Ok, Talked to STBX last night and found out she haf the day off today so I made a joke about her buying me lunch at work today, which she said was a possibility. So she called me today about watching the kids thursday and I asked about her day. She was going to see a co-worker who recently had surgery and I said something about lunch being off then. She said something like "sure if you want to" and I replied that it was her day so if she did to give me a call afterwards. So she called and we had lunch here on campus.
After I took her to her car I asked if ther was something she wanted to tell me. She said no not really, so I brought up the dismissal notice. She said she was unaware and maybe she should check her pile of mail. She talked about a few other things and then as she was getting ready to leave I brought up the subject again. I cant remember the exact words that were said but it did lead to a short R talk.
Again I cant remember the words line for line but she did say that she liked they way we are right now and that she do's bounce back and forth at times.Maybe that will change someday but maybe not. We both talked about the fact that it is hard for us to talk about our problems, and that niether one of us would ever go back to the way things were. She also said maybe we could talk later cuz I still gotta go over after work so we can finish our taxs. I also said that I seem to have a lot more faith in us then her and she agreed. She also brought up our upcoming trip with D and that it should be nice and relaxing.
Thats about the gist of it. Im typing in a hurry and trying to remember it but I dont have one of those photographic memories like some of us.
WOO WOO!!! I'm so excited for you!!! This is great news. Jim, I hope it all works out for you. I know how much you still love her. As you and I have talked, I've never understood your reluctance to talk openly to her so I'm glad some of this is finally coming out. Just don't over react and scare the crap out of her. It's definitely a baby step and you need to remember that.
Does this mean you aren't willing to play Jane & Tarzan with me in Toledo?
Quote: she did say that she liked they way we are right now and that she do's bounce back and forth at times.
My W has used those exact, and I mean exact words many, many times. It's a very good sign. A definate baby step. It means she's finding a comfort zone. You have obviously done some things right and your DB is working. If not, she would not have allowed the dismisall to happen. One thing is for sure, feelings change. The two of you obviously liked each other enough to get married, then feelings changed. Whats to say they won't swing back the other way?
Hang in there brother,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Ok I remember that maybe it had to do more with being afraid that things would go back to the way they were. And I made the comment about the dismissal notice " not being what I thought it was then" i.e. initiated on her part. Man I wish I had one of those voice activated recorders.
Anyway I went over later and we had dinner then off to sons soccer practice at 7. Sometime after we got back "home" SD shows up with friend and STBX asks SD about being around for a while ,I assume to watch the kids, so that we could catch a flick. I remind her we have to work on the tax's and she says O yeah. So we spend the rest of the evening doing that and then after get the kids off to bed. Im pretty tired and I gotta work at 7 that morning. STBX asks if I have my uniform with me. She then says something about staying there and going to work from there. I said sure and grab all my stuff and throw it in the wash for the next day. We hit the sack and just kinda chit chat in bed. After awhile during the convo I start rubbing her back and shoulders while Im laying next to her. At some point she decides its to hot and gets up to get a lighter shirt. When she sits back down the buzzer go's off on the washer and she makes an unenthusiastic comment about putting my stuff in the dryer cuz other then a pair of jeans all my clothes are in the wash. So as she is sitting on the side of the bed changing I make a deal with her to go do it myself if she leaves the shirt off for a bit (leer ) So when I get back she is laying under the blankie's and I start talking to her while I resume my back rub and "Lo and Behold" its not just the shirt thats gone. I think there was a lot of moving around and mutual admiration after that, my mind gets foggy here. But anyway after awhile we lay there talking for a bit more and then drift off to sleep. Course the next morning I help a little with the kids, kiss her goodbye and split for work.
Qoe; That has always been part of are communication problem. But I have been reluctant to talk becuase it go's against all the rules. However as I believe I have mentioned to you before sometimes I wonder if Im not DBing myself out of the R by not talking, yah know? Your right I think now I need to be really careful but it will help that I wont see her until next tuesday cuz of work. And no calls unless its about the kids.
Oh, and you know if I ever decide to play Tarzan after the D your my first choice, heh, heh.
Cog; thnx for stopping by. Interesting about you W saying the same thing. However from what I understand the dismissal is a court ordered time limit. I guess its to help speed up the workload, my guess anyway. I know she has the jugdement papers now cuz I saw them in her car when we went to soccer practice that day. She must have forgot they were laying there so I put them under some other things and played dumb. All she has to do is sign them now.
Sounds like you're doing great DBing, and your W's responding positively in some ways.
Regarding the dismissal, is that a dismissal IF you don't do something like sign a judgment within a period of time or is it an actual dismissal meaning that the petition for divorce has already been dismissed? I had filed for divorce in a different state, and after H and I went into marriage counseling, my attorney contacted me to say the petition would be dismissed if I didn't take the next step (I think it was something like filing affidavits). To be honest, I don't remember exactly whether the court automatically dismissed the petition for lack of progress or if my attorney filed a request to dismiss. I think the court dismissed the petition on its own; but in any event, I didn't want to proceed with the divorce.
Good luck, and you're in my prayers.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. C. S. Lewis
Hey Eyes! thnx for stopping by. Yes from what I understand the court files the dismissal which will go through IF you dont do something within a certain time period. So I would assume that she needs to sign the judgement and then request the final hearing? As I said I know she has the judgement all she needs to do is sign it now which Im 99% positive she will.
You know I had a chat with a lady at work. She and I have been talking a little cuz she is going through the same thing right now. I dont know why but she just opened up to me one day about a week and a half ago. Guess she just needed somebody to talk to.
Anyway, I said something to the affect that sometimes I wonder if my STBX is just stringing me along. Sort of, I want to see whats out there but just in case and in the mean time Im gonna keep you in my back pocket in case things dont work out. And she said that that was something that had occured to her too. Obviously I have been telling her a little about my sitch.
So now Im faced with a dilemma. Im certain that she's aware of the fact that I still care about her (no kidding, heh, heh) So knowing this sorta leaves her with all the power, so to speak. Isnt that the perfect WA situation to be in? So now Im faced with questions.
1. If thats the case how do I change the balance of power.
2. Will I really be able to accept her back IF she is done experimenting and decide's to come back.
3.Will not having any more "intimate contact" with her after the D have any impact at all. I mean of course unless something just as good comes along for her, lol. I dont plan on it becuase I want it all from her or nothing. We used to talk about how different it was with each other and how much bettor it was. Course at some point in are R that took a serious nose dive. But again the other night there were some ummm very positive comments on her part, just like old times. I believe that sex for a woman is more emotional then physical, but even women get horny.
I dont know. I know STBX did give me her vacation schedule so it seems obvious that she is giving me the opportunity to spend some time with her and/or the kids this summer. But now Im wondering if I want to play her game anymore. This seems like a one sided ball game. Where I get to play by the home teams rules.
I guess Im just venting a little. And maybe coming down from the high of yesterday. I must admit I really enjoyed myself. It was such a wonderful experiance to be able to be that way again. It was almost like old times again at least for me. Sure I think things could have been a little bettor, if we were more emotionally connected then we are right now. And in a way it hurts. I so want the best parts of are R. And I wish we could make it even bettor, and I believe we could. If we tried. But I have a hard time believing that she will ever see it that way. And I know there is no guarantee. Heck I still have some doubts and I see what I think are problem's on her part that I dont know if she will ever address. But I wish I could help her to see. And I wish I could show her what I THINK I have learned from all of this reading and struggling through our own R together.
Wow. I guess thats enough for now. Sorry about that. Its just that I hate and I am happy for what has happened to us. Im glad becuase I think that after all these years of life my eyes have FINALLY been opened. But I hate that this is what it has taken to do so. And I really hate that perhaps my STBX has not gotten to that part of her journey yet. Or maybe she is just smarter then me.
I guess only time will tell. Or maybe not.
Have a good night everyone. And please take care. JIM
JamesLuscious, I can't sleep, darn it!!!! This is the second night in a row. Anyway, my take on your latest....ahem, adventure.
I think you opened yourself up emotionally to your W, therefore, now, you are "protecting yourself" in the event that it didn't mean the same to her as it did to you.
Yes, I'm sure at times it does all seem one sided. That's probably why I didn't last very long at the dbing in my case. It always seemed like my entire M was one sided. And really, it worked both ways.
Also, I think you are pessimistic in regards to her signing the papers. If she was positive that this is what she wanted, she would have done it before now. She can also ask that it be put on hold for a while longer, I believe, and under the circumstances, this might be the best option for now.
Another thought I'm having regarding your doubts is that "you" may have outgrown her in this process. You've read a lot, you know more of what you want, and only you know if she's capable of providing that for you.
As far as changing the balance of power....what needs to happen to make her pursue you? You just gave her a little taste of "what she may be missing", so, now do you play the game where you act nonchalant about it? How would she view that? Or is it time for the LRT? You said that you've always had a problem communicating with her regarding your problems. Has that changed? If it hasn't, can you continue to live like that?
All stuff to think about....or not. It's way past my bedtime....(yawn). Nite.
Sorry your having trouble sleeping Jilly. Well apparently I didnt make a "big" enough impression tuesday night, lol. I got a look at the papers today and yes she did sign them.(Sigh)
Anyway there is still the possibility of an R talk this weekend so if it happens I have been thinking about what I want to say so here go's
1.First expand on the fact that she likes the way we are now. Bring up the fact that its nice that we are becoming friends again. But I would also like to find a way to make her think about why that might be. 2.Is it possible that we can improve on that? Should we and why? 3. What would have to occur for us to become close again. Are there things we can do to make that possible? 4.What is it we want from a marriage?
Just some thoughts right now I still need to think about this. Appreciate any input also.
Qoe; Perhaps your right, It did mean alot to me to be able to ML to my W again.
I had hoped that if we had a positive convo like the one we had after lunch that I might ask if she had ever considered the possibilty of postponing the D for awhile so that we might continue to explore are new R such as it is. But after I saw that she had signed the papers this afternoon I consider that highly unlikely.
Yes I beleive that I am ahead of her in that respect. I do think that its possible to improve your chances of loving each other and being happy together actively instead of just "waiting" for something to happen. I definetly see some of the same things now that I seen before that I believe she needs to address within herself. And Im wondering if she is likely to do that or even agree.But then again I might be kidding myself.
As for having her pursue me? I dont know, it doesnt seem likely. Im beginning to wonder if I have no choice any longer but to GAL and risk the chance of finally leaving her behind. I know that she isnt the only fish in the sea, as they say, but I really had hoped that we could pull this off and make something even bettor together.
Can I live with a lack of communication? Absolutely NOT. How could I? I see where it has helped to get me and I never want to be here again. I guess thats part of the reason I just want to say screw DB and find out what the hell is going on in her head. Im tired of guessing and doing nothing about my sitch while my M go's down the toilet. I dont see it changing anyway after all this non R talk so how could it get worse?
crap! I just wish I knew what to do. I wish we had taken the time together to at least have a fighting chance to survive this.
Ah well thats life I guess. You win some you lose some. JIM
The only way you'll ever really know what she's thinking is if she tells you.
The way it looks to me is that she IS stringing you along. She keeps you just close enough to serve her emotional needs. She doesn't really care about the pain you feel, not knowing where you really stand.
I don't want to sound mean because I don't think she probably even knows what she's doing. Her emotional needs come first and while she's in that state, it will always be her way.
This does sound like I am all doom and gloom and I don't mean to, but I see repeatedly all of these great people here and we're all going through the same thing. Some people boast of how they and their exes are friends, but is that really true? On our part there is still a lot of hurt and pain at the rejection and betrayal. For them our friendship can ease their guilt or if they are takers, they know they can count on us.
I think for the kids sake, we should all try to get along, but how many of us that have been lied to and cheated on, when the dust settles, really care to be friends?
You are a really great guy and there is someone out there who will appreciate you for just being who you are. IMHO, for right now anyway, that's just not her!
Hey, are you still sitting along in the parking lot in the dark everynight? Right, you're a security guard!!!! You perv you!
)
Keep.....er, up the good work, Jim!!!!! 
