Hi Nitaf, Dawn and Pam....thanks all for your input....I'm so busy at work today, don't have much time to think about anything else, which is good....I havent sent ANY email to H today, have had no contact w/him....he usually emails me 1st and hasnt, so I'm thinking maybe I'll just "go dark" for today here at work....I would be in trouble if I sent him the email I was thinking of and it somehow got intercepted....I could put it in his lunch on a card or even mail it to him one of these days....so, I guess maybe that's the "independent" streak coming out a little....This is another way in which H is so weird, and it's hard to find a balance....He feels resentful if he has too much responsibility, and yet I believe he feels like he's "just another piece of furniture and a paycheck" (his exact words)if he's NOT needed???????WTF????? I believe OW's "need/want" for him is/was part of her attraction, but I know he also see's her independence (? I read it as manipulation, but that's another story) as appealing.....who knows.....but anyway, today I think maybe I'll just sit this one out and see what he's like when he gets home at 8:30 tonight.....keep myself busy and occupied.....
Pam, I know I am very lucky (95% of the time, anyway!) that he's still home....I thank God everyday for that blessing....this sounds really screwy considering our current sitch, but the guy still is my best friend and my lover....and we still have what in my book are good times and talks and loving....and fun...I have trouble comprehending what it would be like not to have him there, which may be bad because it could be that it lets this mess go on longer, I don't know.....but then maybe the "good stuff" helps give us a foundation to rebuild on.....
So, hmmmm, now I'm almost talked into emailing him....
Oh, I don't think I ever posted, S heard him call OW last Thursday while i was working late (bleh), said the call was about 10 minutes and his Dad sounded aggravated and irritated, just heard mumbling and the tone of voice, no conversation.....S has told me that just before I found out about A, H used to spend all evening on the phone w/OW while I was at work and was "real cheerful and happy".....maybe ever so very s-l-o-w-l-y this is dying off?
I still havent finished the letter I started to H....I will try to do that when I have time, just to get all my thoughts and emotions in order. don't know if I'll give it to him....
I'm also thinking I might put together a time line for all this and post it in MLC to get some ideas on where he's at....it seems like this has been building for a very long time. Of course if there are a lot of childhood issues involved, it has....
Hey all, just thought i'd hop on for a minute...gotta catch up on stuff for work tonight, so not much time.... Pam, you mentioned how I never spent much time feeling sorry for myself, well this evening I think I'm blowing that..maybe not sorry for myself, but incredibly frustrated with H's still being w/OW, and with trying to figure out what to do next (other than strangle one or both of them, that is) The flirting seems to work, being kind of coy, clingyness and angst sure does not work, I think "acts of service" and words of afirmation have more of an effect than he wants to let me know....last night the guy was HORNY....LOL...after I sent him the email that I was missing him and spending time w/him....he's told me he likes cards and emails, but I'm afraid of overdoing it or being too predicable and so pull back...I didn't hear from him at all today, didnt email him...
Do any of you see that I've made progress in my sitch? sometimes it's so hard to see from the inside....
I guess one good thing, the fear is not there....Frustration in MEGA doses, but not fear.......I hope it's gone for good.
Quote: Do any of you see that I've made progress in my sitch? sometimes it's so hard to see from the inside....
Progress or no progress, I see a strong woman who persistantly DBed her best, never one moment tire of thinking/planning/implementing new things to improve herself/her situation and who has not and does not appear that she will give up anytime soon....And you deserve only the best...
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Quote: Do any of you see that I've made progress in my sitch? sometimes it's so hard to see from the inside....
OMG! Yes, Yes and YES!!
It is sounding like you've got your H thinking "big time" about his whole "situation"!!! I know its sporadic ... but that seems like how it all works. They "peak" out and then step back and "peak out" and step back. It's a process and takes time (unfortunately).
Not only is there movement in your situation, but the changes in you are phenomenol.(sp?) You MUST know that ...don't you?? Keep telling yourself that. You are one special person and quite obviously getting better every day!!
Thanks, BnB & TC, this helps a lot....I get so confused because just as you say, it seems that he "peeks out" and then steps back and then "peeks out" and steps back...again and again and again...at least it has seemed this way to me, although I've had trouble describing it as aptly as you just did....it helps to know this is pretty common...I read the same thing posted by psluke on Pamila's thread....I have a sense that he come out a little further and steps back a little less far each time...I hope that is accurate...
I don't know, sometimes he is so tender and sweet and I hear the laughter in his voice, and see a loving twinkle in his eye when he looks at me, and then in what seems like the blink of an eye he is abrupt and emotionally distant and I have done absolutely nothing different (I've become convinced that these episodes are not from anything i did or didnt do; there are some things that happen because of what I did/didn't do, but they are usually "big" "falling out" types of things, and I'm learning to avoid bringing those on... I guess I am also learning the best way to handle these, which seems to be to ignore them and keep being warm and friendly but not "overly" friendly...
I can see that I've changed, a lot in a short time, actually. I think I'm more easy going, more fun, less of a worry wart, much more interested in the sensual side of life, and tuned into it and enjoying it more much more forgiving, more interested in figuring out how to relate to him in a way that meets his needs.... But I am not afraid....still sad at the possibility of having to live my life with out him, but not afraid. Tired, but not blown away, if that makes sense....frustrated and short on patience, but not ready to throw in the towel (strangle him maybe, but not throw in the towel). I'm very tuned into look for ways to crawl out of and stay out of the predictable "rut" that we let our life become....bleh....I gotta get that overturned, that is slow going.... So, yeah, I guess personally I've come a long long way....
I need to really get to work on weight loss again...I havent gained any back, but it has sure slowed down, and I have a long way to go.....
It may be too pursuing, but I just sent this email to H:
"Hi...I found myself thinking of you and my neck turning red, so I thought I'd just tell you you've been on my mind. hope your day is going well.... I look forward to seeing you!"
I didnt hear from him or email him yesterday....thought of sending him a spicy one and didn't.....last night when we went to bed I told him I'd been looking forward to snuggling him all day, and he said " thanks".... so, I guess well see how he responds to this one.
oh my, I was just thinking I had upped my own anxiety level because I didnt get a response from H, and then this response pops up:
Quote: Thanks, just had a really tough session. I'm going for a long walk tonight, but when I get back maybe we could find some snuggle time?
I was so afraid the email I sent was too pursuing and forward, but I'm thinking this is a really positive response.....do you all think so? I am so afraid I read too much into things that some times I think I may discount things too much....thoughts?
I emailed him back that I was sorry it had been rough, and I would absolutely love some snuggle time.......now I'm excited to see him!hmmmm, even if there's no nookie involved, I absolutely love to cuddle up in his arms. mmmmmmmmmmmm, good!
much more forgiving, more interested in figuring out how to relate to him in a way that meets his needs....