Ok my first post on my new thread. I'll try and provide a brief recap next but for now Im just waiting for the big D. Should be soon, possibly April? So technically Im not D yet but C no other ending. Not happy about it but becoming more used to the idea. Of course are relationship wasnt perfect and it never will B but still worthwhile in MHO. Still talk and joke but thats about it. Still C each other a lot becuase of the kids. WAW has moved on more then me but no suprise. So thats it for now.
Me:46 Her:37 SD:16 Together 13 yrs, married 6 D:10 S:7 seperated: May/June '04 D filed: Mid Sept Final: March, April? 05
We first started having serious problems about 6 years ago. Wife also had a brief EA. Seperated for a few days. Wife was talking about splitting but then changed mind and we went to counciling for a short period, maby 3 months. Broke off with OM. I had never been a very loving man but made the change to being a much more affectionate person and I like it. Things went really great for awhile till perhaps the end of that year. But some core issues really never got fixed, child discpline (her), financial responsibilty (me).At that time she was diagnosed as possibly ADD. Also I beleive our relationship skills and communication skills were not very good. Things slowly spiraled out of control.
We had many difficult moments some self inflicted some not. Our sex life began to slowly fade away which began to upset me greatly. I had also been working a midnight shift for many years and this was an issue with her. At this time although I had always been a drinker, I began to drink heavily and consistantly. She became absorbed with the children while I became absorbed with online video games. We both became a very unhappy couple of individuals. A little over 3 years ago I got tagged for impaired driving. Wife writes ultimatem. I quit drinking entirely and try to make some changes to "fix" the situation. Trying to help more around the house etc. Wife never changes still blows up alot and very little sex. Wife do's have a bit of a temper and PMS's pretty bad but prolly cuz of a lot of unresolved anger towards me.
Final straw comes when wife asks me to move out. She go's to see company therapist 3 times. We go from "I do love you and maybe we can find a way to save this" to I dont love you anymore and I dont know how to get that back. D word is mentioned by me. I know, but I was scared and emotionally stunned. I ran away from the sitch for awhile. I thought that I would let things lie for a bit and maybe we could start talking about it. Things went well all summer. Were doing things, mostly with kids but did go fishing alone a couple times. No R talk just relaxing and being with family. At some point I picked up DR and read it.Thought that maybe if I kept this up things might start to change between us and we would begin talking about our sitch, LOL. Stunned again by the D papers in the mail.
All this time till now I have been trying to keep up the PMA, trying to be there for her and the kids and be her friend.The display's of affection had always been there between us but have slowly decreased over time. Have ML on a few occasions but that seems to be unlikely anymore. Have spent the night on occasion (in the same bed) for various reasons, none sexual. Her offer. Still see each other 2 or 3 times a week becuase of the kids.Rarely spend time alone. Talk and joke around just like friends. Usually hug and maybe kiss, briefly when I leave but that may be ending soon too.
Ok I think that is enough for now, I'll try and summ up (as if I havent maybe allready, lol) later.
My condolences to anybody that has made it this far, heh, heh.
Keep working on yourself. You can't predict the future.
Hey... you're miles ahead of me at least if you're friends with your STBX. I don't know if I can ever be friendly with my ex! That is a major accomplishment if you can do that
Ahhh, that wasn't too long. Who knows what will happen. Good title on your post. Sounds like it still is very friendly. That's great. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I even got a kiss on the cheek. Maybe a year ago. Oh Well.
If she's like my W, she can be stubborn and tough to bring down walls once up. Maybe time will heal. Like Michelle says, "you don't just fall out of love".
Hope either way, you find much happiness! Looks like you made lots of great friends here. Go Blue??? for Michigan.
looks like I sneaked out of Newcomers - being a bit more brave, but still not quite happy about it
James, I just read your summary and I'm still in tears, so please forgive me if this sounds very emotional. So much of me just wants to go up to every WAW and just shake them to their senses!
All I can say is, I believe that deep down inside her there is a part that still loves you, there just HAS to be. Why else the hugs and kisses and the occasion ML? I know you've read my thread and I can't begin to think if right now it's an encouragement or not.
What can I say, I'm at a place where I am learning to be happy with who I am being on my own. And having to realise that my H won't necessarily want me back, and that's going to be ok too. He's back in the country tomorrow and I just know that I'm not ready to start on our R just yet. I need more time and perhaps he does too - there's NO way I'm going back to the old marriage!
All the things I said to my H as reasons for leaving were things I used to justify my my own feelings. I thought that if I could cover the few good bits with all the HUGE bad bits I'd be ok and would be able to leave easier. The ONLY thing that made me change my view about trying again was the fact that I would never be able to answer the ONE question truthfully and without regret if we got a divorce... 'Have I really tried EVERYTHING to save my marriage?'
When I left I knew I hadn't but I used a million other reasons to gloss over that. Then I gave it to God - and here I am! All I can say is that if it works out and my H and I get back together then He gets the Glory, but even if we don't... Can't turn my back on God again - he's remade this angry, guarded, cynical, little girl who didn't know how to love and feel loved into a woman who cries with joy again and knows what it feels like to say 'I love you' from the heart and mean it! So there's my �'s worth (or Dollar in your case)and what made me turn around - not always the easy thing to do.
hope that was ok, or what you wanted to know. Anyway, I'm back off to my hole... have a good week
Quote: We go from "I do love you and maybe we can find a way to save this" to I dont love you anymore and I dont know how to get that back
What your looking for is to finish this line with "and then back to I do love you and maybe we can find a way to save this" One sure thing about feelings is that they will change.
I wish I had the answer about falling in love. That's the challenge in my M. W is not "IL". I've found sites like this, Marriage Builders, etc. that claim they have the solution, but W does'nt want to take the actions they recommend. My best option is to just keep working on me. I think that's the best for you too.
Have you quit drinking? Even if you have you know it will take her a long time to believe it. You'll have to be patient with that.
Take care, and keep up the good work.
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Hi Jim, Your post filled in some blanks for me about your situation. As everyone else has said, continue to work on yourself. Be the best person, friend, dad, etc that you can. Improve your life as much as you can and whatever is meant to be will happen. I know that all of this sounds very trite and we're told over and over. Just trust me, you will be happy and in love again when the time is right (could be W or someone you're not expecting).
Also, if drinking has "ever" been a problem for you, don't do it!!! You are way to valuable to your kids and friends (that would be me )!!!!
Hi Jim, Your post filled in some blanks for me about your situation. As everyone else has said, continue to work on yourself. Be the best person, friend, dad, etc that you can. Improve your life as much as you can and whatever is meant to be will happen. I know that all of this sounds very trite and we're told over and over. Just trust me, you will be happy and in love again when the time is right (could be W or someone you're not expecting).
Also, if drinking has "ever" been a problem for you, don't do it!!! You are way to valuable to your kids and friends (that would be me )!!!!
