I woke up this am with this terrible feeling of spiritual heaviness, like all was not well with the universe. I was not really sure what that was all about but I do believe (without sounding whacked out) that on some level I must have felt your distress in addition to my own.
I can barely see straight, so I am not sure if I can comment or offer any good advice, I wish that I could just call you on the phone and talk this through.
My H said some of the same stuff to me over our dinner last night and repeated your H's control comments almost verbatim plus the part about my changes not not being genuine, plus he also threw in some stuff about me thinking that I was better than everyone else, esp OW. And added in some "things are never going to change."
Funny that his response was in the form of...Well, then how did you catch me? Sigh. Once again blaming, this time your son. How about a reply like this...."I caught you because you were doing it again, you stupid sob, nothing more complicated than that." Big LOL (This time I am just kidding!)
If you did recall it, great. If not, let it go and try not to let him engage you in R convo for a while.
Just shocks the hell out of me that these MLCer feel that they can say anything to you.
Thinking of a Dr. Philism here: You teach people how to treat you. Just a thought.
deb: I mostly lurk, but I just have to add that until your H realizes that you, not him, are in control of your life, he will continue to hold you hostage. It wasn't until I started telling my H things like "your threats don't work with me anymore", for example, did he start to "come around". Right now, he thinks he hold all of the cards, and until you show him otherwise - he will use it to his advantage. the old addage of "DROP THE ROPE" cannot be stressed enough. It took me a full year to do so, but I believe it was the tool that truly saved my marriage.
I just wanted to let you know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers ever since I read your thread last night.
One thing I wanted to share is a little tidbit from my friend's therapist which is this:
Excessive emotion blocks thinking.
So girlfriend take it slow, you should not do anything out of anger or fear, hurt or betrayal. I know that you are feeling all of these things at this time, I have been there myself.
I m going to be out of the house and away from the computer today, but I send you a hug and I will check in when I can.
Deb, just to add one more voice to the mix. I agree that your H needs to be aware that the changes you have made are for you and not for him. How self-centered to think you'd become more yourself for his benefit! Sure, the positive changes you make in yourself change your environment in a positive way, but, honey, it's all about YOU!
Thanks Nevanna, I appreciate it. I really need some help to do some strategizing today. I'm at a very tough point I believe. Plus, being me, I may have royally screwed up this morning, or royally shoved things in the direction I want them to go. I can only hope I struck while the iron was hot, as the old old saying goes, although I know in one sense my timing was lousy. I'll post an update soon, but first want to respond to folks here. Just in case I get locked out, I've already started this new thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=791742&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1 Interesting how lockouts happen just when things are "hot", but I guess maybe that's logical.
Sage, I had to respond to this....I'm not a Gemini, I'm a Libra, BUT OW is a Gemini! Yikes????? I can't help but wonder if H's "how'd you know then" response was to the realization that he's spilled more beans than he needed to!
Quote: Sage, I had to respond to this....I'm not a Gemini, I'm a Libra, BUT OW is a Gemini! Yikes????? I can't help but wonder if H's "how'd you know then" response was to the realization that he's spilled more beans than he needed to!
Oh, jeez...don't read TOO much into it! I think Cainer's "advice" is interesting even w/o the astrology part...for better or worse, one of the best DB strategies I learned was that "doing nothing" for a period of time was a reasonable and valuable option...I was such a DOER pre-bomb that it was almost impossible for me to fathom how NOT reacting could be powerful...but it sure can be.
I'm not excusing your h AT ALL and I hate the fact that your S get mired in the middle of this crap but TBH, as I said yesterday, I wouldn't backtrack completely because you think h disclosed all that stuff because he thought he was "caught". His email to you is chock full of info that he didn't have to disclose...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Ok Sage and Dawn and Cupcake and Pamila and Moving Forward and Nevanna and Micelle TW and Slowly....and all the rest of you who've helped me keep it somewhat together I'm gonna move over to my new thread and start posting there before this one locks up at a critical point.
I really need some help sorting things out and coming up with a plan today.
I think Cainer's "advice" is interesting even w/o the astrology part...for better or worse, one of the best DB strategies I learned was that "doing nothing" for a period of time was a reasonable and valuable option...I was such a DOER pre-bomb that it was almost impossible for me to fathom how NOT reacting could be powerful...but it sure can be.