Thanks Slowly, I just read your thread, and I agree, the similarities are incredible. This past weekend was interesting, all over the place emotionally for both of us, but good I think (hope)....I will post about it in a little while.
Along the the theme of romancing his socks off, I didn't make a lot of progress this weekend, but this morning 1st thing I emailed him "je t'aime" in big bold letters. I didn't think he'd know what it meant, and I just got an email back saying "I'm sorry, I don't get it?"....so I emailed him back that it was one of the few french phrases I could remember, I love you, and that I wanted to make sure he started the week with that thought in his mind in big bold letters. I havent heard back from him yet......we shall see.
Ok, to recap the weekend, I'll try to go day by day. interesting (i.e. confusing to me!) stuff going on, and I could sure use anyones thoughts on what to make of it, what I should do. Thursday/Friday, I sensed the H was a little more "distant" emotionally. This comes close to throwing me into a state of panic because int he past it has meant things with OW were flaring back up. Friday afternoon, we were folding laundry together and I asked H if he was angry or upset with me about something, told him I sensed that he was emotionally more distant and that sometimes that had meant he was upset, and I had avoided dealing with that in the past. Told him that part of my "new leaf" was that I was going to deal with issues rather than "stuffing" them, because I felt like that contributed to our problems, so I would like to know from him if there was something "up"....H said there wasnt, that he wasnt angry at me, but that he was experiencing a lot of anger over the break up. That he was so mad at OW for being such a manipulative self-serving something or other (don't recall what), and that he was so mad at himself for being such a sucker and falling for it. That it had nothing to do with me/us. I asked him to promise me that if things came up that were bothersome to him in our R, that he would talk to me about them, and that I would do the same. He promised, and gave me a hug.
Later I took a nap, and he came into the room to wake me up, said he'd give me a hug if I wanted one, I got up and we had a nice hug....H thanked me for loving him so much, said he could tell from the way I treated him, that I was so patient and kind and forgiving with him....I joked and said "o, you read that big 1st Corinthians poster I pasted on the wall"....he was serious and said well, it's true, it's so different from the self-serving stuff that some people try to pass off as love"....
Several times over the weekend, H said I Love you and apologized for the hurt and "mess" he caused.
Saturday and Sunday, H switched from being angry to big time sadness/grieving. cried and cried and cried, just so sad it's almost overwhelming to me. I am not sure how to handle this, I just hug him, tell him I love him and to let me know how I can help. He says he needs to hear ILY, and needs lots of affection right now, and other than that he has to work through it on his own.
He commented again "If you don't want me, now is the time to let me go"....I hate hearing that. I told him I want him and love him very much, and asked if he wanted me to let him go, and he said "no".
Saturday night was absolutely weird. We just "hung out"...Sat at the dining room table to watch a football game (I don't believe in having a TV in the dining room, but that's another story) right now though I'm kind of glad it's there because H sometimes hangs out there while I am in the kitchen. H asked me to watch the game with him, so I threw in the towel (literally) and did. H took my hand very tenderly on the table top, and held it, for a long, long time. He fiddled with my diamond. He smiled at me....and then he flirted naughtily. I said I was excited about something with him (don't remember what) and he said very quietly "I'm excited you have big boobs" this is totally out of character for H, I was so shocked my mouth dropped open, and I said "did you say....????? I can't believe you said that!" and he winked at me.
later we were talking about how long it has taken us to figure out what we have about our R/M, and H commented "we'll make it to 50." All this time he's been holding my hand. (neither of us was paying a lot of attention to the game, obviously)
At half time, we hugged, and H started being "handsy", I told him he needed to be discreet as S was around, and he said "lets go upstairs", so we did, ML, but it was so weird, H wasnt able to perform very well, said he was so tired??????? So we went back and watched part of the 2nd 1/2, H went to bed before the game was over. weird. I'd guess he was overcome by thoughts of OW but I don't know what to do about it.
Sunday, H was still loving and sweet. I cleaned living room carpet and he mentioned how much he appreciated my efforts and how nice it looked; at one point I mentioned wishing the weekend wouldnt end so soon, and H said he was glad it would, because going to work and being busy helped him and he does better during the week . he commented that we would be going to my brothers this weekend (for my "surprise" b-day party) and that would be better than "moping around here"....
I've been sleeping nude because it feels so nice and warm to snuggle up to him, and he tells me it's comforting and helps him sleep better. last night he came to bed without a shirt, the better to snuggle. This morning he initiated ILY, seemed pleasant and loving, but hasnt responded in kind to my email....ah, well
Has anyone else experienced this back and forth emotional stuff after the ending of an A? any tips on the best way to deal with it????? ANY insights at all would be greatly appreciated!!!!! I'm finding this really challenging!
Saturday I commented about rearranging the family room so it would be available for either "passionate romantic interludes or hot naughty sex" (it has skylights that are pretty cool to look at the stars through)...H said "I prefer romance, it's more fun"....that knocked MY socks off...I commented that I was sure in the past that he had NOT liked it, that he'd actually told me as much. H agreed, said "I was really depressed and closed off then, I'm not now". He commented that his interest in romance was one of the benefits to come from the A, and I should be glad he had found out how much he likes it. I commented that I was glad he'd learned that information, but very unhappy with where/how he'd learned it. He just nodded.
H discovered the little treasure chest I bought for the "kidnapping kit", asked what it was for, and I told him I was putting together a kidnapping kit. He said OW always talked about kidnapping him . GRRRRRRRRR If I was a dog I'd bite her ankle.
I am so anxious no matter how hard I try. I havent heard much at all today from H via email, and what I did get was very matter of fact and businesslike. I am always terrified it means he & OW are firing up again.
Has anyone else who managed to rebuild their marriage after an affair experienced this cycle of anger -- grief--anger--grief...(the WAH's, that is) over and over? HOW do you handle this?????
I don't have expert advice but I can tell you I am going through the same thing with my H and his ONS. One minute he is yelling about how disgusting and manipulative women like the OW are and the next minute he is sobbing telling me he can't believe he did something that stupid, he can't believe he risked our marriage like that. I honestly don't have an answer on how to deal with it. When he is yelling, I just listen and don't comment. When he is crying, I hold him. The yelling is easier to deal with. The crying is something I've never dealt with before. H is not emotional and I'm not sure what to do. My H also seems to be terrified that I am going to leave. I think this may be where the mood swings are coming from. He cannot believe that I want to stay with him. He is appreciative that I am willing to stick it out and work on it but at the same time he thinks I'm going to leave at any moment. My advice would be just hang in there. Let him rant, let him cry. He needs to work through it. Reassure him that you are there for the long haul.
Well, it's me again. I haven't posted to you much although I read you all the time. Right now you are about 3 miles ahead of me on my journey.
"My what to do suggestions"...And God only knows I always want to do something, even if it's wrong I still always want to do something. LOL
1. validate 2. listen 3. don't take it personally 4. don't feel like you have to respond or have the answer or fix your H, just keep on being there for him 5. When you are about ready to puke because you have just plain had enough, then walk away, leave the house, or come talk to us 6. Don't keep asking him about OW, let it be, let it be. Make your mind, your home, your car, wherever, an OW-free zone. 7. Pray, pray for wisdom, guidance, discernment, and a heart to love your H even when he isnt being lovable 8. count your blessings, some of us, including me, would give our eyeteeth to be where you are at now 9. be kind to yourself, look at the big pic, You are doing great, you are a huge dbing success and a great encouragement to lots of us
Hi Pam I appreciate your input, and I have to say, I believe you are right on track. LOL regarding your comment on always wanting to DO SOMETHING....I hear ya, sister.
I am so blessed in so many ways, and I am praying now I think more than ever before. I truely believe that if God werent guiding through this mine field, all would have been lost long ago.
I find the tears and grief much harder to deal with than the anger, and as I think about it, I believe that is because of my pride or self interest. If he's furious at the b---h, I can think "See, I told you so, H!"....part of the difficulty in dealing with the tears I think comes from knowing that he cares so much about some other woman that it is tearing him up to lose her. Boy, that sticks in really sore places. So, I guess I need to pray to be able to let go of that and then maybe I will know better how to help.
Another part of the difficulty in dealing with the tears is that it is terribly difficult to see some one you love hurt so badly and not be able to "fix it" regardless of the reason for the hurt. I am a confirmed and chronic "fixer", working hard to over come that. I am such a fixer that when S was 2, the poor kid smashed his finger with a rock, I kissed his Owie away so good, I convinced him it didnt hurt. We found out a month later it was broken . If only I could do that now with H.
I've been reading your thread Pam, just not getting much posting done other than my sordid saga. How is your job search/resume updating going?
Thanks for your input Moving Forward. This tearful stuff is just mind-blowing to me. I don't know what to think/do about it. Plus, I believe H is crying over losing her, not as much about what he did to our marriage, although that's probably some of it. How long do you think this lasts?
but I don't know what to do about it. 
and he mentioned how much he appreciated my efforts and how nice it looked; at one point I mentioned wishing the weekend wouldnt end so soon, and H said he was glad it would, because going to work and being busy helped him and he does better during the week 
. he commented that we would be going to my brothers this weekend (for my "surprise" b-day party) and that would be better than "moping around here"....
. GRRRRRRRRR If I was a dog I'd bite her ankle.