Hope everyone is having a great time during the holiday season. Life at our house has been more than a little strained for the past couple of months but we'll see what happens.
It's a real slow day at work since everyone is getting ready for the holidays so I thought I'd bore you guys with my presence while I ramble away.
W and I have pretty much gotten frustrated with one another but I've done a fair job of pushing everything aside for the holidays. Spending a lot of time with the two kids that are here and trying to be upbeat. OS is coming into town tomorrow so we'll have everyone together for Christmas.
Got all of the Christmas shopping done, even got most of the stuff for W's side of the family which she usually does herself. I thought that was a pretty big accomplishment. Got it done and mailed two weeks ago. AND managed to avoid using a credit card to pay for anything. Even W mentioned that this was the probably the first time in the 25 years we've been married that we didn't go into debt over Christmas!
Personally, I think it's because I did a lot of the shopping this year, but she'll never admit to that. Also, I'm not sure its true anyway 'cause I think W used her card to buy more than a few things. But I kept my mouth shut. Its a compulsion with her and I've given up trying to manage her finances. Everytime I pay off her credit card bill she just finds something else that she just has to buy for somebody. The only effective management tool has been to let her use it, then not offer to pay the bill when it comes.
Anyway, D is enrolled in the local college for next semester and she's looking forward to getting back to school. Since dumping her boyfriend and moving up here this fall, she's been busy reinventing herself...not that I thought the old D was that bad. In addition to taking a semester off, and changing schools to live with us, she decided to change her major. I will never understand women. Between changing colleges and majors, she's lost about 25 credit hours...almost a full year of school! And can anyone tell me what you do with a degree in Anthropology???
It's hard to keep my opinion's to myself (I know, hard for some of you to believe that) but I'm trying real hard to be a spectator and just cheer her on.
YS is in kind of the same boat. Still trying to find himself, but at least he doesn't burst into tears when I tell him to get off his a$$...not that he necessarily listens either, but at least I get to vent.
W got an A in the class she took last semester. I've suggested that she take two classes this time around, but she's still nervous about overloading herself. Again, I try not to push, but I know she'll feel better about herself if she gets a promotion at her job, and she only needs a few more classes to get her certification. She really seems to enjoy working there and the promotion will mean she'll make more the double her current salary.
As far as our relationship goes, I'm just doing a lot of thinking still. This cycle we've gotten ourselves in just sucks. I've told W I'm pretty much out of ideas and have been detaching more and more. In predictable fashion, W first gave me the cold shoulder, then suggested we start going to C again, then says she'll go by herself and now acts like she wants to bend over backward to please me. Of course, If I decide to jump back in, I'm pretty sure she'll back off again. That's pretty much been the pattern and frankly, I'm real tired of playing the game.
But for now, it's Christmas! The kids are all going to be home and New Year's is just around the corner.
And, of course, the Nittany Lion's are ranked #3, are playing in the Orange Bowl, and are going to whup up on Florida State on national TV so all-in-all, life's still good.
Y'all take care. Be good and have a Merry Christmas!
Had to come back to work today and the place is dead. The contractor I work with essentially closes down for the holidays, but us government guys have to hold down the fort. Not much to do and I've been spending the day catching up the bb. At least they left the heat on for us this year!
I really hope everyone had a good holiday. I know it's hard for a lot of us riding the rollercoaster but the one truth I've gleaned over time is that, no matter how this all turns out, it does get easier.
Things went great at the ole homestead this weekend. I think W and kids all liked their presents. W got me a diamond tie tack which I thought was unusual. I guess I should clarify that. A while ago I got W a bigger diamond for her old engagement ring. When we first got engaged we were in high school and the ring wasn't much so we upgraded. She had kept the old stone (wouldn't let me trade it in ) So she had it set in a tie tack and gave it to me this year.
I think it really meant a lot to her and I hope I showed the proper level of appreciation. I don't get too excited over gifts but I did think it was nice. She also got me a Jack Daniels gift set and I tried not to act more excited about that than the tie tack...but we all have our priorities.
This makes two holidays in a row (Thanksgiving and Christmas) that have gone off without a hitch. That's progress in my neck of the woods, after about four years of indifferent, or downright terrible memories, it's nice to know that we might have grown up a little.
Her sister came in Christmas Day and is still here. Of course, they had to go shopping yesterday and we all went to see "The Family Stone" last night (I voted for King Kong but lost). Take my advice and don't waste your money. I expected a "chick flick" but I thought it was at least supposed to be funny! It was depressing! W cried at the end. I almost did too, of course, that was because I could have watched King Kong instead...
D got a computer game for Xmas that won't work on her computer. The box says she needs a 128MB video card so we went and bought one yesterday. Turns out you can't just plug a video card into the computer and have it work. It's a little more complicated and the directions supplied are not exactly helpful so we will probably take the whole computer up to Best Buy and have them install it. But that's really been the only glitch so far.
All in all, things continue to run smoothly. NYE is just around the corner, then W and D's birthdays. I've already got a couple of ideas but I'll wait until the Xmas return rush dies down to venture to the mall.
Really don't have anything else to add today (not that any of this was earth-shaking), just wanted to stop in.
I know it's a big deal for her but I just didn't get that excited about it. That's pretty much what I've been wrestling with for the last several months.
Maybe this is just whining, but I've had this discussion with W (not about this Xmas gift - I'm not that stupid ), even suggested she read the 5LL but she just doesn't get it...or doesn't want to.
W is big into gift giving. I appreciate the effort she goes to, but getting stuff isn't really my thing. I ask her if she wants to go away for a weekend and it's always, "but the kids have to work this weekend", or "No, I just don't feel like it."
My response is "Well, the kids are 20+ years old, don't need a babysitter, and I'm not asking them to go anyway."
If its not the kids, it's the dogs or her friends. That's just one example. There are several wineries in the area that I thought it'd be fun for us to go to, but she never wanted to make the drive. Then she had a day off and she went with one of her friends from work. Spent the rest of the week telling what a neat place it was. What kind of message am I supposed to take from that?
There are other examples too. They just keep popping up. I don't throw these things up at her, but it does tick me off. If I bring do say anything, I'm exaggerating or reading too much into it. Often, I end up going to do things on my own and it's fun, but I didn't get married to do this on my own. Or to only do the things she wants to do.
Like I said in an earlier email, the only time this pattern seems to break is when she wants something from me.
When she moved out and was doing her running around, one of her favorite things to say to me "I'm doing what I have to do and if you don't like it - tough".
Now, it's a couple of years later and I still get the feeling that if I don't like it...well that's just tough. Well, I don't like it and I'm beginning to think it won't change.
The worst part of this is that I know it's a self-fulling prophecy. If you start looking for things to be wrong, or expecting it, then it usually is so I try to avoid those thoughts. It's just getting more difficult as time goes by or maybe I'm just losing faith. Either way, it's not good.
I just wanted to say that I feel your pain in the LL area. I don't deal with it half as well as you though I'm learning. That's an obstacle isnt it? We want to save our M but then it might mean we don't have our needs met in the way we need by our S. I'm seeing that over and over in the posts I read where the WAS comes home. The WAS becomes content because we've changed and are meeting their needs and they think things are fine! I'm battling that with my H. I've always tried to meet his needs, and he says that's not the reason for our probs (he suffers from D). I asked him to leave because things became unbearable, then he admitted ILYBINILWY. Now that he wants to work on our R, he's trying to meet my needs the way he wants his met and it's not working! I'm feeling resenful and angry because I've told him what I need but he doesnt seem to "get it" or think it's that important. I should be happy we're together and our sitch is becoming more peaceful, right?
Anyway, if you figure out a way to encourage change, please post it! I think alot of us go through the same things and it's good to see what's working for others.
That pretty much sums it up. W suffers from D as well, and I get the impression that she feels "safe" now that the worst of the drama is behind us.
I don't want to push her, it only gets ugly when she feels cornered. She seems happy that it's "peaceful". I've told her that I'm expecting a lot more out of life than just not arguing. She says I'm just never satisfied.
I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I've certainly never seen anyone get what they want just by "hoping for it".
But don't sell yourself short. I don't know your sitch, but it took me a heck of a long time to get here. Anyway, I don't know how "well" I'm dealing with it, but I've already been through the hell part and I'm not going there again. She left for over a year with me and the kids trying to figure everything out and we managed. I'm not too worried about "going it alone" if it comes to that. I just think it would be better if we could get on the same sheet of music and do it together.
It sounds like my H and your W could be twins! I always say he's satisfied with peaceful and instead of making things happen, he goes where life takes him or hopes the future will be better. He also says I'm never satisfied. I just believe in living life and if you want something, make it happen! Makes it hard to see eye to eye with my passive H. But, maybe with time and patience we'll get there. Hope you do too!
Are you kidding? Texas looked like a National Champ! Houston would be wise to pick Vince Young and rebuild their team around him. That's what I would do anyways...
BTW, the only college item I own is a Longhorns t-shirt I got from friends in Austin a few years back. I wore it on Wednesday night even if it was a bit chilly out there.
Quote: Joe still knows football. How 'bout those Nittany Lions??? 11-1 and #3 in the nation. Not bad for an old man!!!
Oh, and I guess Texas looked pretty good too!
You still make me smile.
I know you don't check in often anymore, but I wanted to stop by and say hello. I probably won't be on the bb much anymore (made a post about all of that). But I wanted to come and share some things with you.
Thank you for being such a good friend to me along the way. Although you and I don't talk anymore like we did, I will always cherish our friendship. You taught me a lot along the way. I could never repay you, and I hope that I helped you too somewhere along the way.
I think you have my email address. If not, I left one on my thread that I'm giving to my bb buddies. Drop me a line and let me know how you are doing, okay?
I'll probably pop in on you here and there, so don't be surprised if I whack you when you need it.
Love, MAL
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
) So she had it set in a tie tack and gave it to me this year. 
), even suggested she read the 5LL but she just doesn't get it...or doesn't want to.