Quote: ... and it struck me that I can't do this to the best of my ability if I'm still stuck on wanting to be with the CAW of "yesterday". Still have to figure out exactly what my goals of the present are yet to be. Will work on that over the course of my days off.
I'm hearing you on that. I've been doing so much thinking my head hurts! Now the question is "do we like the new version?
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Hey..KAW..I ahve been so busy and tired all the time, I barely get around here much..and my emailing is even worse..I can't decide if it is age or if I really am so busy that I am not finding the time to take care of me..and part of that is chatting with old friends..making new ones here..I feel guilty that I have abandoned all the people here that have been a huge part of where I am today..
Will email you soon..until then take care..enjoy your time to kick back..I am off this week..but again..cleaning..painting..trying to shape up the house for a 4th picnic.
As always you provide food for thought! If we are evolving or changing, than aren't they too? I know I think I have changed, but I don't know if I always give H the benefit of the doubt that he has too. I think I still expect him to respond to things like he used to and I'm guilty of making assumptions. Yikes.
Enjoy you vacation and getting to know the new CAW.
Thanks for your post on my thread!! Yes, we all have choices either we give them time and space or we tell them we are DONE!!
I am not afraid of the LRT anymore. I have a letter ready to give my WAH when I am ready to pull the plug. I like knowing that I am ready if push comes to shove.
I'm taking one day at a time. I guess that is all we can do. Hope you had a great vacation. You'll have to fill us in on the details!
KAW, Thanks for your visit to my thread. I always enjoy hearing from you. The reason I am STILL down in the dumps is rather that I am having ANOTHER difficult time in that my H filed for D a week ago. And, yes, I know for sure, because a couple of lawyers have contacted me (isn't that a nice side benefit )
I am determined to take one day at a time, keep a positive outlook and, as always, persevere... but am not at all pleased with the new development.
I saw on another thread where you talked about your sitch turning around. I hope this is the case and you and CAW are on your way to the R that you deserve.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
KAW! Old pal...so we both decided to reboard the boards at about the same time?
I agree about the plateaus. I also got a little jolt about the whole business of wanting our "old S's" back. I've been doing a bit of that with CJ...going WAAAAY back to the high testosterone, heady, wonderful man who was ATTRACTED to me.
Problem is...can I stay married forever to this new CJ who SAYS he finds me attractive, but doesn't demonstrate it????
Sounds petty next to your stuff...but it's big to me.
Nik & Hon: More than happy to visit and help out where I can. The one weekend I had "free" to catch up here, I tried me best to get reaquainted with as many of thoses I have kept tabs on over time, but ran out of time before getting to update my own saga. For the next four weeks, my shift rotation returns to nights again and should allow me to be more "present".
PnB Thanks for always looking in on me.
Shiny !!! Glad you haven't left us for good! Altho had hoped your absense meant you no longer needed to look for our assistance.
Quote: Problem is...can I stay married forever to this new CJ
Its a quandary for sure! One I will in which I had to modify from my earlier post ... I'll get to that in a moment...
As I had predicted ... July turn out to be really busy ... the biggest disapointment tho was having the NY get-together fall thru. Everything else turned out pretty good.
From my posting on 6/26:
Quote: ... and as Slowly pointed out as I had mentioned in the last post, I have to come to accept CAW for who she is now. Forget waiting for CAW I first fell in love with to come back. Its not gonna happen. I have to look upon CAW as a whole new woman in my life. This is big ... for not only do I need to DB to draw her closer to me ... but I have to start thinking of DBing myself to draw me closer to her.
It wasn't long after I wrote this that I had realized the statement, as the goal, wasn't entirely correct and needed modification. During my first week of vacation it became quickly apparent that I cannot be happy living with the person that CAW is now!. So I won't accept living the rest of my life with the kind of person she is being now, but I can and will have to accept the fact that CAW will never return to who she use to be when we were both happy together either ... that part of the statement is still valid.
I have to keep reminding myself in the belief that people are dynamic beings. It very weel be like watching a glacier move, but people do eventually change based on new experiences life hands them that makes them reassess their mindset which in turn affects their behaviors ... so to keep me going, I'm gonna have to believe in the hope that the current trend of experiences (including me being persistant in my DBing) will have the effect of CAW wanting to change who she is now to a "future" CAW I will be happy living with if this M is to become successful at avoiding being "busted".
For the first three quarters of the vacation, I quickly turned my focus onto projects to keep me busy as I was having a hard time dealing with her indifference 24/7. Unexpectedly, halfway thru the second week (and the day after D11's b-day bowling bash), CAW's pendulum started swing the other way again. We were having a quiet evening after an uneventful day as D11 & I were sitting on the bed chatting about I forget what while CAW laid down beside us when she grabbed my hand so she could rest her head on it. Since then she continues to breach her physical distancing with more hand touching and with one more intimate night.
The thing is folks ... I'm having an increasing harder time staying positive about CAW and me. I no longer see these moments as baby steps as time and time again I see them all before and then CAW pushes away again. "Big deal ... It won't last." Now all I see is the cycle and knowing the coldness will come back and with it the hurt I feel each time it does. No amount of detachment takes away the dejection of being pushed away time and time again. Its like livin' in a time loop (Bill Murray's Groundhog Day) ... after a while it becomes wearisome. Especially of the cycle startin all over again. I just want it to stop. I find myself trying to convince myself the recent closeness is because OM must be out of town ... afterall, that seems to be what happened last summer.
... and then there's always step-D24's letter from Feb. always haunting me about the "plan" for next year to move with each other to strike out on a new life.
This is all getting harder to deal with and keep a PMA. I startin to feel like any attempt to do so is just grasping at straws. Is it foolish of me to hold on for the CAW of the future to arrive?
Don't know if I can come up with the appropriate answer. Maybe its a case of no longer trying to see the forest thru the trees, because I tired of the limbs whacking me in the head. Willing to sit back for now and let you folks deliberate this one for a while. Maybe it will help make things clearer for me.
Will work on that over the course of my days off. 
)
night.