My heart just dropped while reading your thread this morning. I couldn't be sorrier that your H is such as ass! WTF is wrong with him? He has happiness staring him right in the face and he turns away. Damn it.
Okay, sorry about that vent but...damn him! Deb, hon, this is not your fault. You are no more responsible for his actions than he is for yours. Do not let him push you back into old habits. You have come too far to allow that to happen.
I read his letter in amazement. It was so full of excuses and justifications. He never took responsibility for anything with out the all important "but". As far as his comments about "giving up OW"....well, frankly it sounded as if he was talking to his mother about having to give his playstation! In the letter he blames you, work...hell, he even blames OW "for boosting his ego".
Deb, the letter sounds like it comes from a man who feels absolutely powerless...like a leaf in the wind. He only thinks he his getting what he needs from OW. Her ego stroking is only a temporary fix. And by his very description of OW past behaviors he will never feel powerful with her. She is controlling him. Ahem, he is allowing her to control him!
Now, that said, I do think that the very act of writing the letter is a good sign. He is scared right now because you showed him your anger and threatened him about "not being able to go on like this". Did you notice that whenever you get so angry that you lose it he acts very contrite (for a while)?
Quote: I did appreciate the effort you put into change, I believe it was helping. After last night I realize that it may have been time limited and more of a surface change than to your core, either way it was appreciated and I know took great effort and courage given this circumstance.
Okay, this was patronizing and hypocritical to say the least! However, there is value in this statement. In times of anger it appears that the old Deb surfaces. Okay. something to work on, no? (You and I both. )
As for writing him back. This is tricky. What do you want Deb? Are you willing to keep living this way, with H still having contact with OW? IF so, then I would think that a simple "thank you for writing" and a "I will give your words some thought" would be okay. I guess you could go as far as to validate some of the things that he said.
I hesitate to tell you what I really think that you should do.......but it involves going home early packing a bag for him and leaving it on the stoop. I can feel the DB pros getting ready to whack me. That's okay.
I view this MLC maddness as a blame game. Seems they turn into frustrated children during this time. And like a frustrated child they will blame anyone but themselves for their lot in life without ever wondering what they themselves can do to change it. And some of them also think that this is the time to indulge themselves in whatever way they see fit without regard for their loved one's feelings....because their spouse, after all, is to blame for their behavior.
I think that you have to take yourself out of the equation in order for the WAS to realize that, Hey!, maybe it is my own responsibility afterall. A lot of them do us a favor (IMHO) by walking away. The time away from us allows them to realize that they are just as miserable with us as without us. And it gives us a chance to work on ourselves without them staring over our shoulder constantly, waiting for us to mess up.
Okay, this is getting kind of wordy. Sorry. I just think that you gave him space while he was still in the home to make these realizations...it didn't happen...yet. I know that you are afraid to ask him to leave. I do not blame you in the least.
What about doing a modified LRT? Turn the tables on him and tell him that you need some space? Tell him that you need some time to decide what it is that you want out of life. Then go on out an get a life! Go dark, even though he will still be in the home. Let him twist in the wind for a while.
Okay, Deb. I will check in with you later today. Hang in there and CHIN UP, BE PROUD.
Should I send this (still havent replied, ought to do something) Thanks for the email, I appreciate your sharing with me more than I can tell you, and I know it's hard. I'm not doing very well today either, in fact getting hit by a truck would probably improve my functioning, so I'm not sure anything I say will make much sense, and I pray it doesnt come out wrong. I do want you to know that Aaron didn't say a word to me about the phone call, nor did I ask him.
I'm not quite sure wht to say about your feelings that the changes i'm working on are superficial. I'm trying to work at what I decided I had to do to get back to who I really am. I truely was miserable, although I'm not sure you believe that. I'm not going to live that way again, and in the process of trying to decide how I got so fard down and what to do about it, I came up with some things that I needed to do diferently and I'm working on them. Certainly with less than stellar results and a good deal of back slikding, but theyre things I must do & have no intention of giving up. . That doesnt mean progress will always be steady, or that I will ever approach perfet, unfortunately.
I realize it is painful for both of you, and for you to see her that way and feel responsible for it. I also knowthat it isnt possible to "be friends" without maintaining an emotional connection. That emotional connection is the basis for all the others, and maintaining it, as you've said, keeps the door open a crack and makes it possible to easily slip back through it. That constantly looming possibility casts a pall over the other relationship that will always be there.
My personal experience has been that the pain never goes away as long as there is an "active friendship" either.
From my perspective, it's devastatingly painful to feel so over joyed and excited at what we can rebuild together when you tell me that's where you're at, only to have that taken away. You see, in order to feel that joy, I have to open myself up to how much I do care, and I have to trust what you "put out there" in order to move forward. Thats a really hard thing for me to do anyway because of past experiences. Then when that all goes out the window, or it becomes obvious it never really was, the pain is indescribable, and it gets worse and worse every thime it happens until other alternatives start to look like less painful options. Then I start to believe that has to be the goal behind it all anyway, so it's just an exercise in futility and masochism. Then I start to wonder what is wrong with someone (me) who willing to let themself be put through this over and over again....I mean, what kind of a "core" can a person have who does that? especially when it happened years ago and I swore then I would never do it again.
You said in your email "perhaps none of this matters to you". It matters a great deal to me, it's huge in my life. I do love you as I have never loved anyone else. I truely believe we could build a great relationship. I made a choice to commit to working on that with all I have to give, but it can only work in the long run if that is your choice as well. I'm very much aware that it's up to you to make that choice.
You made the comment that "I did appreciate your efforts/it was helping"....past tense?
Hey Dawn and Nevanna, bad dbing as it is, Old Deb is Roaring right now and frankly she wants to kick his a$$ to the moon.......
I don't know, I'm really at the point where I'm not sure about NOT throwing him out....in the night last night, I acutally told him I thought he should go to her....he said "if that's what you want"....told him it wasnt but that if she was important enough for him to give up everything for, that's where he needs to be.
She certainly is controlling him, and he is letting her. She is SO manipulative.......and oh so wonderful in his eyes. again. His life line to happiness from his misery-producing skank of a wife.
IMHO, No. I don't think that you should send this one. I do like the first pharagraph and the last, with the exception of the last sentence. Because, Deb, it's not up to him to make the choice...the choice is and always has been yours. And somehow, given what I know of your H, I think he is waiting for you to make the choice.
I just think that you need a firmer approach. More tough love and less self-criticism. ???
Thanks Dawn, hmmmmmmmmm, I'll think on this...I was thinking that he needed to make the choice of whether he was or was not going to invest in working on our R....Is that not what came across or not a good thing to tell him?
)
