Not much to report today, except that I'm frustrated.....H is warm and friendly and considerate....BUT I WANT ROMANCE LIKE OW GOT.....When is it my turn?????? How and when do I ask for it????? Why the heck did he back off when he started that way?????? I know he's been under a lot of work stress, but I don't see that as an excuse. Is this something that comes with time? I am adamant about not letting us slide back into the complacent friends mode.........but I don't know what to do.
Hey! You are making a big assumption that the OW "got it good". LOL I very much doubt that she got it all that good when all the while your H was having a severe case of the guilts!
And....aren't you the same woman who just had an evening in front of the fireplace?! Hmmmmm Sounds romantic to me. (Well, ANYTHING sounds romantic to me at this point! LOL)
Maybe it's time to experiment and monitor again. (All the while being thankful for what you have! )
Maybe your H is in the mood to be pursued? Maybe he needs you to set the tone? Come up with an idea about maybe taking alternate weekends to come up with romantic outings? If he doesn't respond right away (or badly) give him time. He's just getting into his comfort zone right now.
Geeze, Deb, maybe he's scared too. How did you react in the past?
Anyway, might need to eeeeease him a little. Take the initiative, so he gets the hint. Or, just ask him to do something--nothing big at first. Maybe he just doesn't know that's what you want.
This is something I have been working on by trying to speak in his love language. Intimacy is slowly increasing. I think this is going to be a slow process. I'd love to go home and have him sweep me off my feet but I've come to realize its not going to happen until we BOTH feel more comfortable with each other.
Thanks Dawn and Nevanna and Moving Forward...I havent had much time to post today, so busy at work...Nevanna I did see you're having a tough time...hang in sweetie, I really think, having been there and done that more times than I can count, that it is a part of the healing process, the anxiety that comes flooding back when things are looking up. and it just bowls you over.
Moving Forward, I've been reading on your thread, and yes, it all sounds so familiar....I will try to post for you soon. Am I right that you and your H and OW are all co-workers? If so, been there and doing that....and it stinks!
Dawn...bannanas and apples again! You go Woman! yes, you're right, I need to focus on what I have, and Saturdays evening in front of the fireplace was H's doing, all I did was grab the 6-pack at the store... I just know he used to right love letters to the OW, and it frosts my cookies so to speak. Where's mine? I know I sound like a 2 year old!
I'm also kind of stuggling this afternoon, because I maintain our in-house training records, and just got the documentation for one that was done this morning that I didn 't monitor....H and OW were both at that one....just bugs the heck out of me to have him in the same room with her with only 20 other people present........urp! I wish one of them would get another job. I did get an email from him that he had a good performance review and will get his raise...I know that's been weighing on his mind. Maybe his performance will improve in other areas now, you suppose? naughty me for thinking such a thing, guess I'm just kind of grumpy today.
Quote: Nevanna I did see you're having a tough time...hang in sweetie, I really think, having been there and done that more times than I can count, that it is a part of the healing process, the anxiety that comes flooding back when things are looking up. and it just bowls you over.
Yes, I think so, too. Just not much fun when it happens.
I'm planning on getting a new tattoo soon (based on H's name in Mayan hierglyphics ), so that should be fun.
I keep thinking...at least I'm not angry anymore! Yay! Not obsessed with xrm and her nonsense. (And yes, she still calls...pretty much every five days.)
A thought...your H seemed to respond well, if I recall, when you did the mushy stuff toward him, too. Have you not done this as much with him lately?
And you are most definately right. It could be other stresses in his life, as well.
The proverbial s--t hit the poverbial fan last night. Now I know why I've been so anxious, and why it's felt like H pulled back and why I'm not getting the little romantic touches anymore.
Yep, he's back with OW....I've had this nagging suspicion, and so far, darn it, those have never been wrong. There've been a lot of little red flags that I tried to put out of my mind.....like last months phone bill being 2x what it usually is, like his last "gas tank fill up" being double the amount it ususally is (this was last weekend). Like the change in tone of his emails from mushy to business like. Going to do paper work on the weekends again. Couple of weeks ago he said he didnt know if he wanted to go on our upcoming trip. no handholding. Ow's smart a$$ smirk when I see her at religious ed.....Oh, yeah, there were a lot of reasons why my anxieties wouldnt let up.
Yesterday evening when I got home the "red alert" sign was flashing in my brain, so I went downstairs where he always calls her and there were not one but 2 phone cards. They havent been there I don't think any longer than this weekend.
He didnt get home from work until 8:30 last night; I'd had it and I confronted him, he lied that they'd been there for a long time....I didnt' accept that, and he finally admitted that yes, he's calling her "but only sometimes" (WTF???) and he insisted that he did go to the office and not to see her. I don't believe that for a minute either.
Neither of us slept all night, I'm thinking I may go home sick today. He actually was giving me his same old crap about how I havent really changed, it's all a fake, it was my fault he was so miserable, blah blah blah blah....How she's just such a good friend and when you've been so close to someone you can't just shut it off like that, but she's moving on with her life.....yeah, right. He kept getting angry that I didnt believe he wasnt seeing her...sorry, I've heard that song so many times before I know when it's off key.
I got up at 5:30 just after he did and took the dog for a walk....he was in the basement on the phone when I left the house.
I told him he knew better than I, it's his profession after all, that you can't have a relationship with 3 people in it, that I couldnt live like this the rest of my life, that I've told him that before....I got his old song and dance about why do I think he's still there if he doesnt want this to work out......I said because of S and he didn't answer. I told him several times I couldnt live like this the rest of my life, he said well I guess you've made your choice then and launched into a tirade about how my "unconditional love" was just a facade....I asked him if he still takes his ring off when he's around her, he said "no"....said I probably can tell what's going on by the way he changes, that after all these years I know him well.... I told him that I hadnt made the choice but that I believed he had, since I've told him that I cant go on like this and it didnt make any difference...he said that he hadnt said it didnt make any difference. Said that he hadnt considered her still in the relationship since they are "just friends" .....yeah right....and of course I made a strong point of saying they cant' be friends, and he got angry that I read a manual and now I think I know everything.
I did make the mistake of telling him that I consulted an attorney months ago, that really set him off about how I was just a fake....
He left the house while I was waiting with S for the school bus, nonchalantly said "see ya" as though nothing had happend....so he'd have gotten to work nice and early....I had to go back to the bed room to get some stuff, and I noticed he did evidently wear his wedding ring.
I'm just devasted. no other words describe it. wow, and the day after the bomb-day anniversary, too! I just don't know how much longer I can keep having my heart dashed on the rocks like this, over and over. I don't know what's wrong with me that I keep going back for more. I don't have a clue what to do now. I want so much to email him and tell him I love him but am devastated, but that would be a very stupid thing to do. I sure miss having some kisses and snuggles.
Hi Nevanna, I appreciate your support. You know, I've been trying to be as "mushy" and romantic with H as I had been, but now again lately he's been real cool and telling me he doesnt want to hear it. This morning he said again how insulting it is because it's fake and it makes him sick to his stomach. One more red flag, I guess
It's like he's back in the wildest throes of MLC again, last night and this morning I got to hear all over again about how controlling I am....I asked what he wanted, he yelled at me "I wanna be the boss!"...got to hear more about how I run his life and control him this morning as well. Heard all about how miserable he is because I control his every move... Just last weekend I asked him what he needed to be happy in our R, (my exact words) and he said nothing....now he doesnt even remember me asking him.
Ah, Deb, I'm sorry that h is still in contact with OW. His reaction is as expected (how "you'll never change") but it sounds like you handled it really, really well.
MHO is to go into "listening mode" -- I wouldn't actively pursue h with the topic nor would I be reactive to him but I'd listen as hard as I could to weed out the "truth" of what keeps drawing him to her from the BS that he's using to distract you (or distract himself?).
I note that you said he's "back with OW" -- can you temper that to say he's "back in contact" with her? Not saying that's acceptable or OK but it does leave some room and doesn't drive the both of you back into your polarized positions.
Here's to your strength and hard work and awesomeness!!!!!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
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How did you react in the past?
Or, just ask him to do something--nothing big at first. Maybe he just doesn't know that's what you want. 
Just not much fun when it happens. 
), so that should be fun.