Interesting observation here, Slowly and Nevanna. H seems to be really wanting to forget this ever happened as well. I'm kind of surprised how quickly he seems to be getting over it, I guess that's good, except that I still have nagging fears that it will flare back up.
You commented that you let yourself feel things, Nevanna. What do you mean by that? (I'm having a "duh" day!)
I think the wanting to forget is a common theme. My H also told me he just wanted to forget the ONS and the whole separation ever happened. I wish I could just stuff it in some little compartment in my mind and forget all about it but unfortunately I'm not wired like that. Maybe its a guy thing?
Well, if you think about it, they're just doing what we were all doing a few months ago--namely, trying to function. The "act as if." I used to "try not to think about it" just to get through the day. I bet that's exactly what these guys are doing. The whole thing, all at once, is too much to deal with. I know my H hurt himself as much, if not more, than he did me.
IMHO, they're going through the same stages...just a little delayed. Sooner or later, they *will* have to deal with it in order to heal. I guess they could be dealing with it differently, since they're guys, but I'm not convinced. (And we have the BB here for support! What do they have?)
Which is what I mean by "letting myself feel." I'm tired of boxing up my emotions. I have to go through them to get rid of them, so that's what I'm doing. I'm not saying that I let them run my life! Just saying I let myself feel them. I've had some very good, heatlhy cries the last month or so...the kind where I'm actually releasing all that hurt, not just feeling stuck in it. Does that make sense?
Anyway, I came to the realization that it's going to be a long process. I read somewhere it takes about two years for the worst of the feelings to fade. When I began to think of it that way, I quit putting so much pressure on myself to "feel okay." If I don't feel okay, that's fine to. But I'm not "punishing" H for it--I just tell him I'm feelng a little insecure, and ask for a hug and some reassurance.
And once I quit "trying to feel okay"--I actually kind of did.
So I guess, I'm not trying to wallow in pity, but I'm also being realistic in that I'm going to feel upset at times. Does that make any sense?
I agree with the letting the emotions come out. If I feel like I want to cry, then I just have a big bawling cry by myself and get it out. If I feel angry then I stomp around and get it out. I always feel much better after. I read somewhere that if you are feeling crappy about the A one day you should just put a picture of your H on the bed and beat the snot out of it in order to release the emotions. I haven't tried this yet but I'm sure I will eventually.
LOL! I like your suggestions. I've never done that before... One night I did have a really good run at the gym. Pushed like I had never pushed before.
When I get angry, I don't know...I hate being angry. I just think through the angry thoughts until they go away. Those bother me the least. It's when I start crying and feel insecure that it's the worst. Usually just being around H makes me feel better.
I guess I'm just tired of burying my feelings/problems. I really think that's part of the reason we wound up in the mess we did.
Well you made my day again! I have been ill this week. Nothing terribly serious. My H has made a point of taking care of me. I think it's very nice and I make sure to tell him so. He's been taking me to doctors (oooo, I hate going) and picking up food for me, etc.
We did have an incident a while ago. We were plugging along for a while when H suddenly went back into the tunnel of MLC. Oh man, I started to feel all those aweful powerless feelings but (so proud here) only for an instant. No tears, no trying to reason with him, I simply told him that I would be seeing an attorney and let him know what would be coming next. I had no expectations....none. And then, viola, H seemed to straighten right up. That's been about a month and a half ago. I did in fact see an attorney that day and then went shopping! (Felt so much better.)
I have been thinking that I should post to my own thread and get some greatly needed advice about getting him to counseling. He has promised but nothing yet. I know that it will not help to push....ugh.
Anyway, hope that this is making sense, pain meds and all! I'll check in again tomorrow. Thanks for the smile Deb!
No time to post, but thought I'd check in so I can do so more easily tomorrow. Kind of a weird weekend, H seemed a little distant, but I got an I love you email today, although he's talking about having to work on some weekends which of course just puts my anxiety over the top....I'm going to try to talk to him about it tonight. I think at this point I cant live with my head in the sand much longer, I need to know if the anxiety is "just me" or if it's realistic, if that makes sense.
Hey Deb - Sorry I missed your birthday - belated greetings Gosh, quite a few Libras here...
Do you remember Talista? I recall she saying that even after all these months, she remembers everyday. I think we just need to be prepared for a long 'piecing' journey..
I finally have a few minutes to post....where to start. Weekend was pretty uneventful as far as H, but D & SIL moved 8 hours away, we helped them pack and saw them off, and it was VERY emotional for all of us, I'm still teary as I type this. I felt like H was kind of distant from me, and I responded by being "kind of" anxious and clingy . I think part of that is all that's been going on, part of it is rebound from the A, I'm certain. At one point H commented that I was clingy....I apologized for being that way, and he said, well, you've had a lot to deal with, turning 50 one week and D leaving the next (no mention of his part, though)
Not much talk of OW, but she is really weird when I see her. last night I happened to get on the freeway right behind her, and she immediately stepped on the gas, the woman had to be going at least 20 miles over the speed limit.
H is really horny, I havent initiated ml because he does it before I get a chance. I can't complain about that.
I find myself really at loose ends after being focused for so long on getting him to recommit. I am not at all sure how to proceed from here. I want us to build a NEW and GREAT M together...but not sure how to start....Any one have any ideas? Are the KLA tapes here geared to that?
I am also having a hard time with trust, and accepting that the A is really over, and I must admit a great deal of my anxiety and clingyness comes from that. I've decided I need to ask H for what I want/need, but it is difficult and delicate...last night in conversation he told me he hasn't had any communication w/OW for "several weeks", whatever that means. That she was called into talk to the HR director for not doing her job (hMMMMMMMMMMM, am I surprised) but that a corrective action plan hasnt been done yet. If she got fired, I don't know if it would be better or worse. As a nurse, that's a high demand profession in this area,so she'd probably not have much trouble finding something else. I'd feel sorry for her poor D, though. enough focus on OW....
This morning I told H that I still needed reassurance, and asked if the other thing was really over...he looked exasperated, and said "yes, I believe it is"....whatever that means. I didnt go into detail about what would be reassuring to me at the time....just wanted to brooch the subject. I told him again I was sorry for my anxiety, then added "but from what I've read, it's normal" and he said "yes, I know it is"....of course he does, he does marital counseling, for heavens sake. but, it was good to hear him admit it, now we'll see where things go.
I got an email from him this morning, telling me to be careful driving today (have to go out of town)...emailed him back a mushy one, and he responded warmly although not mushily.
I've been reading threads although not posting much...it seems that Slowly and Sage are dealing with much the same stuff......helpful thoughts there.
I'm going to try tracking what I do to meet H's LL as Sage is doing, seems like a place to start. Other than that, I need to give some thought to how to regroup and set some new goals.
and, oh yeah, maybe I need to just keep my hands off the rope and remember to focus on putting fun in our lives/making home the best place to be. That in itself seems to go a long way.
Hi Deb - I find myself struggling with trust too We probably need to continue to be kind to ourselves, and not expect too much too soon. Learn to live with the unresolved.
I'm finding it easier to focus on myself for now, continue connecting with my friends. NG seems to relax more when I'm not so intense about 'us'. Oh and the being horny - I get that too. I think its their comfort zone on the re-connection
Sooner or later, they *will* have to deal with it in order to heal. I guess they could be dealing with it differently, since they're guys, but I'm not convinced. (And we have the BB here for support! What do they have?)
Just saying I let myself feel them. I've had some very good, heatlhy cries the last month or so...the kind where I'm actually releasing all that hurt, not just feeling stuck in it. Does that make sense?
I'll check in again tomorrow. Thanks for the smile Deb!
. I think part of that is all that's been going on, part of it is rebound from the A, I'm certain. At one point H commented that I was clingy....I apologized for being that way, and he said, well, you've had a lot to deal with, turning 50 one week and D leaving the next (no mention of his part, though)
We probably need to continue to be kind to ourselves, and not expect too much too soon. Learn to live with the unresolved.