I had a couple of thoughts that might help you out. Try to keep track of the positives instead of looking at the negatives. It sounds so obvious, but after all this nonsense, I think it's easy for us to keep looking for any little sign that things are headed south. Maybe writing down all of the good stuff somewhere (here or a personal journal) will help you focus on the positives.
Another thought...are you making sure he knows when he does something that makes you feel better? I think they are as hypersensitive to stuff as we are. (My H keeps sayin he is convinced that I am going to leave him.) And if all he hears is that he's not helping, he might start to think why even bother, if nothing is ever good enough. Know what I mean? I've found that, with my H at least, telling how great he is how good I feel when he does stuff that helps me feel reassured increases that behavior.
Thanks Nevanna, these are really good suggestions. at one point I kept a "success journal", but I've kind of let that slide, so yes, getting back to that is a good idea.
I try to let him know when he does something "good"....but probably about almost everything EXCEPT when he does something that's reassuring (although I have thanked him when he leaves notes about where he's going, asks me to go somewhere with him, etc.) You're absolutely right about how important that is to do...I'm really going to keep that in mind and focus on it this weekend.
So far things are pretty good today, I go home at noon, so am looking forward to just having some "down time"....I hope hope hope he doesnt do paperwork this weekend.
Thought I'd journal a couple of thoughts that occured to me.... In spite of my anxiousness that irritates him, H is kind and loving.... He stopped by my office yesterday eve. on his way out, chatted a minute about the day, and I told him I was sorry for being so anxious that it made him miserable. He smiled, hugged me, and said "oh,it's ok, what else would you do?" I took that as a positive; When I got home from work last night, he had put a beer in the fridge to get cold for me. I didnt feel like drinking one, but thanked him for thinking of me and doing that, and I thought that was a sweet small gesture.
H took his shirt off when he came to bed for "skin snuggles" again....he seems to crave that even more than I do.
This morning I was almost late to work because we were just "chatting"....he hugged me and kissed me in nice, really warm ways before I left. It occurred to me that one thing that seems different about him since he told me about 2 months ago the A was over is that I have this "sense" that he is not holding back from me emotionally anymore. I don't know if anyone knows what I'm talking about, it's hard to explain, but when he was involved w/OW, it was always like he has holding "something" in "reserve".....like he wasnt completely "there" emotionally....I'd be really interesteed to know if anyone else has seen this kind of thing, or even knows what I mean!
Hi Deb- I've never posted to you before but your thread caught my eye today. I seem to be suffering the same thoughts/issues/feelings as you and the others right now. My H has yet to admit that the A is over. We've had several reconnects since January and I feel like things are different in a good way right now but there are still some things that make me think that it is not completely over. I'll add the link to my latest post below. I'm wondering if you could take a look and let me know whether it sounds like anything you have experienced? I could really use some mental help today.
I am so sorry that I missed your posts (ahem...semi-crazymaking ) about having doubts. You have gotten great advise here from everyone, as usual! And your last post has you heading in the right direction. Count your blessings, hon, always.
I am sure your H feels terrible guilt over what he has done. Each time you ask him for reassurance (but I am not so sure that it comes across that way) you are dredging up all that pain. He could come to resent you for it, associate you with the guilt.
I know that you do need the reassurance- anyone in your situation would. So why not experiment a little? Maybe your timing is off? Try asking for reassurance 1. in a different way and 2. at different times. Okay, for example (and thinking of my situation here) instead of asking my H if he is never going to leave me again ....I might say something like "what do you think about putting up a shed?" And I learned never to ask him such things when he is walking out the door. Also, I never call him back into the room after he has left it. He hates that.
I hope you see were I am going with this! My pain pills are making me silly . It is possible for you to get what you need without the direct questions and accusations. Hope this makes sense!
Hi What's Next, Thanks for stopping in! I'm sorry I didnt post to you in response to your request on Friday, but I've been off the board over the weekend. Also, I tried to post on your thread this morning, and I believe it's locked up.
I'll try to read through your thread and catch up on your sitch today.... I did read about the truck, and I have to say, I don't know if you read my old threads or not (I've been around a while, that would take A LOT!) but last spring, when my H's MLC was still raging (I'd say it's more smoldering now) I dealt with the exact same issue....suddenly one of the huge problems in his life, caused by me of course, was that he was driving an old vehicle because of my "stifling him"....never mind the fact that a year or so before this had been his pride and joy "guy toy--hunting wagon" , and that now that he's driving a nice almost new, top of the line 4wheeler, he misses his old hunting wagon! go figure! Anyway, his damn vehicle was one more BIG reason why his life sucked and OW was so much better (she drove his dream 4wd SUV)....So I decided to take that reason away, and did pretty much what you did....found vehicles to look at and arranged the financing for him, and let him go from there....(dangerously close to "mothering" him, which I try to avoid)....but it did seem to eventually defuse that issue....
Hi Dawn, thanks for checking in on me. How are you doing? and how is your H?????
I think you're right about the reassurance ( actually I know you are, you wise woman!) Actually, if I pay attention to the indirect reassurances, there are quite a few of them! but I still struggle a lot....I'll have to post about the weekend in a minute...I'm not doing as badly today as I thought I might!!!!
I thought about you this morning when I read today's Charlyne Cares. It is all about taking control of your thought life.
I can do an ok job of that until I get around H, then it is like all of the sudden paranoia can creep in and I start holding myself and him up to the magnifying glass.
Part of the reason I had to leave the other morning was because I had the overwhelming urge to check his cell phone and see if there was a message from OW. Talk about your cheeseless tunnel, yeesh.
I am also now getting international hang up phone calls again, so I know that there is trouble in paradise. Someone on the board used to have a thread titled "Paved paradise and put up a parking lot."
Today is the 1st anniversary of "THE BOMB". Surprisingly, I'm doing ok, better than I thought I would. On the one hand, it's been a year of hell, on the other it's been a year of personal growth that I needed to do and probably wouldnt have otherwise.
To update from the weekend: Friday afternoon/evening was pretty uneventful...
Saturday morning, H said he had to go to work, and I didn't do well, burst into tears. Instead of getting angry, he was actually reassuring, told me that he really was going to work (still in my mind), that it was ok that I was upset, that he probably would be also, hugged me, told me he'd be home by noon, and we'd go to church and spend the evening together.... He came home about noon, came right to me and gave me kisses and nice warm hugs. I mentioned that I wasn't in tears this time, and he said "I appreciate that"..... That day (Saturday)was the 26th anniversary of our 1st date.... Before H got home, I mentioned it to S12, and the poor kid, I had to chuckle, said "should I stay in my room tonight?"...We've never asked or suggested that S stay in his room! I guess he was trying to help me out! Anyway, S did stay all night with a friend, and H and I spent the evening in front of the fire place in the living room, had a couple of the imported beers we had on our first date, watched our "naughty movie" and ML....it was nice, except H had some performance problems which is unusual and doesnt do anything at all to reassure me. I'm assuming it was from not feeling to great with a cold, taking cold medicine, and having a couple of beers. Kind of scary though, because a couple of weeks ago he was initiating ML every other day or so. I try to shut it out of my mind, don't know what else to do.
S made me laugh again, when he came home on Sunday, he opened the fridge, he saw the beers that were left (we had 2 each from the 6-pack) and said "well my my my, arent you two the wild party animals!".....H kind of snickered, put his arm around me, and whispered in my ear "actually YOU were the party animal!"...I guess that's good?????
After lunch we were still sitting at the table and I commented on not hearing much from D and SIL since their move....that I didn't know if it was good, bad, neutral, but I didnt want to be calling them a lot when they are trying to get settled into their new home and jobs....H said he thought it was good, then added, "sometimes you have to just let people go even when you love them"....kind of took my breath away, I didnt even answer him, I was just absolutely quiet. However, since I've learned that "listening between the lines" often tells me more about whats going on with H than what he says directly, I'm leaning toward this as being an indication that the A really is over...
We leave for a 6-day vacation to our "usual" spot a week from tomorrow. I'm so glad we're going, and I hope being there in the fall will help chase the ghosts of OW further into the past.
I can't help but wonder what things will be like for us next year at this time. We still have far, far to go in building a new M....I want much more romance from H than he's giving me right now. I thought he was really going to take off in that department, but he's pretty much faded/fizzled back to his "old self" (pre-A) in the way he relates to me. Actually, he's better, just not where I want him to be. So, I gotta figure out how to work on that.
I havent tackled that much yet, because I need to take a breather, and I don't want to pressure him too much. I sensse that he is still grieving OW a lot, as much as I hate that, and I don't want to pressure him and make him think he should have made a different choice.
I did ask him this weekend if he wished he had made a different choice ( I think when I was crying before he left for work), and he said "I don't think that would have been the right solution"....that reply makes me kind of sad, and points out to me how far we still have to go. He didnt say he was happy with his choice, or that he loved me, or anything like that....
Time, I guess, it a big part of what it's going to take. and so I keep praying for patience and wisdom and guidance, and dbing one day at a time!
Hi Pam! Yes, Charlyne cares hit home again with me! I still have much work to do with controlling my thoughts. Actually, I was thinking a lot this weekend about "let go and let God" because I was anticipating a tough day today, and maybe that's soaking into my psyche, because I've felt pretty peaceful the last couple of days.
You know, in a weird sort of way, the hang-up phone calls are satisfying, arent they? Although not so weird either, I guess. I hadnt thought of it until you mentioned it, but we used to get a lot of them....hmmmmmm they don't seem to happen anymore...of course it probably has something to do with the fact that I got caller id, although they used to come through with the name/number blocked.
Try to keep track of the positives instead of looking at the negatives. It sounds so obvious, but after all this nonsense, I think it's easy for us to keep looking for any little sign that things are headed south. Maybe writing down all of the good stuff somewhere (here or a personal journal) will help you focus on the positives. 
) about having doubts. You have gotten great advise here from everyone, as usual! And your last post has you heading in the right direction. Count your blessings, hon, always.
....I might say something like "what do you think about putting up a shed?" And I learned never to ask him such things when he is walking out the door. Also, I never call him back into the room after he has left it. He hates that.
. It is possible for you to get what you need without the direct questions and accusations. Hope this makes sense!
in my mind), that it was ok that I was upset, that he probably would be also, hugged me, told me he'd be home by noon, and we'd go to church and spend the evening together.... He came home about noon, came right to me and gave me kisses and nice warm hugs. I mentioned that I wasn't in tears this time, and he said "I appreciate that".....