Hi Dawn, I know you're right....RELAX!!!but I'm really having a hard time with that right now. Just really gun-shy, I guess. I do think he's trying to be reassuring though, since he sent me the copy of the friends email when he told me he was going out for a beer with the guys....I keep feeling if I can get a month or so down the road, I'll be better. I've lived with this hell for 11 months now, so surely I can do this. He commented last weekend that he was thinking he would do better if he could get a couple of weeks down the road from the breakup w/OW, so I guess we're thinking the same thing.
Hey Nevanna, these are good points. My H is also very sensitive to criticism, he has often taken things as criticism that I didnt intend as such, so I have to be very careful, and I hadnt thought of it before, but I bet that's a key to his response.
I'm also trying to REALLY get in the habit of appreciating the things he does that I like, and I'm starting to see them happen a little more as well.
It's interesting though, I've just realized that only now have I ever started to share with him my true, innermost feelings, no holds barred ( well, few holds barred)....never ever have I done this, and I think that's how we got to the point that we felt like the other person didn't love us anymore. How sad.
I sure would like to get a love letter from him, though.
No one in their right mind would blame you for being gun-shy. I guess this is where the "act as if" helps you to "fake it until you make it". Just remember that you have the benefit of KNOWING. You have always known what it is that you wanted....a healthy marriage with your H. Your H on the other hand has had the struggle. (Yeah, I know that sounds like I am sympathizing with him....NOT. Just saying that given a choice I would rather be you in this situation.)
Give him the time and space to let this settle in. He is obviously wanting that too, based on his comment about wishing it to be two weeks from now. He wants to feel better and that is such a positive sign. Wanting is step in the right direction.
I do not think that it is such a bad thing to ask him what it is that he needs from you right now. And try, try, try your best to appear confident about the situation....it might just rub off on him. (Not talking about a Mary Poppin's act, just confident.) Try not to bring up the OW right now. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Thanks Dawn, I seem to have lost an earlier post I made in response. I'm sure trying to avoid any mention of OW...Other than I have mentioned that her having used my pet names really ticks me off....!!!!! I mean, really, how dare she!
yeah, I'm really working on the "acting confident" part....I thinks it's going to be real important. I always loved Mary Poppins as a kid though, Maybe I'll keep her in the back of my mind. !
I skipped a lunch hour meeting and went to the bookstore and spent money I shouldnt have. Ordered Silent Son and Passionate marriage, bought a book called "back from betrayal", and have read a couple of chapters, and, oh, wow, it is so much my story (other than the affluence! ) but all the signs are so similar in this womans story...there is a quote at the beginning of a chapter that I loved though: "Begin to weave and God will give you the thread"....says it's a German proverb. I may have to frame that....I really like it.
I bought Kama Sutra cards to send in H's lunch, which I've been going to do, and looked at a book called Dance Naked. I had a good laugh just picking it up, evidently it's a how-to book written by a stripper. Now this is really wild, but I may go back and actually buy it. H will be convinced that I've totally lost my mind. gotta let the budget recover first, I did more damage in the bookstore than i should have!
I am becoming hopeful that maybe I can begin to consider "us" a "success story".....
I have just been having such a difficult time accepting that H and OW are really done, afraid to let my guard down again!!!!
But, after being so sad all last week and weekend, H now seems happier and more loving than I have seen him in years. He's still not "MR ROMANCE" that I would like, but more so than he ever has been. I got home at 9 last night, and H was tired and just a little grumpy, but I swear he perked up talking to me.
I went to bed nude again (te he he, the woman who always wore flannel and granny gowns )...H was in bed with the light off when I got in, I snuggled up to him (his back was to me) and he asked if I had anything on (?????) when I said "no", he replied "really?", turned on the light, turned over and initiated ml ...so that's every other day this week, just a week ago I was afraid we would never ml again, he seemed so down and disinterested. H now snuggles against me and holds me several times in the night, which I love. It's so nice to come to that "half awake" state and realize his warm strong arms are around me, and then fall back asleep. I don't recall him doing that even when we were first married.
He is going out with some friends (male) from work this afternoon as a send-off for his best friend, who leaves for a new job today. I told him I would be semi-jealous, that I was making a big sacrific for his buddy...He actually said "I'd tell you to come on by except that he was so specific that he only wanted a few of his certain friends there. I think it's a guy deal"....I told him I knew and understood and was just giving him a bad time. He had actually forwardedt the email invitation to me yesterday, so I know this is legit. I was happy he sent me the email.
This morning I asked him, with my heart in my throat, if he would "be around tomorrow" (non-specific reference to OW/paperwork) he actually looked kind of mystified and said "yes, I should be, why?"....told him I was just wondering and hoping we could find some quiet time together since last weekend was so hectic.
So, anyway, I do believe that if he goes 3 or 4 weeks with out his Saturday "paperwork" excursions, I will begin to be much calmer. I don't know what it means, but we are starting to joke a tiny bit about OW....he will tell me a romantic term was already taken, chuckling, and I'll tell him he'll just have to wait then till I can get out the thesaurus and come up with new ones, because it ticks me off she took all the good ones and I'm not going to use the same ones, etc. I'm not sure what to think about the joking, but it seems like maybe it's a way to begin to safely approach the issue, or he's testing the waters to see if it's really safe to be with me, that I'm not going to beat him up over it for the rest of his life. At one point that was a concern he expressed.
So much happened this weekend I need sort through it. I'm also going to need some input on what to expect from semi-psychotic OW. It's kind of scary.
H and I were alone most of the weekend & H began to really let his guard down, and give me some insight into stuff that 's been going on. it explains some of the weirdness
Friday...At noon the phone rang and H answered, I heard him say "NO NOT NOW" in an angry voice. I knew it was OW, asked H who it was, he said it was D calling about picking up S....that didnt make sense, I checked caller ID and sure enough it was OW calling from her cell. I decided it was past time for playing games, asked H straight out why he lied to me about OW calling, he said "because I was afraid you would get mad". I asked him what she said, and he said she asked if he could talk, thus his not now reply. I told him I didnt think I could "do it" anymore if he went back to her again, and he said he isnt. I asked why she called then, and he said "I think to make trouble big time, she knows you're here now" and he seemed very irritated. I told him I just didnt think I could live with this much more, and he said "just divorce me now then"....I told him I didn't want to divorce him and he started to look tearful and hugged me.
So, we had a discussion, he said that he got an email from her Thursday at work that she had needed help with her mom Wednesday night - there's an unlisted number in caller ID, she must have tried to call him when I was at S's class, and H was out walking....
As we talked, H became irritated/angry towards her; he started to talk about that he does believe she has a big time psychiatric disorder, that he told her that and really got her angry, talked about her anger being such a predominate feature, how her mom and sister are really odd, that her BIL will have nothing to do with any of them, that her sister feels she can't have children because her marriage couldnt survive it, that OW has a brother who is a "mess" (didn't elaborate) and her B's S has a pretty good criminal record. OW is real evasive about her family, and that made H begin to wonder. H talked about how angry OW gets, and that at his suggestion she got some anger management books but "never read them"....how she would get mad when he mentioned such issues and ask "who do you think you are, Junior Therapist"...to which he would tell her, "Acutally I KNOW I'm a Senior Therapist and I've seen this a million times so it's pretty clear to me" and that used to REALLY set her off. Convo ended with him saying " guess I'll have you answer the phone when it rings" to which I tactfully replied "can I can I can I????) and H said "If she shows up here you can run her off".
Saturday Morning -- H didn't go do PAPER WORK!!!!! 2nd weekend in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! H suggested we could have a "nice evening together" and asked if we could have candles in the living room. He went for a walk by himself, I ran to the store while he was gone, expected to be back before him, but he got back first, when I came in he met me at the door with a hug and this "lost sheep" look on his face, gave me a kiss and said "I've been missing you"....made a suggestion that maybe we needed to take a nap...so I got lunch on, we went to "nap" and didn't sleep....H was saying he wanted to ML "now and later" meaning evening after S was gone.
Somehow in the afternoon we got into a discussion about the A/OW, and H was just all over the place. he cried, literally bawled, that he didnt know how on earth he could have been so stupid. H said Thursday they had quite an email exchange, that she is so good at playing the victim, and he told her on Thursday he is sick of her playing the victim, she's not a victim, that all she is is a hot tempered, manipulative whore who tried to steal another womans H and is mad because it didnt work That all she can ever see is what's in a sitch for her, and that nothing or nobody else's needs makes any difference to her. said he told her all her letters, etc, were nothing but manipultive flowery trash and that is where they are going to go; that he told her he has friends and has no need of someone like her to try to fill that role, but he hopes and assumes that they can function at work as colleagues when necessary. that he doesnt want to see or hear from her, that he will try to make sure he is in and out of the office before she gets to work so they don't have to see each other, and will try to make sure he doesnt on Tuesdays. GO H, GO!!!!
Sat. Nite, H initiated ML again, but it didnt work very well for him...I think he was just so emotionally distraught.
Yesterday, we talked more...H had that "hit by a truck" look and started to sob, said he hated himself for being so mean to her, for the things he said, and he can't believe he ws so mean, it just is not in him to be like that, but it was what it took to get her to leave him alone. Then he sobbed harder and said, over and over, he cant' believe what a stupid fool he has been. He's probably told me a dozen times how sorry he is. He told me that she used to pressure and harangue him the whole time he was with her, and fight and he felt so emotionally wiped out/shattered from it that he began to hate being there and to long for home..evidently it got to the point that she would spend pretty much the whole time he was around pressuring him to leave me and move in with her.
He said her ardor cooled noticably when he pointed out that he intended to make our house payments if he did leave, and he would be pretty broke. and she started to talk then about the extra jobs/work he could take on.....(I've always told him we would figure out a way to get by, that we are not destitute by any means and that his time with his family is more important than extra money)...H said he told her "ok, my resume's ready and I'm sending it to Wyoming, you send your's and lets see what we can get" and then she started saying "no, we wouldnt make much in Wyoming and my mother needs help here", and he began to think "what, I'm supposed to give up everything and you don't intend to give anything?"
I told h S has told me about OW's D showing him pics of all OW's old bf's, S would ask her what happened, and her D would say "he couldnt get enough money and so mom broke up with him", "he couldnt provide well enough so mom left" and on and on. H said he didn't doubt it at all, he doesnt know how many she's been after but her D used to talk to him, and then OW would make sure her D wsnt able to talk to him, H says he hasnt seen her D since she came back from her dad's at the start of school, so that tells him somethings up...and that OW's ex-livin bf, whom H helped her move out from, was po'd at the time because he'd figured out that she was in contact with some other guy (in addition to my H). That OW was cheating on her X-H when they were engaged, but didnt' consider it cheating because they werent married.
At one point he made the comment that "I don't know how many there have been, and I can't figure out how she operates like she does, because she's UGLY and she's NASTY" (my sentiments exactly for this whole time, and a question that's been on my mind )
This morning H was loving and tender, hugged and kissed me, told me he loved me unsolicited, that he knew now I'm the one who loves him because I've "walked the walk all this time"....
I asked him at one point if he thinks she will leave him alone, and he said "yes I do", if that's what he wants, he said "yes it is", asked again if he really thinks she will, and he said "if she intends to keep her job she will", so that makes me kind of nervous, I hope this thing can die with out it getting any uglier.
H told me that last November when he & OW were on the trip to the mountains, he missed me terribly and "it just didnt seem right". He called me every night then, and said she used to "pitch one helluva fit every time" and then sulk and pout all night (hehehehehe, oh darn). I guess his parents called him three times while he was there and that made her even angrier. I didnt know they'd called, he thought I'd "sic'd" them on him. Said he was glad they called because "I guess I just needed to know someone cared".
H told me that OW REALLY threw fits before we left for vacation the end of June, and things got really bad this summer, that after we got back she began threatening suicide. I figured she was going to do something like that.
On a lighter side, he said OW cant cook at all, he got sick of sandwiches and microwave ramen noodles and frozen pizza . I guess my belief that steaks and shrimp and cheesecake and special beers would help stack the deck was right on target.
H has been so tender and loving and demonstrative this weekend, I can't believe it. It is wonderful
Deb - that is awesome, I am glad he's finally seeming to come around. He's putting a lot of the blame on her, but it seems like he sees how screwed up he was.
That is great also that you asked him why he lied, etc. - hopefully he'll learn now not to lie to you.
) but all the signs are so similar in this womans story...there is a quote at the beginning of a chapter that I loved though: "Begin to weave and God will give you the thread"....says it's a German proverb. I may have to frame that....I really like it. 
)...H was in bed with the light off when I got in, I snuggled up to him (his back was to me) and he asked if I had anything on (?????) when I said "no", he replied "really?", turned on the light, turned over and initiated ml 
...so that's every other day this week, just a week ago I was afraid we would never ml again, he seemed so down and disinterested. H now snuggles against me and holds me several times in the night, which I love. It's so nice to come to that "half awake" state and realize his warm strong arms are around me, and then fall back asleep. I don't recall him doing that even when we were first married.
. I guess my belief that steaks and shrimp and cheesecake and special beers would help stack the deck was right on target. 