((((KB))))) Wow, your H makes mine almost look like a boyscout!!!!
Sweetie, you do have to forgive yourself. You did all you could but it's not something you could do alone. People have to be willing to help themselves too. IMO, you H has done you a tremendous favor by allowing you out of the nightmare of a life he's creating. And trust me...you're not one of those people that no one wants to be around. You're just now getting your life back and it will keep getting better. I promise.
Geeze, it makes me furious when I hear some of the crap these people do to others and then find a way to lay the guilt on everyone but themselves!!!!
I don't know what it is that makes these men do what they have done. The Lord knows I have asked Him repeatedly for an answer and I have sifted and sorted through everything that I can humanly think of in an attempt to get a glimpse of what made Old Whiplash change so drastically.
Everyone who looks at the situation from the outside thinks he changed overnight. For a long, long time, I thought that also. But then when we first separated in December 2001, his ex-captain told me he was having troubles at work back in 1998...anger, resentment, acting out. He even asked me how I could not have noticed. I didn't because it was only happening at work...never at home.
Looking back now, I started noticing changes in Old Whiplash around 1995 or so. Sexual fantasies he would talk about. That progressed to wanting to act out some of the fantasies. Nothing outrageous early on, but, boy oh boy did that change with time. I know now that things started heading downhill from there. Odd how you can look back and see clearly what you couldn't see when it was happening or when you were still wearing the rose colored marriage glasses. I look back to early in 2001 and realize there were major problems and realize that the Old Harley Whore was very much in the picture as far back as February 2001. I'm not sure when he first started seeing her...1999 or 2000, but when she really became a fixture in his life was when things really fell apart in the marriage. She is a lot like the OW in your situation. Maybe not quite as bad, but I wouldn't put my hand on a Bible and swear that she wasn't or isn't.
For whatever reason, these men feel the need for this type woman. I once read that the OW was all about MAINTENANCE AND MONEY. I do believe that. However, a free-wheeling sex life must play a very powerful part in the equation because too many of these men go for "loose" women instead of replacing us with women having minimal to some moral values.
Your ex, and mine, are headed for rock bottom. I don't know when or how exactly that they will land there, but it is sure to come. It will be interesting to see if they are content to remain there and drown or if they have enough self-preservation and willpower to push themselves up off the bottom of the ocean floor and swim for the sunlight. Only time will tell.
As far as what you could have done or what I could have done or any of us could have done...we did the best we could at the time. More and more I realize just how much was hidden from me and I strongly suspect that a lot was hidden from you and the others here on the bb. We all saw what we once had and what we thought we still had. I don't believe there were many of us just prior to the bomb that realized the demons that were at work on our spouses and on our marriages. The marriages got a torpedo sent directly to the most vunerable part of the emotional makeup of our spouses. Hit them dead on and about killed us.
Like you, I wonder how much longer I will struggle with all of this. I'm tired. I don't like my mind playing games of "what if", "why didn't I know", feeling like a battleground of emotions. It has gotten old. I want a resting place where I can lay down all this baggage I still seem to carry.
All I want is an answer, a direct answer to a handful of questions so that I can lay this all to rest and give it a decent burial. But for now, I have days where I feel like the criminals and Christians in Old Rome who had a corpse strapped to their backs until finally they died from the corpse's putrefication. I just want to lay down the corpse of the marriage and get on with things. And it is so hard to do when you don't have all the facts that you need to be able to do so.
I hate these doubts and wonderings that play through my mind.
Hopefully one day we will all be healed and be able to move into all the good things the Lord surely has waiting for us.
Blue Thanks for visiting my thread. The temp only reach 39 degrees today with drizzling rain. Needless to say I stayed in all day. I have been reading your posts to BK2 about all the bad luck. You can throw me in the pot. I promise it feels like sometimes as if I have been beat with the bad luck stick or got the wrong fortune cookie. It will all work out in the end though. Just got to have the faith. Seafood soup sounds great for tonight. I will probably just have an apple since I had a late lunch.Hot wings and salad Hope you are careful in all the ice. Take Care of yourself God Bless
Quo, the last thing any of these guys can be are boy scouts.
I know I need to forgive myself. That I think has been the hardest thing of all, especially combined with the deep desire I had to strangle the living sh!t out of my ex at one time. Man am I so so so glad to have that man out of my life.
This whole story is just strange. We really are products of our environment. It's just so hard to recognize that at times.
You know, B2K, I don't know if we really WANT to know what motivates these guys to go psycho. From what I've seen, it's such an ugly ugly world.
I'm not even talking about an affair! I am pretty positive about the time my ex hooked up with the major domo bimbo based on capture internet histories, cookies, email addies, and emails back around the end of 1999. Around then, Christmas/New Years 99, was that man going weird on me. I thought he'd go postal on me for buying cobalt blue champagne flutes for New Years Eve. He was upset because I spent $30 or $40 bucks? And then...just hours later, he was happily cooking osco boco (a lamb stew--great stuff) for dinner. His behavior was just too weird and whenever anyone called him on it, it was someone else's fault--the kids made him mad, his boss was being a jerk, I didn't do whatever it was he expected.... just really insane reasons.
I don't doubt for a nanosecond that because we had experienced so many deaths of some people during all of this that were close and important to us, that it triggered a lot of things in him. When he lost one of his grandmothers, he really lost it when I look at it in retrospect. About that time, this man literally got totally loaded, left me a suicide note, drove 200 mi north of here toally drunk and with a case of beer in his car. I am so surprised NOT A SINGLE OSHP officer stopped this man. He ended up trying to crash the cemetery gates where his abusive alcoholic grandfather was buried. I had his brother intercept him. When he sobered up and stayed with his brother for a few days and got "the talking to" from his father, he came home angry at me for "squealing on him" to his family! And this was only the first of two suicide attempts from him. I swear, I hope I never have to live through someone else threatening to commit suicide.
I blew a lot of this off in the beginning as "stress." We talked a lot about the expense of putting the kids through college, the house which was a financial drain but we really wanted to rehab (it was a really cool design with Frank Lloyd Wright architectural elements), and the stress of three teenage daughters still at home. Every darn time, he'd get so freaking angry that I'd just drop the convo and walk.
I really do believe there is a behavioral and a substance addiction problem there. It only got worse over time, and I do think it was a "protective" device for him. Rather than confronting the financial, emotional, and most likely, spiritual problems in his life... he found sex, drugs, and rock and roll again in midlife. I wouldn't doubt it if he got involved in nose candy at some point. His physical health and appearance is just awful and he's aged so much... totally gray now, no meat on his bones. He was always built like a basketball player... very tall, lanky, but always had "meat" on him but not an ounce of fat. Now, he is nothing but skin and bones. And his face looks like he's as old as his dad...who is in his mid 70s! My ex is only 48!
What I don't get is why they bury so much inside of them. My ex went so nuts in part because of the past he buried. That was something he kept repeating to me--"just bury it." I really do think he wanted to die at one point just thinking about it. Totally creepy stuff.
Unlike you, what was happening for my ex at home was happening at work as well. Unfortunately, since we were both in the same professional work circles, I knew way too many people. I really think based on comments I've heard and convos I had, was my ex was told about shaping up on his job because one too many server problems were occuring because of traffic from porn sites. I do know he was developing some really hard core porn sites (definitely NOT Playboy stuff...we're talking some pretty weird stuff), and from the computer history I have...well, it could not have been pretty. And my ex was constantly working over weekends at that time, and he'd come home p!ssed off at one of the email administrators for locking certain things down. Let's just say I know a bit about technology and networks myself due to my background and professional life to say that I KNOW this man was up to no good and taking advantage of his employers at one point.
You're right in that they're headed for rock bottom. I'm pretty certain my ex is there right now. And I find that tragic. My ex is really very intelligent and talented. It isn't as if he was a lazy good-for-nothing. I just do not get what would motivate them to go from being decent human beings into a world of destruction. My ex lied so much throughout all of this it extended to him even lying on his resume! He claimed to have a certain degree from the University of Michigan...which was patently untrue! I have NO clue where he's working or what he's doing. But I suspect it can't be near the type of work he once was doing. His reputation is total trash in the technology community around here. I know this much.
I refuse to wear that corpse until it kills me! Gawd, I think I took that one on when he bounced back here after the D. But this baggage or whatever it is -- it's defintely not fun. I know in my heart of hearts I have nothing to feel guilty about. That this guy picked up what it was he wanted to, it was his decision. And he refused to even acknowledge what it's done to him.
I guess I am just naive. I never realized how ugly human nature can really get. Heck, I sometimes think my ex is the reincarnation of Caligula!! Those old Romans defintely were warped just thinking about how they loved that old Colesium!
Like you, I want the corpse of this marriage buried or maybe cremated! I have become so self-protective because of all of this. That is the corpse for me. I really wonder if I can ever change my personal expectations because of it. It's a challenge for me to really open my heart because of this. My thinking is "if I could have this happen once because I'd opened my heart to someone, it will happen again." And am I willing to let someone take away my hard-earned peace and lifestyle? Idonthinksotim!
Pammie, I think I'm having Chinese for dinner sometime this weekend. I haven't had a fortune cookie in so long!
Soup can always be reheated. I still cook for an army. That is one habit I cannot break even after all of this time. I still cook enough for a family of six and plenty of leftovers! There's just something soothing about the chopping, the sauteeing, the smell of something good that tells me it's time to relax. I'm always sending my kids and their friends home with leftover.
Grandson kept asking to go to Papa Bear in the mall. I could not figure out what he wanted until he told me chinese food with the big black and white papa bear.
I always cook tons of food. But it looks like I am getting the Army back. and with Mommy Dearest moving in there will be always way too much food that we can't throw out until it is moldy. eEEEEEWwWWW
d
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
Just get a dog. They will eat anything. I had a dog that used to eat broccoli and (I hate to admit this one)... soap or shampoo. Darn dog would chew up a shampoo bottle or any smelly "girly" stuff it could find!
When Mommy Dearest is there and too much food is going to waste, maybe then you can save on dog chow?
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar” --Thich Nhat Hanh
Some quick journaling. Been reading again and have taken up a meditation class along with the life coaching.
Slowly, things seem to be coming into more focus. It's strange too. I am literally planning my future, which seems odd in some ways. I thought just two years ago, planning meant paperwork for a lawyer, devising ways to get my ex to just play "nice" during the D, and finding ways to just muddle through the financial and legal hassles.
And it's done. I think the past two years I've just really rested my mind from the constant stress and negative cycles that were in my marriage for so long. I'm finding I'm able to really focus on what it is I want more. I've been working my financial plans, putting forth effort to get some freelancing work (not much happening yet, but I have only been doing that on weekends through elance and trying to get the necessary software). Got my last tax document and am "organizing" some writing tasks/assignments and tax paperwork. I say "organize" loosely because my desk and work are at home are a mess. (But I will clean it up!! I swear lol. I am a messy worker... that is something I will deal with later. For now, I'm happy being the female technical Oscar Madison.)
For some reason, it seemed as if this spiritual or "forgiveness" aspect has been the most difficult part of it all for me. I've never been a religious person in the traditional sense. I went through the motions as a child because I was simply forced to. But through the meditation and the reading and the life coaching, I'm finally "getting" it--as if I can give myself the permission to move my life forward.
It's been even stranger--I keep having these odd dreams like nothing else. Nothing fearful, no night tremors like I once had when my ex and I really started downhill. Almost as if it's a really pleasant way of saying "hello" to the new and "goodbye" to the old.
I think I'm gonna like this life. I don't know what it will bring. But I gotta plan that seems to be working. It gets knocked aside every now and again with huge deadlines at work, but that's the life of a tech geek in a marketing comm job. To me, that's always been the fun part of the work anyway. But there is almost a wordless thing happening, it's really an experiential thing. It's pretty cool... no real looking back. No more whys or whats. What is, is. And it's getting better all the time.
What I think I've been learning is this: when we work on ourselves, there seems to be some pattern. Work on the external--lose weight, try to be nicer to the WAS who really don't give a fig, look better, whatever. When that doesn't work...I think we start doing the internal stuff. And that's the hardest part of all. We really need to create our own realities. That starts with our attitude and our beliefs. If they weren't working before, then it's time to do an overhaul. Damn hard work...don't know if I'll ever get done
Well... I gotta start knocking down the effort to do my taxes and find a way to increase my income. Have an hour or two before the kid gets home and I need to talk to her before hitting the sack. Think I'll use that short time to at least get my portfolio going for elance or to at least attempt to think about the tax damages for this year...
"...I think we start doing the internal stuff. And that's the hardest part of all. We really need to create our own realities. That starts with our attitude and our beliefs."
Creating new realities...what a huge thought. I'm not sure how much we create and how much life creates for us. Anyhow, I am sure that after the long haul of a d, it feels really good to know that every effort was made and therefore there is no room for "why didn't I try this or that?". This reality helps to move forward and not look back. Been there, tried hard, and how great to have the chance to have new dreams/goals for the future. And, good surprises that life will surely bring our way.
