Thanks Slowly, I think you're absolutely right about not expecting too much too soon, and focusing on our selves. I need to keep reminding myself of that. Although I do need to keep up efforts "speak" in H's LL's, more and more I am coming to understand that a lot of where I went wrong before......
I've not had much time to post lately, things are so busy. But, H seems to be closer this week after I felt he was more distant. weird, How I just get those feelings.
He is beginning to joke with me some about OW. I think that's good, from the standpoint that in order to be able to joke about it, he has to be giving up some of the emotional investment.
Tuesday was his long 12-hour day here in the home office where OW works. I finally finished up my list of 110 things I adore about him, laminated it, put it in an envelope and stuck it in his mailbox before I left for the evening (OW saw me put it there, I'm surprised he got it!)........He emailed me that he loved it and appreciated it, that it was creative and original, although a list of 100 things she loved to do with him had been done before. I emailed him back that it irritated me to know she beat me to my ideas...he emailed back that he was sorry, he was just teasing, and he truely did treasure it. This morning he told me it was a year ago this past July that she gave him that, when things were really "hot" (before I even knew about the A). It's a tremendous relief to me when he discloses these tidbits, and I find they come more easily now. I have to believe that means he a)hurts less from the breakup and b)feels more comfortable talking to me.
I still have my rough moments, but I think I'm making progress. Continuing to focus on what I need to accomplish personally and building "good stuff" into our M and home life seem to be the keys. I now know for sure that WOA has to be one of H's top LL's, and he was STARVING for it, even from childhood...that's how OW got her ugly foot in the door. I certainly intend to make sure that never happens again.
If only it hadnt taken me all these years to learn this! Duh!
Quote: finally finished up my list of 110 things I adore about him, laminated it, put it in an envelope and stuck it in his mailbox before I left for the evening (OW saw me put it there, I'm surprised he got it!)........He emailed me that he loved it and appreciated it, that it was creative and original,
Oho - I'm gonna steal this idea - maybe something for NG's birthday which comes up mid Nov - what a super thought
Quote: although a list of 100 things she loved to do with him had been done before. I emailed him back that it irritated me to know she beat me to my ideas...he emailed back that he was sorry, he was just teasing, and he truely did treasure it. This morning he told me it was a year ago this past July that she gave him that, when things were really "hot" (before I even knew about the A). It's a tremendous relief to me when he discloses these tidbits, and I find they come more easily now. I have to believe that means he a)hurts less from the breakup and b)feels more comfortable talking to me.
Deb - sharing these little bits with you is truly a gift - you are so right, it does mean he is more comfortable. Well done, you
Now, have you heard from BnB lately? I hope she is OK. Slowly
I believe we are going to make it, but I still struggle with worry that H will go back to OW....things are generally very good between us, although I want to ramp up the romance, and need to to get the KLA tapes....
I find that I'm having a hard time letting go of the hurt and anguish and distrust. maybe I'm expecting too much of myself too soon, next week will be the first anniversary of "the bomb", and it hasnt yet been 2 months since H told me it was over w/OW....
We were off work yesterday, butI had a hard time because H went to do paper work in the morning, and got home later than he said he would. This is the first time he's gone to work on the weekend since he told me "it" was over, and I knew it would be tough. I'm sorry to say I was in tears by the time he came in. He was very apologetic, and I believe he did go to try to catch up on paper work, as his annual review is next week and he's worried about it. His manner is also different than it was when he was going to see the b---h. I just still have a hard time, probably compounded by the fact that he was gone Friday to a workshop, and next week's "bomb"anniversary. Yesterday morning before he left, he told me he loved me more than ever, and sounded like he meant it....last night I asked him if he still sees her, and he said "no, why?" and it's hard to describe but he sounded sincere. I asked if he still calls, he said no, said she occasionally ????emails him, just a "hi" type of thing, but I sure don't like that. I asked if he still misses her alot, and he said "sometimes"....I told him I hoped the day would come when he'd be happy enough with me that he wouldnt feel that way. He said "the two are completely unrelated, I am happy with you".... This morning before work he told me my hair looked nice, which is unusual....but I can live with hearing it!
I got an email from him this morning that he's really busy, has several emergencies coming in, and is praying for a cancellation so he can get his paperwork done and not have to do it on the weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know paper work is a problem for clinicians, but I just have such a hard time still because that is when he used to go see ow.
He did say he loved me in the email, and that he needed some snuggle time tonight. He is loving and fun and considerate, initiates ML every other day, and yet still I am so terrified he will go back to her.
I don't have a clue how to get past this. I don't think he understands the depth of the issue, and I dont' know how to get through to him with out alienating him/pushing him away.
I'm trying to just keep the focus on what works (making stuff good at home) but it still gnaws at me. He does seem to have a different attitude than when he was with OW, and certainly different than pre-bomb. I don't know how to describe it, just happier/more content. My mom even commented on it a couple of weeks ago.
Has anyone else dealt with this????? How did you get through it????? I really could use some ideas....
My dad had an affair with a co-worker 25 years ago. My parents divorced and then remarried each other a year later. I asked my mom how she got past the hurt. Her response was only time will heal you. You can't rush it. Day by day you will feel a little less hurt until one day its not there anymore. She said occasionally she still has triggers but there not as bad and they usually pass quickly.
I know its hard to be patient. Everyday I tell myself I just want to feel better already. We are just going to have to wait it out.
Dear Deb - I am in much the same phase that you are in, just finding it very difficult to believe that the affair is really over. I'm feeling myself put up walls just to avoid being hurt again, and things are strained as a result.
I like MF's note, it must just be time to heal. Thinking of you. Slowly
I am always thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
You are doing good work and I can tell by the way that you sound that things have settled down and are no where near as frantic as they were a few months ago.
Hard to realize that there are no guarantees, I think we always want to think that there will be a point when we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the A is OVER (and the companion thought that there will never be another A). But now we know that promises do get broken, but life does go on.
But we still keep looking for that assurance, realizing that anything is possible. We just don't ever want to get caught blindsided again, but I am not sure there is truly a way to prevent that.
Try to keep enjoying the moment, living in the moment, loving H for who he is not what he does. Loving him in spite of the fact that there are no guarantees of what tomorrow might bring.
Does any of this make sense?
I guess the collateral damage of the A is that we know too much to go back to our state of blissful naivete.
I love the replies you have gotten to your last post. Lots of good support! I especially love what Pam had to say. I think she's talking to you about faith. You've got to have it Deb....have faith. Faith in YOURSELF. You are doing the right thing. You are on the right path. Just keep your head high and keep going.
Yes, you have seen the ugly side of marriage but instead of letting it destroy you, make you bitter, you have been strengthen by this event. And hopfully, with time your marriage will be strengthen too. Time is the key.
Try to remember Deb that your reactions today will have an effect on tomorrow. We have all learned that through DB, right? I guess that you could think of your marriage like a garden...each positive response is a flower....each negative response a weed.
Every time you feel that overwhelming doubt and fear do something good for yourself........Plant a flower!
Hi you all, MF and Slowly and Pamila and Dawn...what would I do with out you?????you have such great insights to share, I'd never be able to stay anywhere near on track without you......
I've been so busy I havent been posting much lately, but wanted to tell you all I appreciate and need your support and suggestions....I'll update my sitch in a little bit.
I'm in a weird place emotionally, so frustrated and not sure what to do next, if anything. I think it may be very much what slowly's been experiencing.
I have a hard time believing that the A has ended....I've heard that story too many times before only to have it blow up in my face. So, I try to keep my hands off the rope but it is still tough.
H is pleasant and considerate (other than this morning, which I'll explain in a minute) and fun, but not as "romantic" as I saw there for a tiny bit....that's a disappointment, but maybe doesnt mean anything. He still seems, I believe, more "contented" and at ease at home.... Monday we were off work and he left to do "paperwork" he said....said he'd be home by noon or before, didnt get home till after 1....I did not do well with that at all....he said he was sorry, but did nothing to reassure me.
The anniversary of the bomb is this coming Monday. It is very unnerving to me for some reason. This morning I told H I needed some reassurance, and asked if he still calls her, he said "No!" and blew up that he was sick of this all the time, that if he was away from me and wanted to do something on his own I got anxious.......he was very angry, I just walked out of the room with out a word, left the house and came to work. About an hour later I got an email apologizing for being so cranky, that he wasnt feeling well (again) ...I emailed back that i was sorry for my part as far as being clingy, but the anniversary coming up was bothering me.
He responded that he knew he needed to spend time with me, that he is worried about work stuff, that he's behind on paperwork because of the new people he's had to train (yeah, that and all the time he spent goofing off with OW for over a year), is getting in trouble for it and is afraid he won't get his raise. absolutely no acknowledgement or mention of the bomb anniversary, or that anything might be amiss....
I am so frustrated. If the A is truely over and he really loves me, why does he get so angry?
Why do I have to ask him for reassurance? He, of all people, should know it's going to be needed.
On the other hand, I keep asking myself a weird question....why does it upset me so that he had/has an A?????????
I don't know the answers to any of this, and sure don't know what to do. I prefer having him in my life to not having him in my life....can't imagine life with out him.....BUT.... I DO NOT want to go back to the way things were before. distant, cordial but not passionate....just kind of blindly trudging through life.
I believe I have the right to ask for what I need, and if that includes reassurance, so be it. Throughout our marriage, I've tended to shove my needs under the carpet and not speak up about them....no more of that either. I guess I need to reread "asking for what you want" in DR....
BUT, the question haunts me, if I find out he's back in w/OW, what do I do now? Part of me is feeling like it's really finished with this game....another part of me feels like "get a grip, get a life, and let go until he gets over it".....
Yet still, maybe it IS over and it frustrates him to hear about it. Yet it's incredibly naive to think he can "skate" without having to deal with what happened on any level with me.
I don't know, I'm tired and frustrated and wish I could just crawl in bed today and pull the blankets over my head for a while.
I'm also confused again, he was so happy with "romance" and now again I hear this being thrown up about if he wants to do anything besides be with me ( I feel that's inaccurate, but then we all know the futility of challenging their point of view)that I can't handle it.
what do I do now? I've thought of writing him another letter, trying to explain that not asking for what I need didn't work before, and that I don't want him to feel stifled but I do need reassurance from him......
I'm clueless as usual........somebody got some guidance or even a 2 X 4??????
