Ok, I'm going to try to redo the post I lost earlier today. to recap from last night: H got home about 8:30, did a mile on the treadmill, came to the dining room, sat at the table and started talking, talked until 11, telling me bits and pieces of the A/R w/OW. He said that he had planned to leave and be at her house by Christmas, that when they were on the mountain trip in Nov., she bought an ornament with both their names on it. This didnt surprise me, because when the bomb 1st dropped mid-Oct he absolutely wouldnt commit to being home over the holidays. He said he stayed because S begged him to, the poor kid was so upset it broke his heart, and OW was really angry about it. That explains her ugly looks at church on xmas eve. That he told her that as a mother she should understand, he didnt believe she would be able to leave and break her child's heart at christmas either, and that upset her more.
H said he began to believe that if he watched and waited, it would become clear to him where he belonged, that it would become obvious eventually where the "real" love was. H said that when he talked about what he needed and was dissatisfied with, I took it to heart, gave it careful consideration, and tried my darnedest to find a way to do it. That OW never did anything like that, that he even tried to tell her what he needed, and she became more and more angry, resentful and demanding.
He said it began to make him crazy because she was so angry and jealous, and he never knew when she was going to blow up at him over something he didnt even know he had done. H said she would throw a fit if she heard him say "hi" to a female coworker in the hall, sometimes she would be mad and pouting and he couldnt even remember who he'd said hi to. I was flabbergasted, told him I insisted on having credit that I never had and never would do such a thing, that I couldn't believe it, he agreed.
H said that under different circumstances he thought OW and I would probably be good friends, that we have a lot of the same interests. bleh.
That he had changed the times he went to see her because he missed going to church. I had wondered if that was it.
H asked if I remembered grabbing him by the front of his blue sweatshirt and shaking him when I found out about the A....I didn't, but after he mentioned it I kind of do. He was actually laughing and said, "well, she used to do the same thing only she did it a lot. I got the s--t shook out of me in that shirt, so I finally stopped wearing it!" It's kind of humorous now, sure wasnt at the time.
He said that when we were on vacation this summer and I was getting after him for calling her (I only did it a couple of times!) that he kept calling and calling her cell phone and no one ever answered, he couldnt figure it out. turns out OW's dog had carried the cell phone into her back yard and put it with her toys. I laughed till I cried over that, said "well, at least CC (the dog) was on my side!" Of course H called on the regular phone when he couldnt get through on the cell
After we went to bed, H said "I'm so sorry, I shouldnt keep blubbering on about this" I told him it actually helps me to feel better because I have a little more insight into things. I don't feel like I'll ever be able to hear sexual details, though. Don't think he'd want to share them.
H also made the comment that "I sure never want to get involved in anything like this again, it was terrible" and he looked very sincere and certain when he said it.
this morning, we talked a little bit....I told him I loved the romance I'd discovered in him, but that I never knew he liked it, he said again he had never got to have it so he never knew. I told him I'd thought long and hard to understand how romance and sex were different, and finally started to get an inkling. H agreed that there is a difference, but said "one can enhance the other" I told him ILY many times, he responded and initiated it, I comment I hoped I wasnt over doing it, and he said he didnt think it was possible to hear it to often but that people don't tell each other enough out of pride and anger and hurt, and then they drift apart. I said I never want to have that happen to us again, and he said "it won't"
I am finally starting to feel confident that he's back, that OW is history. praise the Lord! I just feel "in my bones" that he would NOT be sharing all this with me if it wasnt truely over, and he intends for it to stay over. This is new behavior, that has come on slowly over about the last month.
Well, gonna post this before I lose it again. gotta pick up S in a minute from religous ed class.
Oh deb, I havent checked in for quite some time and here you are. Im so happy for you deb, really. I almost cried when I read your post. You've been in my thoughts always and I am so proud of you. You really deserve the best because you have tirelessly DBing and it has paid off!
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Hi Deb - I'm so glad H is sitting with you and chatting for hours - this is so what we need, isn't it? Kudos to you for making him feel comfortable enough to open up. You are a success story, sweetie.
I am soooo proud of you. You are a wonderful woman and you deserve only the best in life. Any wife who would put this much effort into her M is to be commended.
I wish that I was closer to where you are now, but my H is not so compliant. And I do believe that having his OW in a foreign county ( and not in the office down the hall) is really dragging things out.
But I am keeping the faith, and still believing for my M.
You go girl. I am proud of you and am enjoying your success vicariously.
Or I should say, "YEAH Deb!" I think you are doing wonderfully well. It is so good to hear how much you are enjoying and appreciating this good fortune.
Your H's walls have really come tumbling down. It think it's great that you are listening and validating. He really needs to get all of this off his chest. It's part of his healing process. (I think it's a good thing for you NOT to listen to any stories about sex life. Glad to hear that you set that boundry for yourself.)
As far as romantic ideas....if I come up with any, I'll let you know. What I read so far sounds excellent. A reminder to remember his LL in all things.
I remember my H telling me how proud he was of me through-out this whole mess and how he knows that if it wasn't for me and my efforts we would be divorced right now. (Not saying that we are safe just yet though.) Anyway, Dbing seems to be the ultimate act of love, doesn't it?
Lastly, have to add that I was LMAO as I read about the blue sweatshirt! And here I thought red was the color that ignited fury........LOL.
Hi Pam, Slowly and BnB....thank you all for stopping by, I've been checking on your threads but not posted much lately. I will get to you soon. BnB, have you posted recently on your thread? I don't think I've seen you around.
I'm having a hectic work day and not much time to post, but will try to this evening. I'm somewhat irritated today, because I found out last night OW called H at lunch hour yeterday, and has done that several times over the last couple of weeks. I wondered from the phone call at home last Friday, but anyway, H is being honest with me, and is talking and talking and talking and talking, more than he has in the 26 years I've known him, and he's quite loving. I am convinced it's sincere.
HOWEVER, I am so frustrated that I am going to stop on the way back from a meeting I'm headed to, by myself some flowers, have the people in the shop sign the card "guess who?" and put them here on my desk so they'll be here when he stops by my office this evening. If I get back in time, I'll email him "thanks" before he leaves his out-of -town office. If I gotta get out the flame thrower, so be it!
Hi Dawn, Thanks for the encouragement!!!! Actually I'm doing great at the moment, but I might shake him if he put the blue sweatshirt on (I think we were posting at the same time earlier) anyway, I gotta run to a meeting and pick up my flowers , then I'll post about a shirt I'm going to get for MYSELF for casual days here at work!!!!!!
Guess I'll try to update goings on here, it's been wild today and I havent gotten much posted. Last night when I when to pick up S at religous ed class, I was waiting in the big central room and in walks...yup, OW. Yakking on her cell phone (damn dog should have buried it deeper!) my stomach lurched, but I just glanced calmly at her and then ignored her. she went around behind me somewhere, and then when I turned to start out the door w/S, I looked up and saw she was out the door ahead of me like a shot. When I got home, I told H, who looked irritated (at her) said she'd mentioned those were the kids her D was used to going to class with, so she was going to keep taking her there. the b---h. Thank god I'm taking S to class again this year. I asked H if she called him, since she was on her cell, and he said "you mean tonight? no"...so I asked if she has been calling him, and he said she calls him sometimes at lunch hour at work, and had yesterday ....I was not happy at all, and told him so. He said it isnt very often, and mostly when she calls she just gripes at him, and they don't have much to say to each other. said he hasnt been calling her ?????? I hope. I told him that if she's still calling she's still emotionally invested and still hoping to get her hooks in him. He said "if that were true, wouldnt you be pleasant and nice when you call some one instead of bitching at them? I told him I would, but that obviously isn't her. H said he is convinced it is a process of her being able to let go, and that the only way she will let go for good is if he lets her "get it out of her system" ???????? but that it is at that point. He believes she'll have somebody else in a few weeks, and that will be it. Said he feels relief, and believes that to some extent she does as well.
Then we talked for several hours about all this again. H said again H was sorry for talking about it, and I told him (again) that for some odd reason that I can't explain, it helps me feel a lot better. I told him I guessed it was like shining a flashlight on the monster under the bed, that just knowing what you're dealing with makes it easier, but that I wished this one would just go away and stay away. He put his arms around me and said "There's no monster there". He seems so sincere, I don't want to be a sucker but I do believe him, his entire demeanor is different now. As we were talking, he said that OW is so upset she sick, cant keep any thing down and has diarhea so bad she is having to take prescription meds, and he is worried about her and wants to make sure she stays on top of it. Manipulative B---h! H said a couple of weeks ago she asked him if he was "going to work things out with Deb" and he told her "yes". Said she got kind of nasty about that and started saying well then, the best woman won, the best woman won" and just kept saying it. Then H said I should get a t-shirt with that on it and wear it to work....told him I'd get sent home for violating the dress code, but I could probably at least walk down the hall by her office a couple of times before I got caught. H said "you could even go into her office to talk to the other nurse about something, and when she mention it say "yeah, H got me this"....so he was being a devil, hehehehehe.
H said he told her he has been telling me all about "everything" (havent heard and don't intend to hear details about sex) told her "I mean EVERYTHING" and he said that upset her, she didnt like it. H commented, "I guess I can understand that, it is personal, but it's not private any more". maybe that's part of what helps me to feel better when he talks about it. That and i see in his face that he is FINALLY being honest about it.
H said that he decided he was going to stay the end of January, but he knew that thing were going to have to die off for it to be able to end, and that it had to be a process. I've heard that before from him, kind of understand but still??????. That you can't just toss someone you've been close to out like a piece of paper (it would have worked for me if he did!)
I am still finding out that she said a lot of the same things to H that I do, and that ticks me off to no end, but oh well. This morning we were STILL talking, and I told him I just couldnt comprehend my life without him, that I knew I could do it, but I had a hard time picturing it. H said "I know, I can't comprehend life without you and being here". I told him "I don't think any other guy could measure up"....and he said "oh my god"...when I asked "what?" he said "she said the same thing".....I think I just walked off on that one.
Then he told me that she always called him "Cheesecake"...something she loved but can't have (lactose intolerance)....I said "well, at least I never called you cheesecake" and he said "I don't think it was a term of endearment"....
So, a couple of emails this morning, not too mushy. I know H is busy, he is training a new secretary and a new clinician for the outreach office, so it's been a hectic week. Still, I've been pretty irritable with the knowledge that she's been calling him, even if it isn't often. So, I decided H needs a little gentle kick in the pants even as I'm working on still making sure he's drawn back tight. So, after a meeting, I stopped by a florist's and bought myself a few roses arranged in a bud vase. put them on my desk where they can't be missed. H stopped by after work, and didnt say a single word about them, but I saw him look at them 3 times...yep, I was watching. If he says anything about who are they from, I'm going to say "you mean you didn't send them?" and act like I don't know where they came from.
As he was leaving, I told him I'd missed him today, and he said he missed me too, and I backslid -- I said "Oh sure, as you were chatting on the phone with someone else at lunch" - bad, bad, dbing - and he looked a little hurt and said "I wasnt talking to anyone, didnt all day"....I shouldnt have said a word, but I am still irritated. Of course, that would play right into the manipulative b---h's hands, to let her make trouble, so I figure I've said my piece and now I'm going to drop it. I've learned that H really does take think I say to heart and consider them much more than I ever knew, he just never lets me know until a lot latter. I told him I was looking forward to having some time together, and he said "well, come home early"...so that's good.
OK, I can not resist this one. I am going to do it. I'm going to get "Best Woman 1" or maybe "won" printed on a t-shirt, and I'm going to wear it on casual days to work. If she complains I'll look blank and not have a clue what she's talking about (don't want to be creating a hostile work environment). I think I'll get a shirt for H with "cheesecake" on it. That is pretty hostile, he probably won't wear it, but oh well! Actually I was thinking this afternoon I could get those beads that you string together to make a necklace that are letters and spell out "best woman" and then hang a 1 in the middle of the front as a pendant. tacky, yes, but fun......
I'm still making plans to romance his socks off, even though I'm irritated with her continuing manipulative efforts. So I got started today. I'm gonna kidnap him and take him to a hotel with a whirlpool suite, I called around today and found out which ones have them and what they run. then over lunch I started assembling my kidnapping kit. Found a cute little trunk that looks like a treasure chest, big enough I think to hold the supplies. I also got some candles with what I think is a sensual scent, 2 wine glasses, some massage oil. just getting started, but it was fun, maybe I'll get the kit all put together this weekend and have it ready to go when the occassion arises....kinda like having your bag packed for the hospital when you're pregnant. I am going to figure out some way to lock it so he can't get in it (don't yet know how) and leave it setting out in the bedroom. I think that will really get his attention.
And I do believe that having his OW in a foreign county ( and not in the office down the hall) is really dragging things out.
, then I'll post about a shirt I'm going to get for MYSELF for casual days here at work!!!!!! 