I'm sure the old thread is about to lock, so I'll try to get this one up and going, seems like I might need it today.Link to old thread here, I hope:http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=752224&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
to kind of keep on track, I thought I'd post my recap of last nights crap here: bad, bad night last night. My eyes are so swollen from crying that I look like an alien this morning. How's that for bad dbing? I'm just in la la land trying to think what to do next, I guess I should start a new thread here for one thing. I feel like all this has been for nothing, nothing has changed with H, only that I'm more vulnerable now in many ways. Damn, there come the tears again.
H and I didnt feel well last night, went to bed early, he said "I'll be back in a minute" and left the room. 45 minutes later, I realized the house was dark and H was nowhere around....S had gone to bed and turned off the lights....I got up, went downstairs, and H was on phone with the b---h in the basement. When he came up, I told him I didn't appreciate the lies and deceptions and have had just about enough.....lost my temper and asked him if he and Donna got their plans made, where would they meet tomorrow night when he takes his "long walk" and would it be Saturday or Sunday this weekend.....not good, I know. He was mad that all the lights were turned off on him (?????) and that I was "Hawk eyeing" him ....which of course means that I'm supposed to avoid going anywhere or doing anything in my own home that may bring his activities into the light of day.... Went back to bed, of course he's mad because this is all my fault, I drove him to it, blah blah blah blah....I confronted him with my knowledge that he didnt' go to his uncles funeral, that he goes to OW's everyweek end when he's supposedly "working".....he didnt deny any of it. Said I was being "venemous"????????? and that showed him that everything I'd done was "just a fake".....I asked what I was doing that was venemous, evidently bringing the matter up when it's right before my eyes and shedding tears are what he was referring to.... He said he just gets to thinking " wow this could really be great and then everytime you do this".....It occured to me that I am no longer willing to accept the blame for the poor choices he makes, I've worked very hard to do what I can in this R, and it REALLY feels like he's just been stringing me along. I told him I do have an STD...bad dbing, (many threads back, I got the joy of dealing with HPV).....he didnt say a word. I've been keeping quiet about it, not wanting to have it influence what he does. He made a comment that he should go to her house "now"....I told him to go if that's where he wants to be. Told him I have a real hard time comprehending how such a wonderful person and relationship as he has w/OW could turn him into such a deceitful liar....he said if I thought he thought things were great with her, I was wrong, that they werent, but he was so miserable and depressed with me before that he can't let her go.?????????WTF?????? I've been struggling in the back of my mind all week with the pain of giving up on this M, which frankly is about where I'm at, thinking what steps I need to take first to take care of myself, and really questioning if I truely want to be married to this person. I still love him, I don't doube that, and that makes it that much harder. I cried alot as this all hit me for the thousandth time. turned away and just cried. later he put his arm around me, then initiated ML....he always does that after one of these episodes, I have no clue why, and he's always, and was last night very tender. I guess I go along to get my mind off of stuff, but maybe I'll have to give that up.
this morning he was up of course to talk w/OW, brought me coffee, said I love you.... I made some comment about that I've always thought we could make things really good, and he said "I'd love to talk about this but I have to go to the bathroom"....I told him "go", and left myself....sure he'd love to talk about it....his way of dealing with everything is to have his head so far into the sand he cant even start to pull it out, and I'm supposed to just go on playing the happy fool through all this? I havent talked to him since then, I put his lunch out, waited on the porch with S for the School bus, and then left for work.
I saw OW got to work early this morning, which is very unusual..........
I'm trying to think what to do next.... --I have the letter I wrote, I guess I'll read through it and edit and go ahead and give it to him, just so I know I've said that to him in plain english/black and white. --I'm in no position financially to leave right now, but I guess I'll start thinking about what I need to do that.... --I need to find out more about divorce laws and about annulments....guess I need to make and appointment with an attorney and one with a priest.... --I need to find out about weight watchers meetings, I think they would help me --I need to make plans for something fun for the weekend, maybe S and I will take off for the lake when H takes off. --I really want to get a new bike, not sure if I should buy one yet or not, we've had such a financial mess (Oh, yeah, he brought up last night about that mess, and how I spend all his money. This from a guy who never balanced a check book before we got married and sure hasnt done it since...) guess maybe i need to figure out a budget plan for doing that and wait a little.. --I'm going to call today and drop the 888 number we have at home. I got it for the kids, but they don't use it and i think that's one way OW calls, don't know why I should enable/make it easy --I'm going to call and drop all the cell phones from the plan except H's, see if I can have the bill moved from my name to his. That will probably save 70 bucks a month, and I'll just get myself a prepaid one, I pretty much only use mine for emergencies anyway. That way I don't have to have that rubbed in my face all the time (still hurts, the whole shebang was a father's day gift I got him one year, feels like another betrayal that he uses my gift to plan and sneak with OW. I'm not sure what else I need to do .....cant think real straight right now.......??????? I still have more tears to cry....... I have no clue how to db from here on out or if it's even worth trying. Oh yeah, one more thing to put on my list is to get to work checking into grad schools, I've only done it in fits and starts, tiny ones at that, because I don't know what I want to do.
I wanted to copy this post from Sage here so I can find it easily to "ponder" more
Quote: My two cents?
Say "thanks for your note. My leg is ....(fill in the blank)"
Not bitchy in any way but just answering at face value...I wouldn't suggest getting involved in more R talks over email (again, JMHO).
I'm sorry you're going thru this and for the roughness of the night...to continue to offer up my Opinion
I'd pull out your copy of DR -- not to "save your M" but because it's just darned good reading.
I'd not make any sudden moves and that includes rushing into R talks (tho' apply the details of your own sitch here, obviously! seems as though you're both in heighted emotion mode right now and that's a good time (ha) to say things that get "regretted")
I would make 3 simple short term goals for yourself to keep you focused...1 for YOU (you mentioned WW, maybe that's it), 1 just for fun (go have a massage, whatever) and 1 to continue addressing your highest priority issue in your m that YOU control (what was the most pointed thing that h threw at you last night?) -- again -- this isn't to SAVE anything per se, it's to keep you moving forward because I personally think it makes a person feel good to address issues. (maybe that's just me)
And here's the hardest one...I would drop the rope completely about OW...I think you've been doing a great job with the tangible side of this but your posts still seem SO FOCUSED on her...what time she comes into work, etc -- even before last night -- DROP IT -- STOP thinking about her -- you are wasting precious energy on someone and something you cannot control right now..
Now, I'm not suggesting for a minute that you should have to live in a M with an OW but deb, all the angst in the world isn't helping and it just seems like it's torquing you up.
FOCUS ON YOU, YOU, YOU...turn all of your energy inward right now.
also wanted to copy this from dfb for reference Deb - you need to take care of you! Plus, how about you start getting up and making phone calls to friends and such? Let him wonder what you are doing! Go out, have fun, and just leave him in the dust for now. Go to Weight Watchers, go to the Y, take up bowling or something. Do things that make you happy, okay? Because this isn't.
He is blaming you, and you aren't the problem. He has to work this out himself, you cannot make him do that. Last year I'd have loved to have sabatoged BF's R with ex-OW, but I didn't. Now, I did pursue him - but I didn't tell her anything that we were doing. It has to be on your H's time, and it HAS to be his choice. It is your choice to either put up with it or not, and I'd understand if you chose not to deal with the crap anymore. But if you try to end it yourself, he may blame you later.
I don't know how wise it is, but if it works I guess it works. Weird, but H & I have had an email conversation this morning.I know Sage, that's against your advice...and I usually follow that kind of a suggestion to a "T" but it's almost like all this pent-up stuff came pouring out...more from him than I usually get, and I felt like I could say what I thought with out getting upset. I've been observing our responses to each other from an emotional view point. I see him coming close when I back up...he actually kind of hung in there today and we discussed communication issues.
I responded to his first email, about not getting to say good bye, pretty much in line with Sage's suggestion: "thanks for the note, I appreciate it. Hope your day goes well, too. The leg is about the same, maybe not as sore." his response was a surprise, 3 words: WHY SO COLD? (certainly got his attention) I replied that I was having a tough time not being emotional, and he wrote back that he understood. he replied that it made sense and he was sorry, I did say ILY (I know, 2x4) and then got this reply.
Quote: I LOVE YOU TOO. I don't know what happened for those 10 long years, but it was so great in the beginning and it has been so much better for the past 6 months. Please just hang in there today. DB
I know not to get my hopes up, but it does give me a glimmer of encouragement that he admitted it WAS great (used to say it was a mistake we ever got married, it was just a rebound thing) and to hear him acknowledge that things have been so much better in the last 6 months is so helpful. Frankly it affirms that my perceptions and instincts are not "whacko" and I have been doing some things right, and he has noticed and liked the changes. for him to admit things have been better feels huge. he's NEVER done that before. Could be he's just stringing me along, but we had a discussion we've never had before about emotions and honesty and he can't understand the no ILY guideline, and thinks that's part of what got us into trouble, and he doesnt like it when I pull back and withdraw emotionally....actually said those exact words, "I don't like it when" that is helpful...I can work with knowing what doesnt work just as well as what does....and I can look for new ways that are better, although that will be hard, because I think this is a long-standing pattern of behavior. It was kind of exciting to be able to have this kind of "real" discussion, even if it was by email
Hi Deb - I'm sorry this roller coaster is still all over the place. Sweetie, you may want to back off for a while, have zero expectations and just re-group.
Quote: I've been observing our responses to each other from an emotional view point. I see him coming close when I back up...he actually kind of hung in there today and we discussed communication issues.
Sounds like you have found what works, and it has the benefit of giving you time to think and research your options. Please remember to be kind to yourself.
And yes, this is hard, and the longer it goes on, the harder it gets. Even when it is over, it is not quite over. Last night, I saw NG re-reading the parting email he sent OW - it was so tempting to ask him why, but I just went on with my own stuff. He appreciated the space. But Deb, it was soooo hard not to ask.
You can do this. You can figure out what is best for you. Slowly
Quote: I don't know how wise it is, but if it works I guess it works. Weird, but H & I have had an email conversation this morning.I know Sage, that's against your advice...and I usually follow that kind of a suggestion to a "T" but it's almost like all this pent-up stuff came pouring out...more from him than I usually get, and I felt like I could say what I thought with out getting upset. I've been observing our responses to each other from an emotional view point. I see him coming close when I back up...he actually kind of hung in there today and we discussed communication issues.
Deb -- It IS wise if it works
Sounds like you DB'd perfectly...responding to the changing sitch ... also, you gave your h the opportunity to ASK you what was going on (instead of telling him in response to his question about your leg)...I think you said it yourself...you see him moving closer to you when you back off -- that's a really good observation for you and your sitch!
Sounds like you both did great
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I've been thinkin about ya while I was away from the board this past week.
To borrow some words from my now deceased grandma, it "gripes my fanny" that your H is still blaming you for his failures, namely not making the break from OW. It makes me mad that he puts this off on you with the lines like "you had this won" or calling your changes "fake."
You are a saint for putting up with him and I'd like to slap him for not getting the fact that you can only do so much without reciprocity on his part.
Any chance that you could go for counseling in another town?
Keep the faith. I don't know what it will finally take to open his eyes, all I know is that he has to do it for himself.
Hi Pam, It's good to hear from you....I was wondering how you were doing and what was going on...I gotta get over and see what's up with you.
Your grandma must have known my grandma (one of them!) She used that same expression, and believe me would be saying it REALLY gripes her fanny, and she'd have either a) gave him a "good piece of my mind" (another expression of her's) or B) made him wish she'd just slap him silly and get it over with (she was Irish through and through) ah, well, I guess I can at least chuckle today. Interesting weekend, I'll post in a minute about it....I don't know, as ever, what to think, so I try to not think to much ( another piece of advice from my grandmother)
