I guess first I want to post some goals...have just been worrying about everything, not really focusing on certaing things that need to be addressed...
Goals: 1. To be able to communicate my needs to my H without being afraid of his reaction 2. To be able to focus on the present and future, instead of what has happened in the past. 3. To believe that my H is trying to make our M work. 4. To decide what types of affection I need from my H and which ones I can live without. 5. Come to the realization that my H is not a ver affectionate person and there will be some things I am not able to get from him. 6. Be more self-confident in my R 7. Work on communicating concerns when they arise instead of waiting until it gets to a heated arguement.
Thats a start anyways...I am going to post all the positive things that my H does each day, to show me that he loves me and also ways I show him....it will at least give me somewhere to figure out what is working and what is not..and what I am getting and what more I need.
A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger. A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish. Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme power. A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.
That is what is holding me back from being happy.
*I dont communicate my hurts or needs, because I am fearful that my H will not care. *I dont talk about any R topics, because I am a fearful that my H will reject me again, by saying he doesnt love me still. *I am fearful of pushing my H to work with me to improve our R, because I am fearful of failure. *I dont tell my H the truth all the time, because I am fearful he will become angry. *I dont "rock the boat" because I am fearful he will see it as the "old" me and want to leave me.
So am I doing all of this because I am afraid to be alone?? Because that would be the WORST possible thing to happen, if I was not living in fear of doing all the things I listed above. So, do I start by working on myself, again? I think I lost a little of me since we started working on us again...I concentrate a lot on my H and our R and not so much time working on myself. There was a time about 6 months ago, that I knew I would be okay if H decided to leave me....I had it all thought out...I would be ok..heartbroken, but I would move on...but now I dont say or do anything because I live in fear that H will now leave.
This whole thing is so confusing and frustrating!!!
Things my H did for me to show me he loves me: 1. helped with kids 2. made supper 3. cleaned up AFTER supper 4. fed dogs 5. Carried on concersations with me
Things I did for H to show him I love him: 1. Scratched his back 2. folded socks, which were left from laundry on sunday (his job) 3. Told him thanks for all the things he did for me today 4. Told him I think he is in great shape...
**Kind of ironic that I do things that I would like for him to do to me. But I am pretty sure that most of the things I do for him are what his needs are. I think I read somewhere that you usually do it that way...you do what you want most...ok, well then I know he loves to have me scratch his back and arm..so touching him, so why does he not touch me??
Note to self...When H asks where I am going and time I am leaving, I get anxious....wonder why he is asking..is it because he is going to contact OW?? But then I think, I ask him the same questions when he is going somewhere and I have no ulterior motive other than just wondering. I have to come to realize that....and just let it go!!
Things H did to show me he loves me: 1. Mailed package for me 2. Looked at cameras for me and also wrote some others down that might be good 3. Went out for supper with me, carried on good conversation while eating 4. Did puzzle with me 5. Helped with kids 6. Thanked me for making him breakfast
Things I did for H to show him I love him: 1. Paid for supper 2. Sent him e card telling him he is wonderful H and that I appreciate all his help this week 3. Kept house clean
I think after a week or so, I am going to come back and look at these and see what needs I am meeting for my H and what needs he is meeting for me. Then maybe try something different with him and see what type of reaction I get. I have a book called "5 Steps to Romantic Love" its from the MB website. It deals with the "His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters" books...and a cassette tape came with it and I finally listened to it yesterday. I know my H doenst like to read, so maybe he will listen to this tape to get a better understanding of what I need or why our needs are different. Then hopefully he will sit down and do the test so that I can see if I am feeding his needs appropriately. And, he can see what he needs to do for me.
Ok, so I know H is not a very affectionate person and never really was...but I have read so many books where people were like this, but in doing the same thing over and over, it becomes a habit and isnt as comfortable to do.
Some time last week, it hit me!! All this work, all this fear, all this hurt, all this worry...just what exactly is it doing for me? If anything, its making this marriage harder! When did marriage have to be this much work? I am tired of working so hard on our M...I just want to BE in our M.
So, I have let go...and let God? Possibly...I feel so much better about my M now than I did a week ago. Yes, I have little moments in time where something triggers a memory or I so much want the things my H has not been giving to me. But when I look at the bigger picture....he is giving me so much more than most people get from their H. We are happy....I am happy....I am in love with my H...is he in love with me? I do think so. We may not say the words, but the actions are enough for now.
I was telling a fellow DB friend that how can I expect him to do things for me, (like hug and kiss and say ILY), when I am not even comfortable doing those things yet? For me, its fear of it not being recipricated. For him, maybe its fear too??? Maybe he's afraid it won't feel like he wants it to. But I am getting more comfortable with it...and trying to do it more often and I think in time, he will come around.
I think when H affair was over, we moved too fast, we pushed too much....for almost 4 months!! Also while he was still in contact with OW...not as much, but a little. Now, am not sure if there is contact or not, but he's a different person....he's sincere, funny, full of conversation...the man I fell in love with....
So, I am just gonna slow down a bit, take things in stride...I have learned so much in the past year....I am a different person....I have learned not to nag, to ask nicely, and also to just ask for things when I want them. So far...it has worked sooo much better than the way I was doing it before.
I guess what I am trying to say is that now, I am more at peace with my M. I feel so much better and happier and that is exactly what I have wanted for so long...
I was just thinking last night...it has been quite a while since I have shown my H any affection. We have both been sick, so been keeping kisses away so we both can get better...but hugs?? Why cant I give hugs when we are sick?
I guess I am realizing why it so much easier for my H to go without any type of affection...when we go so long, the need kind of disappears. But that is a BAD THING! We both need affection in our M to show our love for each other, or to at least keep us bonded and close. We have gotten out of practice of it being a "daily thing" that its just easier not to do it...
So, since this is something I want to work on, I am going to bring it up to my H tonight...yes, tonight..no waiting, just gonna say it. I am going to tell him that I havent been doing so well at showing him affection and that its something that I want to work on, because I feel it is an important aspect in our M. This being said, then I will ask him to help me with this....by at least one time a day, I would like to hug him. See, this way I am not asking him to change, its me that wants to change...
I think that after time, it will be something that we wont have to "conciously" put forth effort in doing anymore....it will just come naturally.
When I think back to before "the bomb" happened, and the things we used to do: pet names, kiss each morning before H left for work, hugs all the time, hand holding, etc. I want to get those things back. But I am finding out that I am still uncomfortable doing them, because it has been so long (almost 2 yrs) since we have done any of those things, thats is almost uncomfortable. Kind of ironic, I thought it was my H that needed to work on this stuff..when really, its probably both of us.
I really admire your hard work and determination. Yes, marriage is work, all relationships are. You are doing well though. Keep up the good work and don't forget to do a little for yourself too. Me
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
This past weekend was one of the best in a while. There really wasn't any BIG thing that happened, but lots of little things..
Saturday morning, H and I got off to good start...I went for 2-mile walk and then came home and made big breakfast for both of us...was nice to share the morning together, we don't usually do that. We usually are both doing our own things. After that, we went out in the yard and did some yard work, cleaned garage,etc. H did his usual "chores" and I asked if he could please clean toilets too..and he did. We discussed *future* plans of putting up a shed outside and getting some more exercise equipment. Its so nice how we can have conversations without yelling, or arguing....we just talk now! Then his late V-day gift came Fed-Express. It was a Barry Sanders poster....laminated and ready to be framed....he LOVED it....so, i took advantage of that and said "I think that deserves a kiss right here," and pointed to my cheek. Yes, he did kiss me!! Later on, he left to go do a job....I made sure to hug him before he left...(trying to make it a habit).
Later on, he was leaving to go out with friends and he offered a hug and I went to kiss him on the lips and I got a REAL kiss back from him. NO, barely touch the lips, like he has been doing, but a REAL, lip-locked kiss!! I told him to have a good time and would see him tomorrow!
After he left, I felt like I was on cloud 9!! So silly that the littlest thing could make me so happy!
Sunday, he came home, we had lunch together, he made supper for me...just hung out...it was so good! I feel so good!
So, now gonna keep up the affection, so he will become less and less uncomfortable and hopefully start coming to me....
Quote: Later on, he was leaving to go out with friends and he offered a hug and I went to kiss him on the lips and I got a REAL kiss back from him. NO, barely touch the lips, like he has been doing, but a REAL, lip-locked kiss!! I told him to have a good time and would see him tomorrow!
That's GREAT! Boy, I think I'd give my right pinky for kiss!
Quote: There really wasn't any BIG thing that happened, but lots of little things..
