Quote: Sage, If you read this, I believe I recall you posted on my earlier thread that you pursued your H....In what way did you pursue him?
Deb -- Well, first off, early on in DB days I definitely didn't pursue h (back when he was unsure about whether or not to stay in the M) but I was OPEN to being around him and didn't aggressively use the DB tactic of "getting a life" since part of the problem was that I HAD a VERY ACTIVE life that had little or nothing to do with my h or M...
But, I'd say that you're we're both past that phase now, right? so a bit of pursuit ....
Early days I brought home videos or DVDs that I knew he would be interested in -- I'd ask if he wanted to watch with me.
I snuggled up and watched the stuff that he was watching on TV -- even if it wasn't normally something that interested me
Same with reading stuff on-line or in the paper -- showed a real interest in the things that he was interested in.
VERY slowly asked him out on a date...by planning someplace for dinner or a movie that I knew he would like
Would make sure that the food he liked was stocked in the fridge!
Would celebrate a special occasion with champagne (or a fancy beer!)
Etc.
The key for me was showing 100% enthusiasm for his interests and being focused when he was talking.
ONE thing that is CRITICAL is to NOT overdo this -- I think you are as high energy as I am and it's VERY easy to get sucked into planning EVERYTHING (that will take the wind our of his sails!) -- so plan things but only half as often as you might want -- but do it with 100% enthusiasm!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I have to confess that reading your thread makes me wistfully yearn for the days when it seemed like my H and I were moving closer together and not further apart. Hard to believe that was just a month ago.
You are singing my song about distance that was created in a marriage through mis cues and poor communication. I can remember H even saying "you never want to listen to me talk about work." And then a few months later he would say "I don't tell you stuff about work becuz I don't want to worry you." And I thought I was listening but for some reason he didn't perceive it that way.
There were also many misunderstandings about sex I had to have things just so b4 I was even interested. I needed to feel loved to and H needed to to show his love.
And I think I thought that my H was not the type to have an A, that he was a faithful devoted family man. Esp since his dad took their family down with his own A, I thought H would never go that route.
One day I am going to start a thread devoted to people's history of infidelity in their and their spouses family of origin. I am guessing that the seed doesn't fall too far from the tree and the sociologist in me would love to find out.
Any way, it seems like you are keeping on your toes, monitoring what works and doesn't. Keep the faith.
It has been so long! If you remember my computer was acting up. It was so strange, I could read the BB and other sites but was unable to type ANYTHING. We thought for sure it had crashed. After many attempts to fix the damn thing it ended up that we needed a new key board. Sounds simple, I know, but the problems seemed more complex than just a keyboard...sigh. Anyway, I'm back!
So I have kept up with your thread as best I could. I am replying to this post in particular because something you wrote jumped out at me. Let's see if I can get this "quote" thing to work....
Quote: don't know if I posted last thursday, but I got an email from him that said "I don't like it when you pull back and withdraw"...
Well, the first thing that popped into my head was....he may NOT like it but 1. doesn't mean it's not GOOD for him and 2. it does seem to get his attention, doesn't it?
Seems as if he only likes the pursuit for so long before he starts complaining about clinginess. (?) (JMHO)
Remember the idea that you are a prize to be won? Why not let him pursue you for a change? If he is wondering about you and what you are doing, it doesn't leave him as much time to think about OW.
He is definately sensitive to your moods. I remember the "why so cold" email. Try using that to your advantage.
He seems very pre-occupied with trying to please both of you in order to keep his options open. And frankly, this just burns me up! Sorry. JMHO, don't make it so incredibly easy for him.
I will stop here. I am really interested in your thoughts. And I really don't want to offend you in anyway. I think highly of you and all of your efforts to save your marriage.
Hi Dawn, It's so good to here from you....I was thinking about you a couple of days ago, wondering how you were! it's nice it's a keyboard and not something worse! I think you're right in many, many aspects of what you're saying...I gotta try to post about last night though. I was out sick yesterday and part of today and have a class to teach, so am way behind, but last night was big, I believe
thanks Nevanna, it's so helpful to know somebody else has seen things in their sitch that seem to go "against the grain" of dbing....I need to check up/catch up on you, hope to do that soon.
Sage, Thanks for the ideas...this is a lot of what I've been doing, almost to a T, so It's great to know it's worked for someone. The advice about doing 1/2 as much as you think of is good though, I swear I can get myself into such a whirl wind that I think I could make H want to run and hide, even in the best of times , so I need to watch that too!
Ah, Pam, we've learned so darned much the very very hard way, havent we? I still can't figure out your H's train of thought. I believe you're absolutely right though when you said (I think on your thread, havent had time to post today) that someday he'll come face to face with what he's done.
Ok, a minute to post. H got home from work yesterday eve, and I was laying in bed cause I'd been home sick and felt LOUSY....any way, we started talking, he was warm and friendly, and I said something "mushy"...then kind of apologized for it, and he said "it's ok, I have 25 years of not hearing it to make up for, I never got to hear it"....I was shocked and went and hugged him, he hugged back, held me actually, and whispered in my ear that "that other thing is over, no going back this time"....now notice I am CALM this time, but I can't help but think H means it....he was calmer, less distressed, seemed more "at peace", "determined" with the decision? We talked a lot, he said that he had come to see that he was so infatuated with her, "just like you said"...I told him that had made him so angry I decided it was counter productive and stopped saying it, and he said "yes, but I was listening and began to look and began to see it after a while"....He said he came to see that I'm the better person who truely loves him, that everything with her had to be her way, there was no compromise, said I was a "class person (so does that mean it's good I resisted the urge to punch her lights out?)...He snickered in a naughty way and said he'd always told her that and it really used to make her PO'd... He said he started to see her angry, personality disordered side, how she only wanted what she wanted and didn't care about what she did to anyone else to get it, didn't care how devastated other people would be as long as she got what she wanted, commented " I suppose I did seem like quite a catch after what she was used to"... Told me how mean and nasty and angry she gets, how she has trouble bonding to people, how she would tell him they would "just leave" and go off together, it would be ok,....how he would say "no I cant do that" that he couldnt stand the thought of giving up not just our little family but our rowdy big extended families, and she would get mad about that....told me about her break up with her live-in boyfriend, (another mess), and on and on. H said that he began to more and more want to be at home rather than with her/at her place, that that started last winter with the movie nights/fireplace and that it just grew, he realizes how good God has been to us and what a miracle it is to have made it as far as we have....
He also said the letter I gave him Saturday night was the deciding factor (I've written on it and rewritten and carried it around for months, almost threw it away) So, I guess some of the things I've done have been right....He also said he'd always wanted "us" to work out.....
I did tell H that I felt excited, that it felt like I was just REALLY getting to know him for the first time after all these years, and he commented "you probably are"....
He went for a walk, asked me when he got back if I'd written him a long letter, when I told him no but I had been working on something for him, he said he could write them to, & I told him I'd LOVE to get one....so we shall see.
Oh, he also OW was not able to understand concepts and relationships, that she wasn't able to make changes in her life, he thinks she's bright enough but she just cant "grasp it"...and that she doesnt seem to have the ablity to look at situations from outside her point of view. interesting, I guess he's REALLY noticed the changes I've tried to make, although the morphing is far from complete (never will be done, probably)
H worries about OW's D, and the environment she provides her (doesnt provide is more like it), that she's probably an unidentified gifted child who feels so lost and alone, and will end up pregnant at 14. Sad, sad situation.
So anyway, I hope and pray this is IT....someone posted on my thread once that I would "know" when it was done....I THINK I know.
I've learned so very much in this process, so much more to learn! I feel like we're maybe just now standing on the "starting line" together ready to move forward.
Deb, Totally, totally awesome. I hope and pray with everything that is in me that this is indeed the real deal this time, no turning back.
I am actually crying happy tears for you, no lie, I am so glad that it looks like things are working out for you two.
When your D is totally busted don't forget all your friends here on the bb. We love you and really really want this to be the real thing.
Pam
ps. Don't forget that I was the one who used to say when your H was being so weird that he was NOT going to leave you. I am glad I was right and it seems that I could read your H better than I could my own.
and H needed to 
, so I need to watch that too! 
(so does that mean it's good I resisted the urge to punch her lights out?)...He snickered in a naughty way and said he'd always told her that and it really used to make her PO'd...