I couldn't be happier for you. I am relieved to hear you say that now you "know". Guess it's time for phase II of your efforts...only this time you won't be doing it alone. Many congrats and good thoughts coming your way!
You are still a prize and very worthy of his pursuit. Let him pursue and reward him when he does. I think it will go a long way to help him heal. (I just re-read what I wrote...jeez, I made him sound like a pet...but you know what I mean.)
just an update, things seem to be "holding", that doesnt sound like much after just 36 hours, but H has gone back to OW so fast before, that I think it does count. One thing that's kind of weird, H is absolutely EXHAUSTED...the last 2 nights he's talked about how "hard" he's slept; last night I got home from work about 9:15, and he was in his recliner, almost asleep, just looking wiped out. very unusual. yet he doesnt have that "grief stricken" look that he has sometimes. This morning when I left for work, he was talking about how tired he was, that maybe he'd go back to bed for an hour...I told him maybe he should just crawl in and sleep as much as he needed to, and he said "maybe I will". this is VERY unusual. I hope he's not getting sick with the stuff I've got, but we thought he'd alread had it. I wonder if the exhaustion is related to the continual emotional turmoil of the A and getting to the point of deciding what to do? Has anyone else had this experience?
We have a long weekend coming up, I'm looking forward to a little extra time off, although it will be busy.
When he told me "that other thing is over", I didn't say much. I was pretty noncommital. I am wishing now I had asked him if that means no more phone calls, etc., or what his thoughts are...he said "no going back this time".... I am tempted to ask him what his thoughts are about this, but I wonder if I should just let it ride and take it at face value?
I feel like he's going to need a lot of support and encouragement to make it through this...i'm sure the blood sucking leech OW is not going to suddenly see the error of her ways and let him go. I'm kind of expecting her to pull out every guilt-inducing trick in the book and throw it at him. I wouldnt even be surprized if she makes some suicidal gestures. I'm thinking really hard how I can support him in his efforts so he can withstand the "onslaught". I can sure use some input here.
I asked him if I needed to be watching my back, and he said "no", but I'm not completely convinced. I say this because the woman has cold, dead, calculating "devil" eyes....I know that sounds dramatic but I don't know how else to describe it. I'm a big "eye" person, and I've never yet been led astray by the message I get in a person's eyes, I swear. And her eyes are the kind that make my blood run cold. So, I guess I will watch my back...and S's, and keep an eye on H's.
H told me OW has put herself on 40 mg. of Lexapro ( a newer antidepressaant.she gets them here at work and doesnt log them into the medication cabinet. this is a big no-no, I wont even go into the possible ramifications of this. But, I'm not sure, but I think that's a BIG dose of lexapro...Dr. tried me on 10 mg and it made me so sick we had to switch meds. My mom takes 5 mg because 10 is way to much for her. I guess what I'm getting at here is I'm thinking this woman is teetering on the edge in a lot of ways, and I'm not at all convinced she's going to go quietly.
It's the relief. The emotional burden is gone. Makes you tired.
Quote: When he told me "that other thing is over", I didn't say much. I was pretty noncommital. I am wishing now I had asked him if that means no more phone calls, etc., or what his thoughts are...he said "no going back this time".... I am tempted to ask him what his thoughts are about this, but I wonder if I should just let it ride and take it at face value?
Yes. (Although it's hard!)
Quote: I feel like he's going to need a lot of support and encouragement to make it through this...i'm sure the blood sucking leech OW is not going to suddenly see the error of her ways and let him go. I'm kind of expecting her to pull out every guilt-inducing trick in the book and throw it at him. I wouldnt even be surprized if she makes some suicidal gestures. I'm thinking really hard how I can support him in his efforts so he can withstand the "onslaught". I can sure use some input here.
I wouldn't be surprised. All you can do is be supportive, and let him handle it. I'm not sure how much you've kept up with my thread, but H's exroommate went off the deep end. (I think she's actually gone for good now!)
I had a bad gut reaction to xrm from the moment I first saw her. Something about her totally and completely creeped me out. She seemed...so...false somehow. H wouldn't tell me anything for a long time about her. I found out later, only a month after she had moved in, she started doing really weird stuff.
Anyway, I guess my point is, trust your gut about OW. (xOW?? ) I was right about xrm, it just wasn't obvious right away. (And yes, I went through a period where I had to look over my shoulder...)
Thanks Nevanna. Arent instincts weird? I guess that's one thing I have learned through all this, that they are most often reliable. I actually read on another website that part of the reason LBS's feel so blown away and "crazy" it that A's and WAS's make them doubt their instincts.
I've read some of your sitch....As I recall Xrm was doing all kinds of flying of the handle, weird accusations, etc?
I'm thinking I need to journal here to take stock of what's worked to get us this far. Hopefully this will maybe be helpful in formulating a plan to keep us going forward. Not going to do it right now though, too busy catching up at work so I can go enjoy the weekend. On the other hand, maybe that's good. Means I'm getting (have gotten????) a life...there was a time when I'd have sat here and obsessed all day and all weekend, hmmmm, unexpected progress there?
XRM...well, it's kind of funny now...she rewrote history in regards to her friendship with my H and thought they had a romantic relationship. I know this is not true, because things she said that happened couldn't have--H was with me or with his family. (I understand how she may have gotten the wrong impression...H does come across that way...) And I have literally seen her do this. He would tell me something she said, then he would tell me how she contradicted herself later.
And...things she said were completely confusing my H. She would get all nuts about him spending time with me. (She always called at some point.) She flipped out when he told her he was joining the army. Accused him of "trying to get rid of her" when he said he was going to move into his mom's save money.
She got even weirder. Told H that she knew where I lived, said "I know where she lives, I know where she sleeps." Actually yelled at him when she would see his car at my apartment. Told him that she was going to get a cat that looked like his and give it the same name. (Also thought she was going to get to keep the cats--one of which is mine!)
And then...this was when it really got strange...after we both moved--and we were reconciled--all of the sudden she wasn't "mad" at him anymore. It was like she thought they were "together" again. There was one time when she called him when he was on his way to see me at lunch, and then she got ticked at him because she said he was breaking a lunch date with her. (Keep in mind, he never made plans with her.) Then she got all crappy, said "it wasn't worth it" because he spent more time with me than her. (He was incredibly confused by the whole convo with her.) And then, a couple of days later, she had this whole "breakup" conversation with him--how it wasn't worth it, she "couldn't do it" anymore...the whole bit. (H got pretty excited then, thought she was gone...heh...)
After he moved, she kept insisting he give her directions to the house. (He refused.) She made reference to things I did with his family on the Fourth of July...when H hadn't told her. Accused me of being hostile on the phone when she called the house (MIL asked me to answer the phone)--H was standing right there when I did, so he knows what I said.
She asked for his necklace, the one he never takes off. Suggested they get matching tattoos--"as friends." She got to the point where she was calling him multiple times in a day, over and over, until he would answer the phone. She would call him in the morning and wake him up, when she knew his sleep schedule, just to "hear his voice."
Like I mentioned before, I just knew there was something "wrong" with her from the beginning. Bad vibes, bad aura, bad energy...however you want to label it. But it was there.
The whole thing was really bizarre. (I think I just gave you a rundown of all of the major stuff she's done in the last few months...LOL...) Although she never actually showed up at my place or his, and she never got anymore threatening than saying she knew where I was at...it was still not a fun experience.
I finally feel like she actually is gone. It's an incredible sense of relief.
I found out later that H thought she was nuts about a month after she moved in. (Less than a month after that, he had decided he needed to move. Getting her out was a real process...) I asked him one day if he was being so defensive about the whole thing because he was defending her...or because was defending his decision. He looked kind of sheepish, and admitted he really was just defending his decision. (And also didn't want to tell me things while it was happening because, well, he didn't want to upset me any more--I was already not handling it well.)
Oh...I also found out xrm told H about some weird little fantasies she was having--of hanging out, going shopping, doing things with MIL. Guess that's why she called her those times. (Did I mention that she called MIL?? MIL never talked to her. Couldn't stand her, actually. )
i'm so far behind, being off the bb 4 days, I'm not sure what to post. I need to post for journaling because I find I tend to forget all that transpires if I don't, there's so much going on. so, guess i'll try to just post day-by-day, and then I need advice...big time, I think.
So, lets see, Thursday, I came to owrk in afternoon and worked late, not much interaction w/H, I've been sick (sinus infection and bronchitis) and S and H have been also.Hard to feel crappy physically and deal with this other stuff. I did get an ILY email from H that day, and when I got home he was watching tv in his recliner, almost passed out, instead of lifting weights/exercising as usual.
--Friday I came work for my usualy 1/2 day, came home to lunch w/H, he wasnt feeling well still, we napped, puttered around the house. We did ML that night, but H seems kind of withdrawn, "down"
--Saturday, H is exhuasted....we take an early afternoon nap....really do sleep, I'm feeling so crappy it's probably good, but starting to feel horny. After we get up, I comment to him "you know what's going to happen before long, don't you?" he asks "what?" and I tell him "soon I'l have to rip your clothes off and have my way with you"...just joking, but WRONG thing to say at the time....he gets really upset/angry and say's "I'm NOT feeling like that now!!!". And, DUH, it dawns on me just how much he really is grieving this breakup. later I go to him and tell him that I'm sorry for being so insensitive, that I understand things are very difficult for him, and wish there was something I could do to help. Tell him ILY....he starts to get weepy and wistful and tells me that he's more sick emotionally than physically. went to inlaws for nephews b-day party, H is "grumpy" and with drawn, on the way home he talks about how aggravated he gets with them, how he's sometimes "about ready to give them up".... Several times during the day on Saturday and Sunday, H said ILY unsolicited....H DID NOT go do "office/paper work" Saturday, never even said a word about it. So, that explains that, I was right all along, he's been going to be with her. Also, suddenly I notice in the checkbook that H's "gasoline" expenditures dropped from $100.00/week to $20. Imagine that.
--Sunday, We go to D & SIL's for supper. H is quiet, withdrawn, sad. He does his weights in the afternoon, complains of not feeling well. I come out and ask him if it's physical or emotional, he says "both", and gives me the saddest look. Later he tells me he's feeling really sad over "this break-up" and it's going to take time for him to work through it, but that he will be ok...We took a nap in the afternoon, and I'm not quite sure what to do, so I'm backed off physically from him, and he says "arent you going to hold me?" very wistfully, so of course I do hold him.
Yesterday-Monday, the flood gates are suddenly opened. S stayed allnight Sunday with a cousin, so we were freer to talk. H walked for about three hours, I asked how he was when he got home and he said "ok for as close to crying as he was"....he had no appetite....we sat and talked(he talked, I listened and tried to validate) for most of the afternoon...he talked about how he thought I didnt care and would just be glad to see him go (?????!!!???) and so he fell in love with her and it wasnt just a fling, how she had told him he had to much integrity to ever get a divorce and she admired that, how he had told her he would never leave our home/family, that he was sick of the sneaking and lying and it was making him sick, now maybe he'll get over his sinus infections, stomach upsets, etc.,; that it was not going to go anywhere so it needed to end but it was so hard, it wasnt just a fling. He talked about how he always told her about how smart I was, how much better I was at everything and that it would infuriate her (?????!!!!!WTF) and she would say "cant I be best at ANYTHING"? I didnt ask but I cant figure out why he would tell her stuff like that??????? It would sure make me mad...I guess he even told her she painted her bedroom too dark a color, and what I would say she should have painted it?????....which really didnt go over well. He told me he had always hoped we would "work out", that he wants to do things as a family and just us together, that he thinks part of what we did wrong was not enough "couple time" (I believe he's right) and that led in part to us losing track of priorities. He put his head on my shoulder and cried numerous times....Talked about OW being a good person ( after he told me last week what a bitch she is) and how that makes the break up so much harder....He said I was right, that we had to get the other person out of the relationship to see what we have****(?????), talked about that he wants to go by ourselves to a favorite really old hotel in D's college town....how he's looking forward to our short trip the end of October...Sometime in the conversation, he said if I was going to throw him out, now was the time to do it. He also said that she became very demanding, wanting him to do things especially towards the end, that he would say "I'm not ready to do"...I was tactless and asked "what" and he was quiet, then said, "not come home, she would always say "stay, just don't go home, and other things.... which is not a good way to get me to do things". So, listening between the lines, I feel pretty sure I know what happened, OW gave him the ultimatum and it backfired. My heart is in my throat hopping he doesnt go back though. H also commented "I always came home and was always on time though" as though it's a point of pride with him???? I validated and said "yes you did, and I was always so glad you did" even though I wanted to choke him.
H actually commented "you really had an excellent strategy in this thing" (WTF?) meaning the "act as if" and backing off, the 180's, letting her be the one to make demands while I concentrated on making home "great"....he talked about that being how he knew I loved him unconditionally.
Weird thing is, I had such an overwhelming mix of emotions, I cried and cried and cried. I would have thought I would be overjoyed, which I'm happy, but I'm also very sad at his pain, terribly sorry for my part in contributing to where we got to, frightened that he will go back to her, frustrated that I can't do much to help him (he even commented that it's his grief that he'll have to work through).
D and SIL rented a movie and chips and dropped by yesterday evening (we didnt have much alone time this weekend even with S being gone some)....after the movie H just left the room and went to bed. I said good bye, saw the kids off and closed the house up, went up to bed, and H said he was sorry, but he had such a headache and was getting so tearful he just had to go to bed. I snuggled up to him and held him, and he said he liked that and it helped him. We talked and cried quite a bit even after going to bed, I told him I wasn't sure where my tears came from, he said it was probably from being so anxious for so long, but that I didnt have to worry anymore, that we would be fine.
In the middle of the night, it was weird, I woke up and he was out of bed the hall light was on, so I knew he'd gone downstairs, I don't know how long he was gone. Maybe he was back on the phone with her, don't know what to think. he came back upstairs shortly after I woke up, got in bed, said "can I hold you for a while, I was missing you, I had a bad dream" and pulled me close. I went back to sleep with him holding me.
This morning when we went to do chores, he seemed more cheerful. After he came in the house, he went to the basement and came up with a CD. I was packing lunch in the kitchen and said "special CD?" he said "Tom Petty, I like that & thought I'd take it", went out to the garage and was gone quite a while....just unusual "stuff", and of course since my heart is in my throat, I'm so on edge.
I emailed him this morning to ask how he was as I didnt hear from him, got a response that said "oh, I'm ok" but not very enthusiastic....said our business is down, which doesnt bode well, of course. I replied and havent heard anything else.
Can some of you wise veterans help me pick out the pertinent points here?
Don't know if I'm "wise" but I'll take a crack at it...
Your H is in deep pain. He opened up to you--big time--and you did a great job of validating.
My guess is now he's crawled back up into his cave for a little while to process some more. It was a flood for him, and now he needs some alone time. It's too much to handle all at once.
BTW...haha...OW got tired of hearing about you. That's a good sign.
Oh--I keep noticing his theme of "I didn't know that you loved me." That's the reason he's citing for the affair. He responds to affection very well (but right now doesn't want the sexual understones).
I'm thinking maybe a nice e-card...maybe something with some light humor?...to let him know you're thinking of him. So he knows you care, but you're not "intruding" on his space. Or maybe a nice e-mail "I know you're having a hard time, just wanted to tell you ILY."
I don't think questioning him on his pulling back would be helpful. I did notice that he's asked you several times for comfort. Maybe you could wander by his area later and leave him a small present? Like with a cute note?
It's an incredible sense of relief. 
I asked him one day if he was being so defensive about the whole thing because he was defending her...or because was defending his decision. He looked kind of sheepish, and admitted he really was just defending his decision. (And also didn't want to tell me things while it was happening because, well, he didn't want to upset me any more--I was already not handling it well.)