I think it's been me all along, but I’ve always been afraid to take that risk, to let people REALLY see me. I think I'm finding a new strength in me.
Was reading an article on R's in the new Oprah magazine (I rarely by her mag either), by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, an excerpt from their new book called "Receiving Love" which is due out in October. It just struck me like a bolt of lightening and will probably change my life, once again:
Our parents invariably rejected some aspects of us, either through criticism (don’t act that way) or inattention (ignoring, say, our anger or ambition, or even certain interests and talents). When this happens we split off those parts of ourselves and hide them in our conscious. But although we seal them off as dangerous and bad, they never go away, instead they form what Harville and LaKelly call a “missing self” "Over time we deny our needs and replace them with defenses. Then when someone values us, we have to reject him or her. To let ourselves be cherished for who we really are would be to violate our parent's edict that we are flawed, and to arouse our fear that if we do, feel, or think certain things, we'll be neglected and abandoned--in the most primal sense, left to die. So to receive love is to risk death. This drama plays out because the part of our mind that holds the parental injunction is timeless-today is the same as yesterday. None of this is conscious, but the bottom line is that we reject love in order to stay alive"
This is what I'm struggling with, trying to break free of this week, right now, today. It’s not that I didn’t know this, haven’t read it before, it just now makes sense, I get it. When I wrote that I had a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings out there for people to see I described it as a cringing feeling because I couldn't quite put a word to it, well the word is "dying", I wanted to run from myself, I wanted to die..it HAS now been brought to my consciousness, from deep within that feeling has been identified. It’s a physical ache, I’ve identified what it’s from and now have to push through that feeling or just let it be there and not let tha feeling keep me from being me. My self has been focussed inward for too long and now it's time to go outward. How will I do this? With the help of the Lord. I believe he has shown this to me, has given me this revalation and will give me the strength to no longer hold back and keep silent, rather gently show me the way to find my missing self, to let that self, my true self be who I am from this day forward.
I think too that this is where my H is stuck, in his childhood..I know MLC….it finally is clear to me. H will have to go back and confront those demons, those issues, just like I am doing now and put them to rest. It will take him time and my leaving him alone to find HIMSELF, letting go and letting God. I pray for H daily, to bring God into his life, for my H to find his missing self.
H was home late Saturday afternoon, however I did not know that as I was at my sister’s. As I was leaving my sister’s right about dark a friend of mine called to invite me over to her house to visit. I asked if she had called my house first and she said yes and that H answered and said he didn’t know where I was and that he had just returned after being gone for two weeks.
When we got home, S4 was SO excited and happy to see his dad, kept hugging him and just talked and talked. H said what time he had returned and mentioned that he had mowed the lawn. I said I just mowed it and he said it didn’t look like it. H has this new obsession with mowing the lawn, he used to complain all the time about it or should I say accuse me of never mowing. I do not mind mowing the lawn at all, we have a rider and who wouldn’t want to just sit and ride around for an hour..good thinking time. It’s kind of like he wants to do it BEFORE I can.
I saw some medicine on the counter and asked what it was for and why he was taking it? He said I always take medicine when I’m sick. Well long story short, he ended up in the hospital during his hunting trip. It was diagnosed as scardoisis and the lungs are the first area to be affected. He was having a hard time breathing and felt very agitated and could not sleep so he had his S20 and friend take him to the hospital. H was kept overnight and wanted to keep him another night, but my H being the stubborn man that he is, checked himself out and was told to get it checked when he got back home. More than likely he will have to spend some time in the hospital here as the doctor recommended a bioposy to determine the severity of the illness.
I told H that I had missed him and got the usual “yeah right” but I could tell he missed me and after S4 went to bed H and I had a good rest of the evening. Got up Sunday morning, went to breakfast, ran into my B and SIL, they were on their way to a car show, talked to them a bit and then came home. H had to take the fourwheeler back to his brother and S4 said that I could not come along, that he wanted to spend some time with his dad. S4 was in the truck and I was putting some stuff in there for MIL and S4 thought I WAS getting in and once again told me that I couldn’t come. S4 just wanted to be with his D all day, kept hugging him and saying he loved him. My H thought S4 was bored the whole time H was gone. I said S4 wasn’t bored, he just missed you a lot.
While they were gone I washed H’s hunting clothes and cleaned around the house. When they got back S4 was sleeping and H finished up the yard. We had dinner and H started a fire in our fake outdoor fireplace and we sat outside for a few hours. We had a good weekend.
Cathy P.S. No elk meat either it was very warm in Colorado.
Quote: Our parents invariably rejected some aspects of us, either through criticism (don’t act that way) or inattention (ignoring, say, our anger or ambition, or even certain interests and talents). When this happens we split off those parts of ourselves and hide them in our conscious. But although we seal them off as dangerous and bad, they never go away, instead they form what Harville and LaKelly call a “missing self” "Over time we deny our needs and replace them with defenses. Then when someone values us, we have to reject him or her. To let ourselves be cherished for who we really are would be to violate our parent's edict that we are flawed, and to arouse our fear that if we do, feel, or think certain things, we'll be neglected and abandoned--in the most primal sense, left to die. So to receive love is to risk death. This drama plays out because the part of our mind that holds the parental injunction is timeless-today is the same as yesterday. None of this is conscious, but the bottom line is that we reject love in order to stay alive"
Gee, after this weekend I have discovered a few things about myself. And like you when I read this quote, I too saw myself, knew all this but, reading the words brought it all to light.
Satn knows this is my greatest fear; to be abandoned. As soon as I would get a hint that my H, D's friends even leave a hint that they might abandon me I run and hide.
But, something has changed; I will never again be alone for the Lord is with me, along with my angels. So the fear is still there, but I'm going to leave those fears behind soon, for I'm on a new journey; a walk with the Lord!
As I tell people; you can go and sit in church, but that doesn't make you a follower. You have to have the Lord in your heart. Do you all understand? You can't just say I believe, you have to truely mean it deep inside. You can't say, I'm praying, you have to feel it inside.
Some pray for their spouse, period. And wonder why nothing is happening. Well, excuse me, but this is not just about getting your S back! This is walking in the path and doing what the Lord is telling you. Just following exactly what some one else does, doesn't mean you will get what they have.
We each have our own path, some of us are not listening to the Lord though. We do what we think is right, not what the Lord tells us. Or we are listening to well meaning others. Why? Did the Lord tell them what we should be doing?
I'm not praying and getting closer to the Lord to get my S back. Although, that is what the Lord has promised me.
In Luke 15 they talk about that one lost sheep. Well, I am that one lost sheep. I needed help, so I am getting closer to the Lord. Many of my prayers are being answered. And when they not answered right away, I'm patient, knowing that in His good time an answer will come to me.
This is all about our journey, to be where we need to be. We can pray for our S's, but we can't fix them. With the help of the Lord, they can be fixed. And our prayers are helping, believe me.
My D18 has been spending 2-3 nights every weekend with my H. The Lord directed me to a scripture, because I was upset about it. Now I'm not, because, this is where my D needs to be. She needs her father, but her father needs her more!
I can't tell you just how great our Lord is! I can't tell you how much I have grown lately! Thanks to Cathy and Laurie (Vinlad)! And most of all; my savior. For now He is my husband, until mine returns.
I'm standing, standing for my H's return. It doesn't matter if we end up D, I'm standing until I take my last breath!
Thanks for checking in on me. An update is due yet I just find it hard to compose my thoughts and put them to words, it’s a struggle.
H’s mood last this week was touch and go, push a button, come close, button push. Wednesday he was a no-show and it really wasn’t too surprising. H was gone for two week so I’m sure OW was pressuring and H ended up at OW’s and not coming home.
I was so peaceful though, nothing threw me and I slept the best that I had since H has been back. My H is gets up a few times during the night which usually wakes me, but not that night I slept great.
The next morning I get a call from my H, he’s in angry man mode . He was putting up hunting signs the night before, “it was hot, I didn’t’ have the right clothes on” and just No his other partners didn’t help H, but then H never asked them either. Then he asks me why I didn’t call him, did I call him at OW’s?! I said no, why would I call him, he’s the one who didn’t come home. Asked him if was going to his doc appt. at three, he said yes he was and then he had to get off the phone. H calls back is still , wants me to look up these websites the describe what he has and the symptoms and the meds that he is on, basically negative and I’m sure the OW printed these out for him. I too had been looking on the internet. But said to him, why don’t you wait until you see the doc before you start getting all upset he then says yes he says that, and and a second later says to me “I have an appointment to see a surgeon today at 1:30 meet me there” WHAT THE?! His doctor decided he didn’t need to see H and sent H directly to the surgeon. H was just kind of in a frenzy and after that came out seemed to calm down. The surgeon wants to take a biopsy of a lymph node that is swollen so until that is done and the results are back there’ no use worrying about what it is what it isn’t, it could be a number of things at this point. So we met with the surgeon, together, H wanted me there with him. Oh he didn’t come out and actually say the words, but in his roundabout mad at the world way he did. We need to schedule an appt for H to be in the hospital for a day which hasn’t been done at this point.
Had a great weekend together, went out to eat Friday night with S4. Friday I got home from work and there is an envelope in the mail addressed to my H, using a typewritten label with no return address…duhhh I mean how stupid does OW think I am. Earlier this summer OW sent him something and it was handwritten and H was surprised that I recognized her handwriting. H opened it and I said those same words to him and then I left the room. Found it in the trash, H had stuffed towards the bottom (I used rubber gloves to look for it), it was another article about the disease! I mean talk about fueling the fire, my H is nervous enough as it is about all of this and I have to counteract it all by not reacting.
Saturday morning H went fishing with a co-worker of OW’s. We also ran into C earlier this summer at a fair while we were together. C likes to fish and so does my H and they’re fishing together in a tournament this Saturday. C picked H up at our house and then when they got back, came in a for a bit. C seems like a nice guy, is married with a couple of kids. Went outside when they first got back, and said Hi to C, not sure how to describe the look in his eyes, of interest maybe?
H and I and another couple went to a tailgate/college football game and then out to dinner Saturday afternoon/evening we had a great time. I introduced my H to a number of co-workers, in the past I was really bad about not introducing my H to my co-workers. This is going to sound terrible but deep down I was embarrassed to be seen with H, but the embarrassment was about my own insecurities. However, THAT has all changed thank goodness. I want to introduce H to my whole world!!
I had a great time H wouldn’t say either way and I didn’t ask either. It felt so good to be with my H, we haven’t been out together with friends in well, I can’t even remember the last time. Told him I was happy he came and that I had a good time.
Yesterday I was reflecting on some things about my H. In the past he complained/whined that he didn't have any friends here. His hometown is where his lifelong friends are and this was a sore point, that we lived here and all my freinds/family were close by, but his weren't (less than an hour away). Well he has collected quite a few friends in the last year which does make me happy, brings me comfort. Takes the pressure off from me in a way, although my H still has a hard time with me going places without him, with friends, etc. It's his problem not mine, more of a control thing I'm guessing.
Today was very relaxing. H bought S4 a bow so S4 has been practicing shooting, he loves it. S4 and I went to my parents and got pumpkins and colored corn from H’s field, Sis and niece were there, also. What a sight when we got there, my sister was driving the tractor..we had such a great time!! H was back putting up signs, but had the help of his other hunting partners. When H got home last night he wasn’t feeling very good about himself, comes out in different ways, no patience, seems angry. H doesn’t affect me anymore, I don’t let his mood become my moods. I’m detached in a way I never thought possible a year ago.
More Later.
Cathy
The more I pray, the more I receive, the more I speak with the Lord the more he shows me, the more he reveals to me. God is good.
I’ve been some thinking about the OW, the OW’s antics, the way OW reacts to my H. In looking back, H told OW we were going out to eat for our anniversary, back then I was more like why did you tell her that, why are you telling OW what we do together? Now I’m thinking, WHY did he tell her that? Was he trying to get a reaction out of her push her buttons, push her away? Then OW knowing I was coming along with H to his fishing tournament in August, seeing us together and how OW reacted, sending food and flowers to H’s jobsite, waiting for H after work. OW reacts by pursuing, in desperation and in acting on her emotions of the moment. Not thinking for one minute of anybody but herself and what she wants, selfishness at it’s finest, desperation at it’s worst, trying to escape the pain that will eventually hit her full in the face.
This is something that’s been making it’s way to my mind, to my consciousness. It’s something that makes me believe circumstances are changing with H and OW. The attraction of the OW, the addiction isn’t the same as it was when this all started. The craving is still there, the need for a “fix,” but it’s not as strong and afterwards it’s not doing what it used to do, the high isn’t there. H’s drug of choice, the OW, isn’t the same anymore, he needs something different, he’s beginning to feel good about himself without the drug. I don’t think it’s a comfortable feeling for my H, this feeling good about himself. He’s still feeling comfortable not liking himself, it’s what he’s used to feeling, it’s more natural. So this new feeling, this new concept is a huge struggle, I think he’s fighting it because it’s making him aware of his actions.
I’m sensing/feeling that his noshows aren’t these wonderful evening of bliss and happiness at OW’s....that they might be something that H endures, because he doesn’t know how to get rid of OW, at least for now and isn’t ready to give up the drug completely. I’m beginning to see a new perspective on this OW and that she is not the threat that she was at the beginning and that in time OW will fade away. I do believe what goes around comes around.
I think a seed has been planted in my H, it’s going to need time to grow. Right now I have no idea how long it will take or what he will grow into either. I’m beginning to feel that I am the lead for my H, I’m the person he’s watching, kind of like my S4 watches me, gages how he can play me, how I react to his antics, yet S4 knows exactly what he’s doing at all times. Consistency and patience. Although with S4 the patience is work in progress. He’s very trying and I’m afraid I’ve let things with him progress too far, where my H knows not to throw things when he’s mad, S4 hasn’t quite figured that out or how to control himself either. S4 knows he’s doing it, but told me that he didn’t know how to stop himself.
For the last two weeks, since his return from hunting/vacation, H has been acting strange, well I don't know if H would call it strange, but when I ask him questions he either ignores me or makes something up. Like last night I asked if he'd talk to his brother T lately and he said no and and I said you mean he didn't help put up signs with you on Sunday and H said no. I asked H who helped and he reluctantly named the other guys and then said T was there Then H was telling me about a coworker who was going on vacation and I asked him a questions and he made up an answer, I know it was made up because it was absurd...it's like he doesn't want me to ask him any questions. I can talk to him, tell him a fact or something I heard and then he might respond, but not to questions. Last night he wasn't home when S4 and I got home from work, he had been there, but left and I hadn't heard from him all day. He doesn't call me at work unless he has a specific question, his cell phone was shut off yesterday...it's like he's withdrawing from me in some ways, but not like he used to, if that makes sense. He's being kind, considerate, doing acts of service for me.
Last night we were laying in bed together and I told him about this guy who got his 10th DWI..and H said something like, my first DWI would be my last becuase I'd quit drinking. I've been driving drunk too long. Then he said "I'm thinking about quitting drinking anyways" said it's too hard on his stomach, he does get huge stomach pains and spend most of the day in the bathroom and said he's tired of feeling junky the next day. Silently I praised the Lord. I know "thinking about it is" a long way from quitting, but he IS thinking about it, reflecting on it..he said something the other day about anger and reacting to our S4, which kind of floored me. S4 has a temper and H was telling him about how reacting can make things worse.
It is starting to bother H that S20 spends a lot of his freetime drinking heavily and sleeping the day away. He's in college, it's what they do here and S20 is sucked up into that. He has another year of school and I told H that it'll be out of is system, S20 will be in the real world. Yet I'm thinking MIL is an alcoholic, H has had a problem with alcohol, T told us once he drinks a 12pack a night, now this was quite awhile ago.
My H is a deep thinker, he's not stupid and is sounding like he is aware of other's behavior. Now if he's seeing himself in other's behaviors, that I'm not quite sure of. H never shares the deeper side of himself with me or anybody else that I know.
it was very warm in Colorado.
. He was putting up hunting signs the night before, “it was hot, I didn’t’ have the right clothes on” and just 
yes he says that, and and a second later says to me “I have an appointment to see a surgeon today at 1:30 meet me there” 
Then H was telling me about a coworker who was going on vacation and I asked him a questions and he made up an answer, I know it was made up because it was absurd...it's like he doesn't want me to ask him any questions. I can talk to him, tell him a fact or something I heard and then he might respond, but not to questions. Last night he wasn't home when S4 and I got home from work, he had been there, but left and I hadn't heard from him all day. He doesn't call me at work unless he has a specific question, his cell phone was shut off yesterday...it's like he's withdrawing from me in some ways, but not like he used to, if that makes sense. He's being kind, considerate, doing acts of service for me.