I walked with H and spent 4 hours watching and old war movie with him (not my top choice, but so glad to be with him)...each time I mentioned doing it, H brightened up and said "you want to walk/watch with me?!?. later he actually thanked me for spending time with him, said how much it helped.
I asked him when he started to doubt his R w/OW, and he thought and said he'd always loved me, missed me terribly on their trip, but REALLY started doubt "them" in Feb. or March. I bet if I go back through my threads, that will be the time I posted that I sensed a "softening" in his attitude towards me and the kids....I know by mid march this was happening, because D noticed when she was home on spring break.
H said OW used to always get angry and accuse me of being a liar. I asked what she said I was lying about, because I never said much about the whole mess one way or another...H said he be excited about things at home and make a comment that I was making positive changes, and OW would go ballistic and say how it was all just a show to manipulate him and get him back and he'd see it was all just a lie....so that explains why he would seem so pleased for a while and then turn around and be so suspicious.
H said he talked about how precious our kids are to us, and how hard it had been to get S here, and that used to drive her wild....and she would have all kinds of put downs. Said he told her how much courage I have, and how I've shown it over and over, that it took so much courage for S to get here ( I had to give myself injections several times every day for 6 months, I've always had a needle phobia ) and that he's always admired me for that and my courage in this whole mess. According to H she would throw fits and pout for days when he said such things (guess I can understand that).
Hi Ellie and dfb....thanks for dropping in. I'm going to keep my focus on building on the positive, but I'm no longer going to close my eyes to the lies, etc., I really hope and pray, and believe, that they are over.
Ellie, you are so right about how screwed up the WAS/MLCer's are. Honestly, this is the kind of person H has ALWAYS avoided like the plague. It's always been just unbelievable to me that he would ever take up with some one like her. but I've come to see that was part of the appeal, she was so different and I think such a "forbidden fruit" in so many ways (never mind that there would be a jillion good reasons why she should be forbidden!)
one other little tidbit to record: this morning I asked H if he was "beginning to feel better", meaning emotionally. He said "I think so, it was certainly better than last weekend, and it's mostly anger now". I replied that maybe that's progress, since we both know that anger is a later stage in the process of grief, and he agreed. He did tell me that the weekends tend to be hard, since that is when he usually went to vist OW....so with that in mind, I'm going to try to focus on something special, just some little things, to occupy that time (as of this summer, Saturday mornings)....maybe one idea is to get up early and fix breakfast while he does chores, then we could either have breakfast in bed together or on the porch ( S usually sleeps till about 9)....I'll have to think of some other things, but that might be a good start. I've never known H to turn down an omelette or a steak! (or french toast, the guy does like to eat!)
So many good things here! You are the DB pro! To be able to listen to your H talk about OW just proves how much you want this marriage to work. Keep it up!
Now, I don't have any experience in this OW area....I hope I never do! (Guess time will tell on that score.) So take what I say with caution and wait for the pros to jump in before you act on it.
But it seems to me that your H gave you permission (at least twice) to help him take care of the OW if she starts acting up and causing trouble. In fact, I think his "permission" was basically..."Deb, handle this". hahaha
So I don't think that I would have a problem telling her..."Hey, OW you lost, it's over, now don't make a fool of yourself. My H tells me that you can be a little crazy with your temper, but let me warn you that you've never seen crazy until you mess with my family..."
But, of course, I think you better wait and get advise from someone that has some experience with these things. They may advise that you just let your H handle things as this is his mess in the first place and he possibly could resent you for getting involved.
No matter what you do I still think that you should practice those lines in front of a mirror! I think it will make you feel better.
Ooooh, oooh, me, me...my H had a crazy ex-roommate!!
Well...I think I've mentioned we had to lie to xrm to get her to go away. (H finally told her I was pregnant--no calls in two weeks!!! According to H, the look on her face was priceless. )
I stayed out of it. I think it was the best thing. Anything from me, IMHO, would have only made matters worse. The *one* time I talked to her on the phone, I politely told her H was not available--and she later told H that I was rude to her. (He had been standing right there.) In my case, I honestly think more involvement from me would have only encouraged her--to "fight" for "her" guy. I think she truly needed to hear it from him.
Now, if she had shown up at my apartment or my work or called me...that would have been a different game. I would have ended it, my way, and she wouldn't have like it one bit. (Legal action!) But, I honestly think, I needed to let H handle it. For one, I don't think she would have gone away if she hadn't heard it from him. And two...well...it was more chances for H to see what she was really like.
something else I forgot to jot down that i should in case i need to recall it later: when H was crying about how awful he had been to OW, he said that he couldnt apologize to her because then she would think he meant they could be "friends", and that it wasnt possible to be friends in a situation like this. I validated that one big time....
Hey Dawn and Nevanna, I'm chuckling here as I digest your input. Actually I think both ideas are on target. I think I PREFER Dawns (uh-oh!) but that for now Nevanna's is the better way to go, for the reason's that Nevanna stated, and also that it will help me to appear different/better than OW, since H sees her as a scary hothead who can't be trusted.
That reminds me of something else I forgot to post, H mentioned this weekend how I have been "reframed" by this whole situation into being seen as the patient, loving, wise one in his eyes. Works for me, I don't want to blow it! He also said that OW was pretty shook when I showed up on her porch pounding on the door in January when I found H shacked up there for the weekend. Said she'd never been scared before, but that scared the heck out of her. Serves her right!!!!
So, my thought is I'm gonna play it cool and calm, but if I so much as get ANY contact from her, the gloves are off. I'm thinking of how I will respond....I just want to answer the phone and have an indication it's her, I'll be so breathless from ML at the time that her skin will crawl, not to mention how "occupied" I will tell her he is at the time! and I hope it is at noon! I guess you could say I'm chomping at the bit. ohhhhhhh, I just had a nasty thought. I'm going to one of these weekends "kidnap" h for a romantic getaway/interlude. Theres a neat little bed/breakfast about 2 blocks from her house. I could kidnap him and take him there and paint "2nd honeymoon" in big letters on the car windows. just one to tuck in the idea file.
I was laughing hysterically when I wrote it! But I still love it! Scarey thing is...I would probably do it...and more. (I am NOT the DB ideal. )
I once told my H that the authorities have never been involved in our relationship BUT that if I ever found out about another woman, he had better call the police and an ambulance. He would need them both.
You better follow your instincts (and Nevanna's advice) on this one.....
Dawn, you sound like my type of gal!!!!! he hehehe! all I can say is that there's a lot of truth to the sayings that living well is the best revenge, paybacks are hell, and payday doesnt always come on Friday!
Having said all that, I can say that being viewed as the calm quiet one really gives you an occasional opportunity to drop some jaws....and when they drop they really drop!
I had a couple of emails from H today, and in my last one to him, I asked how "other things" were going....didn't hear back from him after that, don't know if it means anything or not, but I guess at this point I'm not going to worry. I really do believe he's working hard to let her go. Of course I want it over and done with 11 months ago, but oh well.
that it took so much courage for S to get here ( I had to give myself injections several times every day for 6 months, I've always had a needle phobia 
) and that he's always admired me for that and my courage in this whole mess. According to H she would throw fits and pout for days when he said such things (guess I can understand that). 
Dawn 