Chronicles of Morphing into a Red Hot Momma

[debcb]

Hi Nevanna, thanks, yes it makes me feel better! How long did it take your H to wake up to the point of hating the OW????? I just find it weird that he'll be telling me how flawed she is one day, and then a couple of days later he'll be saying what a good person she is.

I'm curious, why the heck do you suppose they tell the OW how great we are?????? According to H, it used to INFURIATE OW. Why would you make comparisons of your lover to your spouse that you knew were going to make your lover angry? All I can figure out is that maybe it was a way of maintaining "space", or conveying the message in an indirect way that he wasnt going to commit to her.....

Thought just occured to me. Isnt "spouse" a homely word?

[Nevanna]

How long did it take your H to wake up to the point of hating the OW?????

It was different both times. I told him once I found out about the PA, that if he wanted to be with me, he had no choice but to cut off all contact with xow. That one was painful to watch (the withdrawal). But he also "recovered" much more quickly, because he had minimal contact with her.

There was a whole lot more to that one. She really messed with his head. I think that's why he hated her so much, so fast. Once he wasn't around her, she couldn't manipulate him, and he was able to snap back into reality.

Normally I'm not the type to "excuse" that sort of behavior...or buy into the "manipulation" idea. But, again, she tapped into something in him psychologically that had him on the run. The joke on her is she thought it meant he would run to her...hah!...it just meant he wanted to run in general.

So, I think that's why he snapped out of it much more quickly.

With xrm...well...I think he saw it, but didn't believe it for awhile. I think there was this side of him that kept hoping his "friend" would come back out of the crazy lady. Even after he did really see her for her, he kept defending her...because he was defending his own actions and decisions. I'd say he only really started to quit defending xrm/his actions in the last month or so.

I can tell you there seems to be a couple of patterns that I have noticed... Part of it depends on how much contact is still going on. And another big part of it depends on how pushy and disrespectful the OP is being. Oh...and I also think it matters how long they were involved. I can't say it will take X amount of days.

I can tell you that you will hear more and more insults in regards to OW.

I'm curious, why the heck do you suppose they tell the OW how great we are??????

I think it just goes to show where they really want to be. Like I said, H talked constantly about me to xow. Of course, he also had no clue she was interested in him--he thought she was a good friend helping him to learn how to deal with pesonal issues.

According to H, it used to INFURIATE OW.

LOL, I just think it's funny. Just another example of why the OP should have known better.

All I can figure out is that maybe it was a way of maintaining "space", or conveying the message in an indirect way that he wasnt going to commit to her.....

I'm guessing it's the subconcious talking. On some deeper level he knew he wasn't really going to leave you. JMHO.

I'm certain this is what it was with H and xow. He told me he never really wanted to leave, but he thought (and she convinced him) that it was the only way to "fix his problems." Probably why he came back so fast the first time.

I do know he didn't talk about me nearly as much with xrm. Actually, he told me he didn't tell her much about his personal life, period. I guess something I had said once about how affairs start stuck in his head, and he was actually trying to maintain some emotional distance there.

I know for me, what really helps is knowing that I'm not the only one who has these weird experiences. I wonder what these guys would think if they realized how they all sound exactly the same???

[debcb]

Last night was interesting. I was so anxious during the day, because it was H's day "here" where OW is, and I didnt hear much from him.

I think it was a good evening, though. H got home about 8:30 and was MUCH more cheerful than he has been. I asked if he was feeling better, and he answered "yes, I think so"...now the awful thing is, it scares me when he cheers up because I'm scared to death it means he's back w/OW again. We sat at the table and talked for about an hour, which was nice, one of my goals from way back. He went to change clothes and do the tread mill, and when he into the kitchen, he came to me, pulled me into his arms and hugged me, and said "I love you very much" (unsolicited). H initiated ml...I was beginning to wonder if that would ever happen again. He was enthusiastic. this morning he was cheerful and pleasant, enough so that it made me nervous. I know that's awful, but I can't seem to help it, I've had my hopes crushed so many times before. Against my better judgement, as we were hugging, I asked him if "the other thing is really over?" he said "yes, it is, why do you think it isn't?" and was just a tinge irritated. I told him I had no reason to believe it wasnt, but that I was just afraid to believe it actually was. His tone softened then, and he hugged me and said "well it is". As we were getting ready to leave for work, he again said unsolicited "I love you a lot".
I just feel so fragile right now, so frightened that my hopes will be dashed again, I don't know the answer to that.

It turns out that OW used to call him some of the names I did...Gorgeous Guy for instance, and that's why he'd get mad when I called him that. So I told him I'd have to come up with new names, and we joked about what might be available...He said "God would work fine"....I told him I was thinking more along the lines of "Hunk/Hottie", he said those were untaken by OW...so maybe it's good that we can start to joke a little about stuff. I don't know. Don't know what to think anymore.
I am thinking though that I need to start checking out the KLA forum. does it have info on "rebuilding"? I've been so focused on trying to get to this point, I've never even looked at it.

[debcb]

Hi Nevanna, I sure appreciate the input...it does help to know other people have seen the same weird stuff and survived. It helps a lot!

I wonder what these guys would think if they realized how they all sound exactly the same???

OH YEAH! I've often thought the same thing! I remember one time my H saying "I guess I'm just different, I don't react like your book predicts, and this situation is so different"...and I so distinctly recall just looking at him with a slight nod to validate, and thinking to myself, O Honey, if you only knew, you are so typical I can almost predict what you will say next because every one of you sings the same exact verse of the same exact song".

[Nevanna]

Against my better judgement, as we were hugging, I asked him if "the other thing is really over?" he said "yes, it is, why do you think it isn't?" and was just a tinge irritated. I told him I had no reason to believe it wasnt, but that I was just afraid to believe it actually was. His tone softened then, and he hugged me and said "well it is".

You might get a better response if you approach him differently. Have you tried "I'm feeling a little insecure, can I get a hug?" He might be misinterpreting you're asking him as an accusation.

I just feel so fragile right now, so frightened that my hopes will be dashed again, I don't know the answer to that.

Time.

I know that feeling. I hate it. It does get better...the best advice I can give you is to not pressure yourself, remember to do things to help relax, and to focus on building new, good memories together.

It turns out that OW used to call him some of the names I did...

Ick!

...and that's why he'd get mad when I called him that.

Hm. Sounds like he doesn't like to compare you to her--that he seems to think you're in a whole different class.

I told him I was thinking more along the lines of "Hunk/Hottie", he said those were untaken by OW...so maybe it's good that we can start to joke a little about stuff. I don't know. Don't know what to think anymore.

The joking is normal. H and I do the same thing... I think it's sort of like telling jokes at a funeral--breaks the tension. Some people deal with pain through humor.

I am thinking though that I need to start checking out the KLA forum. does it have info on "rebuilding"? I've been so focused on trying to get to this point, I've never even looked at it.

I felt more confused and more lost after we reconciled. I had been so focussed on the goal...I had no idea what to do once I got there. I have found the KLA CD's to be helpful.

I just...took it one day at a time. Focussed on using my H's LL. And kept posting on here.

[slowly]

Hi Deb - Sweetie, you are doing so well. I am so proud of you. Especially as I know first hand just how HARD this is.

The KLA stuff does help - I am finding that as I re-visit Michele's advise after a few of months, I am finding new meaning. It gives the reconstruction effort additional framework.

But mostly, visiting some of the other threads here, getting input from the wise ones, in short, this BB, has been my lifeline.

Thinking of you. Slowly

[debcb]

Hi Nevanna and Slowly, thanks so much for stopping by. I gotta check out the KLA stuff. I know what you mean when you say you were so focused on the goal you felt lost when you reconciled....that's exactly where I'm at, kind of like "what do we/I do now"....

I also keep thinking of the movie title "waiting to exhale". That's exactly how I feel, as though I'm holding my breath to see if it's FOR REAL this time. I'm trying so hard to keep my expectations low, although I don't know what I will do if he goes back to her this time.

[debcb]

I want so very much to believe that what he says is true. IF it is, I can finally consider us an actual success story in the making. I guess if he's home this weekend, doesnt go to do "paper work", it will go a long way towards helping me feel better. A long, long, long way, actually.

I'm beginning, ever so cautiously and slowly, to share with him some of my deepest feelings and thoughts. so far, he seems to have responded positively beyond my wildest expectations (as in saying the 9-page letter I gave him 2 weeks ago was the "deciding factor").

I got an email from him that I'm holding "close to my heart", just hope it's truely how he feels. I'd sent him a short email asking how he was doing because I hadnt heard from him, and told him I knew I was kind of weird and all over the place right now, that a lot of that was because I was still so afraid of losing him. At the end of the email he sent was this statement:

You don't need to fret about losing me, I love you and I'm not going nowhere. Later DB

Not the greatest grammar for someone with so many years of college, but I'll sure take the sentiment no matter how it's expressed. SURELY he wouldnt tell me that and then go back to her.

[41dk]

Deb-

I laughed right out loud at the "grammar" comment. LOL

And you are right he is surely not going anywhere (or nowhere). RELAX.

Dawn

[Nevanna]

Hey Deb--I know what you mean about the fear of sharing your feelings. I know with my H, I have to let a liiiiitle bit out at a time, or he gets overwhelmed. Sometimes leaves me frustrated. But, I've learned that with him, in the end he's very supportive. It's all in my approach. I'm glad to hear that your H is receptive. That's a good sign.

I'd sent him a short email asking how he was doing because I hadnt heard from him, and told him I knew I was kind of weird and all over the place right now, that a lot of that was because I was still so afraid of losing him.

Sounds like this may also work with your H--telling him that he's not the one making you feel uncomfortable.

This approached worked wonders with my H. Mine is sooo sensitive to criticism, that I had to make a concerted effort at responding to the positive. So I would say to him that it wasn't his fault, he was doing things great, I loved how he kept me informed on xrm, but I was feeling uneasy. That all I needed was a little reassurance. I went waaay out of my way to make sure that his telling me about xrm's activies made me feel better. (Instead of griping at him when he didn't.)

The other thing that worked with my H was telling him he was great at x or z. It was funny how, all of the sudden, he started doing more of x or z.

Wonder if these might work with your H??