Hey James, I almost called you today to see how you were doing but I was going 90 mph on 131 at the time and I would've had to put my chicken nuggets down.....
I'm sorry she signed the papers. I know how hurt you must be. Beth is right in that the WAs do go through the motions of wanting to be our friends so they can convince themselves they're not the bad guy.
This was really mean of her IMHO!!! Maybe she doesn't know how she feels or what she wants, but she did know that she was hurting you by being with you the other night under the circumstances.
I agree at this point, you have nothing to lose so why not say what you have to say to her. You know me....I never would've been able to keep my mouth shut for as long as you did. You're a gem, Jim and somebody else will appreciate you for it.
OK, does this mean the Tarzan/Jane thing is still on?
Quote: I wonder if my STBX is just stringing me along. Sort of, I want to see whats out there but just in case and in the mean time Im gonna keep you in my back pocket in case things dont work out.
Duuuuhhhh! Of course she's stringing you along. Most of our spouses are stringing us along, but guess what, they just might string long enough to have a change of heart. If she was completely sure about what she was doing she would'nt be stringing you. It's an opportunity for you to show her the real, humble man you are.
Quote: If thats the case how do I change the balance of power.
You don't, God does! Letting go is a very powerful move.
Quote: Will I really be able to accept her back IF she is done experimenting and decide's to come back.
If your not sure about that question, then your probably better off with the D
Quote: But I wish I could help her to see. And I wish I could show her what I THINK I have learned from all of this reading and struggling through our own R together.
If your actually living this new knowledge that you claim you've found, she'll see and feel it. She does'nt want you telling her about it, she wants you showing her. I think you've started to. Don't quit. Be vulnerable and humble. Sacrifice your pride for her. Act it, and save your words.
Quote: Anyway there is still the possibility of an R talk this weekend so if it happens I have been thinking about what I want to say so here go's
How about something like this: Babe, I love you and I'm glad to see your life is becoming happier. I'm sorry for all the times I was'nt there for you and all the times I hurt you. I'm glad we have formed a better friendship and we are closer than we've been for a long time. I don't ever want to go back to our old M and I don't blame you for wanting a D. You've changed and grown so much and so have I. I feel good about myself and the progress I've made in ?????? I think I'll make someone a good H some day. I just want you to know your free to go. I forgive you and I understand why you have to go. I'm going to move on with my life too. I hope there might still be a chance for us, but I'm not going to pressure you anymore. I will always honor you as the mother of my kids and will always speak respectfully of you. Or something along those lines.
Never, ever give up on your dreams.
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I don't know. It seems as if by James saying all that that he is making all of the concessions. Maybe I'm just so jaded after all this time, that I get angry seeing the same scenario played out over and over.
I guess if that's what he wants, then it would be worth it. I was there once too, so I do understand.
The only problem with telling someone you forgive them is they may not feel like they have done anything wrong.
The best love affairs start as friends.Only you can decide if you want to continue to be her friend.You know if you are strong enough.It takes takes a lot of strength to keep giving without getting much or even nothing return.
But isn't that what love is about?
You dont have to be a doormat to give.
If your giving freely your not being a doormat.Because your giving is a gift.And gifts don't come with a pricetag.
When love comes with a pricetag it is protitution.
You know your own strength.
How much can you bare? We all have a limit.Where do you draw the line.
Is she worth fighting for.Or is it time to put up your boxing gloves and go home.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Heeeey Jim. Thanks for stopping by mine. As you know, when I first joined the board here way back, you were one of the first ones to help me. Yeah, W and I are like friends now since October, but part of it is because it's all about her. I know that's standard. She hasn't been treating me right. But, I know I've been great to her, her d and my baby son is the love of my life. So I can sleep well. Can't imagine going through all of this without DBers and this site.
I'm heading out the door. I'll read up on yours tonight or tomorrow and check in again. Hang in there and keep the faith.
Jilliscious, Cog, Bethapaloosa, Briget,Eyes, and of course Steve; Thank you all for stopping by. I am overwhelmed by your response's. It is so kind of you all to take some of your precious time to post a response on my thread and I am very greatful and humbled.
Yes I have been wondering lately if STBX is a bit of a taker. And Im not sure for how long I can keep this up. I intend to try for awhile longer becuase of my family and my prolonged yet waning affection for her. It do's seem that she wants to keep me around at least for a little anyway while she has the opportunity to "play the field" a bit. She certainly has no problem getting attention from the opposite sex. I took my S to his soccer game today, STBX had to work and when I got back their was a call from some other guy on the machine. SD didnt seem to know who it was but S seems to think its a friend of his buddy's dad. So that makes 3 that I know of anyway.
Im torn between continuing to try and show unconditional love for her or perhaps fostering friendships with other women to create some kind of doubt on her part. I remembered her comment after are lunch "date" when she saw the new cross I bought myself. Something to the affect of whos the girl? kinda question. When I couple that with the comment she made to my SL 3 or 4 months back I wonder if she is at least a little curious. It doesnt seem to bother her much though. I did tell her it was a present to myself which is true. The thing is I am definetely am going to wait till after the D and even then Im not sure if I will feel totally comfortable with it. Guess Ill cross that bridge when I come to it.
As far as being friends? Yeah I hear yah. I do feel a certain amount of friendship towards STBX but I also know that there is more to it then that, on my part anyway. And yes I do believe that it do's make it seem easier on the WA's when that happens. I think maybe STBX is in HER comfort zone as far as are R is and that as long as it continues this way it may help to assuage any guilt she MIGHT be feeling. I also think that the D will help her in that respect also. I mean as long as we are D its not really cheating is it? Just speculation on my part.
Man what a week! LOL Well gotta get ready for job 1 so take care all and thank you so much again for stopping by. You are all truely priceless people!
Wow, for some reason songs just seem to keep popping into my head lately. I had completely forgotten about this one. And then it was there. Boy is it OLD too!
I guess its in keeping with the theme. I have been wondering a little, that maybe my age is at least a slight factor. It never seemed to matter at all before but now I begin to wonder a bit. It used to be a joke between us, but maybee its not such a joke anymore.
Any way here it is;
Midnight blue (Melissa Manchester)
Lyric:
Whatever it is, it'll keep till the morning. Haven't we both got better things to do? Midnight blue. Even though simple things become rough, Haven't we had enough? And I think we can make it. One more time, if we try. One more time for all the old times. For all of the times you told me you need me, Needing me now is something I could use. Midnight blue. Wouldn't you give your hand to a friend? Maybe it's not the end. And I think we can make it. One more time, if we try. One more time for all the old times. Midnight blue. I think we can make it. I think we can make it. Wouldn't you give your hand to a friend? Think of me as your friend, And I think we can make it. One more time, if we try. One more time for all of the old old times. I think we can make it, one more time I think we can make it, if we try I think we can make it, one more time I think we can make it, if we try I think we can make it, one more time I think we can make it, if we try I think we can make it
I've done a tour of your thread and I have to agree with COG on this one. Remember I'm the WAW that went back. But you're right, it's tough knowing that she's signed the papers already...where to from here? I have NO idea.
In a way I'm expecting the same to come from my H. He's confused about what he wants, me or OW. Oh well, guess I'll find out soon enough.
But the thing I find most encouraging is that you are remaining honourable to your W and your M while this is all going on. For your own sanity I wouldn't start having any kind of emotional or physical R with OW. That way your conscience is clear.
She's not stringing you along, trust me. It's her way of trying to show you that she doesn't want to be the bad guy, she DOES still care. I did the same thing, but H did the whole pursuing thing and pushed me away a million miles. And now it's role reversal.
J you're doing great even though it's tough - just keep your eyes on Him and step firmly on the rock.
I'm going to give you a bit of a different twist in all of this.
Unconditional love? Hmm. Now, if it's "unconditional," why am I seeing that you're still expecting certain reactions out of your STBX? I did that with my ex, didn't work. Let go, totally let go. Whatever you do, you do because you want to, because you are a generous, giving person who does not expect anything. Don't let her ruffle yer feathers in other words.
As for dating, Jim... what do you want in an R? One thing I went through and I think it's a common dilemma... so many want to date and find someone in these situations. Not that it can't work out, but it seems to me to be a more natural course of action to let that "desire" be and work on discovering what you want in your life and in an R.
If your STBX is jealous because she saw a new cross and thinks it's from someone else, I'm not sure that's a good sign. Looking back, I did the same stuff. Hung lingerie up in my laundry room knowing darned welll my ex came back to get free fluff and fold when I was away at work. Well, let's just say I learned I don't need a jealous person in my life. It was a pretty good experiment overall, really. He could do whatever he wanted and disregard my feelings. But when I showed a bit of independent thinking or living, well it was a sign to him to try to control me rather than discussing an issue through and being honest with me.
I still say your STBX is confused as all get out, she doesn't know what she wants. But let her be, let her go. She's looking for attention from men because perhaps she doesn't know how to make herself happy and fulfilled yet. You can't do it, either. That comes from within.
My two cents' worth, which in this day and age is probably worth half a cent
Jim, you're going to get through this just fine, no matter what way it goes. You gonna be in Toledo? Get your butt in the glass city, will ya?
Hey Ness, Blu; Thanks to both you fine lady's for stopping by.
Well I guess the general consensus is that its time to truley let go and do the dark/GLA thing. This is so sad. Through all the ups and downs and the really tough times I never really believed I would be here some day. I really miss the girl I used to know or perhaps I just thought I did.
I guess your right Blu. Time to really expect nothing cuz then I wont be dissapointed, heh, heh. As far as the jealousy thing STBX has never really been the jealous type, but then I have never given her anything to be jealous about. I just thought the comments a bit odd cuz why would you care? Unfortunatley Im 99.9 percent sure I will not be making it to Toledo this weekend. Im really dissapointed too. After coming crashing down from the high of last tuesday I really was looking forward to getting away and having a good time this weekend. I needed it. Ah well.
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