Been with my W for seven years, two kids. We've had a difficult marriage in that we often feel dissatisfied, but we don't ever have big fights. It's mostly just wondering if we did the right thing.
For the last month she has been having an EA with somebody I know in our very small community. The affair has mostly been online, with a few low-key physical meetings... one kiss. He is now telling her that he is IN LOVE WITH HER!!! Yet they've only been emailing one another. I think he is insane, and I so want to confront him. He is also in a relationship and his partner does not know. Should I tell her? What's best?
My wife knows that I know, and we have been talking about separating. However, for the sake of the kids and the hurt it is causing others, she thinks she should stay with me. Yet, by doing so she believes she is turning her back on destiny, true love, and a passionate chemistry that she doesn't have with me. She feels that she'll be miserable the rest of her life if she stays, and she'll regret the decision to her dying day.
Do I want to live with a woman like this? NO! Do I want a sexless marriage where I am resented and held up as the cause of her ruined life? Not really.
So what to do? Do I just tell her to go, to be with him? I still love my wife and am trying to believe that we can have a future together. I have ordered several books, including DR, and am eager to read them.
In the meantime I am in agony because of my own pain, my W's pain, and the thought of OM trying to seduce her away by saying he loves her when he knows nothing at all about real love.
I feel for you, I'm in the W shoes though, wondering if I want to stay or go? I met someone at a vulnerable time and never imagined anything like this to happen. I love both and have so much history with H (18yrs, 3 kids) but have never been so totally myself with anyone ever until I met my new best friend. I never thought this would ever happen to us, it started as a friendship, grew into a connection I cannot even explain or understand. I question why? and Why now? You can't help who your heart picks. It's even harder when your heart is torn and doesn't know who to "pick". Pray, Pray, Pray!!
My W and I have just returned from a vacation we planned some time ago, without the kids. We had a great time together, had fun, and were even somewhat intimate. This is due to the fact that before we left W came upon a solution to her problem of choosing between two men (me and OM). She wants to live with me as a roommate (expecting no sex from her), and she wants to be able to vacation twice a year with OM. This idea made her very happy.
Now, since our short holiday together, she says that she only wants to be friends with OM. I think that she may be realizing that love is not something that we just find or have with somebody else, but something that we create with our beliefs, emotions and actions. When my W was having troubles with our marriage, OM seemed to offer a solution, and she believed it was love. Maybe now she is seeing that this might not have been the case. Or, she may see him again and change her mind again. I don't know.
Some of the advice I have received said that allowing her to see him is not a good idea and I should force her to choose between us. There is certainly something to be said for this. Any other thoughts?
I'm curious as to how ChrssyN is going to choose. What will you do now? Let me know if I can offer a different perspective.
Quote: Now, since our short holiday together, she says that she only wants to be friends with OM. I think that she may be realizing that love is not something that we just find or have with somebody else, but something that we create with our beliefs, emotions and actions. When my W was having troubles with our marriage, OM seemed to offer a solution, and she believed it was love. Maybe now she is seeing that this might not have been the case. Or, she may see him again and change her mind again. I don't know.
Some of the advice I have received said that allowing her to see him is not a good idea and I should force her to choose between us. There is certainly something to be said for this. Any other thoughts?
I have always had the belif that you could have friends of the oppiste sex and it would be notthing but friendship. But now I have changed my belifs. Any type of friendship even one with a best friend you have had for years can do damge to a marriage if you share emiontal stuff with the friend and not the spouse.
I would be leary of the friendship, but don't make W chosse at the monet. If you do you will just make things worse.
In my opion you should read what books you can find that help you. Find some things that make you feel good about yourself. And above all remiber the only thing in your R that you truly have control over is how you react. And how you react has affect on how others react to you. Work on how you react to sitch that uslaly are hot points and see if that helps.
Look. your W is in the throes of romantic love. It's distortive overwhelming perfectly natural and fortunately for you, short lived. Her memories of you will be selective and distorted; you must stand firm.
Do not give her ultimatums. they will drive her away. Instead be stable, cool, and apprpriately attentive to her emotional needs. When she wakes up, she'll see you as someone who held it together while she was pulling apart. That's very attractive!
Thanks, dleightonc. I am obviously working in that vein right now, so to hear some positive affirmation for my actions is reassuring. However, it still grates on me in some ways.
Consider that in most cases, when a spouse discovers their partner is having an affair, the one having the affair is grovelling and doing all the work to keep things together. They say they will never see the lover again, etc.
Yet, in my case, I am doing more than is reasonable. I am keeping my distance from my wife, as a roommate should, and am being the consumate husband at the same time. I am not asking anything at all from her, especially affection, and I am not even demanding that she never see her lover again. In fact, my W is still talking about going on vacation with him in six months time.
Am I insane or is she not the most selfish woman in the world? What is going on here? How can she possibly be treating me like this, expecting everything of me, and still want to waltz off and live the high life with OM? I don't get it. Is this the kind of woman that I even want to stay married to?
Hello everyone. I'm new and need some advice. My H and I have been married for almost 19 years, he's 43. For the last 3 years, I guess our marriage hasn't been very happy. I was depressed and drinking and he was beginning midlife. We have 2 children (16 and 11) Now, he's involved emotionally with a woman he's know for 2 years who's married, 3 kids and her H is a louse. Soooo, there you have it.
He told me the last weekend in March. His affair started the last week in Feb.
I started with the last resort technique and he noticed right away. But I just can't keep the positive vibes going. I'm jealous, questioning, trying to be logical. Now he's decided to move out of the house.
I don't know what to do next. I feel I should be home with the kids, yet I know I have to keep busy and make myself look like I'm moving on. I'm at the end of my rope.
He says she'll never leave her H and he won't give her a divorce...but he's still contacting her and they see each other when they can. The last week in May they got together in a hotel, but "didn't get intimate."
We weren't happy, but I didn't know he wasn't and he's said, "I gave up on you and on us. I pulled away and you pulled away from me." How do I help him see that our relationship is worth another try even if it takes time? HELP, give me perspective. I'm desparate and need help.
Quote: Consider that in most cases, when a spouse discovers their partner is having an affair, the one having the affair is grovelling and doing all the work to keep things together. They say they will never see the lover again, etc.
Yet, in my case, I am doing more than is reasonable. I am keeping my distance from my wife, as a roommate should, and am being the consumate husband at the same time. I am not asking anything at all from her, especially affection, and I am not even demanding that she never see her lover again. In fact, my W is still talking about going on vacation with him in six months time.
Am I insane or is she not the most selfish woman in the world? What is going on here? How can she possibly be treating me like this, expecting everything of me, and still want to waltz off and live the high life with OM? I don't get it. Is this the kind of woman that I even want to stay married to?
It seems to me what we think happens in most cases is mot really how it goes. I have yet seen were the affair is put out in the open and the one having the affair is willing to give up the OP right away. Maybe that is why most marriages end because of affairs.
You are taking the best action that you can. All WAS are very selfish for they want the best of both worlds. I think the trick is the show theam that the real world with us in it is better then la la land they share with the OP.
As for feeling like you are insane that is the question you will ask yourself a thosand times. And each time you will go back and forth on it.
Just keep doing the best you can. Work on yourself keep your PMA up and don't give up hope.
Honey, it would be best to strat your own post. That way when people answer it will be easier to know who they are answering. But I will give you my thoughts.
Quote: I started with the last resort technique and he noticed right away. But I just can't keep the positive vibes going. I'm jealous, questioning, trying to be logical. Now he's decided to move out of the house.
You will have to work on the jealousy, it will just drive you nuts. And being logical will not really be of mush help, because our spouses will not respond to logic at the moment. The best plan of action is to find your cheeseless tunnals and stop looking for the chesse there. Stop do the same old and try something new.
The scene now is much as it has been for the last week. My wife still wants to live with me as a roommate (where I do lots of work, errands and childcare, help and support her as I normally would... but don't expect sex), and she still wants to be with OM twice a year on vacations.
The current problem is that she is still in contact with him via email. They are both away on vacations right now (not together), but when they return next week I suspect that she will start seeing him again and probably take their EA to a physical level. How am I supposed to live with that?
My question is, should I continue to agree to live as roommates and allow her to have this affair... to have her cake and eat it too? Or, should I leave. This might be better for my mental health, and it would allow her to see what life without me is like. If I do leave, I would leave the country entirely, making it impossible for us to see each other or for me to see my young children. Also, the OM is leaving the country in a few months anyway. So, she would be here alone without either of us.
Does anybody see the merit in staying living as roommates? She does claim she is feeling more affection and closeness with me... yet she is also telling OM how much she wants to be with him. If I stay, and he is out of the country, that might be good, though they would still be in contact via email.
