I dunno, Z, but I do know ONE thing - it's absurd for you to not be living your life just because you're afraid he won't fit into it when he gets there! Go take that yoga class, for Pete's sake! Do charity work! Take a jewelry-making class. Something!
And maybe contact one of those tv shows that help you finish renovating your house????? TLC or HGTV, maybe?
Hey zero- My parents run a homeless men's shelter program in Denver if you want some charity work to do. They are always looking for extra hands, esp around the holiday times to help cook meals and such.
I guess it is a little more complicated than I had indicated. I do have several options to consider if it comes to things I could do to get out of the house. Certainly money is a factor since I am paying rent on a duplex and a mortgage, so volunteer activities would be one way to go. As it is I volunteer once a week to “teach” (I don’t actually understand the language) Italian to a self-study group once a week. I try to get over to my parents’ house one weeknight, primarily to let them know I care. I also try to go over for a longer visit on one weekend day. They think it’s so I can do laundry (which is a benefit), but again it’s more for the purpose of making myself available.
Unfortunately during the times that I am working, teaching or spending time with my parents, my dog is alone. The dog is not welcome at my parents house, because they hate the whole fur and paw print thing. He is also alone all day while I’m at work… since we’re renting a duplex without the benefit of a dog door so that he can neither relieve himself nor entertain himself with the neighborhood goings on.
I don’t think I mentioned it before, but my older dog (the one I use as an avatar) passed away this summer, shortly before my younger dog (Rocket) made the move to live with me here. Rocket is our problem child, fraught with problems that have over the years been whittled down to a very bad heart condition and an aggressive fear of other dogs. (It took six months to get peaceful coexistence with our older dog.)
Anyway, for a dog with his nervous disposition, he has handled a lot of changes in a small amount of time. First, the loss of Zero’s companionship, then the change in address, which accompanied by the loss of my husband’s companionship (H is home all day and Rocket worships him) and the loss of access to a dog door. I make an effort to take him out for his abbreviated (because of the heart condition) play time, but I usually leave the house at sun up and am not back until after dark. Short version, is that it’s unkind to leave him alone as much as I do.
I suppose I could work on making friends to entertain at home, (again these would be my friends who have no relationship with H) but we’re in a duplex that is even smaller (I never imagined it possible) than our old house. I actually have to move the coffee table depending on whether I want to sit or walk in the living room. I think that if H were here, it might be possible to go out and make friends or have activities, because the dog would have some companionship during the day. If H got a job and/or we sold the house (which literally does not have a bathroom at this moment) then I think we could afford to get some professional help for Rocket… either daily dog walking or I’ve seriously been considering putting him in a very expensive socialization class, so that he might be able to handle multiple dog situations.
Indeed, if we buy a house out here (again depending on selling the house and H having a job) then we would definitely have a dog door for him and would absolutely consider getting a companion for him, given the provision that he doesn’t attempt to kill his new companion.
My H doesn’t exactly have a heavenly situation in KC. He has to live with his creepy, overbearing brother, and he spends his entire days alone… much like I spend my entire nights alone… working on an empty house. He doesn’t see that he has the option of spending time with people he knows well, nor does he seem to get that they would actually help him if he asked. Whenever I bring that up, he gives me lots of excuses about how difficult it is to “plan” ways for other people to help. He doesn’t realize that he’s making a choice, and he really believes that this situation is completely out of his control. Just like teaching someone else’s cat to use a cat flap was something he was compelled (by whom I don’t know) to do, rather than spending that time buying duct work for the bathroom.
I know I’ve made a choice to spend time with my dog and to limit my activities until my H gets here, but I’m not entirely sure that it’s worth it. Heck, I’m not entirely sure that there is really an end in sight.
If we had a bathroom, if my husband moved out here, if my husband had a job, if we bought a house… there’s a lot of ifs between now and the ideal. Personally, I think my husband is just masochistic enough to continue chasing some future perfection and that the “ifs” could go on until he drops over dead.
Quote: Personally, I think my husband is just masochistic enough to continue chasing some future perfection and that the “ifs” could go on until he drops over dead.
I just loved that line. True, that.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
We spent Christmas together. It wasn't all bliss. It wasn't even very Christmasy, with my decorations buried in storage, living in temporary housing. It just wasn't like Christmas at home.
All fury broke loose over the dog's missing medications. It didn't seem strange to me to think that my H had put them away someplace safe. As it is, he makes me keep one bottle out that I use every day, and a second "back up" bottle elsewhere, in case something happens (i.e. I screw up and lose them) to the every-day bottle. So why wouldn't I think that the new batch of pills is just in one of his safe (i.e. away from me) places. He thought this was a monumental breakdown in communication and common sense that I wouldn't mention to him that I didn't know where the new pills were at. He also insisted that I must have done something since I unpacked and seperated the seemingly sacred "dog box" when we moved. All I can say is that he showed me one of the pills one day, and that I never saw the bottle again. We opened nearly every box in storage looking for them, while he alternated between bawling me out and occassional self-doubt, and I alternated between defensiveness and trying to get him to accept that the pills were just misplaced and it's not the end of the world. (It's a major pain to get the pills and possibly the pills are irreplaceable, because our dog is only compatible with a particular medication that is going to be discontinued, but it's not the end of the world.) At any rate, we ground our teeth about it for about a week, and when he got back to KC, sure enough he had taken them back there with him. Of course, then he was very worried that he's losing his mind. I reminded him that the move has been very confusing, and that the important thing is that he did put the pills in a safe place so that the dog has his medication. I also reminded him that he did yell at me alot about what I must have done with the pills, and he apologized for that, which I appreciated.
We talked about D again on the last day he was here. He's all into how incompatible we are, and I had to be frank that in retrospect I wasn't so sure that it was smart of us to not go through with the D. I also don't think that now, in the middle of all of this mayhem -- living in two cities, renovating the house, trying to achieve a move --is not the time to make a decision on divorcing. He disagrees, saying that the difficulties we are having in being happy with the relationship at this time, just underscores how we are not "on the same page." I can't imagine how we're supposed to be on the same page, when we're not even in the same city. For all intents and purposes he has his mission, his social life, his daily activities... and I have mine. How could we possibly see eye-to-eye, when we don't really know what the other person is enduring every day? I openly admit that I don't fathom exactly how hard it is to inspire himself to get out of bed every day, drive to an empty house and work alone on a seemingly endless project. Perhaps in some romantic movie a man might be so head-over-heels in love that he would walk through fire every day to be with the woman he loves, but for whatever reason (lack of love or lack of romantic idealism or pure dread that he may have to come live with me) he doesn't feel inspired to kick the project into high gear. For my part, I'm impatiently biding my time, waiting for my husband to come out here so we can have an actual marriage, shared activities, a home that we both pick, friends that we meet together. Besides, we've already tried having him fit in with my friends and my interests and it was a total disaster. He can't stand most of my friends and he absolutely despises everything I find most intersting. Fortunately, I'm a curious person, so I can actually take an interest in his interests.
He's all wound up that I'm only learning to ski because of him. When I say that I enjoy it, he says I don't enjoy it so much that I'd do it if it weren't for him. So that's true, but then he says that I am good for him because I push him to go outside of his comfort zone and meet new people and do new things that actually turn out to be fun for him. And how is that different than me learning to ski. Ha! I won that round.
I had to concede the round in which he said that we simply don't agree on having children. I told him quite frankly that it may be that having children may be more important to me than having him. Realistically, though, I'm almost 40 so even if he does divorce me the chances of me finding a suitable father and bearing a child are increasingly slim. So his idea of being noble and letting me go find some suitable and willing father of my children is little more than a fine, but futile gesture.
Ultimately, H said that he doesn't want a D, which suprised and touched me. (I always imagine he has one foot out the door.) And as much as I have grown to think that it may be a practical alternative, I made a vow for life and keeping the integrity of that vow is sacred to me. I concluded that the only solution left was to figure out how to be happy with the life we have.
Another thing that rather surprised me was that H actually gave real consideration to my proposal that perhaps he didn't think he was worthy of me. Fundamentally H thinks he's a bad person (heck, it's the first thing his father said to me when I met my then-to-be future in-laws)and he thinks I'm a nice person (too nice). Probably even more significant to him is that during his military career he really accepted the idea that he was expendable... that it is his job to sacrifice for others, but not to receive himself. I thought the idea in the military was more like sacrificing for one another and depending upon one another... well his tough luck to have me in love with him, because that's how it works in my military. In the end it was a pretty good talk, especially since it didn't end with us getting divorced... though I probably expressed some doubts that I shouldn't have expressed. I would have been devastated if he'd said those things to me, I don't understand how he took it so well. Buona notte! --z
Life is still in limbo. I've been in CO for over a year now and still no H. We signed a second six month lease, which was completely demoralizing. We had a huge fight about where the dog would be happiest, and resolved that neither of us is in a situation that is good for the dog, nor will we be until we sell the house in KC and buy something out here. After I ordered the paperwork to get a home equity loan and threatened to come out there for a week to interview contractors myself, he broke down and promised to be living with me by my birthday this summer.
I told him I'd hang onto the the loan papers, just in case. He is certain that him doing the renovations himself (at his obsessively, meticulous snail's pace) is the only way we'll realize enough gain from the house to buy a new one in Colorado. While I think he's right, I did point out that there is a lot more at stake than a down payment on a house. Simply put, we can't continue like this and call it a relationship, and I'm just plain tired of being without a future.
Nasty bit of business with the Italian organization. I won't go into details here, because it just doesn't matter. Suffice it to say, the organization is dissolving, amid much turmoil. While my conscience is clear. I was already prepared to let it go when my term ended yesterday, so it was needlessly troublesome and I think there are many innocent bystanders who may pay the price for the impetuousness of a few people. Time will tell the truth and I wish them all the very best luck.
I'm still running an Italian group in Colorado and leading a self-study group. My Italian has improved a great deal, but I won't be able to make much of it until I get myself to school in Italy. (Right after I pay all my bills and buy a house.) (sigh)
My job has been going great. Or I should say that I'm doing fantastic work, and earning the respect of my superiors and peers. Most of my peers anyway, there is one fantastically talented new employee who seems to be gunning for my job. She is talented enough that one day (not in the near future) she will surpass me, no doubt, but for now I am unconcerned... only annoyed at having a constant target on my back.
There is one thing in my life that is going well and it is my job. When I walk into my 10x10 gorgeous office every day, I am the subject matter expert, the go to person, the provider of "tea and sympathy," a discrete confidant, a reliable ally, a trusted advisor, and am generally well-liked. It's great to be me as long as I'm at work. At night, I return to my box filled apartment to curl up on the couch and provide companionship to my very lonely dog (or perhaps it's the other way around). Somehow I still manage to sympathize with this young lady (who is happily married with a child and a modest home) who really only wants to get ahead, and doesn't realize that she isn't ready yet and that she will be ready someday. I feel so old.
Just got done chatting with H. We get to see eachother for 20 minutes tomorrow, between me picking him up at the airport and him dropping me off at work. Then I'm off on business travel. Kind of a bummer, but at least I'll have the rest of the week with him when I get back.
It's been a long time since the DB get-together at Virginia Beach with AG II and the rest. Been in lurking mode for a while now - not sure if I want to start a thread again.
Sorry you're in such a holding pattern right now and I wish I had some ideas for you. I am in a state of flux right now with job and other things but wanted to let you know that you haven't been forgotten. Let us know how your time with H went.
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Well, it's been a long time. Went to counseling with Michele...H lied. I moved to a nicer place. Dog died last year. Five plus years with H still stalling about moving out here. He's still stringing me along with hints that he's "almost done" with the renovations. Yesterday said he needed to know where we stand. I'm moving to WAW board.
I still like him, but I don't think I can live the rest of my life with him on his terms.
Sorry to hear about how things have been going. I've moved over to the Surviving side - you can check up if you wish. I remember the weekend that a number of us long timers (Mish, Leenie, Berto, MAL, et.al.) had in Virginia Beach back in 2003. Things haven't been finalized but I could really use some closure...
Bob
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
In the end it was a pretty good talk, especially since it didn't end with us getting divorced... though I probably expressed some doubts that I shouldn't have expressed. I would have been devastated if he'd said those things to me, I don't understand how he took it so well. Buona notte! --z 
