Continuing Chronicles: Morphing into Red Hot Momma

[Nevanna]

Deb...

Your H is acting perfectly normal for your situation.

My H gets mad at me when I get "too upset." Actually, he told me the other day that he feels like, when I cry on him, that I'm "throwing it in his face." (I have heard that phrase sooo many times it makes me want to puke!) Heh. If I wanted to, I could say a lot of horrible stuff. But I'm an adult, it wouldn't really help me, and quite honestly, it wouldn't really make me feel any better. We just went 'round this one last night.

I'm betting he still can't face what he's done yet. You getting upset or anxious only reminds him of how much he's hurt you. And it makes him feel like a bad person. So he's retreating...or, the defensiveness is coming across as anger. (I actually used to do this myself.)

I'm not saying he doesn't feel bad. He just hasn't come to terms with it all yet himself. And that usually doesn't happen until he's completely and totally disconnected from OW. Which, as we all know, can be a nasty process.

Okay, now that I've taken a stab at what might be going on with your H, you, BTW, are acting perfect normal as well.

It's okay to be insecure and needy. Doesn't mean you have to act on it. But try to watch that fine line between pushing him away and getting the reassurance that you need. He may not be able to give you everything yet, because he may be just emotionally drained. (Guys retreating into their "cave" and all that stuff.)

And BTW...after H's whole nonsense about me "throwing it in his face" and how I never let him forget...late last night he broke down, couldn't quit crying, and kept asking me to forgive him. Sometimes I think he blames himself more than I blame him, and that's why he's so sensitive when I get upset.

I think these guys need to feel safe and secure before that barrier gets broken through to let the guilt out. Know what I mean? I push too hard, and H retreats. I relax, and he'll crack a little more. It's a weird little dance, but hopefully we're moving forward with it.

So...if you're not getting the attention you need, maybe you need some "you" time. It always helps me feel better. Remember, it's not entirely up to your H to make you feel better...and some point you will know when it's okay to let go and feel safe again. (And I bounce around, back and forth, a lot... )

It's perfectly normal for you to be sensitive around "trigger" activities on his part. (I have this weird thing with H going to the gym without me, and I have no idea why...).

And yes, I understand the whole bomb-day anniversary anxiety. (The first bomb-day in our sitch was last year, about a week into October.) I had it, too. Somehow things I hadn't thought of in awhile and had thought I was past just came back up again.

Just take a deep breath, and realized that it's a process...it takes time...and you will feel better.

And I agree, I don't think your H is really going to leave you for OW.

Just take it one day at a time. (And remember how much better things are now than they were six months...a year ago...)

[debcb]

Hi Pamila, Yep, you're right, her name is Donna.
I wouldnt be surprised if she is doing all kinds of weird things to suck him back in....I don't remember if I posted here or not, but evidently she threatened suicide a lot this past summer and really pitched a fit when we went on vacation the end of June (after she dumped him, and all his tears, sheesh. talk about manipulation).

yes, you are right about Satan, my mom and MIL have mentioned this to me several times, my mom especially that he is working on ME by trying to get me to give up....sometimes things take such weird twists that I think it has to be the devil after me. I need to pray more, certainly cant do that to much!

[debcb]

Thanks Nevanna, you are one sharp cookie. We are all amazingly predictable in going through this stuff, arent we? I find it really difficult right now, just real hard to not think the other shoe is going to drop and that he'll be back with her AGAIN. Of course just a week ago he was bringing it up in a teasing way....what a roller coaster! it is enough to make me urp!

On the other hand, you gave me a really good reminder about how different things are...Frankly they are night and day from what they were a year ago....even 6 months ago. If I stop and think about it, it's almost hard to believe how much much better they are. Thanks for reminding me of that!

[trustinginHim]

Hi Deb,

Mostly I lurk on your thread, but have never realized how eerily similar our situations are until I read your post for today. Mind if I take a moment to commiserate with you?

Saturday is the one year anniversary of MY bomb. October has always been my favorite month of the year and now for the rest of my life, it will forever be tarnished with the news I learned one year ago. My bomb anniversary is also one of my best girlfriend's birthday. Sigh. I am so ready for the day that it ONLY becomes her birthday again and all this is forgotten.

As I read your post, I recognize so much of the same things I am also going through right now.

My H is also pleasant and considerate, occasionally fun to be around, but there is no romance (read as intimacy) whatsoever in our R. When romance is addressed, I get the same excuses as you do--that he is simply worried about work, that he's incredibly behind because of all the time he spent goofing off from work for over a year and a half (he will admit to the goofing off, but he WON'T admit that the time was spent with OW), is getting in trouble for it from his superiors AND his employees (his superiors want oodles of work from him and his employees want to continue to goof off while he wants them to work now) and is afraid he won't get his promotion.

I try to offer as much support as I can to him in any way that I can and I hope that it is doing something for him, but the best thing I can do for me is to "drop the rope." Sometimes I have to wonder how healthy that is for us too. I struggle with letting my H be and letting go and letting God. How long do I do this? Is is imperative to set a timeline up or do I simply continue to let things go? When do I start asking for what I want? I have tried it once and it caused a big blowup between us and subsequently my requests were ignored, because in his opinion one request was a bad idea (blocking OW's emails, which I think is a fair request) and my request for more intimacy was agreed with, but quickly forgotten. So that is what I got for attempting to ask for what I wanted. Mostly I was hurt all over again. I think if you send another letter at this point, it will not be a good idea, IMHO.

And neither do I want to go back to the way things were before as you described: distant, cordial but not passionate....just kind of blindly trudging through life. But it seems that is what we are doing. Perhaps it is a necessary stage in the healing process before we can move on to the next better level. Am I fooling myself thinking that? Probably, but for now, I am going to consider this a healing stage for the both of us and will continue to be still.

So I am in that same weird place emotionally you are today. Since so many of us are experiencing this same phase, does that mean it might be normal in this process? I hope so. My counselor told me that it is going to take a long, long, long time for us to heal. I just have to remember to remain patient in the healing process.

Pamila and Nevanna--your words helped me immensely today. Thank you!!

Blessings,
LG

[MovingForward]

deb:

Something that popped into my head a few days ago. H and I were in bed and once again the thoughts came. Was it really just a ONS? Is it true he hasn't seen her since then? Is it true that she has called a few times and he has never once called her. I felt the questions on the tip of my tongue and almost woke him up to ask him and then I stopped myself. What would it accomplish? He has already answered these questions. Is it going to make me feel any better to repeat it or am I just going to question it again a few days from now? I know what I am looking for - absolute proof that he is not lying. I am never going to get it. I decided not to ask again. I decided to focus on his actions. His actions are not of a man who is cheating. His actions are of a man who is trying to set things right. No he doesn't always do the right thing but he is trying.

I have been following your sitch and your H seems to be trying just as my h is.

Just a thought.

[sage]

Deb -- Been where you're at right now.. Even VERY recently (despite it being almost 2 years since bomb dropping)

Here are some of the recent posts on my thread after h and I had a HUGE fight recently:

Took your advice. Apologized. Ask for input on what happened. His response was familiar -- that he scewed up (affair) but that he feels like I may forgive him but never forget it and that he will never forgive himself and he doesn't want to look back in 20 years and regret staying married. That he feels like it will always be something between us and that he doesn't want to live his life that way.

Claims that I'm fooling myself if I think I can get over it. Thinks it's the "devil I know" that keeps me here.

We talked a fair amount. Says my desire for more closure (thru conversation) just hurts him -- he doesn't want to talk or even think about the affair. Says that he knows he was the one who planted the landmines, etc.

I don't know how to "convince" him that we won't end up in a similar sitch to last night because I'm not sure it's true...I'm trying as hard as I can to manage my insecurities, etc. I don't think it's a neverending proposition but he doesn't want to hear that.

******************
Some thoughts from our fight...use these to help refine goals/areas to focus...

1. h believes that I will never trust him again ("I KNOW you. You will NEVER trust me again")

2. h believes that I have forgiven him but that I haven't forgotten and that the A is in the forefront of my mind

3. h says that he doesn't think he will ever forgive himself

4. h says that my desire to talk about the A is counter to his desire NOT to talk about it. He said that I ASSume that I will gain more HEALING than he will "lose" in the discussion.

5. h wanted to hear the reasons why I still wanted to be M to him...this actually seemed like a very big part of the conversation

6. h said he thinks I've defaulted to the "devil" I "know" (doesn't feel CHOSEN)

7. h said that he couldn't imagine us ever apart -- that I am part of his DNA

8. H asked to hear praise for how hard he's been working -- to hear appreciation for the good stuff that he's been doing for our M (WOA?? My h? )

9. h was definitely struggling with physical pain and his actions were definitely clouded by that

10. h doesn't want to "pay" for this for the rest of his life

11. Part of "trust" to h means not only that I believe in his fidelity but also that I "trust" him as he is ("unconditional love")

12. h said that his fear was that he'd go merrily along only to hit "landmines" because of something he said or did that triggered the A in my mind. It seems like the unpredictability is a BIG factor for him (would it help to be more clear with him about what my triggers are?). He used the word "LANDMINE" quite a bit

If your sitch is anything like mine the insecurities WILL come and go for a while...the fear that they're still together, etc...I've mostly tried to explore any and every outlet before going to h for reassurances...it just doesn't work that well in my sitch (particularly if I'm in high anxiety mode)...look for the positives and actions that support that h is "doing the right thing" and take excellent care of yourself..both of those things seem to help me.

Sage

[debcb]

Hi Lost Girl,
thanks for jumping in, it's good to "talk" to you...
Our sitchs are a LOT alike arent they? right down to the time frames, I noticed you even "joined" the bb about the same time I did. I hope you are right that it is a stage of the healing process, but I'm kind of thinking it has to be, because I also hear a lot of similar things here.

I find it interesting about the work situations going down the tubes. i know the contributed to h'S, he's been here 16 years and always been one of the top performers....all of a sudden that just "tanks"??? me thinks not! I don't know if I ever posted here, but H mentioned a few weeks ago that OW had to meet with the HR director about her job performance, but that a corrective action plan hadnt been done. So, OW's performance must have tanked as well. I can't say mine's been what it was, but maybe I've not been as far off....
H also mentioned that you can't take vacation if you're on corrective action or probation....I don't know how he'd know that, I didn't even know that...so maybe they've put OW on something....oh darn, the poor baby.

I am struggling big time with the issues of WHEN and HOW to ask for what I need.....I MUST be able to do that...I'm NOT going to go back to the "same old same old"....I just don't know When I get to do that??????obviously it wasnt this morning duh. I have to admit that was poor timing on my part. I don't know HOW long we keep letting things slide....My only consolation is what MF mentioned earlier, to remember how far we have come in the last year and 6 months. That truely is HUGE and gives me some hope to cling to.

I can't see that this roller coaster has slowed down much at all.

[debcb]

thanks again, Moving Forward.

I know what I am looking for - absolute proof that he is not lying. I am never going to get it. I decided not to ask again. I decided to focus on his actions. His actions are not of a man who is cheating. His actions are of a man who is trying to set things right. No he doesn't always do the right thing but he is trying.

I have been following your sitch and your H seems to be trying just as my h is.

I hadnt thought of this but you are right, his actions do seem to indicate that he's trying to make things right. I run into problems with not asking. Honestly for the most part I don't, but sometimes I just do need some reassurance. I'm trying to get past that, but after "stuffing" it for so long to get to this point, some times it just comes out, it seems.

And of the course, there's that part of me that way down deep thinks, "I've worked so hard and been so patient and understanding, the least he can do now is give me what I need".........hmmmmmmmm....therein lies much of the problem I believe. Frankly it does seem like the least he can do, and if he isn't willing to do that, why not? I have no clue of the answer to that one.

[debcb]

Thanks Sage, I read some of these posts on your thread earlier....It helps to know you've experienced some of the same feelings and anxieties, helps a lot, because I've always looked at you as one of those folks who really has this DBing stuff figured out! It even helps to know that asking for reassurance doesnt work very well in your sitch. I'm going to focus on your and other's suggestions to look for the actions that indicate that he's doing "the right thing" and renew some efforts to take care of me. I gotta maintain that focus to get through this ride!

[debcb]

I almost overlooked a big positive in all my anxiousness.
H has started to sleep in just his undershorts so that we can snuggle "skin to skin". This is his own doing, although I commented once it was nice. He holds me A LOT in the night...this is new, within the last 2 - 3 months. I remember when I used to long for this. Now I often get woke up at night by him putting his arm around me and snuggling up against me or asking to do that or asking me to snuggle up to him. It's nice, I truely treasure it. A few months ago I would have never dared to hope that I could have this....so I guess anythings possible, and this is a big "anything" that I shouldnt overlook. Even last night I know I woke up 3 times with him holding me...maybe thats part of his frustration, maybe he feels like that should be enough reassurance.