My wife is torn between staying with me and fleeing a seven year marriage with two children to be with OM. The interesting part is that OM has a steady girlfriend/partner with whom he lives. She knows nothing about their EA, mostly conducted online. He tells my W he will leave his girlfriend when their living arrangements change in December.
Should I tell the OMs girlfriend? There are obvious reasons why I would like to: 1. To mess up his life, like he has mine, and put him through some agony instead of letting him sit back and jerk the strings of our marriage and my life. 2. To force him to decide between my W and his own partner. 3. To make it more difficult for him and my W to carry on (or easier, depending on how things fall out). 4. To make it easier for my W to be with him and actually see what a "real" relationship would be like with this man (if he cuts himself loose from his girlfriend).
Of course there is the flipside: 1. Wife might resent me (maybe, maybe not). 2. It may make it easier for them to fall into one another's arms (which could be positive or negative in the long run, I don't know). 3. He would resent me and try to turn my W against me, which she isn't at all right now.
I am going over these arguments again and again in my head. I have a sense of the nature of the advice I will receive. "Do not tell her." But why? Why not bring things to a head and see what the result is? How much worse can it be than living with my wife while she carries on an affair?
I am certainly no expert, but I saw that no one had responded to you yet and so I thought I would jump in.
First of all (and I think others would back me up on this) STAY AWAY FROM THE OM.
As tempting as it is to give him a piece of your mind DON'T. Once you read DR you will realize that you need to set some goals and then evaluate your actions in terms of of answering the question - Is this helping me achieve my goals? Contacting the OM will only serve to sink you down to his level and will possibly push your W closer to him.
Thanks Pam, your advice does help. I am quite a rational person, and I do have some clear goals regarding this marriage. I know that confronting OM may not achieve those goals, and may actually sabotage them; but the desire to do so is/was certainly strong.
Now, as of today, things have changed yet again as my unpredictable W came up with a new plan last night. Now she wants to live together "as friends/roommates" and she wants to go to Europe twice a year on vacation to spend time with the OM, "as friends." As ridiculous as this sounds, it is one step closer to the goal.
I didn't rant and rave, but listened and offered support for the idea. Now W is feeling very happy towards me, and is feeling some liking returning. We are flying off to Bali in a few hours for a week of relaxing without the kids. Wish us luck.
