I am at a loss at to what to do now. How do I help H through his grief? How do we start to rebuild our M?
How do I deal with my anxiety that they will start up all over again? I emailed H this morning, asked how he was, he responded he was "ok", and about needing tacos for a going away lunch for his co-worker tomorrow, when I responded I said I wished I could hug him, he just responded with the # of people. that seems so cold, maybe he's just busy or preoccupied, but I'm so afraid they will get back together. Things just feel so tenuous right now.
H didnt want to ml this weekend, so I just backed off, reminding myself to be his friend. How long does this last? is this "normal"????Help!??!
What will H do next? he has been so despondent and grief stricken this weekend, withdrawn. Will he become angry at me? maybe that's part of his seemingly cold response over email?
Thanks Nevanna, I think maybe we posted at the same time. This helps alot. I retrospect, it does seem like he opened up this weekend just a tiny bit at a time. So I guess the best thing is to keep being available, and willing to listen.
I am just terrified that they will get back together again. maybe not though, perhaps she truely is sick of hearing about me and has come to believe he will never leave. H never talked much about OW, I would have blown my stack if he did.
How long does it take for this intense grief to run it's course? H did eat last night, after not really eating all weekend, maybe that's a good sign.
I just wish there was something I could do "now" to get things "moving" more/again with us....but I guess patience, patience, patience?
On a scale of 1 to wise, I'm about a 2! But here goes....
I think that your H has realized all along that this was the right (morally)thing to do. Now you need to just give him time to realize that it was a good thing to do. My advice is to be less proactive and more reactive at this stage. (More monitoring and less experimenting?)
Quote: I'm not quite sure what to do, so I'm backed off physically from him, and he says "arent you going to hold me?" very wistfully, so of course I do hold him.
Seems to me that he is not having a problem letting you know when he needs something from you. On the other hand when you jump in head first.......
Would there be anything wrong with telling him ...."I know that you are having a hard time right now. I want to help you. Let me know what you need and I will be there for you otherwise I am going to give you some space."
Somewhere in your post I thought I read that the two of you discussed not spending quality time together. Aha! I found it...
Quote: He told me he had always hoped we would "work out", that he wants to do things as a family and just us together, that he thinks part of what we did wrong was not enough "couple time"
And then I read this....
Quote: D and SIL rented a movie and chips and dropped by yesterday
I would be thinking about making some plans for just the two of you.
Lastly, this jumped out at me....
Quote: it wasnt just a fling
Okay, if he wants to think that it was true love, just let him. In time he will see the truth. I think that the fact that he talked about you all the time to the OW is proof enough of who he was really in love with.
Hang on Deb, I think that you are in for some more drama from H as he goes through this grieving process.
Hi Dawn, I appreciate your input, and I think you rate way above a 2 in wisdom....I think you are right on target about everything you suggested, and I'm going to focus on implementing them.
You are so right about "couple time". I believe both of us have come to realize how very much we need that, and to believe that's part of how we went "astray". This past weekend was really disappointing in that we didn't get any...D and her new husband actually dropped by 2x, and we went to their place for a cook out. We may actually have to impose some limits, but we're kind of waiting to see if it doesnt settle down soon, she just got home after being gone all summer, and of course if they move 8 hours away that problem will go the other way. However, she was talking about having S come spend the weekend with them, and if she does, I'm thinking of "kidnapping" h and taking him to a hotel with a hot tub in the room....if he's not so wrapped up in grief he can't see straight.
I found it incredibly weird that he would be telling OW how I would have done things/thought she should have done them.....LOL, I think. I can't imagine why he would do that. If I was her, I would be very irritated by hearing constantly about how much better my lovers wife could do stuff....like "WTF are you doing here then?" but then, maybe she was, as he said "it used to always make her really PO'd"....I don't know why he would say it, unless it was a way to maintain some distance, or he was subconciously mulling over/comparing the two? Guess it doesnt matter, other than as a big score in the "tactless" column for him.
I'm thinking I'm going to have to keep on trying to maintain my own "life" and goals in order to keep my "self" in some state of stability to deal with this. Of course, that's a lesson I've learned at a dear price, so not one to let slide, either.
Hmmmmm, I'm just curious, any thoughts on how long I might expect this intense grief to last?
I believe the most appropriate thing to do is just to be warm and supportive as he works through it, it would seem that trying to push for "rebuilding" now would be way to soon and be likely to set us back??????
i don't think I fully comprehended how deeply he was going to grieve until now, when I actually see it.
I'm thinking I even need to be a little sensitive to his moods and tone down the cheerfulness, the " as if" outlook....seems like it would seem to him to be very insensitive for me to be all "happy" when he's hurting so badly. Actually, I think that's called mirroring....or something like that
I really don't know about the length of time to grieve. How did he handle grief in other situations?
Please don't get too down about the grief. Try to remember that he is not so much grieving the loss of her (yuck) but over himself, his life, and what he has made of it.
I would try to make sure that your D can take your S for the weekend. Why not be a little deceptive and tell everyone that you and H are going out of town but instead stay home for the whole weekend? Get some steaks and beer....and relax!
Hi Dawn, thanks... Frankly, I've never seen him grieve as deeply/openly over anything as he is over this. I don't doubt at all that he is really struggling.
I think I will see if S can't go visit D. We may just stay home, but I kinda think even just a little change of scenery might do H a world of good, even over night. If he's still so down, I'll just do the steaks and beer and we'll sit around and talk. He seems to enjoy that as much as anything, actually. It was kind of unfortunate that all the kids came flocking home about the time the flood gates opened.
say a prayer for me all, please! I'm going to a meeting then home, havent heard much from H all day, when I did he was pretty non-chalant/unresponsive. I won't see him till almost 9 tonight, I'm so afraid he'll go back to her.
IF he doesnt though, it will be week tomorrow, and I'm sure that's the longest "break" there's been.
Deb...look at it this way. He's not grieving OW, he's grieving the loss of his little fantasy land. I think that's harder than letting go of the actual person.
And you can't push it. He'll just have to go through the process at his own pace. If it makes you feel any better, I've been through two EA's--and H ended up hating both of them once he "woke up." (So I get perverse pleasure out of this...) Oh...and my H did the same thing...constantly talked about how great I was to xow (PA...xow is not xrm). Guess she actually got sick of it, and asked if they could talk about something else.
I hate this phase, to be honest with you. It sucks. You're probably going to have to hear more about how he misses her...how they did this and that together. Yuck. All I can tell you is to listen and validate. (I think that's been my whole life for the last seven months!)
But...the good news is...you get through this phase, and things get much, much better.
(So I get perverse pleasure out of this...) Oh...and my H did the same thing...constantly talked about how great I was to xow (PA...xow is not xrm). Guess she actually got sick of it, and asked if they could talk about something else. 
