebody being" there for them. She said yes now you know why I let the kids sleep with me so much. I said that yes I understood and that if you ever want me to stay over becuase you think that I might be able to help with the kids or something that would be fine. Or if you just want me to stay becuase it would make you feel safer or whatever that would be fine to. I just want you to know that I have no expectations. You allready know that you have an incredible body and that you are the best lover that I have ever had and how much I enjoy satisfying you.
STBX; Likewise.
Sorry I need to get up in the morn and watch my kids. Please take care
On a slightly less then positive note it looks like I may have more competition for the affections of STBX. This guy at my sons soccer practice has been chatting up the wife since the end of last year. This year the trend has continued. His little D has taken to STBX and he just follows right along. A couple weeks ago they all went to Mickey D's after the thursday practice. My D asked me if I was gonna go with them next tuesday. Apparently they have made plans to go again. I said how its funny that this girls mom never comes to the practice and D said I think he said something to mommy about being D. Interesting that he still has a ring on. They had also talked about Cosi so maybe there is a trip being planned. Geez one small step forward and two big ones back. Life is funny, isnt it?
Wow! What a turn for the hopefull. To think she's willing to stop the D. That is a huge step. My W and I past through that decision about two years ago. I'm telling you that because it's been two years and we're still not living together. It seems like an eternity but we've built a wonderful friendship in the meantime and we keep inching closer to intimacy.
We both had to let go though, and I think you still need to let go. Like your W talking to the guy at soccer. I used to let that kind of stuff bother me too, and at our kids soccer games even. You've got to have a little more confidence in yourself and your W. She's not going to find anyone nicer or more loving than you. Now, I kind of chuckle when she's talking to another guy, even single guys, because I know I am much more mature, good looking, fun, friendly etc. etc. Also, my W lkes to socialize. We have to learn to accept that, and let them be the people they want to be. A lot of affairs start out as friendships, but that does'nt mean all friendships turn into affairs. Especially casual friendships. Go to dinner with them as your D asked, smile and be cordial. Your W will love you for it. Don't pry, or be selfish, just go there and enjoy the time with her and your kids. She'll notice the difference in you. Probably won't mention it, but she'll definately notice. Just like she's already noticed the changes in you. Otherwise, she would'nt be thinking about stopping the D.
Be brave, be strong, be humble.
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Jim, Thank you for all the sweet things you said about me. Geeze, if they weren't all true, I'd blush!!!
I agree with COG though, I do think you're overreacting to this guy at soccer and you need to stop. It is your insecurities that is making you feel that and it's not productive in any way. Also, you may want to back off a little about seeing her or talking to her every day. She may feel that your invading her space or trying to control her in some way. Stay calm and cool. And do go w/your family if they ask you and be super super nice to the guy. Make him think you're great and wonder wth's wrong with her that she'd let you go!!!
Geneva, Have a great weekend in Chicago with H. Come back and give us all the juicy details, OK? Can't wait to hang out with you again.
Thank you Geneva. Its so kind of you to think of me when you have your own problems to deal with. And I really appreciate your prayers. Hey I just thought of a name for our get together. The Geneva convention! Har! har! I slay me.
Cog; thanks again for your input. Yeah you mentioned changes and it jogged my memory about the big R talk that got this started. I remember now that at some point that came up and I asked her if she thought the changes were were real.
STBX; yes. Me; Am I more like the person you wanted me to be? STBX; yes
So I must be doing at least something right.
Your right though, I AM having a hard time letting go. And yes Jilly I am being insecure. I guess its just my reaction to the fact that I am in such a weak postion as far as the affections of STBX and that she is really beautiful. Yes affairs start with friendship and no not all friendships end in affairs. But the law of averages says that the more it happens the greater the chance that something might "click". And I realise that she is going to get plenty of chances. This is really tough for me. I have never been a jealous person, really. And now I am. And Im not sure how to handle it. Its not that Im anything special I just have never really experianced this feeling like this. I dont like it and it makes me feel like a very lesser person. I guess its just fear maybee?
Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Anyway today is friday. I went to watch the kids this morning cuz they had no school and SD wanted to go do something for a bit so when STBX asked me the other night I said sure. STBX came home for lunch (she works about 5 minutes from home now) and she vented a bit about work. I made her and the kids lunch and rubbed her back briefly while she ate. Before she left she gave us all a quick hug. When she left I followed her out to her car and asked her if she had heard from her attorney. She said no that he had not returned her calls. I mentioned the fact that we are running out of time and she said that if she has to she will not show up for the hearing becuase she "HAS" to be there. And if she do's not show up they will have to postpone.
Anyway STBX had a hard day at work. So before I went to work I asked D if there was a funny photo to give to mom. I told her that mom was having a hard day and that I wanted to give her something that would make her laugh.STBX made a comment about starting to PMS. When this Mommy PMS's its bad news. D picked out a good photo and after I left I dropped it off at STBX's work, with some papers she forgot to get signed.
Well Im off to watch my S play soccer and the pardon me while I hit on your W traveling road show. Praying for a lot of strength and confidence today niether of which I feel. Take care all! JIM
Hey James. Ahh, buddy, there is much hope for you and your W.
It sounds like you both are in the healing process. The friendship stage is awesome. Such a relief. Sure, you rather have it be more than that, but just let it happen.
I also agree with not letting things get to you, like the soccer practice stuff. When I stopped doing this, things sure improved. I wrote about how my W will still say things like,"yeah, being a single mother, I still need to...". It use to really bug me. But now I just totally let it go. My W and I are now like close friends by letting go, not analyzing, being happy and confident and not stressed out, etc.
Come on now, you got a lot of positives to build off of. Don't pressure her too much. Your W obviously still cares and loves you. Let her see your changes through your words and not actions.
So many on the board know what a great guy you are. Your W sees that also.
I agree with the statement about not moving right back in together. I wouldn't with my W now if she asked me. Yeah, like you said, here and there, but we're not ready. The healing still needs to continue and the love totally take off again. The bitterness and hurt from the past needs to be totally forgiven. I could see moving back at the end of summer of something if things worked out.
Cherish the close friendship you have now. Your W is saying and doing things for much hope.
Things are also financially tight with me. My W use to get on me, but now she sees how hard I'm working and trying to help them out financially when I can. A big baby step and part of the healing process. Instead of nagging me, she knows how hard I'm trying and that things will be great in time.
Hang in there. Don't rush it or pressure her too much about non-important things. Have COGs attitude of knowing he's better than any other guy. Thanks to DBing, I also know what she has in me and it helps. Your W also sees it in you. She just needs time.
PS - wish my wife did some of the fun talk that yours does.
